#: 006

You know when you’re a child.. and as you grow, you generally meet kids on the play ground, or in school, day care, take your pick. As you grow as a child your parents and your peers basically show you what is good and bad behavior, what are good and bad things to say to the people around you, to the pets, to anything. In response to something. ANYTHING. Anything you say is molded by your parents, and your peers. When you say something that is not nice, and you don’t realize it, you gradually eithe learn, or are ignorant to human nature. When I was a kid, I was always the center of attention.
I was popular because I strived to be different to get that attention. In 8th grade my middle school sweet heart (gasp, 5-6 month relation, huge deal in middle school) broke my heart.

I seriously believe it fucked up my emotional development. From that point on I became paranoid, I had no idea how to act around people I had been ecentric around for 3 or more years. It’s like I forgot my ability to interact with other people my age. Shortly after I turned to my computer and made my friends there. I tried to be an outcast, but everyone always remembered me, and tried to talk to me all through high school. Throughout this whole time, from the traumatic experiece of a first love breaking my heart, to current day, I learned human behavior. Except for about 5% of oddities, I can generrally predict human reactions to most situations. I’ve had multiple people tell me “You’re always right”, “You’re right 98% of the time”, “You’re ight 97% of the time”. For a long time, I sincerely thought I was always right, until reality kicked me in the face. No, I’m not always right. Humans are most generally predictable animals that repeat themselves in similar situations, similar stresses, stimuli, what-have-you. However, there are
few that will surprise you, and those are the cases where I’m wrong.

Human beings are judgemental. That is fact. Maybe even if it’s not in your concious thought, you judge people. You may stereotype sometimes, you will judge people, that’s how humans work. I believe it’s a defense mechanism to prepare for meeting someone new, or maybe preparing for something where one could be negatively effected my the situation. For instance, consider that for most people who get educated, they learn about different catastrophic events that have happened through out human history; Slavery, Nazi Germany, School shootings. Any of these events will generally impact you, and stay in your head. You’ll filter the information, and end up using it to possibly protect yourself? For any history, or current news, for anything that you may learn about that is of significance, you’ll use that for the future. You might pity, or fear a minority, for different reasons. You could fear them for any crimes that you see highlighted on the news. You could pity them because of starving third world countries, or war. Either way, you judge, in a good, or bad way.

Now think back to when you were that kid. You made fun of a red-head boy with glasses and knobby knees. You see the change on his face, you see the reaction from your peers, you learn from that experience. After many of these experiences, you’ll probably find you get attention from doing things like this. You’ll eventually make your own decision to whether it’s a positive or negative thing to make fun of people. You gradually grow, and keep taking your own course of action, you’ll learn from it, you’ll hurt from it, whatever. Now some of your learning may make you feel like your assuming, but if you pay attention enough to those around you, won’t you really know in your heart what’s going on around you?. That’s a yes for me. Like I said above, people tell me I’m right all the time. I have a firm grasp on empathy, and human nature. I know when I’m being judged. I feel it. It’s hard not to judge. You can love someone unconditionally, and still judge them. The person you love can tell you something that you don’t agree with. Your loved one could have habits that drive you nuts, and you’ll react in a way that they’ll either come to respect, and ignore. Or, you’ll react in a way where they know you’re hiding something. They know your reaction is judgemental, and there’s deeper explanation. Yeah. That’s me. I know when I’m being judged.

This is the reason why I hold onto Chris for dear life. For someone like me who overanalyzes everything? A perfectionist, with always something to worry about? I can’t think of anytime where I’ve really felt self concious around Chris. And if I ever was, it wasn’t a consistant thing. Like I can’t sit here and feel uncomfortable about anything while thinking about him and I. Sex? Yeah, but that has nothing to do with him or his judgement. That has to do with me and my complete fear of any of the consequences dealing with sex. You have sex, you have the chance at having a kid, great. You have sex, it’s apparently a big deal the first time. You have sex, you want it constantly after that, which would suck since he lives hundreds of miles away. But, anyway. Being able to sit here, and sincerely feel like there’s nothing I could say where he’d judge me where I’d feel embarassed. Nothing. I can joke how I want. I can not take a shower for 2 days, and he won’t make me feel like a criminal fo it. That’s something special. Maybe people think it’s ridiculous. But that’s something really special, and that’s why I don’t want to let go of him.

On an off note, I feel like a fucking genius when I come to revalations like this. Rarely do my thoughts connect well, so maybe it did here, woot. :) And I’m out! Too much writing for now, haha. <3
-Lyx

#: 006

You know when you’re a child.. and as you grow, you generally meet kids on the play ground, or in school, day care, take your pick. As you grow as a child your parents and your peers basically show you what is good and bad behavior, what are good and bad things to say to the people around you, to the pets, to anything. In response to something. ANYTHING. Anything you say is molded by your parents, and your peers. When you say something that is not nice, and you don’t realize it, you gradually eithe learn, or are ignorant to human nature. When I was a kid, I was always the center of attention.I was popular because I strived to be different to get that attention. In 8th grade my middle school sweet heart (gasp, 5-6 month relation, huge deal in middle school) broke my heart.I seriously believe it fucked up my emotional development. From that point on I became paranoid, I had no idea how to act around people I had been ecentric around for 3 or more years. It’s like I forgot my ability to interact with other people my age. Shortly after I turned to my computer and made my friends there. I tried to be an outcast, but everyone always remembered me, and tried to talk to me all through high school. Throughout this whole time, from the traumatic experiece of a first love breaking my heart, to current day, I learned human behavior. Except for about 5% of oddities, I can generrally predict human reactions to most situations. I’ve had multiple people tell me “You’re always right”, “You’re right 98% of the time”, “You’re ight 97% of the time”. For a long time, I sincerely thought I was always right, until reality kicked me in the face. No, I’m not always right. Humans are most generally predictable animals that repeat themselves in similar situations, similar stresses, stimuli, what-have-you. However, there arefew that will surprise you, and those are the cases where I’m wrong.Human beings are judgemental. That is fact. Maybe even if it’s not in your concious thought, you judge people. You may stereotype sometimes, you will judge people, that’s how humans work. I believe it’s a defense mechanism to prepare for meeting someone new, or maybe preparing for something where one could be negatively effected my the situation. For instance, consider that for most people who get educated, they learn about different catastrophic events that have happened through out human history; Slavery, Nazi Germany, School shootings. Any of these events will generally impact you, and stay in your head. You’ll filter the information, and end up using it to possibly protect yourself? For any history, or current news, for anything that you may learn about that is of significance, you’ll use that for the future. You might pity, or fear a minority, for different reasons. You could fear them for any crimes that you see highlighted on the news. You could pity them because of starving third world countries, or war. Either way, you judge, in a good, or bad way.Now think back to when you were that kid. You made fun of a red-head boy with glasses and knobby knees. You see the change on his face, you see the reaction from your peers, you learn from that experience. After many of these experiences, you’ll probably find you get attention from doing things like this. You’ll eventually make your own decision to whether it’s a positive or negative thing to make fun of people. You gradually grow, and keep taking your own course of action, you’ll learn from it, you’ll hurt from it, whatever. Now some of your learning may make you feel like your assuming, but if you pay attention enough to those around you, won’t you really know in your heart what’s going on around you?. That’s a yes for me. Like I said above, people tell me I’m right all the time. I have a firm grasp on empathy, and human nature. I know when I’m being judged. I feel it. It’s hard not to judge. You can love someone unconditionally, and still judge them. The person you love can tell you something that you don’t agree with. Your loved one could have habits that drive you nuts, and you’ll react in a way that they’ll either come to respect, and ignore. Or, you’ll react in a way where they know you’re hiding something. They know your reaction is judgemental, and there’s deeper explanation. Yeah. That’s me. I know when I’m being judged.This is the reason why I hold onto Chris for dear life. For someone like me who overanalyzes everything? A perfectionist, with always something to worry about? I can’t think of anytime where I’ve really felt self concious around Chris. And if I ever was, it wasn’t a consistant thing. Like I can’t sit here and feel uncomfortable about anything while thinking about him and I. Sex? Yeah, but that has nothing to do with him or his judgement. That has to do with me and my complete fear of any of the consequences dealing with sex. You have sex, you have the chance at having a kid, great. You have sex, it’s apparently a big deal the first time. You have sex, you want it constantly after that, which would suck since he lives hundreds of miles away. But, anyway. Being able to sit here, and sincerely feel like there’s nothing I could say where he’d judge me where I’d feel embarassed. Nothing. I can joke how I want. I can not take a shower for 2 days, and he won’t make me feel like a criminal fo it. That’s something special. Maybe people think it’s ridiculous. But that’s something really special, and that’s why I don’t want to let go of him.On an off note, I feel like a fucking genius when I come to revalations like this. Rarely do my thoughts connect well, so maybe it did here, woot. :) And I’m out! Too much writing for now, haha.

#: 005

Meh..I hate when reality just beats you in the face, and it’s a completely shock. I logged onto my online class’ website thinger today and my professor was talking abouut how the rest of the assignments and lectures were posted, and the rest of the due dates were posted for the rest of the semester. So I figure.. “Well, shit, I gotta get moving on what to do in the fall..” I really don’t know what I want to do anymore. I don’t think I’d be a good graphic designer because I’m not really great with original things. I’m good with concept ideas, like I can imagine what I want to do to something if I already have it. Like the chicas at the top of this, for instance. I’ve wasted so much time, energy, and money into college, I really have… And I’ve gotten now here with it. I feel bad wanting to say I regret it, because I don’t know I wanted art school to work out for me. I had some awesome friends there, and it was such a nice community.But I couldn’t handle the ‘Yeah, well, this sucks’ from my Drawing I professor. If I couldn’t handle Drawing I, how was I going to handle the other stupid crap I had to do like Figure Drawing, and Drawing II? I mean, those are the foundation coursese for Graphic Design. I got into the art school with a small scholarship for my photography. But I don’t know if I want to do photography. My original plan was to double major; Graphic Design, and Photography. Now? I don’t have a fucking clue. I’ve always wanted to kinda be a teacher.. but they make no money. I want to be well off. Some graphic designers get looaaadded. I would really like to be a well known Photographer, or Digital Artist, but the chances in that fairy tale are not worth chasing. I hate how life is like this. When you’re a kid… you just want to be older. You just want to get out of school, you just want to be like your parents, or not be like your parents. And when you grow up BAM it hits you like a fucking hurricane. “Why the hell did I want to grow up? This shit sucks.” I don’t know if these thoughts are vain, or just realistic. I’m talented, I know I am. I have artistic vision that some others don’t. I can look at things in a completely different way that others cannot. I think I am pretty smart, but my laziness, really makes me disappoint myself. I was looking at my transcript today. It’s just sick, really. Limme see if I can post it here.. I put it together lol x3 I’m so ADD! (So yeah, it’s at the bottom)Anyway. I’m so just.. stuck. I was looking at University of Maryland’s website. I just always figured, I’f go two years here, and then finish up there.I can’t find any of their Graphic Design offerings, maybe I just suck at college websites, I don’t know. But, yeah.. everything sux :(! And so does my transcript I could be getting at least a 3.5GPA, if I tried my best, and if I wasn’t so lazy. x.x; I was sitting here thinking maybe I should just chase web design again but I’d hate the customers.. any website I’ve done for another person, ended up in me wasting lots of time because they suck at telling me what they really want. Like http://paradisero.emevas.net. And then something I did for my sister once. But with Graphic Design, I figure it’s going to be people asking me to design logos and stuff? I’m not that kind of creative, I dunno. Maybe I shouldn’t do Graphic Design at all.. GRRR anyway.. I can’t work at the gym all day, I fucking hate that place, I have since I was 7. Anyway, I’m out. Enjoy,Lyx

#: 005

Meh..I hate when reality just beats you in the face, and it’s a completely shock. I logged onto my online class’ website thinger today and my professor was talking abouut how the rest of the assignments and lectures were posted, and the rest of the due dates were posted for the rest of the semester. So I figure.. “Well, shit, I gotta get moving on what to do in the fall..” I really don’t know what I want to do anymore. I don’t think I’d be a good graphic designer because I’m not really great with original things. I’m good with concept ideas, like I can imagine what I want to do to something if I already have it. Like the chicas at the top of this, for instance. I’ve wasted so much time, energy, and money into college, I really have… And I’ve gotten now here with it. I feel bad wanting to say I regret it, because I don’t know I wanted art school to work out for me. I had some awesome friends there, and it was such a nice community.

But I couldn’t handle the ‘Yeah, well, this sucks’ from my Drawing I professor. If I couldn’t handle Drawing I, how was I going to handle the other stupid crap I had to do like Figure Drawing, and Drawing II? I mean, those are the foundation coursese for Graphic Design. I got into the art school with a small scholarship for my photography. But I don’t know if I want to do photography. My original plan was to double major; Graphic Design, and Photography. Now? I don’t have a fucking clue. I’ve always wanted to kinda be a teacher.. but they make no money. I want to be well off. Some graphic designers get looaaadded. I would really like to be a well known Photographer, or Digital Artist, but the chances in that fairy tale are not worth chasing. I hate how life is like this. When you’re a kid… you just want to be older. You just want to get out of school, you just want to be like your parents, or not be like your parents. And when you grow up BAM it hits you like a fucking hurricane. “Why the hell did I want to grow up? This shit sucks.” I don’t know if these thoughts are vain, or just realistic. I’m talented, I know I am. I have artistic vision that some others don’t. I can look at things in a completely different way that others cannot. I think I am pretty smart, but my laziness, really makes me disappoint myself.

I was looking at my transcript today. It’s just sick, really. Limme see if I can post it here.. I put it together lol x3 I’m so ADD! (So yeah, it’s at the bottom)

Anyway. I’m so just.. stuck. I was looking at University of Maryland’s website. I just always figured, I’f go two years here, and then finish up there.
I can’t find any of their Graphic Design offerings, maybe I just suck at college websites, I don’t know. But, yeah.. everything sux :(! And so does my transcript I could be getting at least a 3.5GPA, if I tried my best, and if I wasn’t so lazy. x.x; I was sitting here thinking maybe I should just chase web design again but I’d hate the customers.. any website I’ve done for another person, ended up in me wasting lots of time because they suck at telling me what they really want. Like http://paradisero.emevas.net. And then something I did for my sister once. But with Graphic Design, I figure it’s going to be people asking me to design logos and stuff? I’m not that kind of creative, I dunno. Maybe I shouldn’t do Graphic Design at all.. GRRR anyway.. I can’t work at the gym all day, I fucking hate that place, I have since I was 7. Anyway, I’m out.

Enjoy,
Lyx

#: 004

Man..I really need to get my license. I feel like I have no time for that shit anymore, I should’ve doneit in high school when I had more time, but I was, and still am, pretty much .. terrified of driving. I don’t know what traumatized me so much to the point where I sneakily avoid learning to drive. I’ve had to renew my learner’s multiple times, lol. They last a year, I think I’ve gotten it 3 times?I have to get it again, too. Anyway, why this rant? Because my brother and my mom are generally my rides to work. They work there too, so it’s generally not such a big hassle.. but sometimes I have to goto work an hour or more earlier than I really have to be there, so it’s a completely fucking waste of mytime, and I hate the place anyway. I hated it my whole life. I did gymnastics there, was singled out when I was in gymnastics, and now I work there, andI get screwed over. Argh, terrible, I say. Well, anyway. Today I teach a ‘Shining Stars’ class at 1:10. Shining Stars is 4 year olds. But my brother wantsto leave now (12:07). So yeah, I have to go get dressed. I hope we get food, I’m hungry as hell..

#: 003

Almost a year later, and I post in this thing again. I made a new layout, and I haven’t finished actually updating the content on the right. Ah, well, maybe I’ll get to it, maybe I won’t. I’ve been doing lots of design stuff lately. I’m taking an online class which is a photography/photoshop kinda class it’s pretty much a cake walk, but I do learn some things I didn’t know before, kinda cool. ^^; I added a comment feature, even though no one looks at this thing, with good reason, I never keep it updated. I don’t get fanlistings, really, or blogs in general, but it’s an interesting community. I like looking at peoples’ layouts and stuff, it’s a new idea to me,even though I’ve been living on the interwebs for years, lol. My inspiration for blogging, or domaining is Yvonne, I love to read about her, as creepy as that sounds, lol. I like the graphics she makes, aswell. Amanda, Teracia, and Chelsea are the main inspiration, and my teachers from webdesign or graphics over the many years that I’ve been interested in anything with design, really. I’ve been through a lot in the past year that I haven’t done anything with this thing. The world of Ragnarok Online has torn my life apart, so to speak. I made the horribledecision to run my own private server. I don’t want to say it was a waste of my time and money, but it was pretty damn close, lol. I originally put music on here, that goes with the System of a Down lyrics that are all over the graphics, but more than one person had … I don’t want to say negative, but it wasn’t positive thoughts on having the music. So I took it off, in case visitors lag from it. Another change I may be going through is this ‘content’ graphic I have. When I put everything together, I really just didn’t like how disjointed the top image looked with the bottom one that the ‘entries’ are on. So, that may change when I get around to it. Well, anyway. This layout is meant to be a clensing from RO, and stuff. I’m going through weird things that I don’t remember the last time anything like this happened. I’m just kinda losing interest in relationships. In Chris. I think it’s too complicated to really.. right here.. but, yeah.. I’m also really not at liberty to but our business out there. On LJ, I used to just.. complain and bitch about Chris, and how is that fair to him? It’s human nature to defend yourself, so anything I say about us, will make it seem like he’s an aweful person, when I don’t believe that’s so. Even though I’m losing interest, I know I love him, I know I do, and I do think some of the things I say and do towards him, at this point, is out of obligation or maybe habit, but I know I do love him. Well, anyway. I can’t think of what else to write, and I dunno when I’ll have time to tidy this up, because I’ve been working a lot lately.. and I hauled ass to get this up as it is, lol. Anyway, enjoy, to anyone who actually looks at this. -Lyx

#: 004

Man..I really need to get my license. I feel like I have no time for that shit anymore, I should’ve done
it in high school when I had more time, but I was, and still am, pretty much .. terrified of driving. I don’t know what traumatized me so much to the
point where I sneakily avoid learning to drive. I’ve had to renew my learner’s multiple times, lol. They last a year, I think I’ve gotten it 3 times?
I have to get it again, too. Anyway, why this rant? Because my brother and my mom are generally my rides to work. They work there too, so it’s generally
not such a big hassle.. but sometimes I have to goto work an hour or more earlier than I really have to be there, so it’s a completely fucking waste of my
time, and I hate the place anyway. I hated it my whole life. I did gymnastics there, was singled out when I was in gymnastics, and now I work there, and
I get screwed over. Argh, terrible, I say. Well, anyway. Today I teach a ‘Shining Stars’ class at 1:10. Shining Stars is 4 year olds. But my brother wants
to leave now (12:07). So yeah, I have to go get dressed. I hope we get food, I’m hungry as hell.. <3 Baibai
-Lyx

#: 003

Almost a year later, and I post in this thing again. I made a new layout, and I haven’t finished actually updating the content on the right. Ah, well, maybe I’ll get to it, maybe I won’t. I’ve been doing lots of design stuff lately. I’m taking an online class which is a photography/photoshop kinda class it’s pretty much a cake walk, but I do learn some things I didn’t know before, kinda cool. ^^; I added a comment feature, even though no one looks at this thing, with good reason, I never keep it updated.

I don’t get fanlistings, really, or blogs in general, but it’s an interesting community. I like looking at peoples’ layouts and stuff, it’s a new idea to me,
even though I’ve been living on the interwebs for years, lol. My inspiration for blogging, or domaining is Yvonne, I love to read about her, as creepy as that sounds, lol. I like the graphics she makes, aswell. Amanda, Teracia, and Chelsea are the main inspiration, and my teachers from webdesign or graphics over the many years that I’ve been interested in anything with design, really. I’ve been through a lot in the past year that I haven’t done anything with this thing. The world of Ragnarok Online has torn my life apart, so to speak. I made the horrible
decision to run my own private server.

I don’t want to say it was a waste of my time and money, but it was pretty damn close, lol. I originally put music on here, that goes with the System of a Down lyrics that are all over the graphics, but more than one person had … I don’t want to say negative, but it wasn’t positive thoughts on having the music. So I took it off, in case visitors lag from it. Another change I may be going through is this ‘content’ graphic I have. When I put everything together, I really just didn’t like how disjointed the top image looked with the bottom one that the ‘entries’ are on. So, that may change when I get around to it. Well, anyway. This layout is meant to be a clensing from RO, and stuff. I’m going through weird things that I don’t remember the last time anything like this happened. I’m just kinda losing interest in relationships. In Chris. I think it’s too complicated to really.. right here.. but, yeah..

I’m also really not at liberty to but our business out there. On LJ, I used to just.. complain and bitch about Chris, and how is that fair to him? It’s human nature to defend yourself, so anything I say about us, will make it seem like he’s an aweful person, when I don’t believe that’s so. Even though I’m losing interest, I know I love him, I know I do, and I do think some of the things I say and do towards him, at this point, is out of obligation or maybe habit, but I know I do love him. Well, anyway. I can’t think of what else to write, and I dunno when I’ll have time to tidy this up, because I’ve been working a lot lately.. and I hauled ass to get this up as it is, lol. Anyway, enjoy, to anyone who actually looks at this.
-Lyx

#: 002

Wah! I’ve been really tired and stress from all the stuff, in theory that I have on my plate. I have this thing that I want to finish, or my money is wasted. I also have the Silver Stars website I’d like to finish. I really need to get all the photos that I want to sell up and on the photogallery so I can sell them and maybe make some of the money back from having this domain. Bah. This coming week is my last week of school, which is a relief. I have mixed emotions about next semester. I am excited, but dread it, also. I dread the responsiblity of art, the dedication I don’t have. I fear my art next to someone else’s. I’m just.. yeah. Anyway..I also have that I want to get to High Wizard on RO. I’ve been playing the char (although I made other chars along the way) like 8 months ago? She should be transcended by now. Yeah, it pisses me off. :( So I haven’t been working on this ’cause I’ve been sluggish lately.. I’ll try to work on it soon. ;.;-Lyx

Lyxie blogs and stuff!