Category Archives: Stress

#: 199

Sometimes it really sucks to be me. I’m a perfectionist that worries about everything. My thought process goes through these long paths that connect things that you wouldn’t think would connect, or the connection is not obvious. My mind goes from one thing to the other very quickly and it makes me get anxious easily, worry easily… it’s why I set off so easily. I ‘blow things out of proportion’.

Basically this is what happened. Last night I decided to install Rosetta Stone on my PC [it has been on my laptop for the last few months]. I’ve had Rosetta Stone on my computer before, but this is before the voice recognition thing. So I’m putting Rosetta Stone Version 3 on my PC. I decide I’d like to just start from the beginning instead of finding where I am and going from there. I figure it’d be good review, and it will help me with my basics of Portuguese. I’m not sure if it’s my microphone or what, but I got to this sentence, “Elas estão escrevendo.” This is in the core lesson of unit one, before I passed it, but I guess my microphone on my laptop is different? I don’t know. I tried saying it at least 100 times, without exaggeration.  So I message Luk, a mutual friend of Daniel and I. He’s been to the United States, has superb language skills. Luk and I don’t always get along, but I try to get along with him when he’s not being a little douchenuts. So for an hour? maybe 2? Luk tries to help me say this sentence. I can say Elas properly, and I can say escrevendo properly. I can’t say estão though. It sounds to be that it is ‘estow’. Luk says that’s wrong, and that the ã has a sound like the ‘uh’ in ‘duh’. But that doesn’t go over well in the whole word. I think I can say it slowly, but I can’t say it at normal speed without the ‘duh’ in it.

Now this gets me to thinking just how miserable my trip will be. I can cope sometimes and be really positive and supportive. And my feelings of worry and anxiety irritate me because they will make Daniel feel bad for taking the job, but that’s not what I want him to feel. I know I can visit another time, or we can some how manage to get him here, or we can do something another time where the trip would be really nice and I would get to see him all the time and the language barrier for everyone around me won’t worry me so much. So I wish I could have these feelings of worry and anxiety without feeling like I’ll make Daniel upset.

I should be allowed to be moody, right? I’ve never been off of the conteniental U.S. I’ve also never been to a country where I’ll be in a place where there’s a slim to nil chance that I’ll find someone that I can talk to [besides Daniel]. How I invision this going is really scary. The whole thing is very nerve wracking when I think about it. I feel like I’m going to get lost in Brazil. I’m so nervous about traveling there. I don’t know how I’ll get to Itajaí. I’ve looked for buses and planes that go through there and I can’t find any. I hate the uncertainty of this whole trip. It drives me up a fucking wall. I’m one of those people that likes PLANS, and likes to follow plans.  Apparently Daniel is too.

But this whole thing has been almost… poorly planned. On my part it hasn’t been too bad. Months ago I originally wanted Daniel coming here. I did it early enough that, when he failed to get accepted for his visa, I bought the plane tickets a few weeks after that, and I will pick my visa up this Friday. I should’ve gone to get my visa earlier, that’s kinda bad on my part, but there’s only a 4 day processing for visas to Brazil. So I made the assumption that nothing would go wrong. Apparently nothing has, but I guess I could be wrong. The good news is my visa lasts for 5 years. I leave for Brazil in 42 days. I meet Daniel in exactly a month and a half. The visa lasting so long is nice because I can visit whenever I guess, with not much of a problem.

I’d like to have an itinerary of what we’re doing while I’m there. I started asking him months ago what we’d do… and it was just a vague ‘stuff’ with a list of what we could do. I like something to follow. Like… “We’re going to see this movie on this day. We’re going to the zoo on this day, but if it’s raining we’re going to stay inside and watch movies together.” Or something like that.

But this is how I imagine it. I leave Baltimore at 10:15ish. I get to New York roughly an hour later. I leave New York hours later, at 2PMish. I get to Atlanta around 5. I leave Atlanta around 9PM, that’s after I’ve gone through all the bullshit of leaving the country. I’m on the longest flight I’ve ever been on, a lot of which is over water [which my dad has been so kind as to kinda make me worried about]. I get to São Paulo at around 8AM. I get very nervous at this point. Luckily I’m in a big city s maybe some people will speak my language and can help me out [asking for help will of course make me really nervous and worried]. However, my next mission is to try to find my way to the bus station. I’m apparently supposed to take a bus there. The first time I took a bus in my own country I fucked it up, so I’m probably going to end up somewhere I don’t want to be, and I won’t really know that I’m in the wrong place. THEN I have the lovely task of trying to figure out HOW exactly I am going to get to Daniel. The only bus station that I have found in the state he is in, is 50 miles or so away from where he is.

Assuming that make it to Daniel, the way I see it then is that I have to spend a lot of money that I didn’t expect to spend, on a hotel. I don’t know if I’ll have money after that to eat, but that’s not a big deal because I don’t think I’ll eat anything in his country anyway. I hope they have tortilla chips because those have to be the same in all countries. Other countries mess up doritos, and soda, and all sorts of stuff, but how can they mess up tortilla chips? I’ll try to live off those while I’m in my nice hotel, secluded from everything except when Daniel comes home to me! That’ll be the highlight of every day. Daniel coming home every day to me. At which point I’m not sure what we would do together since he probably gets home at 5 or later. So basically the way I see the time in Brazil (that is if I even make it to find Daniel). Is staying in a hotel on my laptop with nothing to do. Which now when I think about it isn’t the bad part. I don’t mind doing that if I get to wake up next to him every day. My concern is how scary it is to get to him. I’m really anxious because I can’t find a bus or plane to go there. I’m worried about money. All my money will be gone if I’m in a hotel the whole time. I actually feel better from writing all this. Considering my scariest part of the whole trip is making it to Daniel without getting lost… the rest isn’t so bad. I can live off tortilla chips. My dad said Brazil has good steak. So… yes pls. :)!

I’m glad I wrote here before Daniel got on [if he'll get on today]. Because I don’t have to be in such a sour mood. As long as I get to Dani it’ll be okay, that’s how I have to look at it. Once I see him and we’re smiling at each other, everything will be fine. Once that hug is there, nothing is the matter. And that’s qft. :) All the uncertainty is before I get to Daniel, I guess. Daniel said that hotel is REALLY nice, and it’s cheap [by American standards]. It’s about $45-50 a night. Which is like.. nothing here. lol. I wonder how much the parents pay to have us in a hotel at Nationals. Probably a lot.

Anyway, thanks Emmie, I feel better now.

Fuck you, estão. I’ll say you right one day. Dani will teach me.

Alyx

Life is a dream we are dreaming,
Day by day I find my way,
Look for the soul, and the meaning,
Then you look at me, and I always see,
What I have been searching for…
I’m lost as can be, then you look at me…
and I am not lost anymore.

Then you look at me, and I always see…
what I have been searching for~
I’m lost as can be, then you look at me
and I am not lost anymore~

And you say you see,
when you look at me,
the reason you love life so~

I miss you.