So, yeah. I hope I’ll get completely better soon. When I’m sitting here doing nothing, and there’s no one to talk to (often), I get anxious in my stomach. I don’t even know why. It’s not like specific triggers set off the anxiety. It just happens, and I become worried about my life that seems meaningless. The big trigger for all of it though was my last weekend, which was really amazing.
I went to see really old friends from when I RPed when I was a teenager. Tom was the original, then I met Josh and Todd through Tom. What makes all of it interesting is they all loved me at some point when we were teenagers. I actually ‘dated’ Tom and Josh, but I had a ‘physical relationship’ with Todd. It made it different that way. I had always seen Todd as ‘the one who got away’. Don’t get me wrong, all this history didn’t make it so I was like fantasizing because I was in the presence of all these people I used to love. Nah, it wasn’t like that at all. It was really… like a bunch of old high school buddies getting together for one last laugh before our lives rocket into intense responsibility and adulthood; families, kids, etc.
And that’s the problem with it. I had so much fun, I didn’t want it to just disappear… but it did. I’ve tried calling Nat, but someone said her phone is off until the bill gets paid. I’ve tried calling Todd multiple times, he’s never there. I just want to talk to these people and pretend I have friends again. I really just felt like I had a LIFE for three days. And then suddenly the people from my LIFE are sucked out of it. Prior to me going up there, I got to talk to Josh more than I got to talk to Daniel. Josh made time to talk to me, even though he has two jobs and school. We pretty much talked on the phone every night, or were texting. It may be a bit of a dramatization, because there were times when we didn’t talk. But because Daniel goes to bed early, and because of my work schedule, and because of WoW, at that point I really was talking to Josh more than Daniel. Not in an affair type of way, but it was really nice to have a friend, have someone to talk to about things.
I don’t have that anymore. A few days before I went to Sheffield and Warren, Josh met this girl. I think he just doesn’t want to get his hopes up about it, so he’s very non chalant about the whole thing. He calls her his ‘love interest’. Anyway, so I was talking to him on the phone the other night, and he told me that there’s now two of them. Girls fighting over him. Great :\ Girls always mean there’s no time for friends anymore. It happened with Eric, now happening with Josh. It really sucks. And I guess I’m jealous, but I don’t think I’m jealous in a romantic way. I’m jealous because I felt like we were really best friends-like. Now he only calls me if he’s worried that I’m that sad, he just wants to make me smile. Which is really nice of him and everything. But eh, maybe I’m asking too much. Or maybe I’m worried it really will turn out like Eric did.
Another thing to be anxious about is my relationship. For the past month I’ve really been worrying about how unrealistic it is, and stuff like that. I really didn’t get affection as a kid. I never have really gotten affection from my family. Never ‘I love you’, never hugs and kisses. Well, I’m sure I got those things, but I was too young to remember when I still got them. My family isn’t open about their feelings. Yes, I KNOW my family loves me. But it’s intimidating to feel like I’m not allowed to hug anyone in my family even if I wanted to. But, with that being said, I really need a physical relationship. Prior to this relationship, I’d only really gone 8 months (while in a relationship) without getting a hug or a kiss or any of that. If Daniel and I last long enough, it will be a year and 5 months. A YEAR. AND FIVE MONTHS. In between being able to touch each other. I can’t DO this shit, dude. It’s too fucking hard. Maybe it would feel easier if he could help me financially, but he can’t. He’s already giving every cent he makes to his mom for bills. I don’t want to give up one of the greatest loves of my life… but it’s like he said in the very beginning, ‘I don’t want an e-relationship with you.’ I don’t want this e-stuff anymore. He plays WoW more than he talks to me. I understand needing ‘me’ time, and maybe I’m just a bratty, selfish person. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW.
I’m so lonely. I wish I had friends. As emo as that sounds, it’s so sincere.