Category Archives: Inspiration


So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:

Bruise from blood being drawn:

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx

I’m such a girl

I like reading posts like this:

XD I’m such a fucking girl, it’s stupid. wtb a good kisser? Actually I can only think of a few bad experiences with kissing. Most people I’ve kissed were decent. But these women tell stories of grandeur I guess.

Back to homework.

Saturday night…

So Saturday night I had one of my ‘pain’ attacks. I’ve had these ever so often since… I think my first one I was still with Mike. So that’s years ago. Years of these things. But not too often really. Anyway. I’m not sure I’ve ever explained the attacks on here before. I have to a few people that are close to me. Essentially it’s a rapid onset of pain. It makes it so I can’t move. If I move I will have trouble breathing and I will probably throw up. To make it easier on myself I just kinda writhe in bed. In the past I always assumed it was a gas thing or an acid reflux sorta thing. It would be this continuing pain from my chest, I guess it would kinda start in my stomach and radiate up. But then it went to my back. It was just bad. Anyway, I had one of these attacks on Saturday. The issue was, the pain in my chest didn’t stop. I couldn’t sleep. I got my parents involved. I’m never in enough pain to get anyone but close people online involved, and that’s usually after it happens. My dad chalked it up to acid reflux or heartburn or something. So I took a lot of heartburn stuff, anti bloating stuff, and it helped, but I couldn’t sleep. It was very frustrating, and very painful. I couldn’t sleep the next night either. So I made an appointment. A doctor’s appointment. Quick thing about me; I hate doctors. I have avoided doctors successfully for 10 years.

My doctor is pretty awesome though. He had me run blood work on Monday, he called me Monday night after he scheduled an ultrasound for me the next day. Then he told me over the phone some enzyme was high and I probably had gallstones. He wanted more blood tests to make sure I didn’t have hepatitis. This morning I had more blood work and an ultrasound. Ultrasound technician had some trouble, I feel kinda bruised from it :( But regardless, I have ‘too many gallstones to count’ so I need surgery. My doctor said they’d just pluck the stones out, but I have an appointment with my surgeon on Friday. I guess, possibly he’d take the gallbladder out completely. I don’t know. I kinda hope not. Sounds more serious than just plucking them out.

Regardless. This just goes to show my eating habits of kinda fasting and eating big meals… can’t do that. Also can’t eat these hugely fatty meals without consequence. Not sure how well I can work it out since it’s engrained into me to eat this way… but the pain sucked and hopefully it’ll motivate me to be better. :)

I need to go to bed because the pain is starting to get to me when it hasn’t been here all night. Would be a shame to not get sleep because of pain when I’ve been up all day with no pain!

<3, Alyx

#: 309

So, my ‘lifestyle change’ is so up and down that it’s pretty crazy. I’m pretty good with my soda addiction. I’ve had it under control for months. I can have a sip here and there, and a can here and there, and whatever, and I don’t HAVE to drink it all the time. It’s a great feeling. To taste it and feel like it’s disgusting. WONDERFUL. I wish I could train my body to do that with other things that are bad for me.  Anyway… so I think with me it’s all a matter of getting into the habit of things… the scheduling of this here, this there, that there. Always making this a priority, etc. And I’m having trouble managing time that way. It feels good to exercise, but I can’t work myself up to do it easily. If I could do it regularlly I think it’d make it easier to meet my goals. I think I’d have more energy. I think I would be able to sleep better…

Anyway. Any words of encouragement? Any schedule suggestions? need me to write out what I do currently? Or rather what I’ll do in the fall?

#: 277

I am one of those people that is touched by stories of humanity. The internet easily circulates those sort of stories. And I find myself touched by them. Maybe overly so, maybe creepily, stalkerishly so. It’s just so easy to use the internet to help your curiosity and nosiness. I have a very close friend where it’s hard to consider her a real friend in some ways, just because she’s 15 and I’m 23. However sometimes it’s really like we’re best friends and I can depend on her when there’s no one else. Sometimes I feel like it’s hard to trust her. Not in the sense where I can’t say things to her, but in the sense where I don’t necessarily believe her. But anyway, sometime last week or week before, I texted her about coming to the gym, and her response was very blunt. ‘I don’t think I can. My best friend killed himself last night.’ My heart sank. Generally, I’ve always been very aggressive towards suicides. In the last year or so I’ve lightened up some what. I know that it’s not socially appropriate to tell someone who just lost someone close to them, ‘They deserved it.’ I guess I still just find it hard to sympathize in most cases. Suicide, to me, is the most selfish act you could possibly commit. Don’t you think about your friends and family before you do it? My guess would be in at least 98% of cases of suicide, they have SOMEONE in their life that loves them and is affected when they are gone. And probably in more than half, they have a ridiculous outpouring of people who love them and care, so it’s insanely selfish. That’s why I’ve always been a bitch towards the news of a suicide. If they’re so selfish, then they deserve it.

But for some reason, when that friend of mine texted me. I felt very sympathetic towards the situation; before I even knew about it. That’s where the internet comes in, and facilitates the nosy stalker in me. I pretty much found out right away who it was. Facebook is disgusting like that. I think to some extent a death should be a private sort of mourning for friends and family. Maybe in some ways the internet also helps facilitate that. But at the same time, what if the family didn’t really want the whole world knowing this and that about this person?

Well, anyway. This whole thing has really inspired me. I don’t know if the inspiration will lead me to success or finality, but I’ll try. When certain opportunities to be helpful come along, I generally take them.

I hope to finish this book, and have it sell well. I’d like to be able to start organizations, or give funds to existing organizations on educating people. I’d like people to be educated about suicide and what it does to people. I’d like to educate people on equality. Teens and parents alike need to know that what they say or do can echo an eternity (not to quote Gladiator or anything, lol <3).I really  don’t know much about what happened. But if this kid really was bullied because they were different, and said bullying may have had something to do with this kid killing them self… well that’s something that I find unacceptable.


I didn’t know you, but R.I.P Aiden.

#: 265

Heya. Any unhealthy people out there reading this? Well, I wanted to try to help you out. I’ve been thinking for a bit now about my mounting risk for health problems such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, etcetc. due to my weight, lifestyle, eating habits, etc.

For the past year, or more I’ve had my mind torment me with motivation to be a more healthy person. I have struggled with the starting point of the change of lifestyle. But I guess there was always that underlying fear of not being able to get healthy because of my psychological problems with food. So that factor alone would defeat my whole mindset, and I’d never start going with my fights against my unhealthy weight and lack of movement. I started multiple times with trying to drink water, with trying to exercise, etc.

However now, I really think I have the right motivation; prevention. If I start being healthy now, I don’t have to regret shit in 10 years. I don’t have to worry about my health as a demon when I’m trying to worry about raising my children and taking care of the house and husband, and job, etc. Even small changes in my lifestyle can make it so I’m doing that much more for myself. I’ve read that losing just 5-10lbs is that much better for you. And exercising even a little bit is better than none. So I know I’m an all or nothing kind of person, but I can’t do that with this. I gotta do what I can. I’m drinking water instead of soda. Anytime I crave it, I look at it and think, ‘It’s not worth diabetes.’ And it makes it that much easier. It’s better motivation than ‘I want to be healthy’. It’s a more specific reason. ‘I want to prevent the onset of these diseases, since I am able to prevent them.’ And on the way to prevention I’ll get rewards like looking, and feeling better.

I’m already taking active steps towards living this prevention lifestyle. They’re small steps, but you have to start somewhere. I’ve been actively putting less butter in my noodles, and less cheese. I want to try to eat smaller meals, more often. That will be really tough with my job, but I’ll do my best. I also want to make a list of ‘healthier’ foods that I think I will eat, or will be able to try to adjust to eating, instead of fast food everyday. I really would like to exercise everyday even if it’s a bit, but I really want to make the time to exercise at least an hour a day.

Anyway. I really want YOU to be healthier, too. Even if you’re skinny, you can’t eat crap all the time… you can still get sick, you can still get these diseases. I got lots of great information from this website, and if you have trouble getting motivation, maybe try prevention as your motivation.

Thanks for reading,

#: 256

Heya! Finally, a post.

Stuff has been CRAZY the last few weeks, for real. The gym is doing really well, it’s great for my sister and anyone else who put money into the business. I’m glad for them that it’s going well. It’s a catch-22 for me. It’s really great that we get more kids, because we get more staff, and it means less weight is lifted off my shoulders. But at the same time, having more people means I’m in there waayy more than I was in the beginning.

Anyway, having long hours makes me stressed on the weekends. I kinda wish my long days were more spread out. It’s kinda sad when I tolerate a 8-10 hour day really well, but then when I have a 12-14 hour day, I just lose my fuckin’ mind. Had a fight with my dad after one of those long days. Just absolutely lost my shit. We had a screaming match for a good 10 minutes, took me at least 30 to calm down.

Moving on… I’m REALLY proud of myself. Like super siked. Generally the way I have always worked, at least in the past… is getting what I want to get done all at once. If I don’t get it done all at once, I feel like I’ll never get it done. Same with when I want something. If I want to get something, my motivation is so great that if I don’t get it then, I feel like it’s no point in getting it later unless I get it then. IE. the webcam I got to do videos on facebook with people… Anyway, so my point is, I’m proud of myself because I’ve essentially done my room the way I want it, without having a huge allotted time to do it in. I’ve done it collectively over time, which is kind of unheard of for me. I had so much motivation to change my living space into something more livable and healthy, that I started around Thanksgiving break, continued in some of Christmas break, and bought my furniture, and have been making smaller efforts on my short days of work, or my Fridays off. Seriously, doing that kind of overhaul over time is something UNHEARD OF, for me. There are certain things I’d like to change that are somewhat out of my hands… but if you saw the before and after, you’d understand why I’m pleased. To a normal person my room currently would probably be terribad, but to me it’s getting better and being livable, and I’m already more cheery, even when things don’t go well at work, and I’m there long hours.

The things that are out of my hands are like… house repairs, sorta? Things that really… someone should be called in to fix. Or my dad, or some big burly man, or some butch lesbian should fix for me. Also, I’d like a new, clean door. I’d also like to scrape the SHIT that is smeared on my wall from my brother and the VOMIT that is on my wall from when my brother used to live here and he never cleaned it up. Yes, these are the sanitary conditions I have lived in my whole life. Power to my parents, right? Word. Anyway, steering AWAY from ranting now. I’d also like a new window (dad fix) in one of my windows, I’d like the hole in my wall to go away, as well as the hole in the ceiling, and maybe a new cooat of paint. I took the effort to vacuum on the ceiling and walls where cobb webs were, so that makes it feel more clean. I also started taking up tile in my room. There’s hardwood floor under it! It makes it look less dirty. The tile is so fucking GROSS. Like 30 years of grime and bullshit and yucky on them.  I haven’t finished taking the tile up yet. Each time I do one of these overhaul sessions, it takes a sincere toll on my body. Lift these heavy furniture boxes into my room, then putting the stuff together, then lifting pieces to fit onto other pieces, then moving them where I want them to go. All of that stuff. Generally furniture situations happen when you’re moving to a new place. So it’s exciting and you have friends come over and help you. Yeah, I don’t have that option. So I’m doing everything by myself. But my dad has to help me sometimes when I screw up.

Anyway, wanna see pictures? I got too into it and it’s hard to see progress I guess, lol. I thought I had more ‘in between’ pictures’ Buttt I guess not, too. >:

Progress, I swear! lol. Note the shovel...
See? Not really progress... just kinda done.
I hate to upset people... but honestly. I look fucking gay. In a bad way.
I can has floor! See how nasty the tile is? gross, son.
Duvet comforter from IKEA. All those colors are TOTALLY me.
I think this is showing that my bed is together. The biggest struggle has been finding space for all of my stuff while deconstructing and constructing furniture...
Nice bed. BIG bed. Gross window sill and walls... :(
Desk from IKEA. Took me FOR.EV.R. to put together. It made me cry. Literally. Not sure if you can see on the big version of it, but I scratched it all up in the process of putting it together.
There was this qt spider on the underbelly of my old mattress.
Magicians, fix my wall pls ;.;! I think you can tell in this picture that I don't have my shit together yet. I just put stuff down where I can until it has it's on 'place'. Need to organize. For real.
My 'in progress' clean room. Again, putting stuff where I can because it doesn't have it's on place yet! Grrr~

Tomorrow is my day off, and I think I’ll put together my dresser tomorrow. My desk literally took me 6+ hours to make, so I’m hoping I’m not nearly as challenged with the dresser, so I can make my dresser and my book shelves.

Anyway. It took lots of energy to compile this entry. I think I’ll go to sleep now. Wish me luck for tomorrow! Bob the Builder, can we do it? YES ME CAN!

#: 254

I need to remember to post pictures of the progress in my room. I’ve made significant enough progress that I don’t need days set aside to finish it, I think. I’m too tired to post stuff now, however for anyone who has been rooting for my progress, you’ll be so excited! Not as excited as me, but ya.

I’ve bought a new desk from Ikea, and a new dresser. I haven’t set them up yet, and I also need my bed and book shelves. They were too long to fit in the car.

I have positivity since I’ve cleaned my room. I have sincere aspirations in my heart to be more healthy… if only being sincere helped execution.

I have a stomach ache from eating too late. I need to fall asleep because I’m taking Schnee for a check up in the morning… but I think my stomach ache will make it next to impossible to fall asleep like I need to… I guess I’ll go try to fall asleep.

Oh yeah… Daniel was grumpy today. I felt down because I couldn’t help him feel better. I felt like such a failure as a girlfriend. I know he’ll feel better when he wakes up… but it makes me feel so incompetent that I can’t bring a smile to his face when he needs it most. I tried to stay positive while it was happening, ‘You need to keep trying, you can’t always give up when he gets upset, you have to find ways to try to support him like he does for you!’

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