Category Archives: Blogging

#: 006

You know when you’re a child.. and as you grow, you generally meet kids on the play ground, or in school, day care, take your pick. As you grow as a child your parents and your peers basically show you what is good and bad behavior, what are good and bad things to say to the people around you, to the pets, to anything. In response to something. ANYTHING. Anything you say is molded by your parents, and your peers. When you say something that is not nice, and you don’t realize it, you gradually eithe learn, or are ignorant to human nature. When I was a kid, I was always the center of attention.
I was popular because I strived to be different to get that attention. In 8th grade my middle school sweet heart (gasp, 5-6 month relation, huge deal in middle school) broke my heart.

I seriously believe it fucked up my emotional development. From that point on I became paranoid, I had no idea how to act around people I had been ecentric around for 3 or more years. It’s like I forgot my ability to interact with other people my age. Shortly after I turned to my computer and made my friends there. I tried to be an outcast, but everyone always remembered me, and tried to talk to me all through high school. Throughout this whole time, from the traumatic experiece of a first love breaking my heart, to current day, I learned human behavior. Except for about 5% of oddities, I can generrally predict human reactions to most situations. I’ve had multiple people tell me “You’re always right”, “You’re right 98% of the time”, “You’re ight 97% of the time”. For a long time, I sincerely thought I was always right, until reality kicked me in the face. No, I’m not always right. Humans are most generally predictable animals that repeat themselves in similar situations, similar stresses, stimuli, what-have-you. However, there are
few that will surprise you, and those are the cases where I’m wrong.

Human beings are judgemental. That is fact. Maybe even if it’s not in your concious thought, you judge people. You may stereotype sometimes, you will judge people, that’s how humans work. I believe it’s a defense mechanism to prepare for meeting someone new, or maybe preparing for something where one could be negatively effected my the situation. For instance, consider that for most people who get educated, they learn about different catastrophic events that have happened through out human history; Slavery, Nazi Germany, School shootings. Any of these events will generally impact you, and stay in your head. You’ll filter the information, and end up using it to possibly protect yourself? For any history, or current news, for anything that you may learn about that is of significance, you’ll use that for the future. You might pity, or fear a minority, for different reasons. You could fear them for any crimes that you see highlighted on the news. You could pity them because of starving third world countries, or war. Either way, you judge, in a good, or bad way.

Now think back to when you were that kid. You made fun of a red-head boy with glasses and knobby knees. You see the change on his face, you see the reaction from your peers, you learn from that experience. After many of these experiences, you’ll probably find you get attention from doing things like this. You’ll eventually make your own decision to whether it’s a positive or negative thing to make fun of people. You gradually grow, and keep taking your own course of action, you’ll learn from it, you’ll hurt from it, whatever. Now some of your learning may make you feel like your assuming, but if you pay attention enough to those around you, won’t you really know in your heart what’s going on around you?. That’s a yes for me. Like I said above, people tell me I’m right all the time. I have a firm grasp on empathy, and human nature. I know when I’m being judged. I feel it. It’s hard not to judge. You can love someone unconditionally, and still judge them. The person you love can tell you something that you don’t agree with. Your loved one could have habits that drive you nuts, and you’ll react in a way that they’ll either come to respect, and ignore. Or, you’ll react in a way where they know you’re hiding something. They know your reaction is judgemental, and there’s deeper explanation. Yeah. That’s me. I know when I’m being judged.

This is the reason why I hold onto Chris for dear life. For someone like me who overanalyzes everything? A perfectionist, with always something to worry about? I can’t think of anytime where I’ve really felt self concious around Chris. And if I ever was, it wasn’t a consistant thing. Like I can’t sit here and feel uncomfortable about anything while thinking about him and I. Sex? Yeah, but that has nothing to do with him or his judgement. That has to do with me and my complete fear of any of the consequences dealing with sex. You have sex, you have the chance at having a kid, great. You have sex, it’s apparently a big deal the first time. You have sex, you want it constantly after that, which would suck since he lives hundreds of miles away. But, anyway. Being able to sit here, and sincerely feel like there’s nothing I could say where he’d judge me where I’d feel embarassed. Nothing. I can joke how I want. I can not take a shower for 2 days, and he won’t make me feel like a criminal fo it. That’s something special. Maybe people think it’s ridiculous. But that’s something really special, and that’s why I don’t want to let go of him.

On an off note, I feel like a fucking genius when I come to revalations like this. Rarely do my thoughts connect well, so maybe it did here, woot. :) And I’m out! Too much writing for now, haha. <3

#: 003

Almost a year later, and I post in this thing again. I made a new layout, and I haven’t finished actually updating the content on the right. Ah, well, maybe I’ll get to it, maybe I won’t. I’ve been doing lots of design stuff lately. I’m taking an online class which is a photography/photoshop kinda class it’s pretty much a cake walk, but I do learn some things I didn’t know before, kinda cool. ^^; I added a comment feature, even though no one looks at this thing, with good reason, I never keep it updated.

I don’t get fanlistings, really, or blogs in general, but it’s an interesting community. I like looking at peoples’ layouts and stuff, it’s a new idea to me,
even though I’ve been living on the interwebs for years, lol. My inspiration for blogging, or domaining is Yvonne, I love to read about her, as creepy as that sounds, lol. I like the graphics she makes, aswell. Amanda, Teracia, and Chelsea are the main inspiration, and my teachers from webdesign or graphics over the many years that I’ve been interested in anything with design, really. I’ve been through a lot in the past year that I haven’t done anything with this thing. The world of Ragnarok Online has torn my life apart, so to speak. I made the horrible
decision to run my own private server.

I don’t want to say it was a waste of my time and money, but it was pretty damn close, lol. I originally put music on here, that goes with the System of a Down lyrics that are all over the graphics, but more than one person had … I don’t want to say negative, but it wasn’t positive thoughts on having the music. So I took it off, in case visitors lag from it. Another change I may be going through is this ‘content’ graphic I have. When I put everything together, I really just didn’t like how disjointed the top image looked with the bottom one that the ‘entries’ are on. So, that may change when I get around to it. Well, anyway. This layout is meant to be a clensing from RO, and stuff. I’m going through weird things that I don’t remember the last time anything like this happened. I’m just kinda losing interest in relationships. In Chris. I think it’s too complicated to really.. right here.. but, yeah..

I’m also really not at liberty to but our business out there. On LJ, I used to just.. complain and bitch about Chris, and how is that fair to him? It’s human nature to defend yourself, so anything I say about us, will make it seem like he’s an aweful person, when I don’t believe that’s so. Even though I’m losing interest, I know I love him, I know I do, and I do think some of the things I say and do towards him, at this point, is out of obligation or maybe habit, but I know I do love him. Well, anyway. I can’t think of what else to write, and I dunno when I’ll have time to tidy this up, because I’ve been working a lot lately.. and I hauled ass to get this up as it is, lol. Anyway, enjoy, to anyone who actually looks at this.

#: 001

I’m super excited. After I wrote the previous entry I had a bit more luck. And today I had even more luck!I worked a bit on the other site, the one I’ll be selling photos on. I’m actually.. done with it, come to think of it. XD! All I have to do now is post the images on the Photo Gallery from 4images. That thing is so cool, btw. I credit Wingheart with the fabulous find. I love it, and it will make selling my photographs.. a much easier task, by far. Anyway, I finished the site, now I have to work on this one.. I need to level my chars on RO though. /wah(RO emote). Anyway, here it is if you want to check it out. Silvah Stahzz Enjoy!


#: 000

Well then, I bought the domain, I’ve gotten most of the layout up, I just have to finish each page. Usually the hardest part for me is coding the stuff to make it right. That actually hasn’t been too bad. What I’m currently working on is a nifty feature I saw at <a href=””></a>. It’s really cool, it’s a photo album which visitors can interact with and stuff. It’s been a pain so far to install.. simply because it’s in.. DUTCH! @@; I don’t know dutch, fosrsly. There’s a way to change it to English, but it’s not working for me. :! Oh well.. Anyway, that’s this for right now, enjoy! Edit: I got it working! Bwhaha. It’s in English now, I just need to change the template of it, and put pictures on it, bwhahah. :)!