Heya!
So, my ‘lifestyle change’ is so up and down that it’s pretty crazy. I’m pretty good with my soda addiction. I’ve had it under control for months. I can have a sip here and there, and a can here and there, and whatever, and I don’t HAVE to drink it all the time. It’s a great feeling. To taste it and feel like it’s disgusting. WONDERFUL. I wish I could train my body to do that with other things that are bad for me. Anyway… so I think with me it’s all a matter of getting into the habit of things… the scheduling of this here, this there, that there. Always making this a priority, etc. And I’m having trouble managing time that way. It feels good to exercise, but I can’t work myself up to do it easily. If I could do it regularlly I think it’d make it easier to meet my goals. I think I’d have more energy. I think I would be able to sleep better…
Anyway. Any words of encouragement? Any schedule suggestions? need me to write out what I do currently? Or rather what I’ll do in the fall?
I am one of those people that is touched by stories of humanity. The internet easily circulates those sort of stories. And I find myself touched by them. Maybe overly so, maybe creepily, stalkerishly so. It’s just so easy to use the internet to help your curiosity and nosiness. I have a very close friend where it’s hard to consider her a real friend in some ways, just because she’s 15 and I’m 23. However sometimes it’s really like we’re best friends and I can depend on her when there’s no one else. Sometimes I feel like it’s hard to trust her. Not in the sense where I can’t say things to her, but in the sense where I don’t necessarily believe her. But anyway, sometime last week or week before, I texted her about coming to the gym, and her response was very blunt. ‘I don’t think I can. My best friend killed himself last night.’ My heart sank. Generally, I’ve always been very aggressive towards suicides. In the last year or so I’ve lightened up some what. I know that it’s not socially appropriate to tell someone who just lost someone close to them, ‘They deserved it.’ I guess I still just find it hard to sympathize in most cases. Suicide, to me, is the most selfish act you could possibly commit. Don’t you think about your friends and family before you do it? My guess would be in at least 98% of cases of suicide, they have SOMEONE in their life that loves them and is affected when they are gone. And probably in more than half, they have a ridiculous outpouring of people who love them and care, so it’s insanely selfish. That’s why I’ve always been a bitch towards the news of a suicide. If they’re so selfish, then they deserve it.
But for some reason, when that friend of mine texted me. I felt very sympathetic towards the situation; before I even knew about it. That’s where the internet comes in, and facilitates the nosy stalker in me. I pretty much found out right away who it was. Facebook is disgusting like that. I think to some extent a death should be a private sort of mourning for friends and family. Maybe in some ways the internet also helps facilitate that. But at the same time, what if the family didn’t really want the whole world knowing this and that about this person?
Well, anyway. This whole thing has really inspired me. I don’t know if the inspiration will lead me to success or finality, but I’ll try. When certain opportunities to be helpful come along, I generally take them.
I hope to finish this book, and have it sell well. I’d like to be able to start organizations, or give funds to existing organizations on educating people. I’d like people to be educated about suicide and what it does to people. I’d like to educate people on equality. Teens and parents alike need to know that what they say or do can echo an eternity (not to quote Gladiator or anything, lol <3).I really don’t know much about what happened. But if this kid really was bullied because they were different, and said bullying may have had something to do with this kid killing them self… well that’s something that I find unacceptable.
Heya. Any unhealthy people out there reading this? Well, I wanted to try to help you out. I’ve been thinking for a bit now about my mounting risk for health problems such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, etcetc. due to my weight, lifestyle, eating habits, etc.
For the past year, or more I’ve had my mind torment me with motivation to be a more healthy person. I have struggled with the starting point of the change of lifestyle. But I guess there was always that underlying fear of not being able to get healthy because of my psychological problems with food. So that factor alone would defeat my whole mindset, and I’d never start going with my fights against my unhealthy weight and lack of movement. I started multiple times with trying to drink water, with trying to exercise, etc.
However now, I really think I have the right motivation; prevention. If I start being healthy now, I don’t have to regret shit in 10 years. I don’t have to worry about my health as a demon when I’m trying to worry about raising my children and taking care of the house and husband, and job, etc. Even small changes in my lifestyle can make it so I’m doing that much more for myself. I’ve read that losing just 5-10lbs is that much better for you. And exercising even a little bit is better than none. So I know I’m an all or nothing kind of person, but I can’t do that with this. I gotta do what I can. I’m drinking water instead of soda. Anytime I crave it, I look at it and think, ‘It’s not worth diabetes.’ And it makes it that much easier. It’s better motivation than ‘I want to be healthy’. It’s a more specific reason. ‘I want to prevent the onset of these diseases, since I am able to prevent them.’ And on the way to prevention I’ll get rewards like looking, and feeling better.
I’m already taking active steps towards living this prevention lifestyle. They’re small steps, but you have to start somewhere. I’ve been actively putting less butter in my noodles, and less cheese. I want to try to eat smaller meals, more often. That will be really tough with my job, but I’ll do my best. I also want to make a list of ‘healthier’ foods that I think I will eat, or will be able to try to adjust to eating, instead of fast food everyday. I really would like to exercise everyday even if it’s a bit, but I really want to make the time to exercise at least an hour a day.
Anyway. I really want YOU to be healthier, too. Even if you’re skinny, you can’t eat crap all the time… you can still get sick, you can still get these diseases. I got lots of great information from this website, and if you have trouble getting motivation, maybe try prevention as your motivation. http://www.diabetes.org
Stuff has been CRAZY the last few weeks, for real. The gym is doing really well, it’s great for my sister and anyone else who put money into the business. I’m glad for them that it’s going well. It’s a catch-22 for me. It’s really great that we get more kids, because we get more staff, and it means less weight is lifted off my shoulders. But at the same time, having more people means I’m in there waayy more than I was in the beginning.
Anyway, having long hours makes me stressed on the weekends. I kinda wish my long days were more spread out. It’s kinda sad when I tolerate a 8-10 hour day really well, but then when I have a 12-14 hour day, I just lose my fuckin’ mind. Had a fight with my dad after one of those long days. Just absolutely lost my shit. We had a screaming match for a good 10 minutes, took me at least 30 to calm down.
Moving on… I’m REALLY proud of myself. Like super siked. Generally the way I have always worked, at least in the past… is getting what I want to get done all at once. If I don’t get it done all at once, I feel like I’ll never get it done. Same with when I want something. If I want to get something, my motivation is so great that if I don’t get it then, I feel like it’s no point in getting it later unless I get it then. IE. the webcam I got to do videos on facebook with people… Anyway, so my point is, I’m proud of myself because I’ve essentially done my room the way I want it, without having a huge allotted time to do it in. I’ve done it collectively over time, which is kind of unheard of for me. I had so much motivation to change my living space into something more livable and healthy, that I started around Thanksgiving break, continued in some of Christmas break, and bought my furniture, and have been making smaller efforts on my short days of work, or my Fridays off. Seriously, doing that kind of overhaul over time is something UNHEARD OF, for me. There are certain things I’d like to change that are somewhat out of my hands… but if you saw the before and after, you’d understand why I’m pleased. To a normal person my room currently would probably be terribad, but to me it’s getting better and being livable, and I’m already more cheery, even when things don’t go well at work, and I’m there long hours.
The things that are out of my hands are like… house repairs, sorta? Things that really… someone should be called in to fix. Or my dad, or some big burly man, or some butch lesbian should fix for me. Also, I’d like a new, clean door. I’d also like to scrape the SHIT that is smeared on my wall from my brother and the VOMIT that is on my wall from when my brother used to live here and he never cleaned it up. Yes, these are the sanitary conditions I have lived in my whole life. Power to my parents, right? Word. Anyway, steering AWAY from ranting now. I’d also like a new window (dad fix) in one of my windows, I’d like the hole in my wall to go away, as well as the hole in the ceiling, and maybe a new cooat of paint. I took the effort to vacuum on the ceiling and walls where cobb webs were, so that makes it feel more clean. I also started taking up tile in my room. There’s hardwood floor under it! It makes it look less dirty. The tile is so fucking GROSS. Like 30 years of grime and bullshit and yucky on them. I haven’t finished taking the tile up yet. Each time I do one of these overhaul sessions, it takes a sincere toll on my body. Lift these heavy furniture boxes into my room, then putting the stuff together, then lifting pieces to fit onto other pieces, then moving them where I want them to go. All of that stuff. Generally furniture situations happen when you’re moving to a new place. So it’s exciting and you have friends come over and help you. Yeah, I don’t have that option. So I’m doing everything by myself. But my dad has to help me sometimes when I screw up.
Anyway, wanna see pictures? I got too into it and it’s hard to see progress I guess, lol. I thought I had more ‘in between’ pictures’ Buttt I guess not, too. >:
Progress, I swear! lol. Note the shovel...
See? Not really progress... just kinda done.
I hate to upset people... but honestly. I look fucking gay. In a bad way.
I can has floor! See how nasty the tile is? gross, son.
Duvet comforter from IKEA. All those colors are TOTALLY me.
I think this is showing that my bed is together. The biggest struggle has been finding space for all of my stuff while deconstructing and constructing furniture...
Nice bed. BIG bed. Gross window sill and walls...
Desk from IKEA. Took me FOR.EV.R. to put together. It made me cry. Literally. Not sure if you can see on the big version of it, but I scratched it all up in the process of putting it together.
There was this qt spider on the underbelly of my old mattress.
Magicians, fix my wall pls ;.;! I think you can tell in this picture that I don't have my shit together yet. I just put stuff down where I can until it has it's on 'place'. Need to organize. For real.
My 'in progress' clean room. Again, putting stuff where I can because it doesn't have it's on place yet! Grrr~
Tomorrow is my day off, and I think I’ll put together my dresser tomorrow. My desk literally took me 6+ hours to make, so I’m hoping I’m not nearly as challenged with the dresser, so I can make my dresser and my book shelves.
Anyway. It took lots of energy to compile this entry. I think I’ll go to sleep now. Wish me luck for tomorrow! Bob the Builder, can we do it? YES ME CAN!
I need to remember to post pictures of the progress in my room. I’ve made significant enough progress that I don’t need days set aside to finish it, I think. I’m too tired to post stuff now, however for anyone who has been rooting for my progress, you’ll be so excited! Not as excited as me, but ya.
I’ve bought a new desk from Ikea, and a new dresser. I haven’t set them up yet, and I also need my bed and book shelves. They were too long to fit in the car.
I have positivity since I’ve cleaned my room. I have sincere aspirations in my heart to be more healthy… if only being sincere helped execution.
I have a stomach ache from eating too late. I need to fall asleep because I’m taking Schnee for a check up in the morning… but I think my stomach ache will make it next to impossible to fall asleep like I need to… I guess I’ll go try to fall asleep.
Oh yeah… Daniel was grumpy today. I felt down because I couldn’t help him feel better. I felt like such a failure as a girlfriend. I know he’ll feel better when he wakes up… but it makes me feel so incompetent that I can’t bring a smile to his face when he needs it most. I tried to stay positive while it was happening, ‘You need to keep trying, you can’t always give up when he gets upset, you have to find ways to try to support him like he does for you!’
I’m not sure what I deserved to have such a shitty life. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t worship a deity, or because of all of my laziness. I don’t know what it is that makes it so I deserve all of this shit. I’m not sure if I’m just being a drama queen, or if it’s warranted that I think this has been the worst year of my life. Maybe life is a give and take kind of thing. So I guess in theory I got to see Daniel which was more than I deserved, so in turn I had to deal with death, stress, etc. all year.
Is it wrong for me to see all of it as unfair? Am I so selfish for feeling like life is unfair to me, when there are people in the world who don’t eat? When there are people in the world with cancer? When there are people in this world without a roof over there head or a meal in their stomach? Of course. I’m a brat for feeling like it’s unfair for me to work three 12 hour days in a row, and then have to come in the next day even though I had planned to have that day off. Of course I’m a brat, because my mom and brother are there all day just the same. And aren’t there people in the world who REALLY work for very little?
Then it must be wrong for me to think it’s unfair that I have been surrounded by death, for at the very least, the last 6 months. My aunt killed herself this past may. No one liked her, but my uncle did. Very much. He adored her. And everyone adores him. 6 weeks later my uncle died, from the same side of the family. The youngest of 5 brothers, dead. Michael Jackson died around the same time, and Farrah Faucett. People kept dying after that (not people I knew, but experiencing death first hand not long before made it touching in all the wrong ways to watch about these people dying. One of my mom’s cousins died shortly after the deaths on my mom’s side of the family. Our family bird, Wilbird died some time later. During these deaths more famous people died, and we all watched on TV about their lives and felt touched as if we knew them. More recently, a few weeks ago Jerry Walsh died. He was a family friend whom I saw just over the summer. Last weekend my baby, Cezzie died.
I always feel targeted when life shits on me. For months, nay, a year, I’ve wanted nothing more than to clean my room and repaint and refurnish so I could live in a livable space apart from the rest of this dumpster. I made a valiant effort over Thanksgiving break to clean my room so I could put new furniture in. I had planned to take the time to get it finished during some of the days of Christmas break. Today was going to be my first day for that. By ‘shitting on me’ I mean that it’s not enough for life to just have one thing thrown at me. Instead, one thing stresses me out and I don’t even have time to recover before something else stresses me out. I’m constantly trying to get over the fact that I don’t really have friends besides Daniel, and maybe Lizzie. And that’s always stressing, but then I have the added stress of my job, and wondering when I’ll see my boyfriend again, and the stress of my gecko getting sick, and the stress of taking her to a vet, and the stress of long hours at work, and the stress of spending money on Christmas, and the stress of living in this house, and the stress of my gecko dying, and the stress of self-loathing from not getting through school, and the stress of wanting to try school again but not having the money, and the stress of back to back long days at work, and the stress of worrying and stressing my boyfriend out, and the stress of not getting to do things I want to do, and the stress of finally having the motivation to do something (ie. clean my room), only to be shot down again by not being able to find the trash bags.
A few things:
I just took a shower, and I suddenly love the sent of Freesia. I’m tempted to find a body spray or perfume to make all of my belongings have a nice smell (not overbearing) of Freesia. My hair smells like this now, and it’s overwhelmingly amazing. You get small whiffs of amazing scent… but it doesn’t smother you.
Sometimes it’s nice to not have much time for me and my boyfriend, because then when we get to spend time together, it’s like a hit of some awesome drug. We meant to go to bed at least an hour ago, but just got caught up in talking and liking each others’ company. I’m concerned that I’m going to start losing my sanity though. I miss him a lot (like physically, I wanna hug him and laugh with him and watch movies with him). I hope that our time apart will pay off with a particular goody I want in life; him to come here. We theorize that since he now has a public job (something that can be equated to a federal job here), it will hopefully count as a big enough ‘tie’ to Brazil. He got rejected for his Visa because he didn’t have enough ties to Brazil. It sucks though, because as soon as that dawned on me, I really just have had my hopes up ever since… Kinda like expecting him to be visiting the U.S. in 6 months to a year. Omg if that nigga came here during the winter. Oh my poor tropical baby. T_T!!
Anyway. I’m going to crawl into bed and dream of me and my lovey.
Sometime he might read this so this is to him:
Eu te amo, Dani! Muito, muito muito! Meu peixeeee, beijobeijobeijo.
I’ve been wanting to post this for a few days now, but I had USB problems with my camera. For any of you who are clean freaks, or very judgmental, I’d try to skip this post… or close your eyes when the pictures come. Also, if you work for the health department, or know who someone who does… please don’t get us in trouble. This house is better than not having one at all.
Any of you who have read this blog, you’ll probably have experienced my ranting about the state of this house. Now every time I’ve raved about the subject, I’m fairly certain your imagination didn’t do it justice. For months now, probably more like a year, I’ve wanted to redo my room. Completely redo it. I wanted to repaint the walls, buy a new bed, buy a new tv stand situation, buy book shelves so my books will suffer no longer. I had a check for 900-some dollars sometime last year, and I didn’t touch any of it. For the longest time I didn’t even put it in the bank or cash it. I kept it in my room so I wouldn’t use it. 900-some dollars, to redo my room. Then we started Dynamite, and I realized I should cash it before the expiration date, so that Cherie couldn’t keep the money from me. (Cherie is my boss who has made a bit of dramatics from my mom, Corey, and I leaving Silver Stars) So I actually then kept the money in a savings account that has interest. I really haven’t had the time or motivation to start cleaning my room.
Imagine having about a foot, or 30 cms of trash, clothes, possible food, dog feces, dog urine, dog vomit, caked to those clothes or trash… this whole mixture serving as the ‘floor’ of your room. Well, this has been my existance most of my life. I’ve only really had the floor of my room a few times in my life. I’ve actually never seen the floor of my parents room. I think they have more like a foot and a half of all of that on the floor. Probably less dog-bodily-functions, because the dogs are not allowed in their room. Well, anyway. Our house has been a cause of dismay my entire life. I’ve never had a friend over. Ever. I’ve been around this long 23 years, and I’ve never had a friend over. Anytime friends come over to see me, I have to awkwardly close the door in a rapid fashion, and stand on the front porch. I’ve had to lie my whole life as to why so and so can’t stop by for a few minutes, or why we can’t have card night at my house, or any of those things. It’s really a shame because my parents are very cool and would be fine with me having people here until whenever I wanted. I think when I get my own place the first thing I want to do is have a friend over. Maybe before I even put anything in it. Just have a friend over. Maybe have a sleep over.
Anyway, the reason why I’ve been so open about it lately, is because it’s just how I am. Why should I hide it? So you can judge me and run away? Go for it. It’s not my fault I was raised in this environment, and it’s taken me until now to try to really get my part of the house in shape. But I can’t really fix the hole in my ceiling, or my wall. I can’t really put windows in my windows (I only have storm windows in my windows, so every time winter rolls along, it’s around 40 degrees in my room every night, if I’m lucky. You can judge me all you like, but keep in mind that I’m at least trying to change it. The real people you should judge is my parents. Last week I asked them how they even let it get like this. I wonder why my mother just can’t throw shit away. I wonder why my father will spend money on a new car instead of the roof getting repaired. I wonder why my mom can stand having piles of clothes and random shit she doesn’t need, surrounding her. Generally the backseat of her car is constantly filled with random shit. Her trunk? Never empty. And if you saw the kitchen where her leotard-situation is, you’d be amazed. Speaking of kitchen. We don’t even have a working sink in the kitchen. There’s constantly a stack of dishes in the bathroom. All of my pet peeves in this house, this shit that breaks my barrier (You have to build a barrier to actually live here. Otherwise, you’d go insane. It’s not a livable place), when my barrier’s broken… I really feel on the verge of a panic attack; my chest gets tight, I feel really nervous. But having a pile of dishes to move everytime I want to brush my teeth, is just something that bothers the shit out of me.
Anyway. The gym was closed from Wednesday to Sunday, and I took a few of those days to clean up my room. I’ve probably spent 12-2o hours working on it so far. I want people to understand that change is possible. I want myself to understand that. Making this room livable to me, is one of my biggest, and most necessary goals of right now. I need to get it done. It’s unhealthy the way I’m living, and I need to change it. I wake up congested every day… and I really think my bed room has a huge role in that situation. When I was thinking about changing my room, I really compared it to those people who publish their successes with weight loss, or sobriety. I think it will inspire, or maybe it’ll just inspire me… to see the transformation of this place I’ve always called hell. Maybe I can’t make the whole house normal, and maybe I can’t have a friend over… but maybe, maybe I can have a place where I won’t feel like shit while I’m at home. I decided I’d like to document the changes my room will go through. I didn’t get a before picture, but the first pictures I’ve taken will give you an idea of the severity.
These pictures are a few days old, and I’ve actually spread everything out so it’s an even layer, and you can’t really see the floor anymore. It was getting mildly hazardless to walk with the different levels of terrain. I also wanted to dig out my chair so I could move it and not have such a hard time getting in and out of it. (I had so much stuff around my chair that it was pretty much locked where it was. This made it so I had little room to move. Now I can swivel, and don’t feel so caged in.) Today (my birthday) I was at work all day, but I think I’ll stay home tomorrow and clean some more… hopefully enough so I can take pictures and there will be a noticable difference.
"Yay, my floor!"
"Not incredibly realistic. Some of it was pushed up from lower terrain. You can also see how my chair is locked in."
"This is the hole in the wall (shows the bathroom), and the hole in the ceiling. When I was cleaning in that corner, I seriously was picking up leaves and sticks. IN MY ROOM!"
"Yes, that's a shovel. I also use a dust mask and gloves while cleaning. Also, I bought a new tv today, so that fat ass is going somewhere else. "
In other news, my birthday fucking sucked. No need to elaborate, because I’d like to go to bed… but it just blew. However, I did spend around… $500 today? Woo. I bought a new tv, and did my Christmas shopping online. I’m trying to get my credit score up. I think I don’t use my cards enough. I’m good at paying everything off, but I think I just don’t use them enough.
Well, anyway. I miss Daniel. I was looking at pictures from Brazil… and they just make me smile. I wish I had those smiles every day in my life. I hope we make it to that point, it’ll be so great. I can’t think of a person better to spend my life with. I know we can go through life’s ups and downs really well together. We’re a great team, and I know we can try to lead a happy life with minimal stress.
Gonna go to sleep. I hope no one hates me because of my room. But I’m fixing it.
P.S. I found my Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers pillow case while cleaning. It’s clean and I’m going to sleep with the original 5 tonight. If I don’t rest well, I am concerned for my well being.
"
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