Category Archives: Love life

#: 320

Soo, hello. :) I got back from Brazil yesterday. It was a considerably better visit than the first time I went. I think the first time was; ‘Let’s see if we really love each other, and maybe let’s impress each other a bit…’ This time it was really just ‘let’s spend time together and be ourselves.’ Time was too short, and we both got sick which means we could’ve had better time together had we not been sick, but fortunately we weren’t sick for long. Luckily it wasn’t a week-long episode of being sick for either of us since we only had 2 weeks together! It’s been a pretty intense 3 weeks for me. Up, down, up, down! Right now I’m trying to adjust to being in this house again with out Daniel or his family keeping me sane and healthy. I’ve been doing loads of laundry all day. I managed to feed myself, tho! :) However my body is already reacting badly to going back to eating processed foods. In Brazil I was eating ‘real’ food the whole time… then I come back and eat stuff like subs and powered soup (Lipton’s). Lol.

While I was gone my room was absolutely destroyed by the dogs. I am trying to fix the aftermath but it’s difficult to keep myself moving with these chores of laundry and picking up trash and such. I’m only easing myself into cleaning, not diving into it like I normally do. I guess something is better than nothing, right? Anyway… so basically my desk has shelving above my monitor. 2 shelves and then ontop is a row of books spaning across the entire top of the desk. On one of the shelves above my monitor I had 2 syrups for milk (my niece gave me a ‘chocolate milk blender’ for Christmas last year). Apparently Griff (the huge Neopolitan Mastiff puppy) got down the chocolate syrup and dirtied pretty much everything in my room. Ontop of that I pretty much have no remaining survivors of the plushie persuasion. My dragon from Dave and Busters, Elmo from Dave and Busters, Oscar from Dave and Busters, and numerous others have been maimed in someway or another and will just have to go in the trash. No reason in keeping a plushie with his stuffing coming out. (unless he’s very special for one reason or another)

Onto the more traumatizing things: Most traumatizing is that somehow the dogs knocked over Mika’s terrarium. Mika is my baby leopard gecko who’s not even a year yet. Apparently my dad had to search my whole room for her; we’re lucky she wasn’t eaten by a dog, or that any of the stuff that fell out of the tank with her didn’t crush her. When I was at the beach we didn’t have internet and I had to use a lan house to communicate with my family. When I heard this news I literally had a panic attack in the lan house. Daniel had to type to my dad for me and it took me a considerable amount of time to stop crying and shaking. After thinking about it and thinking about it, I think I’m so lucky and grateful that something didn’t happen to her. She didn’t even drop her tail… What if something crushed her? What if a dog ate her? x_x omg I would’ve lost my fucking mind, for real.

Anyway, next traumatizing thing. On the top shelf after the syrup one, I had 2 dolls that my grandmother gave me. She crocheted their outfits and everything. They’re beautiful and could remind me for a long time of her awesomeness. Well anyway, some how they got the dolls down. I’ve since found one. She seems in decent condition but her hair looks like some was ripped out. The other one I haven’t found yet… I hope she’s ok. :s

Next on the list: my bed. Apparently when the chocolate fiasco took place, my dad took all the bed clothes off my bed and washed them. However, when he did that he exposed my matress. My mattress is no longer in pristine condition. The dogs have made it all dirty, which makes me sad. I’m sure you can probably spot clean a mattress, but it would be pretty impossible in this house to move it outside to clean/dry it. :( It was also pretty shitty to just wanna go to sleep, but have to clean everything and make my bed and stuff. Plus, there’s a huge hole in my sheet. Wtf is that bullshit?

Next: My earrings. I keep my earrings in a small (no bigger by 5in by 5in) ceramic turtle that I bought in Mexico. I keep it on the same shelf as the syrup. It’s been knocked down and who knows where the fuck all my earrings are now. :(

Anyway. Despite my room being a disaster, and my hard time adjusting to being home again… I really had a wonderful time while I was with Daniel in Brazil. We were quite happy and only had a few altercations. When you are with someone 24/7 you’ll have altercations. Lol. Some of them were me catching an attitude from bleeding. Some of them were really just me being a brat, or him being a brat, or both. We generally got over these fights quickly though. Online I’m not sure they’d disappear as quickly. I guess there’s something about seeing the look of your love being so pissed that you hate to see and do anything to stop.

Anyway. I’ve been doing laundry all day and am now trying to figure out my future semesters at MC to prepare for University of Maryland.

See ya. :)

#: 271

It took a few days to revert to normalcy, but I think I’m good for now. I mean I don’t constantly have worry for unknown reasons… every day. Which is awesome. lol. Anyway, I think there are a few other factors as well. I think if I just had interaction with ‘friends’, it would be okay. Maybe the distance would be easier, etc. So I’m trying to talk on the phone with people as often as I can to keep my sanity. Daniel’s playing WoW a lot, but I know it’s hard to juggle free time. You need to have a healthy balance between your significant other, your friends, and yourself. So I don’t expect him not to play WoW. I really don’t. Sometimes I get bratty and selfish and whine about it, but I think that’s just jealous that he has a game and I don’t. :(

Anyway. I think I’m a difficult person. >:! For instance, where IRL friendships are considered I think I need all or nothing. I need regular friendship, or I need to just not have it at all. I got pretty used to not being able to hang out for 6 months. I just fell into the mindset that it’s how life is, you know. Full time job, school… which equates to all work no play. And then I have this one amazing weekend where I have friends for a weekend, and we go out and do COOL SHIT all weekend. I mean there were downs here and there, but in retrospect none of that shit matters, because it levels out to be an awesome fuckin’ weekend. But to come back home to my life of absolute abysmal nothingness after that weekend, I just fuckin’ lost my shit. I had no one after that. I couldn’t talk to any of those people I had all weekend. And I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I started freaking out and doubting my relationship really hardcore. It sounds harsh and all that, but to be honest I was doubting it prior. Not necessarily doubting it, that sounds hella bad. But the distance stressed me out.

Anyway. So onto why I started writing in the first place. Josh is a pretty big influence on me I guess, but I guess people in the past can always have an influence. And it’s not like he has a huge influence when you factor in other things. So basically, I kinda pushed me over the edge for getting into hockey. Last season I was planning to get into it, because I was like ‘damn dude I got NOTHIN’ when football is in off season.’, I vaguely remember being at Christine’s house during a playoff game for the Capitals last year. I think it was the last game of the playoffs for them, ie. they lost. But anyway, I was always hesitant about getting into hockey because I don’t want to be pissed to miss games. I know I sincerely like it without some weird need to impress Josh or something like that. I actually watch with interest. There are times with football games that the Redskins are playing, where I don’t even watch. I’m content to listen and turn my head here and there to watch if they’re close to a touch down or something. But with hockey I’m generally WATCHING, unless I’m working then of course I can’t. But I really like that there are more games. So it can keep me excited during the week while waiting for football (when they overlap), and then it can just keep me excited all week when they don’t overlap. Now when the season ends and there’s that month where I have to wait for football, I’m blown. Because since I’ve been back I’ve channeled hockey as something to keep me sane. For instance, right now I’m watching a game and I didn’t know who the teams even were. I just said ‘ooo hockey’. That’s another reason I know I sincerely like it. I don’t have time, but even if I did I don’t know that I’d necessarily watch other teams’ games in football. But I guess at the same time, it’s like comparing apples and oranges. The last time I got to watch football, my life was different. I was playing WoW, and had shit to do. But yeah.

Anyway, the story is that I like hockey and I like it whether Josh is involved or not. I’m always defensive over what I think people think, it’s weird. Like I guess if I were an onlooker, it’d be like ‘Wow, kid, you’re obsessed over Josh and want to impress him so you watch hockey’. He hates my team, so yeah, that’s fun. But really, right now… it’s just something to keep me going. games are what 2.5-3 hours or something? That’s time I could otherwise be other thinking or over analyzing my life… or someone else’s. lol.



P.S. I’m hoping Daniel and I work out. I don’t want the distance to break us up.

#: 270

So, yeah. I hope I’ll get completely better soon. When I’m sitting here doing nothing, and there’s no one to talk to (often), I get anxious in my stomach. I don’t even know why. It’s not like specific triggers set off the anxiety. It just happens, and I become worried about my life that seems meaningless. The big trigger for all of it though was my last weekend, which was really amazing.

I went to see really old friends from when I RPed when I was a teenager. Tom was the original, then I met Josh and Todd through Tom. What makes all of it interesting is they all loved me at some point when we were teenagers. I actually ‘dated’ Tom and Josh, but I had a ‘physical relationship’ with Todd. It made it different that way. I had always seen Todd as ‘the one who got away’. Don’t get me wrong, all this history didn’t make it so I was like fantasizing because I was in the presence of all these people I used to love. Nah, it wasn’t like that at all. It was really… like a bunch of old high school buddies getting together for one last laugh before our lives rocket into intense responsibility and adulthood; families, kids, etc.

And that’s the problem with it. I had so much fun, I didn’t want it to just disappear… but it did. I’ve tried calling Nat, but someone said her phone is off until the bill gets paid. I’ve tried calling Todd multiple times, he’s never there. I just want to talk to these people and pretend I have friends again. I really just felt like I had a LIFE for three days. And then suddenly the people from my LIFE are sucked out of it. Prior to me going up there, I got to talk to Josh more than I got to talk to Daniel. Josh made time to talk to me, even though he has two jobs and school. We pretty much talked on the phone every night, or were texting. It may be a bit of a dramatization, because there were times when we didn’t talk. But because Daniel goes to bed early, and because of my work schedule, and because of WoW, at that point I really was talking to Josh more than Daniel. Not in an affair type of way, but it was really nice to have a friend, have someone to talk to about things.

I don’t have that anymore. A few days before I went to Sheffield and Warren, Josh met this girl. I think he just doesn’t want to get his hopes up about it, so he’s very non chalant about the whole thing. He calls her his ‘love interest’. Anyway, so I was talking to him on the phone the other night, and he told me that there’s now two of them. Girls fighting over him. Great :\ Girls always mean there’s no time for friends anymore. It happened with Eric, now happening with Josh. It really sucks. And I guess I’m jealous, but I don’t think I’m jealous in a romantic way. I’m jealous because I felt like we were really best friends-like. Now he only calls me if he’s worried that I’m that sad, he just wants to make me smile. Which is really nice of him and everything. But eh, maybe I’m asking too much. Or maybe I’m worried it really will turn out like Eric did.

Another thing to be anxious about is my relationship. For the past month I’ve really been worrying about how unrealistic it is, and stuff like that. I really didn’t get affection as a kid. I never have really gotten affection from my family. Never ‘I love you’, never hugs and kisses. Well, I’m sure I got those things, but I was too young to remember when I still got them. My family isn’t open about their feelings. Yes, I KNOW my family loves me. But it’s intimidating to feel like I’m not allowed to hug anyone in my family even if I wanted to. But, with that being said, I really need a physical relationship. Prior to this relationship, I’d only really gone 8 months (while in a relationship) without getting a hug or a kiss or any of that. If Daniel and I last long enough, it will be a year and 5 months. A YEAR. AND FIVE MONTHS. In between being able to touch each other. I can’t DO this shit, dude. It’s too fucking hard. Maybe it would feel easier if he could help me financially, but he can’t. He’s already giving every cent he makes to his mom for bills.  I don’t want to give up one of the greatest loves of my life… but it’s like he said in the very beginning, ‘I don’t want an e-relationship with you.’ I don’t want this e-stuff anymore. He plays WoW more than he talks to me. I understand needing ‘me’ time, and maybe I’m just a bratty, selfish person. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW.

I’m so lonely. I wish I had friends. As emo as that sounds, it’s so sincere.

#: 268

You know, lately (within the last 12 months or so), I think on average I’ve probably told people that I’ve been pretty good, pretty stable. In general, I’d probably say that I trudge along best I can. For some reason, the last 2-4 weeks have been really rough on me. Even with spring break where I basically did no school work, and I didn’t do any math for a few weeks. I’m just unhappy. I get stressed easily, overwhelmed by the accumulation of shit.

I think this is the second week in a row where I’ve had a borderline panic attack, well, actually, last week I had a full-blown panic attack. Today I’ve had 3 or 4 instances where my throat has seemed to lock up and it’s been hard to breathe, but not quite full on panic attack.

My dad just announced that he is going to 31-flavors. Time to indulge and possibly feel better. Then I’ll come back and tell you some more. Oh, also, I’m about to fuck up all the exercise I just did – yay.

Okay, back. So, anyway. I guess I’ll start from the beginning of the day. It’s been one of those things where I guess if it was one thing or another it wouldn’t be so bad, but it’s just been thing after thing that has built up all day.  First things first. MATH! YYAYYY. We all know how awesomely abusive the relationship is between Alyx and Mathematics, yeah? Wooo. Well, anyway. Last night I was finishing up homework so that I could then study for 2 tests I would take today. Now, a little tidbit about my math class. It’s online. All of the deadlines are not concrete. He has suggested target dates for test taking throughout the semester. So basically, I’m responsible for taking my tests. The first two I had to take back to back because of snow, and then the second two I had to take back to back because I’m going on a ‘vacation’ weekend to see Josh, Todd, and Tom in PA. If I wasn’t going I could’ve taken one next Friday. But part of the issue is that I depend on other people for rides, so it’s a pain to get me to campus to take the tests. So it’s probably better that I’ve taken 2 at a time, so my dad only has to take me so many times. Anyway, so I woke up at 7:30 this morning to start studying for the test, because my dad wanted to leave so that he could work. I didn’t realize he’d be rushing right at 8:30, so I didn’t get nearly as much studying done as I want to. So I was almost freaking out, then figured I could find a computer lab and study there. So while I’m in the math computer lap, I’m sitting next to these two obnoxious assholes or are watching youtube and laughing. I can hear them over my headphones. Yeah, then as I’m going further and further through I’m getting really stressed and anxious. Math generally always does this to me, especially under time constraints. It took me 7 hours to do around 30-40 math homework questions before. Yeah, that’s how I roll. Well anyway. I kept worrying because I couldn’t figure the shit out that I needed to figure out to make my practice test scores better than failing. It got to the point where I was sincerely running out of time. I spent at least 3-4 hours studying for these tests. I didn’t confident in the slightest, quite opposite. I had started tearing up multiple times as time progressed and I didn’t progress. My stress and anxiety was unbearable. I tried not to outright cry in that computer lab, but I most definitely had a few tears go. I actually had the beginnings of a panic attack, right there in public. Weee. So anyway, I go to the assessment center, and sit down and start putting formulas into my calculator. I realize I should’ve done this at home and get worried that someone’s going to judge me, after all this is cheating. Basically I make a program on the calculator that has the different formulas I need, and then I archive it (in case the people there clear my memory). This past test I never used my cheat. I wasted 10 minutes of my precious time putting the formulas in there, and then I get the test and my professor had included the formulas. I was blown. But anyway, time was a huge concern while taking the test. I had to take two tests in an hour and a half. My chest kept fluttering once I realized what kind of time I DIDN’T have for the second test, which was longer. Anyway. This fact was rubbed in by the people who work at the testing center. I was asked twice if I was sure if I wanted to take the test, since it was a 2 hour test and the assessment center closed in 45 minutes. I’m a very self conscious person when it comes to certain things. Like during the test I was worried of my professor feeling very ‘told ya so’ if he saw that I failed the test and only did it in 20 minutes, or however long I took on the second test.

Anyway, smaller stresses prior to the test was that I was trying to talk to Daniel while having my mini panic attack and he wasn’t on. It was really stressing. Not really a stress, but I guess after I took the test I couldn’t get in touch with my dad for some minutes, and I wanted to know if I had a ride, but I felt bad asking for him to come and get me, but I was stressed and my body hurt from stress, and I didn’t want to have to take the bus.

The stress and anxiety of the test, was the biggest stress that made everything else worse. So moving on. So on the way home, my dad and I stop at Burger King. Of course I have internal dialogue that fights over the fact that I shouldn’t eat that bad stuff for me, but that I’m so stressed and I just want it. I also worry everytime I waste money, because I really don’t have money. Oh yeah, another annoying thing. Gum helps me concentrate, and I really wanted some for my test, so I just figured after I studied I’d go to the book store and buy some gum. So I changed the route entirely (and wasted my time) by going to the book store, when the book store was closed. So I didn’t get gum, I had a mini panic about that because it just added onto the fact that I was gonna fail, and I had no gum to help, and I wasted precious time by going to that other building.

Moving on. I get home, and decided that I should try to force myself to exercise because it might help the stress go away. So I decide I wanna push myself and work out for an hour! After all, I did it last Friday after a huge panic attack, and the next day I felt like a million bucks. A sore million, but a million. So while I’m working out I see Schnee come out of sleepiness and his eyes were open. Lately I always see him with his eyes closed and he looks tired all the time. I smiled and got excited to see his eyes open and decided to pause my work out to feed him. Then I noticed that his eyelids are swollen, and I just got really anxious and started thinking about Cezzie. I tried to keep working out, and for a few exercises I managed to keep working out. But then I just couldn’t. The anxiety was intense. I started thinking about how I don’t know when I can get a ride to take him to the vet (again, I depend on people to take me places, and the vet is a good 30 minutes away). I was worrying that he’s condition would be really bad by the time I could take him to the vet, and I just started spiraling. In between exercises I would look in his tank to see if he’d moved or his eyes were open. After some running I just couldn’t focus anymore. I stopped and cleaned his cage out some, and misted it.

After that, I had a conversation with Daniel. It really wasn’t helpful. It actually made everything worse. Basically he was just coming up with solutions that are ‘easy’ things for him, when it’s kinda ‘impossible’ for me. It’s apparently, to him, really easy to get off work tomorrow so I can take Schnee to the vet. YEah, I’m going to be able to get an appointment such short notice. Yeah, I’m going to be able to get someone to cover all my stuff tomorrow, Yeah, np, I’ll be able to have a ride whenever I need it. Then, he goes on about how easy it is for me to get my license. Because there is one care out of the 4 cars we own that I’m able to drive, and no one ever drives it. I’m supposed to drive WITH someone. I can’t legally drive alone, and I have to drive in a parking lot first because that’s how long it’s been since I’ve driven. I guess it doesn’t even matter how the conversation went exactly. The point is, I was already on the verge of tears, I didn’t want to have to have a technical conversation about how every flaw I have is easily preventable by x, y, and z. I just wanted my fucking boyfriend, you know? It was ridiculous. He was just so insensitive in the moment. And when I pretty calmly explained that I didn’t want to talk about any of the things that made my day absolutely shitty, he (of course) goes on to say about how will that help me in life, and etcetc. I just lost it after that. Like when I straight up tell you in a calm way what you’re doing to upset me, you just respond with something in a similar tone and subject of the upsetting shit? I really lost it. I started crying hysterically, hyperventilating, etc. I told him, ‘Fine. Fine, Daniel, I’ll just talk to someone else about it.’ ‘K. See ya.’ Thanks, awesome boyfriend! Hope you’re having fun playing WoW!

Now I just feel drained. I feel like I’m dry of tears, and there’s only sadness and depression remaining in my core.

Maybe an emo nap is in order.

#: 266

I’m really sad. I’m feeling really lonely and missing my boyfriend a lot lately. I miss companionship and stuff. I miss him being around, I miss talking to him with him being a few feet away. I love giving him kisses whenever I want even if it annoys him. I miss giving him hugs even if he’s trying to duel someone. I miss my boyfriend. I won’t get to see him for a long time still. It’s been about 7 months now, maybe a bit less, or a bit more, but I probably won’t get to see him for another 8 months, maybe we can see each other in July. Maybe once we make concrete plans to see each other again I’ll miss him less. Right now it feels so depressing and heart breaking to be so in love with someone to only see them once every year and a half. It’s really depressing to not know when I’ll see my love again.

It’s really sad to crave attention from anyone who will give it to me, and physical affection from anyone who will give it to me, but in the end I just want it from him. I just want his love, and I love him so much. I miss him so much. I wish we could be together. What’s terrifying further is thinking if this relationship is worth it. Wondering if we’ll ever be able to be permanently together. To say ‘I haven’t seen my boyfriend since July, but I probably won’t see him until December’ is scary, it’s a scary realization, and it makes me wonder if we can stick it out until we can afford to live together, and what makes me more scared is that I have NO idea when we’d be able to afford that. It costs so much to live here… I hope we’ll last, I like our relationship so much.

Good night.



You don’t even realize what we’re talking about. You think it’s just the same old shit. Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. I don’t remember the last time I’ve been so pissed off at you, or if I’ve ever been this pissed at you. What’s really funny about it is that you don’t even know why. You really don’t. You always think you know what’s going down, you think because there’s been all this time that you just always know what’s down. Seriously. I prioritize my time to include you, and you just fucking throw me into the top of a cyclone so I can slam to the bottom… WHEN I HAVE OTHER SHIT TO DO. FUCK. YOU. I want to fucking punch a wall. I feel my face hot with anger. When I used to read that in books, I always figured it was just some figure of speech. No sir, that shit is real. If I looked in the mirror right now, I’m sure my cheeks would LOOK like they were hot and uncomfortable.

I’m just done with this shit. Seriously. I’m going to do the shit I should’ve done when I got home. I need to better at priorities. late on turning something in, and I come home and play WoW. Did I choose WoW over my homework? No, I chose my boyfriend over my homework. I honestly need to find a better balance. I feel like when I choose my homework, he can get upset if I get too busy. And then my homework piles up, so I have that need for spending NO time with him to catch up. It’s a vicious cycle that I wish never started. I kinda wish I didn’t start school this semester. I don’t have time to juggle school, work, and my serious relationship.

I have too much shit to deal with. I’m stressed, and can’t psychologically handle anything. But I can’t say any of that, I’m just a whiner. I’m just a baby. I guess it sucks to be spoiled. It sucks to be sheltered. It sucks to have all the material things you want your whole life. We don’t communicate because weren’t raised the same way. Things that don’t mean shit to me, mean a lot to him, and vice versa. Things can affect him like crazy that don’t phase me, and vice versa.

In good news, my dad hugged me today and apologized for being an asshole.

Good night.

#: 260

I thoroughly apologize to anyone who may check emevas like… once a month or something, and you see all these blank videos. I’m fed up with the webcam widgets for wordpress, I guess I’m better off recording it on the built-in program for my webcam, and then upload it. I am lazy and like to prevent that type of work by simply recording it to here, but history has shown that it won’t work this way.

Anyway. I’m mildly concerned for the state of my livelihood as a young, vibrant 23-year-old woman. I was just sitting here after spending a few hours on homework. And I was sitting here thinking. ‘Wow, I’m 23, I don’t go to work until 4 tomorrow… and I’m about to go to sleep at 11:30PM… I’m living an amazing life.’ It’s really concerning the lack of social life I have. I’m sure I’d ever even think about it if Kylin never introduced me to her clique of friends back when she did. I think I’d just assume it was a normal lifestyle for me. I feel so abnormal on so many levels lately it’s not even funny. Iwonder if I’ll ever be able to lead a productive, non-psychotic life.

I see on these shows about these girls saying, ‘I’m 24 and I met my husband….’ It’s really kinda concerning that I don’t think I’ll even live together with my boyfriend within the next 5 years, let alone get married to him… Not to mention moving out of my parents doesn’t seem in my near future. Financially it doesn’t look like it will happen for at least 10 years. It’s really disappointing to think that I really could see myself living in my parents house that is falling apart… when I’m 33. I can’t eat properly or lead a healthy lifestyle like I want. ugh. Everything sucks. I hope I can get through this semester without getting bored and giving up. I’d like to set a goal of getting a 3.5GPA or better.

Anyway. I love my boyfriend and miss him very much. I miss holding his hand, or waking up and opening my eyes to see that he’s there with me. I miss his desire to make me smile. I miss our mutual want to make each other happy. I just miss being together IRL. I’m glad that even after nearly two years, we’re still very much in love. We’ve been through a lot, but I still think we’re going strong and try to make it work despite the distance; a distance most people could not tolerate for even a short time.

I made 80 on WoW, with a lot of help from Dani. I also am already struggling to keep up with my school work on top of my long hours at work, and my desire to finish organizing my room the way I’ve been dreaming of for at least a year. The clutter is driving me nuts even though it’s considerably better than it used to be. Adjusting to the living space that is 10x better than what I had before is hard simply because of my barriers. When you live in a house like this you have to put up barriers to survive. If you walk around like you would in every day living, stuff would drive you nuts. Things at work on desks drive me nuts all the time. If I came home with that mentality I would lose my mind from everything. And sometimes my barriers slip and I just lose it. Certain triggers ignite these emotional outbursts that no one really understands. But you wouldn’t understand.

You wouldn’t understand because you probably haven’t been living with a hole in your wall for a long time. You don’t have a hole where a barrier between my room and the bathroom should be. You probably don’t have to hear the noises of people pissing, shitting, puking, etc, in the comfort of your own room. Well, I do. You probably don’t have to worry too much about what step you’re taking, in a simple walk from your room to the kitchen. You probably don’t have to worry about stepping in dog shit, or tripping, or twisting your ankle on something on the floor. You probably don’t have to worry about doing dishes in your bathroom. You probably don’t have to worry about looking at the innards of walls while you’re taking a shower. But I do.

I could go on and on about the things that you normal people don’t have to worry about, that I do after to worry about. These things I run into every day, that I some how have to protect myself from, so that I don’t have mental breakdowns daily.


#: 248

Soooo, when you know tomorrow is a snow day and you get to be home all day, what do you do?! Well I’ll tell you what I did, even though I felt like going to sleep the moment I woke up this morning at 8:15, I played the first tier of Guitar Hero IV on Medium. Not that I usually play on medium. But when you’re sleepy and had a long day, getting 98% is better than almost failing the songs (sometimes on Hard). It’s really quite liberating to be able to do what you want to do…

Anyway, the run down:
I took my Cezzie baby to a new vet today. I used to go to this place in Gaithersburg, which I wasn’t entirely comfortable with. But this place is good, this new place. (Even though I spent $150 :( ), It was interesting to see him handle her. The last vet (even though they were just doing a check up), they acted as though she was interesting and stuff. :s But this guy was really good, and I feel like I trust him. I felt bad for her most of the time though. He was squeezing her pretty hard. She was pissed off >: She has an infection and I noticed it from her eyes, but there’s also a problem in her mouth (he thinks it’s all related). He spent a good 2-5 minutes with moist q-tips, he was like.. gouging at her mouth. He kept showing me pus coming from her mouth. And I saw blood on the q-tips. It made me worried, but I hope she’ll get better with the medicine. I’m supposed to go back to them in 2 weeks. Eesh pets are expensive!

I didn’t get to say good night to Daniel. I was on my phone on MSN, because I was at a Ballet, and I think I was offline to him, but I was talking to Nick, so I guess I wasn’t offline to him. I guess hub just assumed I was offline cause of the ballet, and didn’t say good night :\! I hate those nights when we can’t say good night. Maybe it’s silly or foolish… but we have of our relationship, what we have, so let me alone.


sleepy alyx.

BTW, if you didn’t notice. IT’S SNOWING. No work tomorrow! :)

OvernightOvernight: Snow. Snow may be heavy at times. Additional snow accumulation of 4 to 6 inches. Lows in the mid 20s. Northeast winds 10 to 15 mph. Chance of snow near 100 percent.
SaturdaySaturday: Snow. Snow may be heavy at times. Additional snow accumulation of 8 to 12 inches. Highs around 30. North winds 15 to 20 mph with gusts up to 30 mph. Chance of snow near 100 percent.
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#: 245

Hi Emmie,

I miss ya, girlie. I just haven’t had the time to write to you in a positive way. My life is kinda a shambles right now. It’s hard to shine light on positive things. You shine light through a magnifying glass and then you have a blaze.

Well anyway, tonight’s topic is about Rangarok Online and World of Warcraft, but more importantly, about stuff going on in my head. It’s really hard for me to level in WoW now. I find that I lack motivation a lot, and I end up just forum whoring on RO-related forums. Not even cause I want to play, just because I yearn for that social interaction I get on RO. I wish I could have that in WoW too. I think I’d really love the game, if it had the social aspect that RO does. I don’t know, I just wish I understood. I feel guilty, like I’m cheating on Daniel or something, when I want to hang out with old RO buddies, and I want to forum whore, and I want to slave people (even though I don’t even want to play). When I sit down and I think about playing RO, I think it’s like… I dunno. I guess it’s not even a conscious battle. I don’t type here saying I don’t want to play, when inside I really do. I sincerely am active in noticing all the shitty things I’d have in my life if I played RO. The sleepless nights, the stress over the smallest things, the drama. I think I’ve figured it out, from typing here. I think RO is the one place I always felt like I fit in. Even when I was really popular, I’m not sure if I really felt at home with my friends. I didn’t smoke weed, and they did. And now, how do I fit in? My friends are in college and living the college life. Even if I was a good student, a good person, and could get through college, I wouldn’t be living ‘the college life’. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs. There are people who don’t do these things, too, but it’s hard to find them my age. And then there’s the next best thing, where people don’t drink much. But they still drink, so I don’t relate to them entirely. Making myself ‘cool’ with my boyfriend drinking socially was a HUGE, MONUMENTAL feat for me.

In RO I felt like I always fit in. I always had someone to talk to. I guess I hate being an attention whore sometimes, but sometimes I like it, and I could get that there. Easily. Sometimes it’s a really nice thing to be ‘known’. And in a game where millions of people play (WoW), how can I ever be known? Especially when I SUCK? I suck at WoW. I really do. Maybe I’ll be better at 80, when Daniel can yell at me when I mess up (I think I learn best this way, it’s how I learned RO). But at the same time, I don’t know how it will go. Daniel has this grand vision of all 4 of us playing together (Daniel, Daniel, Luk, and I)… the flaw in his vision is that their first language is Portuguese and mine is English. Even last night when we were all in party, I made a few sexual comments, Daniel told me to stop, and then I just had to shut up. What else can I talk about? Sexual jokes is something everyone can relate to or find funny (even if you haven’t had sex). So then they reverted back to just speaking Portuguese, and I was the odd man out. But then again, when we’re all speaking English, the other Daniel must feel the way I do, since he doesn’t speak English well enough to be part of the conversation. So really the situation just sucks, and it’s hard to have motivation to get to 80. Also, the leveling at 71 feels slower than it did at 98 on ParadiseRO (4x Rates).

I’ve lurked around different forums and found that there are a lot of old school people playing on Eternity. It makes me want to be a part of it. Notice how I didn’t say play. I don’t want to play. I want that feeling of being remembered. “Ooooh! Lyx! Suuupp! I remember you from x!” I want the feeling of belonging, of friendship, of connection, of a past. That’s one of the problems with playing games. The friends you get in games… damn they’re cool, close friends. But when you stop playing that game, your connection is severed until you play again. It’s not that while you’re in game, you’re only talking about the game. It’s just that playing the game facilitates the social interaction that I yearn for.

Maybe I want to be involved with RO just because I want something trivial to stress about, something less serious than my job, and my life sucking. I don’t know. I wish I knew what draws me away from WoW and towards the community of RO. I wish I could reverse it so I could spend time with Daniel… but in the end I guess it wouldn’t be time with Daniel, it would be time to watch Portuguese words fly by without any meaning.

Gone to sleep to late again~



I wish we could just play IRL.