School, boys, etc.

Hey Emmie,
Last few nights I’ve found myself laying in bed wishing I had someone to confide in, but looking through my phone I couldn’t find anyone that wouldn’t have bias… or just I knew what they would say in response. I knew what their advice would be, and I don’t want to hear it and it wouldn’t be helpful at all. So I’m going to pretend that writing here will help even though you won’t respond at all. I’m going to pretend that ‘getting it out’ helps this problem.

Before I start on my issues and my current life, I’m sorry that your layout is so gross. I actually hate it, but I also no longer have confidence in my ability to design decent websites. Which sucks because I am wrangled into making a website for my vet (if he ever gets me the information, etc.) Hopefully I can get into that mindset when the time comes. And maybe when that mindset comes I will try to make you look nice and pretty as you should. :) Moving on…

There is this boy that has been in my life for many years. I’m going to change the story a bit just for the purpose of anonymity for him, in case he doesn’t want his part in my life all over the internet. I’m going to call him… Sexy. We’ll go with that. (He is sexy, after all!) I have known Sexy for at least 5 years now. For the last few years while I was with Daniel I always had him in the back of my head. Regardless of whatever history or lack there of we have, I always had him in my head and always kinda wanted that chance with him that never came to full fruition. I don’t think I ever full out wanted to leave Daniel for him, but I always passive aggressively thought to myself, “I would love a chance with Sexy” Sexy and I haven’t had too much time in the last few years, so we haven’t consistently talked, but of course anytime we had time we were quite inseparable. It’s hard to tell this story without specifics because then everyone who has ever read my blog or has ever been a part of my life for any period of time will know exactly who I’m talking about. Regardless, for the last 2-3 weeks I’ve really been thinking on it. I kinda have this opportunity to try to be with Sexy, but I’m very scared about it. I’m scared about the distance and the history and all this other stuff. Maybe I’m also just starting to hide in my shell. People want me to hang out all the time, and because I’m so busy with school and work I always want to sit at home and game. Not having a boyfriend helps this lifestyle of sitting at home and gaming. It’s sad that I prefer that right now. But if I let myself fall for people, I might fuck up in school. Love, boys are distracting to me having a successful life on my own without a boy being involved. Don’t get me wrong, I want a man in my life… but I want to be able to support myself. I don’t want to be totally dependent.

Anyway, I’m definitely going on a tangent here. I’ve always wanted a chance with Sexy. I always have. I think we would be very happy together. But there are complications that scare me and make me not want to try it. But I want to meet him in person, but then won’t I fall in love with him? Shouldn’t I try to experience ‘IRL’ relationfails, I mean ships? I donno. But the reason it’s bugging me so much more now, is he won’t talk to me. I’ve tried to convince myself that he’s just busy as usual. But we had this huge fight the other day about League. I guess it wasn’t just about League, it’s just how he handles things with me and I see him as insensitive. Even when I explain what I meant after I blew up I guess it wasn’t enough. He actively doesn’t go on our messenger of choice and instead I can only say Hi to him via text or Steam. It drives me nuts because I think of him all day and hope I’ll get to talk to him, but then I don’t because he’s nonchalant, cold, etc. It might just be me imagining it, I don’t know. My experiences with Daniel and other people in between (rushed flings, I guess you could call them) have really… made me shut down. Not totally shut down, not in that sense. But I think relationshipwise I’m empty. I don’t feel any real… childish thrill over anyone. I used to always have that feeling either with sad boyfriend or someone I was just talking to that would make me happy. I don’t have that with anyone right now, and it’s kind of weird. The closest thing to it is Sexy. It’s hard to explain with him though. I’ve always had feelings for him, and now that i’m scared shitless it’s almost like some of those feelings are locked up. I have feelings for him, think of him all the time, want to talk to him all the time, he makes me smile, I make him smile, we say endearing things. All this stuff and I feel really scared to commit to him. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not ready for a relationship yet since Daniel, or if it’s because… blah I don’t know. It’s really hard and confusing because I do have feelings for him, do want to be with him, and then my logic goes, ‘Look at all these things.’ My logic never lets me live life.

I am in my first semester towards going to University of Maryland’s Smith school of Business. It’s a lot of work and is pretty difficult. I think it’ll get considerably easier after the Calculus this semester. I think most of my energy that I don’t want depleted goes into that. By that I mean… I’d rather spend that 3 hours messing up my Balance Sheet for Accounting than I would teaching myself math that half the time I don’t fully understand. I am currently taking 5 classes while working roughly 30 hours a week. I am taking The Human Body, Applied Calculus for business/science majors, Accounting 1, Micro Economics, Statistics for Business. I got lucky with the professor I chose for Stat because his class is easy and easy to understand. Accounting is accounting but I have a great professor. I hate my economics class for a variety of reasons, the human body is online (flip through a textbook, answer quiz questions, carry on), Applied calculus is also online (it’s a lot of work).

Onto the next boy issue. Or upcoming issue, impending issue, etc. I have an acquaintance. Let’s call this acquaintance… Neko. I dunno why I wanna call him Neko, but whatever. I met Neko kinda recently and the first time we hung out I realize he’s cool and everything, and we talk via text kinda often I guess, and I just get the impression he’s into me. I’m not going into details, again for anonymity purposes. Not that Neko would ever read this or even find this, but whatever. Anyway, I think Neko is into me but I dunno if I really want a relationship at all right now, and honestly I think if I got into any relationship IRL I would just wonder why I’m not with Sexy, which is another issue going back to the Sexy problems. xD! So maybe I should just call it a day and be with Sexy? <3! I dunno. But Neko is very sweet and everything, but there night be a few things that make me go e.e; about him. I am so overcritical of people it is ridiculous. I have to plan everything and it makes it so I don't actually experience anything or live my life. It kinda sucks. Anyway, so I might be hanging out with Neko more often, but I'm not sure about that because of my school and work. I'm wondering how comfortable I will feel with seeing him more often. If he's into me and I don't want a relationship I dunno how to communicate that without being hurtful. Blargh. Well, I'm off to have a break from thinking about my Sexy woes and try to distract myself from that with Calculus homework~~~!!!!

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