Hey… so yeah. The last week or so I’ve really wanted someone to talk to, but I don’t have anyone that I feel comfortable talking to so I’ll just talk here. I’ve been incredibly depressed and anxious lately. And the way I work is I have barriers against lots of bad things that would drive me crazy if I didn’t have barriers… because of these barriers, anytime one little thing makes me upset it usually makes me think about other things, and my barriers go down and I explode with sadness and anxiety because I think of all the things I normally protect myself against. Lately I’ve felt really lonely. I don’t know if it’s just loneliness, or just feeling alone. I don’t know how I could explain those differences, but there probably is a difference between them. I do feel worried about being alone romantically, but I don’t want a relationship right now. I think I just would like someone to talk to on a regular basis, on a quasi intimate basis. The one thing I miss the most about any relationship I’ve had is having someone to talk to before bed. I don’t really have someone like that in my life. I used to. For a long time I didn’t, and then I did, and having it again, I got kinda used to it. Having it after a long time when I didn’t have it made me realize how much I missed it and want it in my life. I’m not ready for a relationship, I definitely am not. There is so much I need to learn how to do for me instead of someone else. My life has pretty much revolved around someone else for the last 10 years.
I guess what I want is a relationship without a relationship, but I am not capable of such a thing. I want someone to cuddle me, someone to say nice things to me, someone to love me and hear me bitch about how much my life sucks… without feeling like I need to do everything in my power to do everything for ‘him’ and ‘us’. And that’s not possible, so I guess I can’t have someone to just lay down and chat with at night before I go to bed. I think one thing I really need to decide and make a decision on within the next 6 months to a year whether it’s a good idea to meet Mike IRL or not. All logic says that I can’t get involved in a relationship with someone unless they are within driving distance of me. Mike certainly is not within driving distance. However my heart says if I didn’t meet him I would regret it. I feel like I would think about it in any relationship in the future. He was a great love in my life and the ending was so open ended. There was no closure. I was supposed to meet him on my birthday and it was going to be the best birthday ever. And it didn’t happen. Maybe this birthday. That would be cool. I think it would be nice to meet him because we were so in love, and it was tragic that we broke up. But at the same time… I need a physical relationship at this point in my life. In his defense he is pretty well off and could afford to see me much more often than I’m used to at this point… but I don’t know. Every close friend I have has advised me not to get involved with him. *sighs* I don’t know.
Anyway. Back to today. I slept until 11:30 or something. I guess it’s the catching up on sleep from the long week thing. I got on the right track right away and started doing homework stuff. The problem with my homework stuff is that it’s statistics and I assume statistics is pretty straight forward without reading the textbook, which is not entirely true. However the problem with this situation is that I work all week and have little time or energy to be reading 3 chapters a week in my statistics book. So today when I started doing my homework I freaked out when I couldn’t make excel do what I wanted it to do with probabilities. My frustration comes from my lack of drive to stay on top of this class when it’s a 5 week class. But I freaked out and started crying because I didn’t want to try anymore and I didn’t think I could read what I needed to read in the amount of time I have left. This stuff is due tomorrow at 11PM. It’s all probability stuff which I remember doing decently on in a past class but for some reason I can’t remember the specifics. There’s also some logical thinking involved that doesn’t come straight out of the book. In general, I do terribly when you have to apply logic that wasn’t learned from fact. Anyway, the fit from statistics turned into a fit about school and worrying about next semester, and then it turned into a fit about my future, and then it turned into a fit of epic loneliness, and then it turned into a fit about missing Daniel and his family. I took a shower to try to get myself out of the rut, and it just made it worse. I just sat in the hot water and thought about things. I just sat there and thought so hard.
And then something just completely wrecked me. I heard Daniel’s voice in my head. his brother is very delayed developmentally, he has problems. He’s special needs. He couldn’t say my name for a very long time because it’s kind of hard to say in Portuguese. It was so exciting when he first started to call me by my name, he recognized me as a person instead of a stranger just visiting. Anyway… in my head I heard him say ‘Oi Ay’ he can’t say ‘Alyx’ so he says ‘Ay’ sounds like eye. I heard his voice in my head and I just curled up in a ball and started bawling. I was trying my best to not make loud noises because I didn’t want anyone in the house to hear me. I heard it over and over again and started ‘whining’ it. You know sometimes when you’re crying or really upset and you just… whine stuff even know no one is with you and no one can hear you? I just said ‘Oi Ay’ over and over. I thought about how much I missed Daniel, and Brazil, and how there was so much I was losing. I wasn’t just losing Daniel. His family cared about me, his mom took care of me when I was sick. His family showed concern for my well being. His family accepted me even though I was completely different from them and could not even communicate with them. When I was in Brazil it was like life was carefree. It was like I was actually living life for once. I wasn’t stuck in my head. I wasn’t stuck with choices and thoughts and weighing my options and wondering what would happen if I did this or that. I was simply with my boyfriend, a best friend, we were just having fun together. We got sick around the same time, we just… experienced life together. I can’t have that. I can’t think to myself ‘Everything I do is for us, everything I do is so I can experience that again’. Those thoughts have gotten me through the last 3 years of my life. I will never have Rafa (Daniel’s brother) pull my hair again because I am taking his attention. Everyone goes ‘NAO RAFA, SOLTA!’
I will never be able to hug mamae again when I am sick and in pain. I have cried in his mother’s arms before. I don’t remember the last time I’ve ever done that to my mother. Mamae would hug me all day if I needed it. That woman loved me even though she feared I would take her son to another country, from her. I am losing so much more than just Daniel and my relationship with him, and that thought crushed me for hours today. I cried for majority of 3-4 hours today… because I heard ‘Oi Ay’. i think what really bothers me about this though… is Daniel’s response is like ‘Don’t worry you’ll find someone!’ It’s not even that. I don’t think I have an irrational fear of being alone forever. I am just coping and dealing with the sadness of losing my relationship and my relationships with his whole family. I would do anything for them. I wish it could’ve worked. It’s too hard though, it’s too much. It’s too difficult for both of us.
I have so many things I need to work on before I get into another relationship. The first of my huge goals I need to achieve is get my license. I really think having my license will help me with a lot of my problems. I think it’ll make me feel less bad about myself, but it directly affects my problems. For instance, one way I could work out on a regular basis is swimming. If I had a gym membership I could swim whenever I could get there to swim. (assuming the gym I’m thinking of has a pool). I also could have a ride to the grocery store to actually buy food that isn’t fast food. Half the time I’m hungry I order pizza because there is no food in the house and I have no way to actually go somewhere to buy food to make. I actually would have time and energy to just get away when I needed to. It takes so much time and energy to use public transportation. I would have the time and ability to actually go hang out with people because I would have a way to get there. After that… I’m not sure. I have had a draft of a list/time frame for things. Most of the things I’d like to be done before the end of ’11. Let me think… Clean my room (again, it was good for a few months, but my dresser is broken so all my clothes are on the floor), so a kinda joint part of clean my room is ‘buy a new dresser’, I think I just added to this list ‘reformat computer’ because when cleansing that’s also a good thing to do. One thing I want done, I wish I could do it before ’11 is over, but I think it’s not plausible: buy a car.
Anyway. I’m gonna headout since I’ve now apparently written 1800+ words in this entry…