I thoroughly apologize to anyone who may check emevas like… once a month or something, and you see all these blank videos. I’m fed up with the webcam widgets for wordpress, I guess I’m better off recording it on the built-in program for my webcam, and then upload it. I am lazy and like to prevent that type of work by simply recording it to here, but history has shown that it won’t work this way.
Anyway. I’m mildly concerned for the state of my livelihood as a young, vibrant 23-year-old woman. I was just sitting here after spending a few hours on homework. And I was sitting here thinking. ‘Wow, I’m 23, I don’t go to work until 4 tomorrow… and I’m about to go to sleep at 11:30PM… I’m living an amazing life.’ It’s really concerning the lack of social life I have. I’m sure I’d ever even think about it if Kylin never introduced me to her clique of friends back when she did. I think I’d just assume it was a normal lifestyle for me. I feel so abnormal on so many levels lately it’s not even funny. Iwonder if I’ll ever be able to lead a productive, non-psychotic life.
I see on these shows about these girls saying, ‘I’m 24 and I met my husband….’ It’s really kinda concerning that I don’t think I’ll even live together with my boyfriend within the next 5 years, let alone get married to him… Not to mention moving out of my parents doesn’t seem in my near future. Financially it doesn’t look like it will happen for at least 10 years. It’s really disappointing to think that I really could see myself living in my parents house that is falling apart… when I’m 33. I can’t eat properly or lead a healthy lifestyle like I want. ugh. Everything sucks. I hope I can get through this semester without getting bored and giving up. I’d like to set a goal of getting a 3.5GPA or better.
Anyway. I love my boyfriend and miss him very much. I miss holding his hand, or waking up and opening my eyes to see that he’s there with me. I miss his desire to make me smile. I miss our mutual want to make each other happy. I just miss being together IRL. I’m glad that even after nearly two years, we’re still very much in love. We’ve been through a lot, but I still think we’re going strong and try to make it work despite the distance; a distance most people could not tolerate for even a short time.
I made 80 on WoW, with a lot of help from Dani. I also am already struggling to keep up with my school work on top of my long hours at work, and my desire to finish organizing my room the way I’ve been dreaming of for at least a year. The clutter is driving me nuts even though it’s considerably better than it used to be. Adjusting to the living space that is 10x better than what I had before is hard simply because of my barriers. When you live in a house like this you have to put up barriers to survive. If you walk around like you would in every day living, stuff would drive you nuts. Things at work on desks drive me nuts all the time. If I came home with that mentality I would lose my mind from everything. And sometimes my barriers slip and I just lose it. Certain triggers ignite these emotional outbursts that no one really understands. But you wouldn’t understand.
You wouldn’t understand because you probably haven’t been living with a hole in your wall for a long time. You don’t have a hole where a barrier between my room and the bathroom should be. You probably don’t have to hear the noises of people pissing, shitting, puking, etc, in the comfort of your own room. Well, I do. You probably don’t have to worry too much about what step you’re taking, in a simple walk from your room to the kitchen. You probably don’t have to worry about stepping in dog shit, or tripping, or twisting your ankle on something on the floor. You probably don’t have to worry about doing dishes in your bathroom. You probably don’t have to worry about looking at the innards of walls while you’re taking a shower. But I do.
I could go on and on about the things that you normal people don’t have to worry about, that I do after to worry about. These things I run into every day, that I some how have to protect myself from, so that I don’t have mental breakdowns daily.
Cheers.
Alyx
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