You know when you’re a child.. and as you grow, you generally meet kids on the play ground, or in school, day care, take your pick. As you grow as a child your parents and your peers basically show you what is good and bad behavior, what are good and bad things to say to the people around you, to the pets, to anything. In response to something. ANYTHING. Anything you say is molded by your parents, and your peers. When you say something that is not nice, and you don’t realize it, you gradually eithe learn, or are ignorant to human nature. When I was a kid, I was always the center of attention.
I was popular because I strived to be different to get that attention. In 8th grade my middle school sweet heart (gasp, 5-6 month relation, huge deal in middle school) broke my heart.
I seriously believe it fucked up my emotional development. From that point on I became paranoid, I had no idea how to act around people I had been ecentric around for 3 or more years. It’s like I forgot my ability to interact with other people my age. Shortly after I turned to my computer and made my friends there. I tried to be an outcast, but everyone always remembered me, and tried to talk to me all through high school. Throughout this whole time, from the traumatic experiece of a first love breaking my heart, to current day, I learned human behavior. Except for about 5% of oddities, I can generrally predict human reactions to most situations. I’ve had multiple people tell me “You’re always right”, “You’re right 98% of the time”, “You’re ight 97% of the time”. For a long time, I sincerely thought I was always right, until reality kicked me in the face. No, I’m not always right. Humans are most generally predictable animals that repeat themselves in similar situations, similar stresses, stimuli, what-have-you. However, there are
few that will surprise you, and those are the cases where I’m wrong.
Human beings are judgemental. That is fact. Maybe even if it’s not in your concious thought, you judge people. You may stereotype sometimes, you will judge people, that’s how humans work. I believe it’s a defense mechanism to prepare for meeting someone new, or maybe preparing for something where one could be negatively effected my the situation. For instance, consider that for most people who get educated, they learn about different catastrophic events that have happened through out human history; Slavery, Nazi Germany, School shootings. Any of these events will generally impact you, and stay in your head. You’ll filter the information, and end up using it to possibly protect yourself? For any history, or current news, for anything that you may learn about that is of significance, you’ll use that for the future. You might pity, or fear a minority, for different reasons. You could fear them for any crimes that you see highlighted on the news. You could pity them because of starving third world countries, or war. Either way, you judge, in a good, or bad way.
Now think back to when you were that kid. You made fun of a red-head boy with glasses and knobby knees. You see the change on his face, you see the reaction from your peers, you learn from that experience. After many of these experiences, you’ll probably find you get attention from doing things like this. You’ll eventually make your own decision to whether it’s a positive or negative thing to make fun of people. You gradually grow, and keep taking your own course of action, you’ll learn from it, you’ll hurt from it, whatever. Now some of your learning may make you feel like your assuming, but if you pay attention enough to those around you, won’t you really know in your heart what’s going on around you?. That’s a yes for me. Like I said above, people tell me I’m right all the time. I have a firm grasp on empathy, and human nature. I know when I’m being judged. I feel it. It’s hard not to judge. You can love someone unconditionally, and still judge them. The person you love can tell you something that you don’t agree with. Your loved one could have habits that drive you nuts, and you’ll react in a way that they’ll either come to respect, and ignore. Or, you’ll react in a way where they know you’re hiding something. They know your reaction is judgemental, and there’s deeper explanation. Yeah. That’s me. I know when I’m being judged.
This is the reason why I hold onto Chris for dear life. For someone like me who overanalyzes everything? A perfectionist, with always something to worry about? I can’t think of anytime where I’ve really felt self concious around Chris. And if I ever was, it wasn’t a consistant thing. Like I can’t sit here and feel uncomfortable about anything while thinking about him and I. Sex? Yeah, but that has nothing to do with him or his judgement. That has to do with me and my complete fear of any of the consequences dealing with sex. You have sex, you have the chance at having a kid, great. You have sex, it’s apparently a big deal the first time. You have sex, you want it constantly after that, which would suck since he lives hundreds of miles away. But, anyway. Being able to sit here, and sincerely feel like there’s nothing I could say where he’d judge me where I’d feel embarassed. Nothing. I can joke how I want. I can not take a shower for 2 days, and he won’t make me feel like a criminal fo it. That’s something special. Maybe people think it’s ridiculous. But that’s something really special, and that’s why I don’t want to let go of him.
On an off note, I feel like a fucking genius when I come to revalations like this. Rarely do my thoughts connect well, so maybe it did here, woot. And I’m out! Too much writing for now, haha. <3