Category Archives: Blogging


So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:

Bruise from blood being drawn:

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx


Emmie –
I’m already stressed by my math class and we’re not even doing stuff I don’t know how to do yet.

I have a friend I play League with. I actually met him from my stream. He’s a really cool guy to play with and he’s nice and everything. However, ever since I found out a bit about him… every time I talk to him I’m consumed with a rage that makes me not want to talk to him. It’s very petty. However, I’m just jealous of him. I’m incredibly jealous of the lifestyle he gets to live. He was a pro gamer, I think since he was 13 or something. So he’s always had money. He also is an owner or co-owner of a clothing company in California. He’s 21 and is married and has a child. What if we all could still afford that? Would we get married sooner? Would we have kids sooner? I know I would. I know a lot of my stress would not be as bad and would certainly not be the same if I had it made like that. I just get bitter when I talk to him. I’m so jealous. I’m jealous that he is financially stable, and he is already settled down even though he’s so young.

Whatever. Back to homework… that I have no interest in doing.


I do apologize wholeheartedly for my absence. Sometimes my absence means that I am just tickled with joy by life. Other times I’m not even close to that, but am so distracted and busy that I can’t even write here. I guess I have a lot to tell you, Emmie. It has been nearly two whole months since I have talked to you. Again, I am so sorry for this.

Since the beginning of November I had been talking to this guy. He’s really awesome and I was trying to prevent anything from happening between us. I told him multiple times I didn’t want the distance, and probably wasn’t even psychologically ready for a relationship anyway. Ironically enough, he was coming this way to visit some friends in PA. He came here first and we hung out a lot. We really fell for each other, quite hard. It was still tortuous for me and very difficult to just allow us to happen. I’ve been so terrified of rushing into things because of the last few years of my life. From talking to some close friends about it, I made the decision to try it out. So far we’re really happy. I’m going to visit him in May, and I think he’s going to come here for Christmas. I’m still terrified of it not working because of distance and whatever else… but I’ll worry about that if the time comes to worry about it, I guess.

Daniel apparently can’t be anything but an asshole now. It sucks, but oh well, I guess. I guess I attract people who can’t be friends with me after a relationship. Or can’t even talk to me it looks like. Two out of the three biggest relationships in my life, they won’t even talk to me. It makes me really upset. I have to find a way to get over it. Crying over two boys who won’t talk to me anymore, every time I think of them is just silly. I guess it’s a good thing I never went to Germany. I guess it’s a good thing that Brazilian never moved here. But I guess I just live in the past; I think about Mike every now and then, even still. Bitch hasn’t talked to me in months, and probably has no intention of ever speaking to me again, and I still think about him. I wish I could get over him, just not think about him anymore. I don’t think it’s possible for me to just forget him. I wish I could, because he doesn’t deserve my thoughts anymore. And now with Daniel, just acting nonchalant and assholeish like he never wants to talk to me again. Fine. Jerk ~_~. I guess I attract those sorts of people, or rather, I like those sorts of people, or gravitate towards them.

On to the next bit of whirlwind in my life. I am currently living with my grandmother in my uncle’s extra house. She broke her leg nearly 3 months ago. She was in rehab for a considerable amount of time, and then she stayed at her sister’s house for a bit, then she was at my uncle’s. It was kind of dropped in my lap, and has been a very up-and-down sort of experience. Thankfully grandma is starting to calm down, and I guess everyone else is too (my dad and uncles). I think I will be living here for about a year until she is ready to go into an assisted living place or a retirement home, not sure which. If she falls or something happens obviously it may not be a year. I would love to buy this house from my uncle, but obviously I don’t have money like that. I do have internet and cable tv in the house now, for the first 2-3 weeks we didn’t have cable tv or internet. For a week they were fixing the pipes so I had to go home to take showers. For the first 2 weeks I had my dog Charlie here. Now she’s not allowed here and I miss her a lot. I wish it were easier for her, and then it would be easier for me…

I’m starting school this week. I’m hoping it won’t be as stressful a last semester. All of my classes are online, so that’s good. Self motivation can deteriorate after a time though.

Oh, also. I’m getting my license on March 16th. That’s when my test is scheduled. If I fail it that’ll be shitty because they have a huge back up. Maybe I’ll schedule a second one just in case.

Anyway. That’s the run down, excluding a lot of details. I’ll try to post more frequently.

Hope you’re okay, Mike.


Suddenly spiteful!

I am spiteful towards technology. It’s mostly because of my pens, but also because of books. So I love pens. I have a huge collection of brightly colored pens. I buy pens like I buy books. I buy more without needing more or having use for more. I have so many! But because of technology I never us them like I could! The book thing? People have kindles everywhere. I’m tempted to have one, but I looovee how books affect my senses. A kindle can’t do that.

I’m such a girl

I like reading posts like this:

XD I’m such a fucking girl, it’s stupid. wtb a good kisser? Actually I can only think of a few bad experiences with kissing. Most people I’ve kissed were decent. But these women tell stories of grandeur I guess.

Back to homework.

My post passed the Bear Grylls post!!

I’m really excited because… well I’ve always wanted a popular thread on reddit because it gives me something to do. Responding to so many people is something entertaining to do and gives me people to talk to. A post of mine in the secret santa subreddit is at the top and it passed the post about Bear Grylls doing redditgifts!! I’m really excited and constantly have orangereds. I love orangereds.

<3 Alyx