Category Archives: Emo

Lifee!

Herro~
So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:
Jaundice

Bruise from blood being drawn:
Bruise

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:
Ice

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.
yum

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!
IV

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.
hand

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx

I miss Mike.

I wish I could get him out of my fucking head. He hasn’t talked to me in almost a month and a half. Some how this time it feels much longer. I’m surprised it’s not longer. I guess it feels longer because I somehow in my heart think he’s not coming back this time. I think the last time I’ll ever have spoke to him was an argument about something I found silly. But whatever, I guess I should know better, right? He’s done this to me so many times since I’ve known him. I’ve called it his ‘disappearing’ trick. there was one time where he didn’t talk to me for a year. A year, even when me e-mailing things like: ‘Hey, how are you? I hope everything is okay, I hope you’re not working yourself to death’ every few weeks. He was deleting my e-mails. How awesome is that?

The reasons why I think he’s never going to come back is because the last time we talked was an argument, so it’s not even just that he’s busy with work and can’t make time to say hi, even though that may help him avoid me. And, I had told him I would give us a second shot if he could decide that he could make time in his life for me. His parents own a business and he gets that business when they give it to him. If he has an international girlfriend, it’ll be difficult to run the business. My theory is that he’s decided ‘I’m not going to do this’ but instead of telling me he’s avoiding me. He’s not just avoiding me, he also is busy with work.

I wish I could get him out of my head. I wish I could stop thinking how he could fix my tears when I have a bad day. I wish I could stop thinking we were so happy, I wish I could have it again. If he’s done with me, I wish I could be done with him.

Sadness

League of Legends is a security blanket. When I play League of Legends I don’t think about the things in my life that bother me. League of Legends is an addiction for me. When League of Legends goes bad, I become a heaped mess of sadness, tears, and depression. I know, this is incredibly sad. I’m just a sick individual. But no need to be in denial about it.

I would say for the last 2 months or so I have had fun only a small portion of the time I was playing League. Lately though it’s been really bad. I’ve been not only not having fun, but been really upset about what’s going on. A few weeks ago I uninstalled after a series of games where I just wasn’t having fun. I decided it would be best if I uninstalled because I could do things that made more sense (homework). I uninstalled for 5 days and reinstalled after having a good day at school, expecting to be able to play the way I did prior to having shitty games. I think I got worse in the time I wasn’t playing.

I don’t feel like writing amymore.

fml

Saturday night…

So Saturday night I had one of my ‘pain’ attacks. I’ve had these ever so often since… I think my first one I was still with Mike. So that’s years ago. Years of these things. But not too often really. Anyway. I’m not sure I’ve ever explained the attacks on here before. I have to a few people that are close to me. Essentially it’s a rapid onset of pain. It makes it so I can’t move. If I move I will have trouble breathing and I will probably throw up. To make it easier on myself I just kinda writhe in bed. In the past I always assumed it was a gas thing or an acid reflux sorta thing. It would be this continuing pain from my chest, I guess it would kinda start in my stomach and radiate up. But then it went to my back. It was just bad. Anyway, I had one of these attacks on Saturday. The issue was, the pain in my chest didn’t stop. I couldn’t sleep. I got my parents involved. I’m never in enough pain to get anyone but close people online involved, and that’s usually after it happens. My dad chalked it up to acid reflux or heartburn or something. So I took a lot of heartburn stuff, anti bloating stuff, and it helped, but I couldn’t sleep. It was very frustrating, and very painful. I couldn’t sleep the next night either. So I made an appointment. A doctor’s appointment. Quick thing about me; I hate doctors. I have avoided doctors successfully for 10 years.

My doctor is pretty awesome though. He had me run blood work on Monday, he called me Monday night after he scheduled an ultrasound for me the next day. Then he told me over the phone some enzyme was high and I probably had gallstones. He wanted more blood tests to make sure I didn’t have hepatitis. This morning I had more blood work and an ultrasound. Ultrasound technician had some trouble, I feel kinda bruised from it :( But regardless, I have ‘too many gallstones to count’ so I need surgery. My doctor said they’d just pluck the stones out, but I have an appointment with my surgeon on Friday. I guess, possibly he’d take the gallbladder out completely. I don’t know. I kinda hope not. Sounds more serious than just plucking them out.

Regardless. This just goes to show my eating habits of kinda fasting and eating big meals… can’t do that. Also can’t eat these hugely fatty meals without consequence. Not sure how well I can work it out since it’s engrained into me to eat this way… but the pain sucked and hopefully it’ll motivate me to be better. :)

I need to go to bed because the pain is starting to get to me when it hasn’t been here all night. Would be a shame to not get sleep because of pain when I’ve been up all day with no pain!

<3, Alyx

Epiphany

So now I understand why League of Legends is an addiction for me. I use League of Legends as a mindless activity I do. While I’m playing it I really don’t think about my surroundings, my life. I don’t think about the things that bother me on a day to day basis. I don’t think about how much I hate my life when I play League of Legends. Sometimes I play too long at a time and I get into a bad mood from a bad game, or from a series of bad games… and then it’s like my protection failed so I have even more to be upset about.

Then I start thinking about how LITERALLY my life is League of Legends. Every waking moment of my free time in the last 2-3 weeks I have only played League. I haven’t even spent time on school work at home because I’ll play League instead. I have no motivation for anything I need to get done. Things I really need to do, absolutely need to do I avoid doing because of League. I haven’t cleaned my gecko’s tank even though I’ve been needing to do it for 3 weeks. I then get upset when geckos die because I don’t prioritize them the way they should be prioritized. Wow, I am a sick human being. But not just for that reason I guess.

If you knew what this house looked like. If you knew the state of disrepair I have lived in my whole life… maybe some of my issues could be explained that way. I have never lived in a normal home and I have never had a friend over — IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. My room gets worse as the days go by. It was normal at some point in time for some period of time, but I have no idea when that will ever happen again. My dresser is broken so I have nowhere to put clothes, so they’re on the floor. Mingled with trash, etc. Oh that’s not considering how the dogs make the house disgusting too. There are so many just absolutely disgusting things about this house that if a normal person came in here without psychological barriers they would be scarred for life, and I’ve lived here my entire life. It actually could probably be featured on one of those tv shows.

But anyway, I digress. I hate my life. I have no motivation to fix it, and that’s where League of Legends comes in. I play League of Legends to run away from my problems, to not have to face my demons. Talking to people doesn’t help because… well the only thing that will make me better is to take steps towards being happy about my life, and I don’t do that because all I do as soon as I get near my computer is play League. Whilst obligation after obligation stacks up or comes and goes.

And of course someone close to me hasn’t talked to me in a while which bothers me, but I don’t need to get into that. Need to just not think about it and leave it as it is.

yay life. yay adult hood.

If you died tomorrow would you be happy about the state of your life today? I wouldn’t.

Easy to please

You know, it’s not that hard to say something I want to hear. It really isn’t. Trying to fix me and all this stuff, is completely unnecessary. I realized exactly what I want to hear anytime I’m in a bad mood, and no one ever does it this way. They try to talk all this smooth shit at me. This is all it takes people:

MindALot (8:08): sorry things not going well – hope you find something to make you happy soon.
Lyxie (8:08): Thanks. I appreciate it.

That is literally all it takes. Please, do not tell me how great I am and flatter me when I’m upset. Also, don’t tell me what I should’ve done to fix the situation. Just tell me it’ll be okay, or you hope it’ll be okay, or something like that. That’s all.

When in doubt, talk to Emmie

Hey… so yeah. The last week or so I’ve really wanted someone to talk to, but I don’t have anyone that I feel comfortable talking to so I’ll just talk here. I’ve been incredibly depressed and anxious lately. And the way I work is I have barriers against lots of bad things that would drive me crazy if I didn’t have barriers… because of these barriers, anytime one little thing makes me upset it usually makes me think about other things, and my barriers go down and I explode with sadness and anxiety because I think of all the things I normally protect myself against. Lately I’ve felt really lonely. I don’t know if it’s just loneliness, or just feeling alone. I don’t know how I could explain those differences, but there probably is a difference between them. I do feel worried about being alone romantically, but I don’t want a relationship right now. I think I just would like someone to talk to on a regular basis, on a quasi intimate basis. The one thing I miss the most about any relationship I’ve had is having someone to talk to before bed. I don’t really have someone like that in my life. I used to. For a long time I didn’t, and then I did, and having it again, I got kinda used to it. Having it after a long time when I didn’t have it made me realize how much I missed it and want it in my life. I’m not ready for a relationship, I definitely am not. There is so much I need to learn how to do for me instead of someone else. My life has pretty much revolved around someone else for the last 10 years.

I guess what I want is a relationship without a relationship, but I am not capable of such a thing. I want someone to cuddle me, someone to say nice things to me, someone to love me and hear me bitch about how much my life sucks… without feeling like I need to do everything in my power to do everything for ‘him’ and ‘us’. And that’s not possible, so I guess I can’t have someone to just lay down and chat with at night before I go to bed. I think one thing I really need to decide and make a decision on within the next 6 months to a year whether it’s a good idea to meet Mike IRL or not. All logic says that I can’t get involved in a relationship with someone unless they are within driving distance of me. Mike certainly is not within driving distance. However my heart says if I didn’t meet him I would regret it. I feel like I would think about it in any relationship in the future. He was a great love in my life and the ending was so open ended. There was no closure. I was supposed to meet him on my birthday and it was going to be the best birthday ever. And it didn’t happen. Maybe this birthday. That would be cool. I think it would be nice to meet him because we were so in love, and it was tragic that we broke up. But at the same time… I need a physical relationship at this point in my life. In his defense he is pretty well off and could afford to see me much more often than I’m used to at this point… but I don’t know. Every close friend I have has advised me not to get involved with him. *sighs* I don’t know.

Anyway. Back to today. I slept until 11:30 or something. I guess it’s the catching up on sleep from the long week thing. I got on the right track right away and started doing homework stuff. The problem with my homework stuff is that it’s statistics and I assume statistics is pretty straight forward without reading the textbook, which is not entirely true. However the problem with this situation is that I work all week and have little time or energy to be reading 3 chapters a week in my statistics book. So today when I started doing my homework I freaked out when I couldn’t make excel do what I wanted it to do with probabilities. My frustration comes from my lack of drive to stay on top of this class when it’s a 5 week class. But I freaked out and started crying because I didn’t want to try anymore and I didn’t think I could read what I needed to read in the amount of time I have left. This stuff is due tomorrow at 11PM. It’s all probability stuff which I remember doing decently on in a past class but for some reason I can’t remember the specifics. There’s also some logical thinking involved that doesn’t come straight out of the book. In general, I do terribly when you have to apply logic that wasn’t learned from fact. Anyway, the fit from statistics turned into a fit about school and worrying about next semester, and then it turned into a fit about my future, and then it turned into a fit of epic loneliness, and then it turned into a fit about missing Daniel and his family. I took a shower to try to get myself out of the rut, and it just made it worse. I just sat in the hot water and thought about things. I just sat there and thought so hard.

And then something just completely wrecked me. I heard Daniel’s voice in my head. his brother is very delayed developmentally, he has problems. He’s special needs. He couldn’t say my name for a very long time because it’s kind of hard to say in Portuguese. It was so exciting when he first started to call me by my name, he recognized me as a person instead of a stranger just visiting. Anyway… in my head I heard him say ‘Oi Ay’ he can’t say ‘Alyx’ so he says ‘Ay’ sounds like eye. I heard his voice in my head and I just curled up in a ball and started bawling. I was trying my best to not make loud noises because I didn’t want anyone in the house to hear me. I heard it over and over again and started ‘whining’ it. You know sometimes when you’re crying or really upset and you just… whine stuff even know no one is with you and no one can hear you? I just said ‘Oi Ay’ over and over. I thought about how much I missed Daniel, and Brazil, and how there was so much I was losing. I wasn’t just losing Daniel. His family cared about me, his mom took care of me when I was sick. His family showed concern for my well being. His family accepted me even though I was completely different from them and could not even communicate with them. When I was in Brazil it was like life was carefree. It was like I was actually living life for once. I wasn’t stuck in my head. I wasn’t stuck with choices and thoughts and weighing my options and wondering what would happen if I did this or that. I was simply with my boyfriend, a best friend, we were just having fun together. We got sick around the same time, we just… experienced life together. I can’t have that. I can’t think to myself ‘Everything I do is for us, everything I do is so I can experience that again’. Those thoughts have gotten me through the last 3 years of my life. I will never have Rafa (Daniel’s brother) pull my hair again because I am taking his attention. Everyone goes ‘NAO RAFA, SOLTA!’

I will never be able to hug mamae again when I am sick and in pain. I have cried in his mother’s arms before. I don’t remember the last time I’ve ever done that to my mother. Mamae would hug me all day if I needed it. That woman loved me even though she feared I would take her son to another country, from her. I am losing so much more than just Daniel and my relationship with him, and that thought crushed me for hours today. I cried for majority of 3-4 hours today… because I heard ‘Oi Ay’. i think what really bothers me about this though… is Daniel’s response is like ‘Don’t worry you’ll find someone!’ It’s not even that. I don’t think I have an irrational fear of being alone forever. I am just coping and dealing with the sadness of losing my relationship and my relationships with his whole family. I would do anything for them. I wish it could’ve worked. It’s too hard though, it’s too much. It’s too difficult for both of us.

I have so many things I need to work on before I get into another relationship. The first of my huge goals I need to achieve is get my license. I really think having my license will help me with a lot of my problems. I think it’ll make me feel less bad about myself, but it directly affects my problems. For instance, one way I could work out on a regular basis is swimming. If I had a gym membership I could swim whenever I could get there to swim. (assuming the gym I’m thinking of has a pool). I also could have a ride to the grocery store to actually buy food that isn’t fast food. Half the time I’m hungry I order pizza because there is no food in the house and I have no way to actually go somewhere to buy food to make. I actually would have time and energy to just get away when I needed to. It takes so much time and energy to use public transportation. I would have the time and ability to actually go hang out with people because I would have a way to get there. After that… I’m not sure. I have had a draft of a list/time frame for things. Most of the things I’d like to be done before the end of ’11. Let me think… Clean my room (again, it was good for a few months, but my dresser is broken so all my clothes are on the floor), so a kinda joint part of clean my room is ‘buy a new dresser’, I think I just added to this list ‘reformat computer’ because when cleansing that’s also a good thing to do. One thing I want done, I wish I could do it before ’11 is over, but I think it’s not plausible: buy a car.

Anyway. I’m gonna headout since I’ve now apparently written 1800+ words in this entry…

Dark cloud

I don’t remember the last time I’ve sincerely been depressed. This is entirely different from anything I’ve had recently. It’s on a different scale. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some attacks lately, but they are just explosions of shit kept inside, they don’t last past the actually attack. This is depression. I don’t remember the last time I’ve cried myself into having a headache, and in doing so being tired enough to actually go to sleep.

This was a draft, I don’t know when I wrote it, so I’ll just post it.

Empty? Wordless? I dunno.

Today was actually one of the worst days of my life. It’s one of those things where everything just piles on top of you until you lose it. It just so happens that I lost it in an airport. I don’t want to type a lot about it becasuse I am exhausted and drained.

I am single. Daniel didn’t get his visa…

I lost my wallet while traveling, I had the most alone 10+ minutes of my life, and then I got my wallet back.

I’m home. I see little to no joy in life.

Night.