Here are my issues. a). I have a rough spell of things that I’d like to write about, I recently painstakingly installed wordpress on emevas. I go to write an entry on it and it’s not working properly…. I lose all of that raw emotion I was feeling initially. When I write, I love to have the raw emotion of ‘first glance’ kind of thing.
When I first turned on my monitor, I had to think for a long time. I was confused. There was a tab on my fire fox that had apartments in the college park area. It freaked me out considerably because at Christine’s house we were looking for apartments for Eric… and it reeled me for at least 60 seconds. I was kind of weirded out and freaked out by some… weird parallel universe or something. But then I remembered that I was looking for the address for Christine’s apartment before I left. It was a very creeped-out feeling that probably had something to do with the 1.5 hours of sleep before hearing horrid news from my father.
It went something like this?
<Dad> Alyx, you awake?
<Me> *sleepy noises, maybe a started sit up and ‘yes’ or something*
<Dad> Debbie committed suicide.
<Me> What? *delirious sleep grumbles and trying to sit up, focus eyes, etc* Debbie walker?
Maybe it was that she said she was dead first, and then the shocked what, and then the she committed suicide, and then the are you serious, and so on.
Just kidding, my wordpress works. Anyway, onto my entry which has been rudely interrupted on several occasions, which is interrupting my sleep.
These are my concerns with this ‘loss’ of life, even though she took her own life. Debbie Walker is my aunt, the wife of my dad’s brother. This woman has been borderline hated for as long as I can remember, by most (if not the whole) family. She’s always been a fat biligerent loud-mouthed drunk. I think all of us have wondered how uncle Bruce got involved with her, and why he has been stuck with her… this is the type of woman who just committed suicide. Furthermore, this is the type of woman who will… go to a resturance, eat most of a steak, talk to the waiter about it not being cooked properly…. and have another one brought to her. There are various such stories about my aunt that would have any audience floored.
However, the fact tha I don’t cry over her death brings me to another dimension of my reeling mind from this experience. It makes me feel like a really horrible person. It makes me feel like a disgusting human being to have any shred of a thought of, ‘finally he’s free of her’. I can’t even hold that thought much longer than a milisecond because I’m busy thinking about the huge void he must have, no matter how dispiciple this person was. HIS WIFE OF 30+ YEARS JUST KILLED HERSELF.
I shed tears for 5-10 minutes just from thinking of my poor… wonderful uncle. You could not meet a more sweet man… really. All of my uncles have this certain genuinity about them… this touch of compassion and care that my grandmother must’ve honed in them for all those years while raising them on her own. But really… out of all of them, he really is just… such a selfless person. He took care of this woman as if he was her slave… he’s not well himself, he’s had to take care of his mother-in-law, because she won’t… it’s just such a tragic thing…. on so many levels.
She killed herself this morning at 1AMish. They had gone out to eat, they came home and obviously he has to help her everywhere. This woman is huge and has let herself get to the point where she needs a wheelchair, etc… just from her weight she can’t walk and stuff. So he’s helping her into the house, she stubs her toe or something on the way up the stairs, and she gets all pissed off and biligerent about that because she was drunk. She sees the messages on the phone and says something along the lines of, “I’ll never be rid of this shit” or something, and he sits her down and says, “Calm down a minute I’ll help you in a second.” I think he goes to the bathroom, hears the gunshot… comes back, sees her slumped.
Let’s begin with the fact that… anyone who has to see their SPOUSE in any type of mortal peril is just… I can’t imagine how they don’t lose their mind right there. But here is the situation of someone you probably love most in the world taking their own life as if your opinion doesn’t matter, all of the years you’ve spent together doesn’t matter… just all of that shit.
Let’s move on to the really bad parts of the situation. Today is not only mother’s day, but it’s also their…. ANNIVERSARY! My dad really thinks she didn’t have much time to think, she just did it. They kept a loaded gun on the table in the living room because Debbie was apparently at home alone during the day. Let me point out that they live in a VERY wealthy neighborhood. And limme say that… in my opinion nothing would ever happen in that little complex there.
Furthermore, he is now left with her responsibilities. I mean… I think for the most part he dealt with all this shit anyway, but her mother is in a nursing home, they have been keeping Debbie’s mother’s house even though she lives in a fucking nursing home. They’ve paid my dad to mow the lawn on several ocassions. Bruce’s back is bad and stuff. Okay, so there’s the dimension of this that… assuming that Debbie’s mother doesn’t have dementia or alzheimer’s or something… and is in her right mind and remembers and consciously knows who her daughter was… SHE JUST LOST HER SELFISH DAUGHTER ON MOTHER’S DAY. So not only did you leave your husband without a wife, you left your mother without a daughter (on your anniversy and on mother’s day, pretty slick), you left your widower with your mother’s bills, your mother’s house, your house, your mother, etc.
FURTHERMORE, I do believe his birthday is within the next few weeks. As I was in the car with my dad a few days ago I think he mentioned that my Uncle Willy and my Uncle Bruce have birthdays on the 20th and 29th of May. How is it going to feel for Bruce to spend his 60th birthday ALONE, YOU SELFISH FUCKING BITCH?
Should I be capslocking at someone who I’m supposed to ‘love’ who is now dead? Probably not. And it makes me feel really bad, I feel like a horrible person for it. Someone has died, have compassion, Alyx. I do have compassion, Alyx. I do. But my compassion goes for my UNCLE who’s in SHOCK right now because 7 hours ago he walked into a room with his wife DEAD. DO YOU KNOW WHAT HIS YEAR HAS BEEN LIKE? HE THOUGHT HE HAD FUCKING BLOOD CANCER. He’s been getting transfusions every 2 fucking months. He’s been completely sick and anemic for the past year or so. AND NOW ON HIS 30+ ANNIVERSARY HIS WIFE SHOOTS HERSELF IN THEIR FUCKING LIVING ROOM!?!?! [I think that's where it was, but really do details matter if I fuck them up a bit, at this point?] He had to walk back into his house, some hours later. He had to walk back into that place after his wife shot herself… to get some clothes so he could stay with one of his brothers.
Jesus Christ. I’m reeling from the thoughts I’m having. This poor man. I wish I could do something to help him. I would do anything to help him if I could. I feel the tears burning in my tear ducts. I can’t stop thinking of my poor uncle. I heard my dad on the phone with someone… probably someone in the family, and my dad said something about my uncle that’s just… it makes your heart break for him. He said that my uncle really is in shock, and that they were all sitting there and he was saying ‘I don’t understand’ over and over again, and then he said, ‘The last desperate act of a coward’ this about his wife of 30+ years. He deserved so much better. I wish he had better. I wish his life was happier. He’s such a jolly guy. They never had kids, they never had pets, but I can’t help but wonder… if he wasn’t with her would I have had more cousins? I feel like I would have. I hope he doesn’t suffer the rest of his life alone. I don’t know if it’s part of me that feels like he should finally get a woman he truly deserves… or if it’s just that I feel some righteousness… just the thought of ‘Maybe he’ll finally see what everyone has said’ but I can’t imagine that’s how it would go. Someone just died. Someone he’s shared a life with for 36 years is dead. No matter how bad a marriage is, I doubt someone can say, “Well thank my lucky stars THAT shit is over!” But who knows, the way I look at relationships and love is so naive and sheltered, even with all the shit I’ve been through.
I just went into the living room, and my dad’s sitting on the couch in a very… let me find the word for this… lost? Maybe lost is the word. Lost… defeated… thoughtful? He’s never liked the woman, but death is death. And obviously my parents would have been closer to her than I ever have. I’ve probably seen the woman a collective of 30 times in my life… or however many times we’ve had family meetings. Twice… maybe three times a year, not necessarily every year [especially since all the kids have grown up]. But anyway, I went in there and I asked about her mother… ‘thankfully’ she’s in a state of mind where she ‘doesn’t know anything’. But really… how can you say ‘thankfully’ to that situation? I hate everything about this. Looking at this at any angle with any ‘truth’ in this makes me feel like a terrible person. I then asked how long they had been married. 36 years. 36 years, and you’re drunk enough to reach for a gun with no forethought and selfishly end your life without thinking of this man that has selflessly taken care of you for the better half of your life?
It feels so weird when tears trail down the cheek… and their cold. Their cold, what does that mean? Is it some sort of hint for literary foreshadowing? some sort of literary genius happens from the anomaly of cold tears?
This woman’s voice, I keep hearing it over and over again. Calling to him like he’s some sort of slave waiting on her, ‘Brucccieeee’. And her laugh is infamous. And her nails. And her drinking. Maybe when they were younger her pussy was really good. I don’t know, because they had the kind of thing where… they wore the same outfits. When they bought t-shirts from say… Hawaii, they always bought matching ones.
And thinking back on these sorts of things… I just wonder if he could’ve had a normal marriage. I wonder if he could’ve had someone where it would be less of him being controlled, and more of… both partaking in the marriage. Children. This man is beautiful. I’m not trying to be gross and call my uncle hot. But he has such a kind face. He has very blonde hair, and the kindest blue eyes you could ever see. When he smiles or laughs it’s just like you want to do the same. He doesn’t have an ounce of selfishness in him. Thinking about what a wonderful person he is just makes me feel like I want to curl up in a ball and mourn is loss. Not mourn my loss, or my family’s loss. But his. You could only do such a thing from someone who would do anything for you. Honestly… I don’t even know anyone in my family very well. I don’t have ‘close’ relationships from anyone in my family. I don’t think I’ve said, or heard ‘I love you’ from more than a handful of family members. Bruce isn’t one of them. So how do I know he’s such a great person? It’s just one of those rare people in life that when you shake their hand, or you look into their eyes… you just feel like they’re genuine. That they’d help you out of you needed it.
The past 24 hours of been pretty goddamn shitty if you ask me. WoW has been really gay for me lately, WoW has been gay for Daniel lately and that puts him in a yucky mood, and then I have this shit with Kylin last night which made me really shaken up. And then card night makes me feel uncomfortable because I feel like I don’t belong anymore. Before… even when there was crazy drinking, late night sleeping in cars or in a hallway… I still never felt ‘left out’. Now I really do. They don’t realize how much they hurt my by leaving me alone. I don’t think they realize they did it. But I’m not the type of person to be dramatic and bring it up to them. See… this type of thing is less ‘let’s sit down and talk about it’ and more of uh… ‘It’s too dramatic and we shouldn’t bother to have this conversation, I’ll just keep my mouth shut and try to get over it’. Kylin has a new boyfriend, and then being all sweet made me really just miss what I don’t have. I was kinda glad, and not glad to see that Mike and I don’t have [or at least don't harness] any chemistry between us. I’m glad because it’s just… when it comes down to it I’m not sure he really wanted me or really cared about me. As soon as he ‘got over me’ or had another girl, or whatever… he just kinda stopped talking to me. He was pissed about something I did or said about Kylin, and I guess really held it against me and it ‘changed’ how he felt about me, or he just used it to make it easier to get over. I really don’t know. At the same time I guess affection is affection. And tonight I was in a room with two guys who used to be very affectionate towards me, and no longer are. So I guess subconciously that etched at me a bit. But really it’s not even that I particular want either of those people. One of them I definitely don’t look at it as a ‘relationship’ loss, or however you might put that. It was just my best friend. And he picked hos before bros, and I’m the bro that lost my best friend. And… if we were really best friends, and if I really mattered… I feel like I would’ve known about her earlier. I wouldn’t have found out about it through facebook. I would’ve met her sooner. I only met her tonight, and honestly her first impression with me isn’t great, and I caught myself thinking, “I’d like better for my best friend.” She started drinking probably 30 mintues to an hour after she got there. Because I don’t drink I don’t have a good gauge of levels of intoxication. To me she was drnk, but I think to everyone else she seemed tipsy. But she was falling all over Eric when she got there, giggling fits, whatever. I was already feeling uncomfortable about being in the social situation I was in, and she made it far worse. I felt replaced by her, not in the sense that I was ever romantically involved with Eric, but in the sense that she took my role in his life, as well as her adding her romantic/sexual role as well. He used to talk to me every day. Now he never talks to me. And I don’t want him to anymore. I’d think it was out of pity. The last time he talk to me I was bitter that he talked to me at all. I’m pretty certain it was a pity-party fest because Christine said something about it to him. But it is what it is I guess. And I can just believe that friends don’t exist.
Tonight I think I’ve been through nearly every possible low you can go through. I found out I failed my trig class, and I could’ve past it. I thought I would’ve passed it without the final… since I got an A on the first test. I’ve been through the anxiety of thinking Mike was going to card night (and being my ride) out of obligation. I felt like he was trying to leave as soon as he got there and just couldn’t bring himself to the social situation of saying good night. Then there was the social situation of Christine’s new friends that ‘replaced’ me. I quote it because you can’t truly replace people. Everyone’s role in someone’s life is unique because each person is their own, however. My SPOT has been taken for months now, but to be in the situation where you see the people that get to see her often like I used to… just makes me feel bitter and in the ‘I want to escape’ kinda thought process. They’re great, her new friends. But I just feel left out and wish I could’ve ran away. Then when she started talking about Eric, just just made me want to hide in the couch coushins or something. And then Eric got there and it made my heart sink further. My ‘best friend’, it was as if he remembered I existed. Then I got to watch his intoxicated girlfriend giggle and make a scene and curl up in his lap, etc. And it just made me think, “If my ‘best friend’ ends up marrying and taking care of some girl who drinks every weekend, and literally… maybe I over exaggerate but I feel like at least half of her conversation material had something to do with alcohol. Kylin and Jesse show up, and the forethought of it made me nervous, but I think while they were there was the best time I had. Except when I’d just kinda think about how close they seem, and how I wish I had someone to hold and stuff like. [Two months!]
I’ve been writing for a very long time. I got home at a bit before 6. I remember looking at the clock and going to sleep. 5:55AM. My dad wakes me at 7:30ish… and here I am. Wishing my boyfriend was on to talk to.
I’m so sorry, uncle Bruce…
WordPress has a word counter. Apparently I’ve written 3192 words.