#: 311

Emmie,

SOOOOO I started school last week… or week before?, and it’s fabulous n_n! One shitty thing is just… really realizing how much I need my license. For instance, today, public transportation ate up 2.5 hours of my life. Transportation to and from school shouldn’t be more than an hour, hour and a half at absolute worst! Anyway. it’s good because I eat pretty good during school, and I walk hellalot. anyway. So yeah, school’s pretty good. That whole few sentences was written a while ago, I guess. I think last Thursday, even…? or maybe this past Tuesday. I’m not sure. xD!

Anyway, life is pretty crazy. Growing up is so weird sometimes. And to think, I don’t even have the bulk of responsibilities I need to be considered a real adult. Today I was at school from 8:30-3ish, then I went to work. Thing is… I wake up around 6:30. So I’m up and running from 6:30 – 8:30, walking, or working, or schooling, or whatever. Pretty tough. Oh, there’s also the public transportation which takes a lot out of me, mainly because of my backpack… and because in the morning… it’s really early, and in the evenings, it’s after a huge long day of using my brain to it’s capacity! I have a lot of homework, mostly reading. I’m hoping I can clean my room while reading… basically.. start a load of laundry, read, switch the laundry, take some trash off my desk, read, change the load again, etc.

Anyway, moving on… I’m kinda stressed about school for the long run, because I’ve always wanted to go to Maryland… but it seems that they don’t really have any programs that I want/need. Any degree I would get there would be settling for it because I wanted a piece of paper that said I graduated from Maryland. And then… basically, the program I kinda got set on, then my sister told me that you have to take Calculus to get into it! So that started making me feel pretty panicked as well. And then I looked into the OT program at Towson, and there’s a bunch of classes I need to take before I go there, which isn’t quite as bad, to be honest. The math is what scares me. Sciences don’t scare me much, unless they have a lot of math in them. Plus, the Towson stuff, I think I have a few classes under my belt to go there.

Next concern: I’m going into, or am in one of those psychological down hill situations that are caused from social problems. For instance, I was getting too ‘kushey’ with having a few friends, within the last few months. I was talking to Daniel regularly, as well as Mike, and Jonathan. I’m pleased to say that Daniel and I are playing WoW, and hence talking a lot more. And, I’m going there in December so I think we’re both kinda excited that we’ll see each other ‘soon’. And then, recently (last two weeks or so), I guess I could consider Tyler a friend. Tyler is Lizzie’s brother, and we’ve held conversation before, but prior to a week or two ago there was never consecutive attempts to communicate mutually. But then suddenly he was bored and hung out with me multiple times in the span of 2 weeks or so. Maybe 3 weeks. Anyway. So, Mike’s really busy with work, Tyler is about to move to Delaware, and the last one bugs me the most. Basically because I’m an immature female who needs to go to sleep and mind her own business. Basically, I over analyze everything, and that’s what’s happening here. Plus, I detach easly so hopefully this will end quickly. I have physical symptoms of emotional strain right now, but I’m hoping it’s because I’m tired, not because I’m attached. So I’ll whisper to make me feel better in case he reads this, because I don’t want to be confronted about it:

Sooo… on Facebook today, I read that Jonathan was engaged! At first my heart sank, and then I started thinking logically, that it must be some stupid Facebook bullshit. I didn’t really think on it much after that I guess. But as I got home, I just started thinking about it a lot for some reason. I’m not sure if I’m just jealous because as soon as there’s another girl, the friendship is not anywhere close to the same. But at the same time, I’ve wanted that all along, so it’s not fair. Can’t have it both ways. Anyway, so I just put my analytical brain on, and keep going back and forth. this is one of those reasons I hate facebook. What’s real? To me, it seems like total and utter bullshit, but that may just be a defense mechanism. I dunno, everything logically says it’s bullshit. Maybe I’ve spent less time with him in the past few weeks than I thought. But still, it’s kinda weird that he’s had time to farm the kind of relationship that ends in engagement. Maybe it’s a test. Is it a test to see how well I know him? I feel like it’s bullshit and he wouldn’t rush into such a commitment, so it must be a joke.

BUT, at the same time, the comments and everything in response… are legit, like people think they’re engaged. Even if it’s just some old friend he’s known for years… I still can’t see him just up and eloping. But maybe I’m arrogant and really don’t know the guy. Kinda disturbing actually. Maybe what’s more disturbing is I really consider this guy a best friend to me, but sometimes I feel like I could just drop him. Am I a survivor, or just a cold-hearted-bitch? I’m typing on and on about this, this is bothering me a lot I guess. He did call me lupa today… but something tells me he’d call me lupa even if he got married… mm I don’t know. The clues are confusing. I should be a detective? Maybe. I’m like shivering because I’m thinking about it so much. I guess my problem is… I can take things from me, but if they’re taken from me… it’s a completely different story. Completely. Also, I wonder if he avoided coming because of her. That’s one point the other side of the argument has. It goes like this… this weekend, Jon and I planned to hang out all weekend (pretty much), at Wendy’s (my sister) house. We did this some other weekend and it was awesome. We played Rock Band with the kids all day. Was fabulous time. I talked to him on the phone night before it was supposed to happen. He was concerned about money, but he also said he would come one way or another, when I started to say, ‘okay I guess I’ll see you next week.’.

Anyway, so I figured he was coming, and then he didn’t show up that night, and texted me saying he’d come in the morning, then he called in the morning and said they didn’t pay him. It was all really kinda sketchy and weird, like… not him. So that was Saturday, I think, and then we got him to come Sunday evening… so I’m wondering if he was avoiding because of this chick? I kinda think that’s my paranoia talking, but who knows, I kinda think and analyze every aspect of the equation. Oh, by the way, there were pictures on facebook of the ‘promise’ ring (ring pop), which if it were alone, everyone would know it were bullshit. But then there was also a picture of her finger with a ring on it. Okay, a). it could’ve just been some fun day, let’s take the facebook shit even further, b). I’m fairly certain he doesn’t have money like that. And if he does, then him ditching on the plans we had… was bullshit. Which pisses me off and makes me not trust him.

I’m done whispering. I think I’m also done typing. Before I started typing this, I was suddenly awake. Like… awake with my emotions and cold, etc. Now I just feel tired and ready for bed, but it’s still kinda early…

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