Category Archives: Blogging

I miss Mike.

I wish I could get him out of my fucking head. He hasn’t talked to me in almost a month and a half. Some how this time it feels much longer. I’m surprised it’s not longer. I guess it feels longer because I somehow in my heart think he’s not coming back this time. I think the last time I’ll ever have spoke to him was an argument about something I found silly. But whatever, I guess I should know better, right? He’s done this to me so many times since I’ve known him. I’ve called it his ‘disappearing’ trick. there was one time where he didn’t talk to me for a year. A year, even when me e-mailing things like: ‘Hey, how are you? I hope everything is okay, I hope you’re not working yourself to death’ every few weeks. He was deleting my e-mails. How awesome is that?

The reasons why I think he’s never going to come back is because the last time we talked was an argument, so it’s not even just that he’s busy with work and can’t make time to say hi, even though that may help him avoid me. And, I had told him I would give us a second shot if he could decide that he could make time in his life for me. His parents own a business and he gets that business when they give it to him. If he has an international girlfriend, it’ll be difficult to run the business. My theory is that he’s decided ‘I’m not going to do this’ but instead of telling me he’s avoiding me. He’s not just avoiding me, he also is busy with work.

I wish I could get him out of my head. I wish I could stop thinking how he could fix my tears when I have a bad day. I wish I could stop thinking we were so happy, I wish I could have it again. If he’s done with me, I wish I could be done with him.

Sadness

League of Legends is a security blanket. When I play League of Legends I don’t think about the things in my life that bother me. League of Legends is an addiction for me. When League of Legends goes bad, I become a heaped mess of sadness, tears, and depression. I know, this is incredibly sad. I’m just a sick individual. But no need to be in denial about it.

I would say for the last 2 months or so I have had fun only a small portion of the time I was playing League. Lately though it’s been really bad. I’ve been not only not having fun, but been really upset about what’s going on. A few weeks ago I uninstalled after a series of games where I just wasn’t having fun. I decided it would be best if I uninstalled because I could do things that made more sense (homework). I uninstalled for 5 days and reinstalled after having a good day at school, expecting to be able to play the way I did prior to having shitty games. I think I got worse in the time I wasn’t playing.

I don’t feel like writing amymore.

fml

redditgifts.com!!

Okay so I haven’t been this excited about anything in such a long time. I guess it’s the curiosity and intrigue. It’s like being a kid all over again because you have no idea what you’ll get. For Christmas and birthdays in the real world when you’re an adult you just get what you asked for. But this? THIS? IS SO COOL! You get to surprise someone you don’t know and you get something completely awesome and random from someone you don’t know! And hell, maybe you even become friends with them?! It’s so cool and I love going through the redditgifts gallery and looking at the awesome pictures and stories. It’s actually like a Christmas present to me. I get the person I get to buy a gift for 5 days before my birthday! Then I get to start stalking them and figure out what to get them :o!!

It’s so exciting. I hope I don’t get creative block. I want to do something awesome for them. I’ve seen some really awesome stuff from the gallery.

<3, Lyxie

Surgery

I’m having surgery sometime soon to have my gallbladder taken out. Not nervous really. Hope it all goes smoothly.

P.S. I deleted Sexy from my friends lists today. It hurts to much to see the name all the time. I don’t have a problem talking to him if he ever comes back… but I miss him too much when he’s gone to just stare at his name being online and wonder why he can’t say hi.

I hate life right now.
Alyx

luls to the max

Okay so uh… so funny for people I haven’t talked to in a long time to go “Oh hey, sup? s’good?” And then I see their facebook relationship status, or they tell me, ‘oh yeah, single’ It’s like, ‘oh no, that’s not a coincidence AT ALL! I’m sure you’re not talking to me with expectations at all, douchenozzle’ Jesus. Lol. Maybe this is why I’ve dated online my whole life. So fucking stupid. And it’s not like I’m dumb. You’re not talking to me just to catch up, you’re talking to me because you think of me of a candidate for fuck buddy or more, who knows.

Oh to be single, how amusing.

Sorry guys, I’m married. My husband’s name is LoL. ROfl. <3 In other news, I had a pretty bad day. it wasn’t bad because of events that happened, it was bad because I felt mentally ill the whole time. I was just sad and/or depressed the whole fucking day. It sucked ass. Anyway, love you Emmie. Night bbygurrrll!

Actually excited from work!

Man! I feel so pumped and achieved! Limme try to explain this so there is full understanding here. Firstof all, I teach gymnastics for a living. I not only teach it, I also coach a tumbling and trampoline team. Fyi, coaching != teaching. But anyway. For as long as I’ve been coaching (6, maybe 7 years). We’ve always been kinda lax to the point where not everyone even has the same attire, which just looks unprofessional. So last week I took the initiative to actually find a warm up with a good price point that my team parents would be willing to pay. But I also wanted EVERYONE to have one and EVERYONE to have incentive to wear the stuff to every meet.

Anyway, I took the time to make a pdf explaining what we were ordering, with pictures, and a writable pdf, size charts, etc. normally with this sort of thing around the gym it would be procrastinated to the point where no one ever has what they need. But I kept bothering parents with emails, called, etc. I spent HOURS doing this shit. And then I made a spread sheet of all sizes and stuff, tallied up what I needed to order, made sure I wasn’t missing anyone. I’m SO PROUD of myself.

I can’t wait to see everyone look the same on the competition floor. It’ll make me so happy. We’re going to get them embroidered and everything. Going to be so wonderful. I’m so excited. And I was bummed about it before.

Lonely

Hi emmie.
I’m talking to you because I have np one to talk to. I don’t even really think it’s a romantic loneliness, but maybe it is. I just lay down in bed and wish I had someone to talk to at that moment, when really I should just be going to bed…

I’m so needy. A bunch of people text me, then they stop and I feel sad that no one is texting me anymore.

Won a ranked game. Going to sleep. Night.

Epiphany

So now I understand why League of Legends is an addiction for me. I use League of Legends as a mindless activity I do. While I’m playing it I really don’t think about my surroundings, my life. I don’t think about the things that bother me on a day to day basis. I don’t think about how much I hate my life when I play League of Legends. Sometimes I play too long at a time and I get into a bad mood from a bad game, or from a series of bad games… and then it’s like my protection failed so I have even more to be upset about.

Then I start thinking about how LITERALLY my life is League of Legends. Every waking moment of my free time in the last 2-3 weeks I have only played League. I haven’t even spent time on school work at home because I’ll play League instead. I have no motivation for anything I need to get done. Things I really need to do, absolutely need to do I avoid doing because of League. I haven’t cleaned my gecko’s tank even though I’ve been needing to do it for 3 weeks. I then get upset when geckos die because I don’t prioritize them the way they should be prioritized. Wow, I am a sick human being. But not just for that reason I guess.

If you knew what this house looked like. If you knew the state of disrepair I have lived in my whole life… maybe some of my issues could be explained that way. I have never lived in a normal home and I have never had a friend over — IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. My room gets worse as the days go by. It was normal at some point in time for some period of time, but I have no idea when that will ever happen again. My dresser is broken so I have nowhere to put clothes, so they’re on the floor. Mingled with trash, etc. Oh that’s not considering how the dogs make the house disgusting too. There are so many just absolutely disgusting things about this house that if a normal person came in here without psychological barriers they would be scarred for life, and I’ve lived here my entire life. It actually could probably be featured on one of those tv shows.

But anyway, I digress. I hate my life. I have no motivation to fix it, and that’s where League of Legends comes in. I play League of Legends to run away from my problems, to not have to face my demons. Talking to people doesn’t help because… well the only thing that will make me better is to take steps towards being happy about my life, and I don’t do that because all I do as soon as I get near my computer is play League. Whilst obligation after obligation stacks up or comes and goes.

And of course someone close to me hasn’t talked to me in a while which bothers me, but I don’t need to get into that. Need to just not think about it and leave it as it is.

yay life. yay adult hood.

If you died tomorrow would you be happy about the state of your life today? I wouldn’t.

Easy to please

You know, it’s not that hard to say something I want to hear. It really isn’t. Trying to fix me and all this stuff, is completely unnecessary. I realized exactly what I want to hear anytime I’m in a bad mood, and no one ever does it this way. They try to talk all this smooth shit at me. This is all it takes people:

MindALot (8:08): sorry things not going well – hope you find something to make you happy soon.
Lyxie (8:08): Thanks. I appreciate it.

That is literally all it takes. Please, do not tell me how great I am and flatter me when I’m upset. Also, don’t tell me what I should’ve done to fix the situation. Just tell me it’ll be okay, or you hope it’ll be okay, or something like that. That’s all.