What You’ve Missed

Dear Emmie,
You have missed a lot and I am sorry for that. I guess it could be a good thing. A young girl often needs a diary because she is not comfortable telling her deepest secrets to someone else. Maybe it means I’ve been okay with the support system I’ve had? I don’t know. I sort of stopped my Emmie correspondence around the time Eric, Brandon, and Jimmy moved here. My boyfriend, my best friend, and another friend that ended up moving a few months into the new arrangement. The rest of us still live together although we live not in a town house but in a house my brother owns. His decision to buy this house rested solely on the agreement that me, Eric, and Brandon would live here. Then we brought on two of my other friends, Patrick and Nick.

It’s all been pretty great except that I’ve accrued a lot of debt from the whole adventure. At least I don’t cry about it every single night like I used to. At some point you just accept that it’s just too difficult to change and it will be a long time until your life resembles anything you dreamed of as a child. It’s one of those life lessons that no one can tell you and that you only learn from the heartache and struggle of going through obstacles yourself. It’s hard to tell someone, “Look, I’ve been there, you need to lower your expectations of your dreams and life in general.” More than that, how can you tell someone to try to adapt? To try to accept that things can be different and still be perfectly awesome? You can’t. They’ll either realize that or won’t.

Anyway, it’s really great to live in a house full of people whom love you. Not that my parents didn’t love me… But it’s different here. I have lots of psychological issues and I can have a break down at any moment. It’s pretty impressive to know everyone I live with would do anything to help me if they could. It’s not just the love though… We all mesh really well together. We all have the same interests, we do stuff together regularly. When you’ve lived you’re entire teenage years and most of your adult years on the internet it is remarkable to suddenly have friends. It sounds really sad but it’s completely different to have people you can hang out with all the time that don’t ditch.

Anyway, so the more recent crazy thing that happened to me is medical issues. Since December I’ve been sick off and on. More specifically in February colds turned into a diagnosis of a sinus infection. Then two more. Then my ENT said if it happened again I would need to get a CT scan. Got the CT scan, was told to go to a neurologist (keep in mind every one of these times going to the doctor is not just a copay, but a bill sent to me later). Neurologist put me on a medication called Gabapentin which is a nerve pain reliever and a week’s worth of steroids. For the first time in weeks I was pain free. Sadly the steroids were tapered and it started coming back. I was devastated. My mental state was deteriorating. I had suicidal thoughts regularly because it was so hard to be in pain no matter how much medication I took. I was diagnosed with cluster headaches.

I wasn’t supposed to go back until a later date. The pain was the same even on the Gabapentin. Of course during all of this Eric and I are both reading about stuff and trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and all about the medicine, and all that. I read from forums of other peoples’ experience that Gabapentin can take up to months to work all the way. So I have a job and stuff, so I don’t have time to be debilitated for a month more than I already had been. Long story short, lots of doctor visits, 5 weeks of continuous pain, CT scan, MRI scan, Eric dealing with me, etc later I have a ‘headache disorder’ called Hemicrania Continua. I hate that it’s called a headache disorder because I’ve had plenty of headaches in my life and nerve pain feels NOTHING like a headache. It’s a rare disorder that only rarely goes into remission and required medication for the rest of the sufferer’s life.

Anyway I am sick of writing and will write more tomorrow.



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