Today’s a really bad day if I have to rant more than once in a day, amirite?
When I first started playing RO again, I told Mike I thought it would probably be a bad idea. I think I was right. All it does is create new problems for me. More trivial problems than I had before. It seriously just spirals my moods out of fucking control. I was just talking to Chris about that I just lost 2Mil EXP, because of Anubis. And we were talking about how ridiculous the game is, and how dumb it is that people actually goto 99 multiple times with the monotonous grinding for days, weeks at a time. He agreed with me, and lucky for him, he is pretty much over RO. For now, at least. He said if EuphRO died, he’d probably be fine with it.
At this point, the only reason I even feel remotely motivated to keep going in this stupid ass game, is so I can get closure and never play it again. It’s so fucking dramatic and childish. Or it brings out every once of drama and child in me. I get pissed off at the game, and then it just spirals into depression, and it’s fucking <font size=”3″><b><u>RIDICULOUS</b></u></font>.
But, at the same time, what the fuck else am I supposed to do with my time? I have no idea what I want to do with my future. I have no one to fucking share it with. I was telling Pascal yesterday that I was at a point/mood, where I just felt like my purpose in life was absolutely meaningless. I sat there and thought of all the shit that is supposed to happen in life, and it seems pointless and stupid to me. I don’t want to kill myself, no. I’m coherent enough to realize that it would affect people besides me, so I can’t ever see myself killing myself. Just a lot of the time, I wish I didn’t exist. But maybe that’s more selfish than killing one’s self, because, that changes life for everyone, even if they don’t know it.
After I wrote this, I decided to work on the ‘Loves/Hates’ section. And then Ju, a guy in my guild who played on AquaticRO. He said he was going to try Anubis. He was an aco, using ygg leaves. I thought that was ridiculously stupid, so I told him I’d help. So I ADDed on the L/H, and helped him out. I died, and then someone ressed me, and I didn’t throw a tantrum, I was just kinda irate. And then after he got what he needed, he was going to get his Priestness, and so I just decided I’d get some EXP. And like 5 minutes later I got mobbed, and I lagged, and I died. So, fuck that.
“I will meet you in the next life, I promise you, where we can be together, I promise you, I will wait till then, in Heaven, I promise you, I promise, I promise.”
I’m almost sincerely worried about myself. I haven’t eaten in around 24 hours, yet I’m not even hungry. the PMS drains energy, and so does the depression. I have no energy, and no motivation to get energy. lol. I actually find it kinda funny what a wreck I am when I don’t have someone to love, someone to love me. I depend on people way too much. And at this point, I don’t think it’s something I can just… get over. I’m sure multiple people would think that I need to be alone for a while, I need to sort my shit out. But I honestly don’t think being alone will help me out that much. I mean, it’s a ‘new’ experience, and it’s something to learn from… but I think 95% of the time, if not more, I’ll be depressed and sick rather then getting any ‘self medicinal’ shit going on.
“Goodbye, 1,000 times goodbye, the thought never crossed my mind that this would be my last goodbye, let me put pennies on your eyes, and kiss your lips one last goodbye, my love one thousand times goodbye.”