Emmie,
Now is one of those times when you’re all I have. Which is okay because I can cry on your shoulder and then go to sleep. Everything is too much. I think I could go to school, do homework, and then be at the gym… but I just can’t stand being at the gym all day. Maybe if it was once or twice a week. Nah, dawg. It’s all week long, and multiple weeks in a row. I’m just so done. It’s one thing for Corey or my mom to be working these kind of hours… they’re owners, they’ll ‘eventually’ have a shit load of money from the company. Michelle will dish out, and does dish out, more to them. Paying me more is an unnecessary expense to the company. And I’m not supposed to complain. If I complain I’m a brat, I’m worthless, I don’t care about the family, etcetc.
To add to it, I have 3 and 4 year olds all morning. It wouldn’t be all that bad, if half of them weren’t brats. This one cries and cries in the beginning of camp, her mom comes into the gym EVERY. FUCKING. MORNING. Parents aren’t allowed in the gym unless they’re there for a parent participation class. There is no parent participation for camp. Get. The. Fuck. Out. The whole crying and ‘mommy mommy, I want mommy’ bullshit pisses me off. I’m bigger than you kid, I know you’re playing your mom for everything she’s worth, and you get away with it. I fucking HATE that. UGH. Anyway. It also frustrates me that there are some talented kids in my group, which is usually hard to come by for a group of 3 and 4 year olds. Generally they’re brain dead midgets that are running around over stimulated by all the gym has to offer. Nah, these kids could be good if they weren’t fucking brats. That girl that cries every morning? If I didn’t hate her mother, and how bratty she is and gets away with everything… she could go somewhere in gymnastics. But she won’t because of her mom. I won’t even bother pursuing her because of her mom.
Anyway. So not only do I have camp from 8:30 – 1, I then get dragged back into the gym here and there because I’m everyone’s puppet and have no choice, otherwise I’m always the scape goat for bad employee. But then I teach a class at 4:00. So I teach from 4:00- 5:00, and then I coach from 5:30-8:30. It’s so much. Actually interacting with children takes so much out of you. For that amount of time, it’s insane. Maybe I shouldn’t be a mom. I don’t have it in me, man. I just don’t. I actually pretty much pulled my shit together toward the end of the day. Didn’t feel so grumpy when I got home.
But then of course, I got in pissing matches with two people back to back, and now I just feel that chokey-feeling at the back of my throat right before a panic attack. Funny, I think I’m too tired to even have a panic attack. That chokey feeling has been there for at least 10 minutes, and no panic attack has come. I think I’m that tired, it’s so amazing. Have you ever been so tired you can’t have a panic attack even though it feels like your body needs to have one? I apparently have been that tired before! Yeah. I’m selfish, other people are selfish. The world keeps going. Woot woot. I had a nice evening of Dragon Ball Z and The Guild planned for tonight. The people I was gonna watch with don’t like my long days either, so we’re not doing those things anymore 
!
Big sigh. I just want to cry myself to sleep. I’m so emo. If only I could get my hair as straight as emo kids do. Then I’d be on a ball. Oh yeah… so my little free time is one of the things that stresses me out. There is not enough time for me to get the things done I want to get done in the amount of time allotted. I’m supposed to go to my niece and nephew’s. I’m supposed to see my friend Jon. And then I just want to sit. I just want to sit and bring in all the nothingness that is so lovely from being away from work. I wish I had two days off so I could have one for other people and one for me. Will I even have the energy to go crabbing this weekend if weather/car permits? That’s a sad thought right there. Do I have enough energy to go crabbing? I can’t believe I even have to ask such a question. What is life coming to?
*sigh* All 3 of my favorite people I barely got to talk to today. It stresses me so fucking much. I guess I chased 2 of them away, and then the other one I can’t really talk to because I’m at work all day and can’t talk to him more than 5 minutes. gotta love time zones. I wish I had more people I liked to talk to.
Emmie, help me feel better?
Jun 092010
So yeah. Again, I kinda hate facebook. It like… encourages peeking into the lives of people that you should have nothing to do with. Really. For instance, the way it is now, feed is shown on your… feed that shows random stuff. Like I can see conversations between to people, I see albums of people that are tagged and I don’t know the person who made the album. Shit like that. So when I was in middle school, I was really popular. Everyone knew me, I knew everyone. in 7th grade I got into the little ‘skating’ clique. My friends and I all had expensive skateboards, we’d skip school on Fridays, they’d take bong hits (of course I didn’t, you fools), etc. It was ‘the life’. Well anyway, the reason this is relevant is because in that span of time I knew three brothers. Sheldon, Rob, and Chris. Rob and Chris are twins, and were older than us. Sheldon was my year. Anyway. I don’t remember how close I was with the twins, but I know I had a conversation or a few with them. One of them got married recently, because for whatever reason, the feed of pictures from the wedding were on my facebook.
Point being, I look at those pictures and realize they’re all friends from high school. I mean, not friends of mine, but that’s how they know each other. And they’re all at a wedding, 5+ years later. It made me think, ‘well, I know I’m old when I start getting invitations to weddings’. I actually had that thought for much longer than I should’ve, because then I realized, ‘How are you going to get invited to weddings when you don’t have friends to get married and invite you?’
Point made.
Hey Emmie,
Sorry I’m so emo, but I always have been. The last two weeks have been a mix of amazing and terrible. When Mike came back and we were friends again, it really helped me feel just… better. Having a friend, someone to talk to, besides Daniel, made me feel less lonely. It made my anxiety about my relationship go away a bit. It was really awesome for it to just happen like that. And for once it’s not like there’s some kind of romantic thing going on. We’re friends. If we were ever single, yes, we could have feelings for each other. But I like to stay grounded and if for whatever reason Daniel and I don’t work… I really don’t want to end up in another international relationship. It’s really hard.
Anyway. I wish I was a more adaptable person. I guess I am more so than I realize, but still. When the hustle and bustle of the day stops and I close my book for the evening, my mind just takes hold. I don’t know how put together I’ll be. And maybe it’s a bit dramatic. I’m not crying or shuddering or anything. But I do sit here and sigh with hunched shoulders and sadly close my eyes when I realized my ‘world’ from my last two weeks is gone. My everyday isn’t waking up and talking to that baby. My everyday isn’t worrying about talking to Mike when he should be sleeping. I don’t want it to revert to a month ago when I have panic attacks (a minimum) once a week, and cry daily because I hate my life. I’m past teen angst, I won’t necessarily let myself believe that he’s doing the whole disappearing thing again. And if he is, oh well such is life and I’ll get on with it. You gotta do what you gotta do. The logical, less-hormonefilled-girl part of me suggests that he’s on vacation this week, and it makes the most sense to actually hang out with people IRL and do social things on vacation rather then stay boarded up in your room talking to someone you’ve never met before. Makes sense to me.
Eh, well anyway. It’s not all bad. I finally completely switched to my new computer today. I had another mishap before having smooth sailing (of course, this machine is as moody as me, I’d say). I rode my bike to Bestbuy and had to buy a new wireless adapter. I had planned to simply use the adapter from my old computer, but the one I have is too old and not compatible with Windows 7. But yeah. I think I have majority of what I need installed. It’s kinda a wonder when you realize what little you actually use on a regular basis. But yeah. It’s quite stellar in comparison to anything I’ve owned, including my Mac. I think it’s the first computer I’ve ever owned that isn’t just getting by. It also is the first computer I’ve ever really had that is truly upgradable.
Sometimes I get very excited, ‘easily’ by other peoples’ standards. One of those things that just lit me up and made me smile and happy today, was an e-mail I received from a leopard gecko breeder in PA. I might actually have a place to get a baby that I want that is cute and ready for a mommy like me! I hope he won’t mind me posting them here. As a disclaimer these aren’t my geckos, I’m not selling them, etc. I’m only going to post the ones I’m interested in buying. There were more than this:
SHTCT (Super Hypo Tangerine Carrot Tail)
Blazing Blizzard baby
Mack Snow Bell Albino
They’re so fucking cute, I know. And I’m pretty torn. I’ve never even looked into a Snow Albino, and never looked into Bell Albinos, period. However, that is going to be a beautiful gecko. I can just tell. I mean they all will be, I’m sure. But the first two just look like ordinary geckos. The orange doesn’t stand out to me in the tangs, and a blizzard is a blizzard. If it had black eyes that’s one thing… but anyway. Tangerines are what I had been after when I bought baby (ended up with her, a patternless). The Blazing Blizzard is the closest thing to baby, but is more pinky/white, and she would’ve been more whitish/yellow when she grew up. The tangs are what I was originally in for, but it seems like I’m leaning towards the mack snow… but I already have a mack snow. I mean he’s just a regular old mack snow, and she’s more of a codominant w/ albino in there… so it’s like blahblah I dunno what to do! I want a baby though, that’s for sure. I’m glad baby is letting me feel okay about it so soon. I think she knows I need it. I need something/someone to take care of in my life that will demand my time and passion. A baby gecko would be perfect for the job…
It’s a very humbling experience to experience death first hand. I don’t mean finding something already dead. Of course, that is a humbling experience too. But having something that was alive, breathing, die while you’re sitting there witnessing it? Maybe I’m just dramatic, but it mentally seems to be a life changing event. It makes you feel less… angry at trivial things. My baby leopard gecko died in my hands today. I cradled her in my hands and watched her final twitches. I don’t want to think about it too much, because when I think of it that way it’s kind of a scary thing to think about. It’s something you think would only happen in a movie – never to you. But I guess it kind of already has happened to me. And maybe it traumatized me for life and it’s one of the reasons why death scares me to nearly an irrational point. When I was in 3rd or 4th grade my dog, Lottie killed my other dog, Muddie. She was torn up very badly and laying in shock on this pull-out mattress thing that was part of my bunk bed. I think I absolutely lost my mind, and it was my first, biggest episode with death in my life. I don’t remember that I actually watched her take her last breaths, but I remember my dad saying she was in shock.
Anyway. I’m very sure I saw my baby take her last breaths today. I don’t know how death works, but there were a few head things she did. She was so motionless in my hands. I had been trying to feed her this slurry stuff. It’s got pedialyte, and ensure, and mealworms, it’s like a protein shake for geckos who can’t eat. Or something. She had been moving sometimes when I was giving her it, like she’d get annoyed that I was trying to give it to her. And suddenly she stopped moving. I took her to the bathroom to give her a warm soak. She wouldn’t hold her head up. Previously when I gave her soaks, she would hold her head up. I started getting worried at that point. Sometimes she’d be so sleepy that I could touch her a few times and she wouldn’t respond. But it was different this time. She was so limp, and really not doing anything.I then really thought she was dead. When I kept moving her legs and they were just lifeless and non responsive. I started crying and talking to her and apologizing. In my head I was talking to ‘God’. But not really. I just wanted her to be okay. I had her in my hands and started thinking that my gecko was dying in my hands, and death scared me, and death was gross. But at the same time I was just torn with grief that this little thing that I’ve loved so much for 2 weeks… this little thing that has been my world, is not going to be my world anymore. My grief definitely won the battle. I was rocking back in forth wishing she was the type of pet you could just snuggle. Even though I knew she was dead, an icky dead corpse, I wanted to snuggle my baby and tell her I loved her and tell her it would be okay now, and tell her I’m sorry because she never had a name, and tell her I’m sorry because I didn’t save her. I held her and was hunched over and rocking a bit. I then looked close and saw her breathing. I got excited, and I guess that was the point where I really thought of ‘think-talking’ to ‘God’. And I kept chanting, ‘Please please please’, but of course she was really dying here. Her limps were lifeless. I would touch her and she would not respond at all. Then over the course of 5 minutes or so, she probably jerked her head faintly maybe.. 3-4 times in intervals. I assume that was an electrical response or something. Just her systems shutting down, using extra energy. After a few of those jerks I really stopped thinking it was her getting any ‘better’. Maybe the first one I thought she was fighting to stay alive. After that I just figured she was dying slowly… in my hands. I decided to put her back in her tank so she could rest peacefully. I stood there for a minute thinking about it first I think. Bawling my fucking eyes out, with my tiny gecko in my hands. I put her down on the paper towel, and of course I can’t lay her flat if she’s laying flat in my hand. I put her down and she was kinda tilted on her side… and she just kinda.. didn’t fix herself. It made me cry more and really just… made it a deafening roar that I could no longer escape. I put her hide over her even though she had to be gone. I think I said I love you and I’m sorry. I think my dad walked in the house not even 5 minutes after that.
As I was changing into work clothes in the bathroom I heard my dad taking off the top of the tank on her cage and moving stuff in there. By the time I was out, he was too, and it looked as if she wasn’t touched. I then told him my experience that I just listed here, and he said, ‘Well when I just went in there and held her… I don’t think she’s with us.’ I really kept my composure well. A few minutes after that, he said, ‘If she’s stiff before you get home, she won’t be there anymore.’ my response was, ‘Okay, please ut her with everyone else (wilbird and Cezzie in the front yard). ‘
My coworker, Brandon, who’s what I’d consider an acquaintance I guess, but could be a friend. He’s definitely a friend when we’re at work, but we’ve never hung out outside of work, but if we did I would consider him a friend. He came into my office when I was crying, I wiped my face and knew I couldn’t play actress, no way in hell. SO I just told him. He made it much easier for me to work. He hugged me multiple times and apologized and we talked for a good 10 minutes or so. It was really helpful, along with teaching kids I actually like. I didn’t necessarily care like I normally would… it was hard to stay positive and focused rather than lazy and looking at my watch every 30 seconds. But the cupcakes were a nice touch..
Driving up the hill on Plyers Mill Rd was hard. It was full of anxiety. I knew it was going to be devestating to not come home to that baby anymore. To come home and not have that need to help her… that want to have her in my life for a long time. What do you do? It’s life altering. I attach easily, and suck things into my life. If they’re taken away… how do you adjust? I don’t know. But as soon as we pulled into outside of our house and I walked up the steps, it got worse. I saw the fresh dirt and I teared up. I blew her a kiss and said I love you. I can’t wait until the pain subsides and it’s just normal to see her in the ground in the front yard instead of seeing her every morning in my room. God, I miss her so much.
Experiencing death that way is life changing. Experiencing sickness, experiencing just… a race against time. Trying to run from death, changes you. I tried to sprint with that baby, I tried sprinting from death with her in my hands. But I guess I don’t run very fast.
I love you, baby. Rest in peace, okay? I hope you’re not hurting anymore. I’m sorry I couldn’t take the pain away. I’m sorry you couldn’t eat so much like I know you wanted to. I would’ve fed you anything you wanted. I fucking hate crickets.
But I fucking love you.
Good night, sleepyhead.
P.S. The PC has windows on it now. But I could give a shit less.
My sister recently has had several talks with me about how she’s sick of me bitching, and doesn’t want to hear about it, or see posts about it. I’ll assume she doesn’t know this is here. And really… isn’t it a free country to write in a blog? lol. But I guess it’s also a free country for her to fire me over what I write here.
One of the things that really bothers me, is I’m that person at my job that is expected to know how to do everything, and fix every problem. For instance, for whatever reason ‘we’ (by we I mean my sister and her husband) decided to use efax. I don’t see the benefits of it at all so far, to be honest with you, lol. No one knows how to send a fax, and it’s really a pain to send one in comparison to if we just… had a fax machine. Anyway, so my sister calls me and asks me how to use it. I’ve actually explained how to use it multiple times. And the only reason I know how to do it, is because my brother-in-law explained it to me. I sent an e-mail last weekend about how to use it, to everyone that I thought would need to know how to use it. But yeah, she called back after I told her how to do it, and was like, ‘It said this e-mail isn’t authorized.’, There are only certain e-mails that are authorized to send faxes. So she expected me to know how to send an e-mail from one e-mail address instead of the other (there are multiple e-mail accounts on the thunderbird at work)
I wish the computer I ‘built’ with m own two hands would work 
I guess my own two hands aren’t very good.
The act of actually building something is kind of cool to me, but generally after I’ve built something it doesn’t work like it was supposed to… so it makes me never want to build something again. It happened with my ikea furniture, and now with my computer. I’m really annoyed that I’ve been trying to make it work for ATLEAST a cumulative of 8 hours now. at least. Not sure exactly how much. Started building it last night, and tried getting it working most of today, and most of tonight. Still shit wrong with it. Mike thinks he knows what’s wrong, and of course I’ll have to go to that godforsaken store again. (Microcenter). I’m really over it at this point. I’ve felt ‘done’ with trying for hours now. Of course Mike keeps going and going and I just get annoyed with him. Him and Daniel both do that shit. Like they shove me over the edge with their persistence when I’m just done with it.
So I guess I hope Mike is right, just to know what’s wrong. But then again if he’s wrong again I’m going to be even more pissed off, because that means that I took another trip to Microcenter, came home, and the computer doesn’t work.
Plus, I’m sick of this baby gecko tearing my heart apart. Why can’t it just live up to my expectations already? Maybe I should just be grateful that it ate yesterday. But I’m not. I want it on a schedule. I want it eating regularly. I want it eating like a normal baby should.
out
Alyx
Oh, btw. Isn’t it cool? I’m a brat because I complain about how much I work. dunchu know? Everyone works as much, or more than I do. Which makes me a whining brat. ) <3<3
So really. If I’m like this over a baby leopard gecko, I’m really concerned that I’ll be one of those gay overbearing parents to a real human child. I’ve been losing some sleep over this baby gecko. And I’ve had a gecko dream in the last week, etc. Today’s crisis has been going on off and on for a few days, but the temperature was so low today that I just kinda lost it a bit. I finally decided that the heating pad under baby’s tank is bad. I’d guess it’s been going on for at least 3 days. It would suddenly get cold in the tank. It was really stressing. I mean with Schnee if he has a few hours, or even a night or two in the cold I’m sure it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll find him dead. I think with the baby every little thing counts. The heat helps them digest properly, etcetc. And if they don’t have the proper head for some time (less extreme drop) they won’t eat as much (kinda like a hibernation-type deal). So yeah, I think the roller coaster temperature might be affecting my baby’s eating. I’d really like to get on a normal schedule of 3-5 crickets a day. I really loathe crickets, but I mean… if the baby likes crickets, I’ll just have to deal with that. Schnee and Cezzie were easy and would eat Superworms. Of course they like chasing crickets, but I really hate crickets. I have to catch them after they’re done eating, and they give disease, and sometimes they’re loose in my room… they’re just gross. I think when I go to the store today I might get some phoenix worms to see if baby will eat those. So far s/he is not big on worms. Wouldn’t eat a wax worm (high in fat, supposed to only serve as a ‘treat’ sort of deal… but wanted the fat for his/her tail), s/he ate one meal worm the first day s/he ate, but puked it out. Or didn’t digest it well, and it didn’t like… turn into poop. it was still a worm. So yeah. Only crickets so far, but hopefully when s/he is older we can start using a food source that is easier. Crickets are just fucking annoying.
Anyway, yeah. Any people who are faithful people hope/pray/wishuponastar for my baby to pull through. <3
Thanks,
Alyx
I’ve always wanted to be something. Maybe I’m an attention whore. Maybe I’m materialistic and want personal belongings. I don’t know. But I do know that whatever motivations deep in my heart I have to be something will never be realized. My motivation and confidence in what I’m doing evaporates as quickly as it shows up. So don’t expect me ever to be something. Maybe there’s more than one person who thinks that I’m ‘going to be something’. Someone had a conversation with me about it last weekend. I don’t believe them.
I guess I need to start planning to live somewhere else, because there’s no way I can afford to live anywhere near here on a (even close to) minimum wage job.
Bye bye hopes and dreams of living where I grew up. And fuck you, whoever made the cost of living so high here.
<3,
Alyx
Yes, I apologize. I know whoever is reading this is sick of the emo bullshit already. However, fuck you, if you don’t like it, don’t read it. This blog is for me not you. xD
Generally when I’m in the shower I have my most clear, cohesive thought processes. Sadly they’re not always motivating or positive, but sometimes I do like to sit while water is pouring on me, and just think. These are the two epiphanies I’ve had today:
I’m the kind of friend that is never thought of. I’m never the one that people go, ‘oh wow, I should text her and see how she is.’ there’s never a thought of ‘Oh heeeyy I wonder how Alyx is doing!’ I’ve always been the person who contacts people when I want to interact. It pisses me off. Even when they had time, and I had time, and I actually had a gaggle of friends, it was always me planning the get togethers. Why? Am I selfish or something for feeling like I should be one of those people that gets talked to on a weekly, or daily basis? I don’t know that I’ve ever had a friend like that that wasn’t a boyfriend. Besides online friends when I was a teenager. And even then, it never stays. Why can’t I have the friends that last a life time? Why am I a phase to people? Or why are people a phase to me? Why can’t I just fit in and stick? Or why can’t I just get over it and move on with my life?
Another part to that similar thought process is that I’m a usable person. I think most guys I’ve been interested in that I haven’t been in a relationship with have just kinda used me. Whether on purpose or not, I was pretty much used for one reason or another. I’m not the type of girl to say ‘omg all guys are pigs, they don’t know how to treat me’. I’d assume some of it has to do with the way I present myself and carry myself, which sucks. I guess I come off as a person that’s easily taken advantage of, a whore, whatever.
Maybe I’m just not the mentally mature person I’ve thought I was for the past year or so. Maybe I just need to live life more. Maybe I just need more experience than on the computer. I don’t know. I hate looking at how impossible it is for me to live in the place I’ve grown up in. I was in the shower and thinking about it. If I’m not going to live in my parents house, and I’m not going to earn a degree, I can’t live in Montgomery County. That thought crushes me more than imaginable. I hate how unfair it is. I remember looking up how much it costs to live where Tim lives, and where Josh lives, it costs like 3-4 times more to live here, to rent an apartment. Why is it like that? Why can’t I just afford to live in the place I grew up? Why am I so selfish and think life is unfair?
I guess I’m just a spoiled girl from the U.S. who has no fucking idea how hard life is. I guess I need to get spontaneous and live through some experiences that would really make me understand a bit better how other people have to live.
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