I miss ya, girlie. I just haven’t had the time to write to you in a positive way. My life is kinda a shambles right now. It’s hard to shine light on positive things. You shine light through a magnifying glass and then you have a blaze.
Well anyway, tonight’s topic is about Rangarok Online and World of Warcraft, but more importantly, about stuff going on in my head. It’s really hard for me to level in WoW now. I find that I lack motivation a lot, and I end up just forum whoring on RO-related forums. Not even cause I want to play, just because I yearn for that social interaction I get on RO. I wish I could have that in WoW too. I think I’d really love the game, if it had the social aspect that RO does. I don’t know, I just wish I understood. I feel guilty, like I’m cheating on Daniel or something, when I want to hang out with old RO buddies, and I want to forum whore, and I want to slave people (even though I don’t even want to play). When I sit down and I think about playing RO, I think it’s like… I dunno. I guess it’s not even a conscious battle. I don’t type here saying I don’t want to play, when inside I really do. I sincerely am active in noticing all the shitty things I’d have in my life if I played RO. The sleepless nights, the stress over the smallest things, the drama. I think I’ve figured it out, from typing here. I think RO is the one place I always felt like I fit in. Even when I was really popular, I’m not sure if I really felt at home with my friends. I didn’t smoke weed, and they did. And now, how do I fit in? My friends are in college and living the college life. Even if I was a good student, a good person, and could get through college, I wouldn’t be living ‘the college life’. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs. There are people who don’t do these things, too, but it’s hard to find them my age. And then there’s the next best thing, where people don’t drink much. But they still drink, so I don’t relate to them entirely. Making myself ‘cool’ with my boyfriend drinking socially was a HUGE, MONUMENTAL feat for me.
In RO I felt like I always fit in. I always had someone to talk to. I guess I hate being an attention whore sometimes, but sometimes I like it, and I could get that there. Easily. Sometimes it’s a really nice thing to be ‘known’. And in a game where millions of people play (WoW), how can I ever be known? Especially when I SUCK? I suck at WoW. I really do. Maybe I’ll be better at 80, when Daniel can yell at me when I mess up (I think I learn best this way, it’s how I learned RO). But at the same time, I don’t know how it will go. Daniel has this grand vision of all 4 of us playing together (Daniel, Daniel, Luk, and I)… the flaw in his vision is that their first language is Portuguese and mine is English. Even last night when we were all in party, I made a few sexual comments, Daniel told me to stop, and then I just had to shut up. What else can I talk about? Sexual jokes is something everyone can relate to or find funny (even if you haven’t had sex). So then they reverted back to just speaking Portuguese, and I was the odd man out. But then again, when we’re all speaking English, the other Daniel must feel the way I do, since he doesn’t speak English well enough to be part of the conversation. So really the situation just sucks, and it’s hard to have motivation to get to 80. Also, the leveling at 71 feels slower than it did at 98 on ParadiseRO (4x Rates).
I’ve lurked around different forums and found that there are a lot of old school people playing on Eternity. It makes me want to be a part of it. Notice how I didn’t say play. I don’t want to play. I want that feeling of being remembered. “Ooooh! Lyx! Suuupp! I remember you from x!” I want the feeling of belonging, of friendship, of connection, of a past. That’s one of the problems with playing games. The friends you get in games… damn they’re cool, close friends. But when you stop playing that game, your connection is severed until you play again. It’s not that while you’re in game, you’re only talking about the game. It’s just that playing the game facilitates the social interaction that I yearn for.
Maybe I want to be involved with RO just because I want something trivial to stress about, something less serious than my job, and my life sucking. I don’t know. I wish I knew what draws me away from WoW and towards the community of RO. I wish I could reverse it so I could spend time with Daniel… but in the end I guess it wouldn’t be time with Daniel, it would be time to watch Portuguese words fly by without any meaning.
Gone to sleep to late again~
I wish we could just play IRL.