Category Archives: Love life

#: 014

Today’s a really bad day if I have to rant more than once in a day, amirite?

When I first started playing RO again, I told Mike I thought it would probably be a bad idea. I think I was right. All it does is create new problems for me. More trivial problems than I had before. It seriously just spirals my moods out of fucking control. I was just talking to Chris about that I just lost 2Mil EXP, because of Anubis. And we were talking about how ridiculous the game is, and how dumb it is that people actually goto 99 multiple times with the monotonous grinding for days, weeks at a time. He agreed with me, and lucky for him, he is pretty much over RO. For now, at least. He said if EuphRO died, he’d probably be fine with it.

At this point, the only reason I even feel remotely motivated to keep going in this stupid ass game, is so I can get closure and never play it again. It’s so fucking dramatic and childish. Or it brings out every once of drama and child in me. I get pissed off at the game, and then it just spirals into depression, and it’s fucking <font size=”3″><b><u>RIDICULOUS</b></u></font>.

But, at the same time, what the fuck else am I supposed to do with my time? I have no idea what I want to do with my future. I have no one to fucking share it with. I was telling Pascal yesterday that I was at a point/mood, where I just felt like my purpose in life was absolutely meaningless. I sat there and thought of all the shit that is supposed to happen in life, and it seems pointless and stupid to me. I don’t want to kill myself, no. I’m coherent enough to realize that it would affect people besides me, so I can’t ever see myself killing myself. Just a lot of the time, I wish I didn’t exist. But maybe that’s more selfish than killing one’s self, because, that changes life for everyone, even if they don’t know it.

After I wrote this, I decided to work on the ‘Loves/Hates’ section. And then Ju, a guy in my guild who played on AquaticRO. He said he was going to try Anubis. He was an aco, using ygg leaves. I thought that was ridiculously stupid, so I told him I’d help. So I ADDed on the L/H, and helped him out. I died, and then someone ressed me, and I didn’t throw a tantrum, I was just kinda irate. And then after he got what he needed, he was going to get his Priestness, and so I just decided I’d get some EXP. And like 5 minutes later I got mobbed, and I lagged, and I died. So, fuck that.

“I will meet you in the next life, I promise you, where we can be together, I promise you, I will wait till then, in Heaven, I promise you, I promise, I promise.”

I’m almost sincerely worried about myself. I haven’t eaten in around 24 hours, yet I’m not even hungry. the PMS drains energy, and so does the depression. I have no energy, and no motivation to get energy. lol. I actually find it kinda funny what a wreck I am when I don’t have someone to love, someone to love me. I depend on people way too much. And at this point, I don’t think it’s something I can just… get over. I’m sure multiple people would think that I need to be alone for a while, I need to sort my shit out. But I honestly don’t think being alone will help me out that much. I mean, it’s a ‘new’ experience, and it’s something to learn from… but I think 95% of the time, if not more, I’ll be depressed and sick rather then getting any ‘self medicinal’ shit going on.

“Goodbye, 1,000 times goodbye, the thought never crossed my mind that this would be my last goodbye, let me put pennies on your eyes, and kiss your lips one last goodbye, my love one thousand times goodbye.”


#: 013

mmm. I keep getting into these really bad moods lately. I guess it’s cause I’m alone, and hate it. Last night I really wanted to write in this, but my host was down, I guess, because it wouldn’t load, and I got Pascal to see if it’d load for him, he said it didn’t.

I haven’t been sleeping the best either. I have problems falling asleep, I don’t have the comfort of someone telling me good night anymore, so I just lay in bed and think of how alone I am. But also I wake up multiple times during the night. I’m a light sleeper and little things can wake me up, or little things can keep me from sleeping.

For instance… just now, when I was typing this, I ADDed on it, and I played RO for like 5 minutes.. and then I started feeling cold, I guess it was raining, and I just curled up and fell asleep for 2 hours. But, I slept for 10 hours last night, even though I woke up a few times. I don’t eat much… and then factor in the PMS…. and the depression. And I just have no energy. It’s ridiculous, I hate it.

Kylin got me this really cute backpack. It’s plaid, kinda, and it’s brown, white, and pink. It’s really cute. I don’t even really have a use for it… but it’s good if I wanna take stuff to work with me, in case of boredom, but don’t want to bring my whole laptop bag.

The other day my mom, brother, and I went to lunch together. It was my treat, spent.. $31 there… and then we went to the bookstore aftwards… I spent.. $51 there… lol. I got this cool book on mythological creatures, and I got two origami books. Origami books are really expensive. :(! They were $17 each, and they weren’t really big ones or anything… they’re just expensive.

I don’t know if I wrote about this already, so I don’t care, I don’t think anyone reads this anyway… but to remind myself, when I was talking to my mom in the car the other day… I was just saying how I didn’t really wanna waste more money on school when I had no fucking idea what I wanted to do anymore. I said I might try to get into science or something… generally science were always my favorite classes in school. The material is usually exciting, to me anyway. I’ve also liked history… sometimes, anyway. I like ancient history. Or history from other countries. I don’t really like U.S. history, since I’ve been learning it my whole life. But, my mom suggested me being a writer… and it made me remember that ever since I was a little girl people told me I should be a writer, because of my imagination. Anytime I think of something I want to do, though, I think about the schooling. I hate school so much. It is so stressful on me, and I generally can’t handle school very well. Ever since Geometry in 10th grade… school’s always really stressed me out. x.x; I think being a writer takes a lot of long English classes where you have to write really long, dumb papers on comparing things, and shit like that. One time I got the idea that I sincerely wanted to be a vet… but it was shot down quickly when I was told how much schooling it took, and how it was harder to get into Vet school than it was med school… So, I don’t know… I’m somewhat humoring the idea. But I’ve felt like, since high school, that I’m too ADD to be a writer. A lot of people don’t follow my thoughts, I am bad at transitions… so I don’t know how that’d work out. x.x;

On the other hand…I’ve been thinking a lot lately on if I want to goto Germany or not. I don’t know, really. Most of me thinks that it would be a horrible experience. I’d be anxious the whole time, I’d feel uncomfortable being around someone I’m still in love with, who doesn’t love me. Also, the whole commitment thing… I was very committed to him. I mean… I got over fears I never thought I’d get over… just because I love him so much, and because I felt that we were both so committed to the relationship. So, I’m going there just to lay down at night and think that I’m at his place, the one who couldn’t love me like I loved him. : But, when I talk to people about it, quite a few people think that he’ll love me from being with me IRL. Part of me thinks that’s bullshit. But aside from me thinking it’s bullshit, I also think that I’m kinda scared of going there in case something like that does happen. If he fell out of love with me once, he can do it again. And when I think about that, it goes either way. I can think, “Well, if I love him, then I have to take the chance of being with him, even if I know he could fall out of love with me again.”, or it can go like this, “Why would I be with him again? That’s the stupidest idea ever, it’s just looking for ways for me to get hurt.” I told most of my family that I’m going there. I took off two weeks at work. I mean…I could I explain that I suddenly wasn’t going? This is exactly why I didn’t tell many people about us. I wanted to go there to absolutely make sure it was going to happen. See, if I did tell them, I’d have to tell them not even 4 months later that I was an idiot and he fell out of love with me. I really want to meet his mom though. She seems like an amazing woman. An amazing mother, and person. I think I want to meet Dami, too. I don’t know. Even though I need… his…’treatment’ of me, I don’t know if I could handle it on top of being there with someone I love. But it’s still a month and a half away, I guess…anything can happen. I don’t know. One thing that kinda crosses my mind is that Mike and I have ‘sexual’ chemistry. Or, I think we do, anyway. I think there’s a high chance of us touching each other in one way or another… and I don’t really know how that’d go, Lol.

Anyhow.. I feel a bit better from ranting some. I’ve felt really emo lately… yesterday at work, I was in a really good mood, and I wasn’t yelling at the kids much, I was being nice. But before I left for work, I died twice at 98…. and the way it happened was so fucking stupid. ~~; And then when I came back from work, I was at Raydrics with Griz, and I died again. So, yeah. 3mil, gone. 98 doesn’t help my situation right now, either. It’s just an extra stress that really pisses me off, and often it dictates my mood. It can put me in a really bad mood, really fast. Griz and I kinda got in an argument yesterday, cause I was in such a fucking shitty mood. :x

“Even when she was defensive, it just gave me more incentive, the more you squeeze, the more it slips away. I never walked so far, on a lonely street, with no one there for me… is it worth the pain? With no one to blame? For all of my insecurities, how did I ever let you go?” *sigh* ….and now it’s clear to me, that it’s worth the pain, always take the blame, for all your own insecurities, how did I ever let you go?” Meh…


#: 012

Blah. I feel kinda emo atm. Not so so bad. Not depressed-bad. Just I have trouble falling asleep these days, since I’m alone. I guess that’s when I get really lonely… when I lay down and I realize I have no one to tell me good night. It’s kinda sad that I stay up late enough to have a friend tell me good night, at the very least.

I seriously lay in bed and just think about painful being alone is. I hate not being…needed by someone. Being wanted by someone. I like making people laugh, I like making people smile, I like making people happy. I like spoiling people. And I wish I had someone special for all that.

Maybe I should be alone for a while, I guess it’s a ‘good’ experience to have. But I’d rather have one to love, and have someone to love me. :… I’m really tired.. maybe I’m getting depressed again… I hope not… last week or something, I seriously could do nothing but lay in bed because I was so depressed… I laid in bed, and cried, and I typed to people in RO anytime I had the energy to type.

Anyway, I did 3 more ‘origamis’ as Ryan calls them x3! I did them last night. They were pretty difficult. Mainly the pavilion one… But it’s the coolest, really. ^^!


Dear Chris…

Dear Chris,
Lately I’ve felt like I’ve really just been saying I love you, or talking, or whatever, acting like we’re together, because I’m in denial. I’ve wanted us to be perfect since we started dating, and maybe that’s the wrong thing to chase, since perfection is impossible. Lots of people say the internet and IRL are the same thing. They aren’t. The only reason I really have proof of that is because of you and I. If we could live together next week, I think we’d have a better chance of working. When I sit here and think of being with Mike, I just keep coming back to how I’d miss you. I keep coming back to how much we’ve shared.

I gave him a long bitchy lecture about how I don’t think it’d even work out if I did finally let you go. If there is another guy that comes along. They’d have to compare in all the ways that I want them to, to you. All the little trivial things that matter most to me. I let those trivial things be more important to me than my own happiness. My own need to have affection. My own need to be able to not avoid you. My need to leave all the painful things the internet did to us, behind me. Things like pinching your butt when you’re in your boxers, and you pleading with me to stop. Things like shopping at walmart for PJ pants. Things like all of our pet names for each other. Even with how close I am to him. There are no pet names I can call him because they’re all reserved for you.

If I called him pookie, or baby, I’d want to puke. Because you’re pookie, you’re baby. All the little things like being comfortable in every way possible. Like you knowing how to make me cum, like you knowing how I like to be touched. Like you knowing what not to do around me, or say around me. I’m sorry I’ve complicated everything, but when I step back and look at the relationship we’ve had. The past 2 years has not made either of us happy. When we’re together IRL, it’s a completely different subject. So in the 4 years we’ve been together. the 2 months cumulative we’ve been IRL, has been perfect.

All these little things like, my parents already knowing to say “Is it Chris?” when I’m on the phone. Or the whole world IRL saying “You still with that guy in Florida? How long has it been? Wow, you’re lucky, that’s incredible.” All of that made me think our relationship was made. Even though I’m in love with someone else. I think it would be made, if we could be together IRL. But we can’t. And I can’t get past everything that’s happened. I wish I could.

I think I’ve been desperately trying for 2 years, if not more, to get past everything. To get past what I’ve done to you, what you’ve done to me. But all I’ve done is run from it. I try to ignore it, hide from it. At this point in time, I really don’t know how to have a successful relationship with you. I say I’m over it. I ‘forgive’ you. But I guess I never really have. I wish I could just forget it all, then we’d be fine. But what about my best friend? My companion? What about all of our special things? What about bubbah? What about Seraph? What about the notebooks? What about me only using the word bleeding with you, because we’ve come up with a different communication over the for years? What about the word touching? What about the kissie noises on the phone? Who will nag you about your hair? Who will be Angel’s competition? What about Freddi Elizabeth? What about James Patrick? What about our bed with black sheets and comfy comforters? What about me not expecting a wedding? What about me wearing a ring you gave to me 8 months into our relationship when you proposed to me when we were 16? What about all the music you’ve sent to me? What about the week I took off to see you on your birthday this year? What about.. the millions of other things I could sit here listing for hours?

How do I actually let you go? How do I pretend none of this happened? How do I not compare someone else to the love of my life? I love Mike, I really do. But when I sit here and think about it. I almost think the affection and touching is all we’ve ever had. Maybe it’s that I mean so much to him. But will he ever be the love of my life? I cant’ see that. I really.. can’t. I don’t know what to do. My head feels like it’s going to explode. People don’t understand me. They don’t understand how much is here. How much I think about all the time.

Maybe I’m tired all the time because I have all this stored inside. ANyone looking in would say “stfu and just pick one.” But when I see it, so much goes into it. So, so much. I love you. I really think you’re the love of my life, I feel like if we won’t work, my whole world really will be “Well, Chris did that, so you have to.” “That’s weird.. Chris didn’t do it like that…” “No, you can’t make me stuffed shells, only Chris can.” Is our relationship failed just because of a job? Part of me says yes. Maybe it’s because I can’t find the reasoning besides that, because I’ve always thought if we could live together, or if you could get out of there, and I could get out of this god forsaken house, then we’d manage. But maybe I’m just making excuses for my insecurities? I don’t know.

I wish I wasn’t so complicated. I wish something could fix me. I wish something would make me stupid and full of ignorant bliss. I wish so much. I want so much. Dad: People in hell want ice water, too. Just came to mind. I’m sorry I’ve written so much. I felt the need to, but I don’t think it’s gotten me very far. I feel like I’ll go through the same thing in the morning. I feel like I’ll wake up happy, thinking I’d be fine talking to Mike, being in denial about not actually having to let you go. And then I’d realize that this day wouldn’t be like that. I’d realize after 30 seconds of waking up that I wouldn’t talk to Mike before, that I wouldn’t talk to you like before. I’ll realize I have millions of things to think about, literally, and none of those things are positive. I’ll sink, and think, and wish I never woke up. So I’m afraid to go to sleep. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know if I made any point, I don’t know if I had a point. I just feel sick.


Dear Mike…

Dear Mike,
I was sitting here thinking after you left, and even maybe before you left. I knew a lot of things to say if I got the chance to formulate my thoughts in a letter to you. Now? I’m at a loss for words. I know I love you, I know I’ve never lied when I’ve told you I love you. I don’t think I manipulated you into loving me, but I think maybe we made idiotic choices in how we interacted with one another, despite knowing Chris was there. Maybe we both needed affection. I’m not completely sure on the details with your past, you don’t talk about you much, you talk about me; but maybe it just happened, just felt right, but I guess we both needed affection and attention. I guess it was stupid at the time, but here we are, I guess. Shit happens.

Love and affection doesn’t make a relationship. And sometimes I really sit here and can’t find much between us besides touching, and flattering each other. Because of that, when I look into how our future would be, it doesn’t look that great. I feel like after a while, we wouldn’t be so energetic about loving each other, we wouldn’t be so energetic sexually, we just.. would have not much then. Even though Chris and I don’t work, I have serious attachment issues with him, I remember so many special things between us. I feel like that won’t fade, even with you to make new special memories with. I feel like I’ll constantly compare you to him. I’ll feel like what you’re doing is wrong because it’s not what he would do.

I keep getting this frightening imagination of me going there for a week, and me just not feeling comfortable with it. With me freaking out because I’m not with Chris. I haven’t been touched in any affectionate way by anyone IRL in 8 years, besides Chris. I have problems with anxiety. I have problems with change. So I over exaggerate, maybe, doesn’t change the fact that it’s how I feel. I’m the love of your life, but I think he’s the love of mine. I don’t want to be with you just because I need a replacement for Chris. I don’t want to be with you because you give me affection, because you’ll do anything fo me.

Sometimes I think I’m just running away from the chance to be happy. Sometimes I think that you would just make me smile forever, and you’d be the love of my life. Sometimes I think I’m just clinging onto what I know because change is probably my biggest fear. Not spiders or going fast or rats. Change. Change is the most damaging thing to me. Change is the only thing that ever hurts me tremendously. You’re my biggest fear, but you might be my greatest happiness. Because change is my biggest fear, I just wanted you to go away. I just wanted the emotions to go away. I just should’ve kept you blocked. I should’ve never unblocked you. I should’ve really chased you away so you never wanted to talk to me again.

Change happens so fast, too. It’s so scary how fast it happens. 3 or 4 days ago, maybe a week ago, we got in a pretty serious fight, and you told me you would basically delete me from your life for 3 weeks. Now we’re the closest we’ve ever been to actually being together. The past year in my life has been full of change and I hate it. I lost Lottie, I lost EuphRO, I lost AquaticRO. And now I’m probably losing Chris and getting you. I don’t know how to do so much at once, Mike. I don’t know how to deal with all of this. I think too much. I try and see too zoomed out. I feel the pain of one traumatic event a hundred times or more before it happens. I keep seeing the pain of tomorrow morning when I wake up and for the first 30 seconds I’ll feel like it’ll be another day where I talk to you all day, and talk to Chis here and there, and pretend that I can have you both, and have that work. After that thirty seconds I will feel instantaneously sick as my world collapses and I realize what happened yesterday. I feel this horrible sinking feeling. I feel all of this so many times, I fear it when it actually happens. Instead of just letting it happen when it does. I have to fear it, and rehearse it in my head.

It hurts so much to be forced to change. No, I wasn’t happy with Chris, but at least I avoided heart break. Sticking to what I know hurts less than having no affection, attention, or support. Sticking to all those little things that he and I have grown to share, even though he cheated on me, even though he avoided me when I needed him to be there for me. Those little things, the trivial things that I don’t have with you, made me stick with him for the past 2 years even though I was dead inside, and I was pretty fine with that. I had a glimmer of hope that he’d get a job for me, that we’d be able to live together, and all that shit that happen online would disappear, because the internet IS a separate world from the real life one.

I guess it makes more sane sense to say “Well, Alyx, you’re happy when you’re with me, I do give you attention, I do give you affection, I give you anything you need. I lose so much sleep because of you, I’ve gone through heart break over you, and I haven’t even gotten you yet. I’ve sat here waiting for you because I want to be with you. I’ve sat here watching, just wanting you to be happy. I’ve watched you smile when I smile, so can’t you give up all that for the chance to be happy?” I guess I already have, Mike. All the crying? For hours? I don’t know if I’m just overreacting this time. It feels like it’s really over, and I’m scared of happiness with you.

I lash out at you, I try to push you away, because you try to make my world change. You try to get me to be happy with you, and that’s so scary. There should be complications, there should be problems. It’s not possible for me to just be happy without worry. It scares me that there’s any possibility of that. It scares me that I might have to face being happy. It scares me that I might have to not bitch. It scares me that I might get spoiled. It scares me that someone is willing to do everything for me, like you are.

I’m sorry I hurt you because I’m scared. I know I’ve hurt you so many times because of me being scared of being happy with you, of changing, of you taking my worries away. I’m sorry I’m scared about all the little details that would probably be fine anyway. I’m sorry I’m so worried about everything. I’m sorry I’m so anxious. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry that I’m scared of being happy. I’m sorry I’m scared that you might actually prove me wrong. I’m sorry that I’m scared that you might be the love of my life. I’m sorry that I’m scared of you actually being able to wipe all my troubles away.

I’m sorry I’m scared of being happy.
I’m sorry I’m scared of you being my happiness.