I wish I could get him out of my fucking head. He hasn’t talked to me in almost a month and a half. Some how this time it feels much longer. I’m surprised it’s not longer. I guess it feels longer because I somehow in my heart think he’s not coming back this time. I think the last time I’ll ever have spoke to him was an argument about something I found silly. But whatever, I guess I should know better, right? He’s done this to me so many times since I’ve known him. I’ve called it his ‘disappearing’ trick. there was one time where he didn’t talk to me for a year. A year, even when me e-mailing things like: ‘Hey, how are you? I hope everything is okay, I hope you’re not working yourself to death’ every few weeks. He was deleting my e-mails. How awesome is that?
The reasons why I think he’s never going to come back is because the last time we talked was an argument, so it’s not even just that he’s busy with work and can’t make time to say hi, even though that may help him avoid me. And, I had told him I would give us a second shot if he could decide that he could make time in his life for me. His parents own a business and he gets that business when they give it to him. If he has an international girlfriend, it’ll be difficult to run the business. My theory is that he’s decided ‘I’m not going to do this’ but instead of telling me he’s avoiding me. He’s not just avoiding me, he also is busy with work.
I wish I could get him out of my head. I wish I could stop thinking how he could fix my tears when I have a bad day. I wish I could stop thinking we were so happy, I wish I could have it again. If he’s done with me, I wish I could be done with him.
League of Legends is a security blanket. When I play League of Legends I don’t think about the things in my life that bother me. League of Legends is an addiction for me. When League of Legends goes bad, I become a heaped mess of sadness, tears, and depression. I know, this is incredibly sad. I’m just a sick individual. But no need to be in denial about it.
I would say for the last 2 months or so I have had fun only a small portion of the time I was playing League. Lately though it’s been really bad. I’ve been not only not having fun, but been really upset about what’s going on. A few weeks ago I uninstalled after a series of games where I just wasn’t having fun. I decided it would be best if I uninstalled because I could do things that made more sense (homework). I uninstalled for 5 days and reinstalled after having a good day at school, expecting to be able to play the way I did prior to having shitty games. I think I got worse in the time I wasn’t playing.
I don’t feel like writing amymore.
Okay so I haven’t been this excited about anything in such a long time. I guess it’s the curiosity and intrigue. It’s like being a kid all over again because you have no idea what you’ll get. For Christmas and birthdays in the real world when you’re an adult you just get what you asked for. But this? THIS? IS SO COOL! You get to surprise someone you don’t know and you get something completely awesome and random from someone you don’t know! And hell, maybe you even become friends with them?! It’s so cool and I love going through the redditgifts gallery and looking at the awesome pictures and stories. It’s actually like a Christmas present to me. I get the person I get to buy a gift for 5 days before my birthday! Then I get to start stalking them and figure out what to get them :o!!
It’s so exciting. I hope I don’t get creative block. I want to do something awesome for them. I’ve seen some really awesome stuff from the gallery.
Sometimes having friends is stressful. Like you care so much about them, love ‘em to death… but they don’t necessary see themselves in the same light that you do… they also may live life a different way than you do which can be stressful. I’m exhausted from that conversation and the day in general.
Love you even though you stress me!
I’m having surgery sometime soon to have my gallbladder taken out. Not nervous really. Hope it all goes smoothly.
P.S. I deleted Sexy from my friends lists today. It hurts to much to see the name all the time. I don’t have a problem talking to him if he ever comes back… but I miss him too much when he’s gone to just stare at his name being online and wonder why he can’t say hi.
I hate life right now.
So Saturday night I had one of my ‘pain’ attacks. I’ve had these ever so often since… I think my first one I was still with Mike. So that’s years ago. Years of these things. But not too often really. Anyway. I’m not sure I’ve ever explained the attacks on here before. I have to a few people that are close to me. Essentially it’s a rapid onset of pain. It makes it so I can’t move. If I move I will have trouble breathing and I will probably throw up. To make it easier on myself I just kinda writhe in bed. In the past I always assumed it was a gas thing or an acid reflux sorta thing. It would be this continuing pain from my chest, I guess it would kinda start in my stomach and radiate up. But then it went to my back. It was just bad. Anyway, I had one of these attacks on Saturday. The issue was, the pain in my chest didn’t stop. I couldn’t sleep. I got my parents involved. I’m never in enough pain to get anyone but close people online involved, and that’s usually after it happens. My dad chalked it up to acid reflux or heartburn or something. So I took a lot of heartburn stuff, anti bloating stuff, and it helped, but I couldn’t sleep. It was very frustrating, and very painful. I couldn’t sleep the next night either. So I made an appointment. A doctor’s appointment. Quick thing about me; I hate doctors. I have avoided doctors successfully for 10 years.
My doctor is pretty awesome though. He had me run blood work on Monday, he called me Monday night after he scheduled an ultrasound for me the next day. Then he told me over the phone some enzyme was high and I probably had gallstones. He wanted more blood tests to make sure I didn’t have hepatitis. This morning I had more blood work and an ultrasound. Ultrasound technician had some trouble, I feel kinda bruised from it But regardless, I have ‘too many gallstones to count’ so I need surgery. My doctor said they’d just pluck the stones out, but I have an appointment with my surgeon on Friday. I guess, possibly he’d take the gallbladder out completely. I don’t know. I kinda hope not. Sounds more serious than just plucking them out.
Regardless. This just goes to show my eating habits of kinda fasting and eating big meals… can’t do that. Also can’t eat these hugely fatty meals without consequence. Not sure how well I can work it out since it’s engrained into me to eat this way… but the pain sucked and hopefully it’ll motivate me to be better.
I need to go to bed because the pain is starting to get to me when it hasn’t been here all night. Would be a shame to not get sleep because of pain when I’ve been up all day with no pain!
Okay so uh… so funny for people I haven’t talked to in a long time to go “Oh hey, sup? s’good?” And then I see their facebook relationship status, or they tell me, ‘oh yeah, single’ It’s like, ‘oh no, that’s not a coincidence AT ALL! I’m sure you’re not talking to me with expectations at all, douchenozzle’ Jesus. Lol. Maybe this is why I’ve dated online my whole life. So fucking stupid. And it’s not like I’m dumb. You’re not talking to me just to catch up, you’re talking to me because you think of me of a candidate for fuck buddy or more, who knows.
Oh to be single, how amusing.
Sorry guys, I’m married. My husband’s name is LoL. ROfl. <3 In other news, I had a pretty bad day. it wasn’t bad because of events that happened, it was bad because I felt mentally ill the whole time. I was just sad and/or depressed the whole fucking day. It sucked ass. Anyway, love you Emmie. Night bbygurrrll!
Every night when I stop playing League and have no one to talk to… I just feel sad and lonely. I can’t wait until the semester ends. I think I really will need to make some changes to my life.
I wish you would hear me. I miss you.
Man! I feel so pumped and achieved! Limme try to explain this so there is full understanding here. Firstof all, I teach gymnastics for a living. I not only teach it, I also coach a tumbling and trampoline team. Fyi, coaching != teaching. But anyway. For as long as I’ve been coaching (6, maybe 7 years). We’ve always been kinda lax to the point where not everyone even has the same attire, which just looks unprofessional. So last week I took the initiative to actually find a warm up with a good price point that my team parents would be willing to pay. But I also wanted EVERYONE to have one and EVERYONE to have incentive to wear the stuff to every meet.
Anyway, I took the time to make a pdf explaining what we were ordering, with pictures, and a writable pdf, size charts, etc. normally with this sort of thing around the gym it would be procrastinated to the point where no one ever has what they need. But I kept bothering parents with emails, called, etc. I spent HOURS doing this shit. And then I made a spread sheet of all sizes and stuff, tallied up what I needed to order, made sure I wasn’t missing anyone. I’m SO PROUD of myself.
I can’t wait to see everyone look the same on the competition floor. It’ll make me so happy. We’re going to get them embroidered and everything. Going to be so wonderful. I’m so excited. And I was bummed about it before.