Category Archives: Stress

I always have to say goodbye too soon…

He deserves much more than the short post I will write. But I’m hurting too much, and am too drained to really write a very long and heartfelt, thoughtful entry about how much I love him.

My gecko, Schnee died tonight. He has been sick for months, but I didn’t take it seriously until he was more visually sick; losing lots of weight. So really, it was too little too late. I wish money fixed everything. I really wish it did. But at the same time, I’d go into serious debt to fix things if money fixed everything. In the past week I have spent $300+ in vet bills on trying to save him, plus check ups for my other gecko. It’s money I don’t have, but when you care about something so much, you have no choice. Literally you have no choice. If it took selling possessions at the chance that he would be healthy again, I would’ve done it. I have no lost both of my original geckos (Cezzie and Schnee) before they were 5. I think Cezzie just made it to 4, and Schnee was about to turn 4 on April 16th…

I am now terrified to go to sleep, because sleep means awakening. Awakening means feeling the loss fresh and new in the morning. The morning after… is generally the worst. the drop in the stomach the anxiety… just everything. Now I get to deal with that.


Panic Attack, Commence.

I honestly don’t remember the last time I have been this overwhelmed. You know when one thing after another just completely topples you and you have no choice but to crumple and cry? And then as you crumple and cry, all those things you normally have a barrier against just pound you with a force that is unfathomable. I come home from the vet with my geckos, and I had already been crying and freaking out. Then I’m home, settled in, about to do my homework. And Griff is whining and Nessa is barking at him. I yell at them, it keeps going. I just lose it. I really just lose it. I start crying and freaking out because it dawns on me – my life fucking sucks. You ever have those moments? Where just one moment cracks your fucking shell, and everything wooshes in and tsunami’s all your hard earned self-defenses. Suddenly I look around and my surroundings wound me, when normally I have to have a shield to live in this shit hole. Seriously, everything dawns on me at once:

1) I am vulnerable and can’t go to my boyfriend because
a. He doesn’t understand me and my geckos.
b. We had a fight last night and we haven’t spoken since.
2) My boyfriend lives thousands of miles away, and I only get to see him once a year.
3) School consumes me and it continually brings me stress because I’m never on top of things.
4) My gecko whom I’ve had for almost 4 years is rapidly declining.
5) I live in squalor.

I know there are other things I could add to this list, but these are the main points of, ‘I fucking hate my life.’ I won’t kill myself or anything, I can’t imagine ever doing that, although sometimes I do with I could just disappear and not exist, which would not be similar to committing suicide, because it wouldn’t knowingly affect those around me, because I would be deleted from history. But, alas, it is not possible… so, moving on.

One thing that got me to calm down so quickly, was Nessa. She has a lot of Lottie in her. She’s not ‘my’ dog, and doesn’t cling to me like ‘my dog’ does, but as soon as I broke down, she rushed to my aid. Griff kind of did too, but he was torn between whining and hurting my ears, and helping me feel better. It’s so amazing how some dogs are just so empathetic. Lottie was very empathetic like that. Charlie isn’t, which often drives me nuts. She always wants my attention, but when I need her she’s just on my bed eating a pig’s ear while Nessa and Griff try to fix me. Now that I’ve calmed down some and I am not in a ball bawling like a school child, the too helper-dogs are sleeping, and I am left alone with my fears of Schnee dying on me. Don’t you wish money could fix everything? I wish it did. I would spend every cent and willingly go into debt if it meant he won’t die. In the past week I have spent over $300 on my geckos.

Because of my anxiety, I also am paranoid. Daniel hasn’t left me any messages, and hasn’t been online. So I don’t know if that means he just won’t come online, and just won’t talk to me… or if I’m just being paranoid.

Despite my grief-stricken, anxiety-stricken state… I have a lot of work to do for school. I think I will take a shower and then try to focus on something besides my baby dying. My vet didn’t tell me to force feed him, but I’m going to. I can’t just sit back while my baby is dying. They force fed him at the vet today. Grief brings on this mood in me where I wish I was religious and I wish I could depend on God to fix all my problems. But I can’t do that. As far as I know, God doesn’t exist. I’ve never seen him, I’ve never heard him. ‘Him’, excuse me. But I just wish wishing worked. I wish praying worked. I wish anything will say him.

My vet said, “We’ll hope.”

Please hope… or pray… or wish, or give your thoughts to my baby.

JavaScript is Adolf Hitler Reincarnate!

So, a few things. I have decided that it can’t be exciting to read a title with a number. Who fucking cares what post count I have? No one cares, and it doesn’t make my e-peen better. I assume it’ll make for a better reading experience to actually know what you’re about to read.

So, as my title implies. My new nemesis is JAVASCRIPT. :) My JavaScript is my new sources of tears, frustration, and hours of coding that gets me no where. I don’t think it would be so bad, if I was taking it with the guy who USED to teach it. But alas, I am not. :s The new guy is just that, A FUCKING NEW GUY. Let me tell you something. New professors in college are not shiney and new and exciting. They don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, and they’re illprepared. Maybe I’m generalizing too much from my ONE experience with ONE person. Yes, I am, because my professor in Geology last semester it was his first semester and he was AMAZING. So, yeah, maybe this guy is just a DOUCHE. Basically, anyone with experience with any kind of programming that I have talked to, have said it’s insane that we’re doing stuff so advanced already. It’s lunacy. I’ve already worked around… 5 hours on this thing? Maybe more. I haven’t been able to work at it ALL at once like I did on the last assignment, which took me 10 hours. Haha. :3! Speaking of, here they is, assignments 1 and 2 At least I was proud of myself after I got it done. And this only made me cry once. The second assignment has made me cry multiple times.

It’s very stupid. We have to make a search function. And actually, from having done this assignment and having done the research for it… It’s really easy to make what he wants to happen… happen. Just not the way he wants to happen. He wants us to use a recursive function. If you know nothing about programming, let me just tell you. Recursive functions are one of those things that are rarely if EVER used in programming at all. It’s like you learn it because it’s part of the curriculum, not because you will use it terribly much in your career as a programmer. A recursive function is essentially a function that calls itself. It repeatedly goes through data until it gets to the stopping point that you set.

Anyway, so I’ve tried this thing multiple times and I’ve sent my professor e-mails and he doesn’t check them every 5 seconds like all other professors… so it’s really not helpful when I’m stuck on something. Maybe I expect too much, I don’t know. But it’s pretty ridiculous. :( He mentions things we should be using AFTER I’ve already been working on it for hours. That’s like saying, “Oh, good job, you’ve turned this 10 page paper in, but I forgot to mention that it’s supposed to be a Toulmin’s Analysis.” (ie., fucking start over again, bitch)

Anyway. Going out to brunch.

#: 322

… GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

So, basically there has never been a lock on my door, and it has never closed properly. I have never minded too much. When I went to Brazil I slept through the night most of the time. And when I woke up, it was usually from needing to go to the bathroom, or bug bites… or it being too hot. But anyway. To come back home to how it is here, where I’m woken up constantly? It fucking sucks.

Anyway. I bought a ‘hatch lock’ or something, basically just a hole on one side, and a little hook on the other side, you put the hook in the hole and your door is locked. My dad had already installed one on the outside of my room. To keep the dogs out when I’m not here.  I asked him to install it for me, of course he fucking says no. Something that would take him 5 fucking minutes. I struggle with for at least a half an hour and it doesn’t work. What a dick.

Now I have to try to block my door like I did last night. Which means I have to try to move all the shit I blocked the door with, if I need to go to the bathroom. YAY.

Fuck this.

#: 319

So with the help of Mike I finally got the positioning of this damn thing the way it’s supposed to go. Looks pretty nice, but it’s nothing I envisioned or anything. The cool ideas I had were based off copyrighted content that I couldn’t put in my portfolio, so I didn’t want to. :( I also have to make my friend Daniel’s website for a wonderful company he’s starting. It’s called Eternal Roots. Whenever someone buys a shirt, a tree will be planted. Eventually he’ll have different designs printed on the shirts and you will be able to support different species of trees! I’ll definitely post it here once I get it live. <3

Wooo new layout. Emmie had been waiting. <3

#: 315

Heya. Sooo yeah, recent events have made me want to write here! So here I go :) First of all, working with/for family can sometimes be really stressful. Also it really stresses me out to know people that are so… heated? I don’t even know the word to use here. Just responding to everything in the most extreme way possible everytime. I hope I’m not one of those people, even though sometimes I know I can be. Anyway so some shit at work you know. And lately I really feel like I want to grow up and stop gossiping and talking about what happened. I should just leave it as it is and yeah.  Well, I’m still young and still have time to learn and act on these life lessons.

Anyway, moving on. I am tired and have had a long day. My alarm was going off for an hour. I finally dragged my ass out of bed at 9:30, and took forever to catch a bus, and then it was smooth while on Metro. Went to the Museum of Natural History. I hadn’t been there in years. And can I say? I fucking love that place. I wish I could go there every day for a week to actually absorb all the information that is to be experienced in that lovely building. However, my experience today wasn’t so beautiful. I didn’t have enough time, I spent most of it in the exhibit I’ll do my website on… so I didn’t get to see all the stuff I wanted to. Also, as cool as it was in the beginning to be by myself, it started dawning on me that it would’ve been cooler to have a person or people with me.  Yeah. Anyway, then I had to go to work and teach a class. Oh and I went to the book store (twice now) and they didn’t have the book I needed for school. Moving on… then I went to eat food, then was waiting around for a while to go to the movies… I get tired easily, and then cranky, and this is why I dislike late showings :( Anyway. I saw Inception

Note: I won’t bother finishing this, it was apparently a lost draft. Not sure when it was written. Oh Sept 25th apparently.

#: 311


SOOOOO I started school last week… or week before?, and it’s fabulous n_n! One shitty thing is just… really realizing how much I need my license. For instance, today, public transportation ate up 2.5 hours of my life. Transportation to and from school shouldn’t be more than an hour, hour and a half at absolute worst! Anyway. it’s good because I eat pretty good during school, and I walk hellalot. anyway. So yeah, school’s pretty good. That whole few sentences was written a while ago, I guess. I think last Thursday, even…? or maybe this past Tuesday. I’m not sure. xD!

Anyway, life is pretty crazy. Growing up is so weird sometimes. And to think, I don’t even have the bulk of responsibilities I need to be considered a real adult. Today I was at school from 8:30-3ish, then I went to work. Thing is… I wake up around 6:30. So I’m up and running from 6:30 – 8:30, walking, or working, or schooling, or whatever. Pretty tough. Oh, there’s also the public transportation which takes a lot out of me, mainly because of my backpack… and because in the morning… it’s really early, and in the evenings, it’s after a huge long day of using my brain to it’s capacity! I have a lot of homework, mostly reading. I’m hoping I can clean my room while reading… basically.. start a load of laundry, read, switch the laundry, take some trash off my desk, read, change the load again, etc.

Anyway, moving on… I’m kinda stressed about school for the long run, because I’ve always wanted to go to Maryland… but it seems that they don’t really have any programs that I want/need. Any degree I would get there would be settling for it because I wanted a piece of paper that said I graduated from Maryland. And then… basically, the program I kinda got set on, then my sister told me that you have to take Calculus to get into it! So that started making me feel pretty panicked as well. And then I looked into the OT program at Towson, and there’s a bunch of classes I need to take before I go there, which isn’t quite as bad, to be honest. The math is what scares me. Sciences don’t scare me much, unless they have a lot of math in them. Plus, the Towson stuff, I think I have a few classes under my belt to go there.

Next concern: I’m going into, or am in one of those psychological down hill situations that are caused from social problems. For instance, I was getting too ‘kushey’ with having a few friends, within the last few months. I was talking to Daniel regularly, as well as Mike, and Jonathan. I’m pleased to say that Daniel and I are playing WoW, and hence talking a lot more. And, I’m going there in December so I think we’re both kinda excited that we’ll see each other ‘soon’. And then, recently (last two weeks or so), I guess I could consider Tyler a friend. Tyler is Lizzie’s brother, and we’ve held conversation before, but prior to a week or two ago there was never consecutive attempts to communicate mutually. But then suddenly he was bored and hung out with me multiple times in the span of 2 weeks or so. Maybe 3 weeks. Anyway. So, Mike’s really busy with work, Tyler is about to move to Delaware, and the last one bugs me the most. Basically because I’m an immature female who needs to go to sleep and mind her own business. Basically, I over analyze everything, and that’s what’s happening here. Plus, I detach easly so hopefully this will end quickly. I have physical symptoms of emotional strain right now, but I’m hoping it’s because I’m tired, not because I’m attached. So I’ll whisper to make me feel better in case he reads this, because I don’t want to be confronted about it:

Sooo… on Facebook today, I read that Jonathan was engaged! At first my heart sank, and then I started thinking logically, that it must be some stupid Facebook bullshit. I didn’t really think on it much after that I guess. But as I got home, I just started thinking about it a lot for some reason. I’m not sure if I’m just jealous because as soon as there’s another girl, the friendship is not anywhere close to the same. But at the same time, I’ve wanted that all along, so it’s not fair. Can’t have it both ways. Anyway, so I just put my analytical brain on, and keep going back and forth. this is one of those reasons I hate facebook. What’s real? To me, it seems like total and utter bullshit, but that may just be a defense mechanism. I dunno, everything logically says it’s bullshit. Maybe I’ve spent less time with him in the past few weeks than I thought. But still, it’s kinda weird that he’s had time to farm the kind of relationship that ends in engagement. Maybe it’s a test. Is it a test to see how well I know him? I feel like it’s bullshit and he wouldn’t rush into such a commitment, so it must be a joke.

BUT, at the same time, the comments and everything in response… are legit, like people think they’re engaged. Even if it’s just some old friend he’s known for years… I still can’t see him just up and eloping. But maybe I’m arrogant and really don’t know the guy. Kinda disturbing actually. Maybe what’s more disturbing is I really consider this guy a best friend to me, but sometimes I feel like I could just drop him. Am I a survivor, or just a cold-hearted-bitch? I’m typing on and on about this, this is bothering me a lot I guess. He did call me lupa today… but something tells me he’d call me lupa even if he got married… mm I don’t know. The clues are confusing. I should be a detective? Maybe. I’m like shivering because I’m thinking about it so much. I guess my problem is… I can take things from me, but if they’re taken from me… it’s a completely different story. Completely. Also, I wonder if he avoided coming because of her. That’s one point the other side of the argument has. It goes like this… this weekend, Jon and I planned to hang out all weekend (pretty much), at Wendy’s (my sister) house. We did this some other weekend and it was awesome. We played Rock Band with the kids all day. Was fabulous time. I talked to him on the phone night before it was supposed to happen. He was concerned about money, but he also said he would come one way or another, when I started to say, ‘okay I guess I’ll see you next week.’.

Anyway, so I figured he was coming, and then he didn’t show up that night, and texted me saying he’d come in the morning, then he called in the morning and said they didn’t pay him. It was all really kinda sketchy and weird, like… not him. So that was Saturday, I think, and then we got him to come Sunday evening… so I’m wondering if he was avoiding because of this chick? I kinda think that’s my paranoia talking, but who knows, I kinda think and analyze every aspect of the equation. Oh, by the way, there were pictures on facebook of the ‘promise’ ring (ring pop), which if it were alone, everyone would know it were bullshit. But then there was also a picture of her finger with a ring on it. Okay, a). it could’ve just been some fun day, let’s take the facebook shit even further, b). I’m fairly certain he doesn’t have money like that. And if he does, then him ditching on the plans we had… was bullshit. Which pisses me off and makes me not trust him.

I’m done whispering. I think I’m also done typing. Before I started typing this, I was suddenly awake. Like… awake with my emotions and cold, etc. Now I just feel tired and ready for bed, but it’s still kinda early…

#: 304

Now is one of those times when you’re all I have. Which is okay because I can cry on your shoulder and then go to sleep. Everything is too much. I think I could go to school, do homework, and then be at the gym… but I just can’t stand being at the gym all day. Maybe if it was once or twice a week. Nah, dawg. It’s all week long, and multiple weeks in a row. I’m just so done. It’s one thing for Corey or my mom to be working these kind of hours… they’re owners, they’ll ‘eventually’ have a shit load of money from the company. Michelle will dish out, and does dish out, more to them. Paying me more is an unnecessary expense to the company. And I’m not supposed to complain. If I complain I’m a brat, I’m worthless, I don’t care about the family, etcetc.

To add to it, I have 3 and 4 year olds all morning. It wouldn’t be all that bad, if half of them weren’t brats. This one cries and cries in the beginning of camp, her mom comes into the gym EVERY. FUCKING. MORNING. Parents aren’t allowed in the gym unless they’re there for a parent participation class. There is no parent participation for camp. Get. The. Fuck. Out. The whole crying and ‘mommy mommy, I want mommy’ bullshit pisses me off. I’m bigger than you kid, I know you’re playing your mom for everything she’s worth, and you get away with it. I fucking HATE that. UGH. Anyway. It also frustrates me that there are some talented kids in my group, which is usually hard to come by for a group of 3 and 4 year olds. Generally they’re brain dead midgets that are running around over stimulated by all the gym has to offer. Nah, these kids could be good if they weren’t fucking brats. That girl that cries every morning? If I didn’t hate her mother, and how bratty she is and gets away with everything… she could go somewhere in gymnastics. But she won’t because of her mom. I won’t even bother pursuing her because of her mom.

Anyway. So not only do I have camp from 8:30 – 1, I then get dragged back into the gym here and there because I’m everyone’s puppet and have no choice, otherwise I’m always the scape goat for bad employee. But then I teach a class at 4:00. So I teach from 4:00- 5:00, and then I coach from 5:30-8:30. It’s so much. Actually interacting with children takes so much out of you. For that amount of time, it’s insane. Maybe I shouldn’t be a mom. I don’t have it in me, man. I just don’t. I actually pretty much pulled my shit together toward the end of the day. Didn’t feel so grumpy when I got home.

But then of course, I got in pissing matches with two people back to back, and now I just feel that chokey-feeling at the back of my throat right before a panic attack. Funny, I think I’m too tired to even have a panic attack. That chokey feeling has been there for at least 10 minutes, and no panic attack has come. I think I’m that tired, it’s so amazing. Have you ever been so tired you can’t have a panic attack even though it feels like your body needs to have one? I apparently have been that tired before! Yeah. I’m selfish, other people are selfish. The world keeps going. Woot woot. I had a nice evening of Dragon Ball Z and The Guild planned for tonight. The people I was gonna watch with don’t like my long days either, so we’re not doing those things anymore :)!

Big sigh. I just want to cry myself to sleep. I’m so emo. If only I could get my hair as straight as emo kids do. Then I’d be on a ball. Oh yeah… so my little free time is one of the things that stresses me out. There is not enough time for me to get the things done I want to get done in the amount of time allotted. I’m supposed to go to my niece and nephew’s. I’m supposed to see my friend Jon. And then I just want to sit. I just want to sit and bring in all the nothingness that is so lovely from being away from work. I wish I had two days off so I could have one for other people and one for me. Will I even have the energy to go crabbing this weekend if weather/car permits? That’s a sad thought right there. Do I have enough energy to go crabbing? I can’t believe I even have to ask such a question. What is life coming to?

*sigh* All 3 of my favorite people I barely got to talk to today. It stresses me so fucking much. I guess I chased 2 of them away, and then the other one I can’t really talk to because I’m at work all day and can’t talk to him more than 5 minutes. gotta love time zones. I wish I had more people I liked to talk to.

Emmie, help me feel better?

#: 292

Hey again,
I’m about to be a bitchy ranter. There’s your disclaimer.

I definitely hate how anytime I try to play something, it just kind of falls to pieces. I feel like it definitely happens every time I try to plan something. It pisses me off so much. for instance, last time there was a holiday I tried to get the whole family to go crabbing. No one ended up going. I was LIVID. My bad for trying to get the fucking family together? It always used to happen with my clique of friends, when I had one. I would plan stuff to go down, and people just ended up dropping out. It happened at my birthday party too. It’s like ‘Why the fuck do I bother?’

But anyway, on to the most recent example. 2-3 weeks ago I got excited because memorial day was coming up. I thought it was a GREAT opportunity to get the family together. I also figured it was an awesome opportunity to be outside having fun, having a social life. Also, my mom and sister have a leotard business. A big hit is tye-dyed leotards. We haven’t made them in a long while. So I figured we could get some of those made! It’s always fun to do tye-dying. So this is kind of a multiple-step disappointment. The first one I saw within the first week or two, but it’s hit fully now. I had been asking and asking between my mom and sister if they would have leotards ready. Wendy kept saying ‘I’ve asked mom’ etc. So I found a bag of leotards for dying last night… there’s only a handful. I was expecting to make hundreds. So yeah. Disappointment a. Okay, now it gets better. I invited my friend Josh down for the fun, figuring we could have fun outside like we did when I went to visit. We played frisbee and it was awesome. So yeah, I had high hopes of frisbee, etc. And we just kept going back and forth and the plans for the weekend got more and more extravagant. So we had decided that we would go to Six Flags on Saturday, and then we’d go to this party at my sister’s house on Sunday. It was gonna be an AWESOME weekend. So anyway, day before yesterday or so we start finalizing things. At some point he was like, ‘dude maybe I’ll even go up and get Todd then come down’. So yeah, we had this awesome weekend planned out. And I have spent a lot of money lately, so I kind of didn’t want to spend the ticket money at 6-flags. So, Josh was kinda like, ‘It’s a lot of driving so we’ll see how I feel after driving from Warren if I’ll come down Saturday morning’. We had discussed possibly going crabbing. I was hoping to do something on Saturday. I took off work for it and all, lol. But yeah, I texted Josh around 9:30, expecting that he left at least. Nupe. Texted around 11:30, still haven’t left. Now around 12:00 he asks if I mind if his gf comes.

I mean I don’t care. I have no jealous about either of them, I have no reason or desire to be jealous. However I am irritated because I just hate what girlfriend do to boys. I really do. She’s going to make him act like a fool. I think he asked with the intent of thinking for some reason I have reason to be jealous or uncomfortable about it. I find it funny, but he’s arrogant that way. Anyhoo. My issues with it are these: Firstly, I already felt mildly weird about invite Josh and Todd to this family outing thing. I mean I invited Lizzie too, but she’s practically family. But yeah, then asking the day before, ‘Oh by the way, sister, do you mind if my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend comes along too? Yeah, I don’t know her either, but Josh is pretty intent on her going.’ The reason beyond inviting someone I’ve never met to a family thing, is that we’re also having a ‘slumber party’ at my sister’s house. So yeah, at this point we’re going to do nothing on this fabulous Saturday that I took off, even though I’ve missed 3 Saturdays already. I wish I didn’t take off work for it. Or rather, I wish Josh would’ve fucking told me that he wasn’t coming, maybe last night would’ve been a nice time to discretely say, ‘I’m not going to be down until Saturday night.’

But yeah. The other issue is just I don’t think she’ll fit in. I just have that gut feeling. I don’t know her at all, so I’m completely judging her. But the thing that Josh, Todd, and I have is ages old. We have history. And she is a fall back girlfriend. As mean as it is, she’s a tiny pinprick on the timeline that is our friendships. I give it mmm… 3 months? Maybe that’s generous. But he’s ‘happy’. We’ll see how long it lasts. He’s fucking his last ‘love interest’s best friend. That never goes well. Plus, he waited a WEEK in between relationships. Really? He can sit there and tell me to wait 3 months, but he’s above his own rules. So yeah. I’m not jealous, I’m just a stuck up bitch who hates females because they’re annoying, and they generally make males act annoying too.

So much for a nice weekend!

P.S. I found a breeder in Northern Virginia (which in general is considerably closer than the previous breeders I had found).

#: 290

It’s a very humbling experience to experience death first hand. I don’t mean finding something already dead. Of course, that is a humbling experience too. But having something that was alive, breathing, die while you’re sitting there witnessing it? Maybe I’m just dramatic, but it mentally seems to be a life changing event. It makes you feel less… angry at trivial things. My baby leopard gecko died in my hands today. I cradled her in my hands and watched her final twitches. I don’t want to think about it too much, because when I think of it that way it’s kind of a scary thing to think about. It’s something you think would only happen in a movie – never to you. But I guess it kind of already has happened to me. And maybe it traumatized me for life and it’s one of the reasons why death scares me to nearly an irrational point. When I was in 3rd or 4th grade my dog, Lottie killed my other dog, Muddie. She was torn up very badly and laying in shock on this pull-out mattress thing that was part of my bunk bed. I think I absolutely lost my mind, and it was my first, biggest episode with death in my life. I don’t remember that I actually watched her take her last breaths, but I remember my dad saying she was in shock.

Anyway. I’m very sure I saw my baby take her last breaths today. I don’t know how death works, but there were a few head things she did. She was so motionless in my hands. I had been trying to feed her this slurry stuff. It’s got pedialyte, and ensure, and mealworms, it’s like a protein shake for geckos who can’t eat. Or something. She had been moving sometimes when I was giving her it, like she’d get annoyed that I was trying to give it to her. And suddenly she stopped moving. I took her to the bathroom to give her a warm soak. She wouldn’t hold her head up. Previously when I gave her soaks, she would hold her head up. I started getting worried at that point. Sometimes she’d be so sleepy that I could touch her a few times and she wouldn’t respond. But it was different this time. She was so limp, and really not doing anything.I then really thought she was dead. When I kept moving her legs and they were just lifeless and non responsive. I started crying and talking to her and apologizing. In my head I was talking to ‘God’. But not really. I just wanted her to be okay. I had her in my hands and started thinking that my gecko was dying in my hands, and death scared me, and death was gross. But at the same time I was just torn with grief that this little thing that I’ve loved so much for 2 weeks… this little thing that has been my world, is not going to be my world anymore.  My grief definitely won the battle. I was rocking back in forth wishing she was the type of pet you could just snuggle. Even though I knew she was dead, an icky dead corpse, I wanted to snuggle my baby and tell her I loved her and tell her it would be okay now, and tell her I’m sorry because she never had a name, and tell her I’m sorry because I didn’t save her. I held her and was hunched over and rocking a bit. I then looked close and saw her breathing.  I got excited, and I guess that was the point where I really thought of ‘think-talking’ to ‘God’. And I kept chanting, ‘Please please please’, but of course she was really dying here. Her limps were lifeless. I would touch her and she would not respond at all. Then over the course of 5 minutes or so, she probably jerked her head faintly maybe.. 3-4 times in intervals. I assume that was an electrical response or something. Just her systems shutting down, using extra energy. After a few of those jerks I really stopped thinking it was her getting any ‘better’. Maybe the first one I thought she was fighting to stay alive. After that I just figured she was dying slowly… in my hands. I decided to put her back in her tank so she could rest peacefully. I stood there for a minute thinking about it first I think. Bawling my fucking eyes out, with my tiny gecko in my hands. I put her down on the paper towel, and of course I can’t lay her flat if she’s laying flat in my hand. I put her down and she was kinda tilted on her side… and she just kinda.. didn’t fix herself. It made me cry more and really just… made it a deafening roar that I could no longer escape. I put her hide over her even though she had to be gone. I think I said I love you and I’m sorry. I think my dad walked in the house not even 5 minutes after that.

As I was changing into work clothes in the bathroom I heard my dad taking off the top of the tank on her cage and moving stuff in there. By the time I was out, he was too, and it looked as if she wasn’t touched. I then told him my experience that I just listed here, and he said, ‘Well when I just went in there and held her… I don’t think she’s with us.’ I really kept my composure well. A few minutes after that, he said, ‘If she’s stiff before you get home, she won’t be there anymore.’ my response was, ‘Okay, please ut her with everyone else (wilbird and Cezzie in the front yard). ‘

My coworker, Brandon, who’s what I’d consider an acquaintance I guess, but could be a friend. He’s definitely a friend when we’re at work, but we’ve never hung out outside of work, but if we did I would consider him a friend. He came into my office when I was crying, I wiped my face and knew I couldn’t play actress, no way in hell. SO I just told him. He made it much easier for me to work. He hugged me multiple times and apologized and we talked for a good 10 minutes or so. It was really helpful, along with teaching kids I actually like. I didn’t necessarily care like I normally would… it was hard to stay positive and focused rather than lazy and looking at my watch every 30 seconds. But the cupcakes were a nice touch..

Driving up the hill on Plyers Mill Rd was hard. It was full of anxiety. I knew it was going to be devestating to not come home to that baby anymore. To come home and not have that need to help her… that want to have her in my life for a long time. What do you do? It’s life altering. I attach easily, and suck things into my life. If they’re taken away… how do you adjust? I don’t know. But as soon as we pulled into outside of our house and I walked up the steps, it got worse. I saw the fresh dirt and I teared up. I blew her a kiss and said I love you. I can’t wait until the pain subsides and it’s just normal to see her in the ground in the front yard instead of seeing her every morning in my room. God, I miss her so much.

Experiencing death that way is life changing. Experiencing sickness, experiencing just… a race against time. Trying to run from death, changes you. I tried to sprint with that baby, I tried sprinting from death with her in my hands. But I guess I don’t run very fast.

I love you, baby. Rest in peace, okay? I hope you’re not hurting anymore. I’m sorry I couldn’t take the pain away. I’m sorry you couldn’t eat so much like I know you wanted to. I would’ve fed you anything you wanted. I fucking hate crickets.

But I fucking love you.

Good night, sleepyhead.

P.S. The PC has windows on it now. But I could give a shit less.