I just ran. I’m SO out of shape, it’s ridiculous. We have a rod floor that’s for our gymnasts to tumble on. And I did 10 laps down and back. Just asked my mom what the length of it is. 84 feet. So 1 lap is 168 feet. And all laps total, 1680 feet. But anyway. I did 5 and 5. After the second 5, I was really struggling. Water is so awesome. I’m really tired. I figured I’d get energy from expending energy, but I haven’t eaten yet… hopefully I’ll get energy from food.
Man I hate waking up early. And man I hope I can get into the habit of getting in shape. I want to be able to run around the lake with Daniel.
Heya!
So, my ‘lifestyle change’ is so up and down that it’s pretty crazy. I’m pretty good with my soda addiction. I’ve had it under control for months. I can have a sip here and there, and a can here and there, and whatever, and I don’t HAVE to drink it all the time. It’s a great feeling. To taste it and feel like it’s disgusting. WONDERFUL. I wish I could train my body to do that with other things that are bad for me. Anyway… so I think with me it’s all a matter of getting into the habit of things… the scheduling of this here, this there, that there. Always making this a priority, etc. And I’m having trouble managing time that way. It feels good to exercise, but I can’t work myself up to do it easily. If I could do it regularlly I think it’d make it easier to meet my goals. I think I’d have more energy. I think I would be able to sleep better…
Anyway. Any words of encouragement? Any schedule suggestions? need me to write out what I do currently? Or rather what I’ll do in the fall?
So… hello!
Basically I struggle to get on the good foot with eating right and exercising. It’s so hard to have the… or make the time to exercise. I work a lot, and I’ll be in school a lot. So I’m not sure how I’ll have time to exercise. I like to exercise at the gym, but I feel self conscious about doing it when people are there to watch me. One morning within the last two weeks I ran 10 laps in the gym. It was so nice. I was really stressed at the time and it just kinda… melted the stress away. So I think if I got into the habit of exercising it would be similar to an addiction. It would make my body work better, etc.
Anyway. I’m thinking that I might want to keep a blog here about my problems and successes. I want to get down to a size 12 or 14. Right now I can fit into some 18 stuff but I guess I’m more realistically a 20. It would be cool to be one of those positive stories of weight loss and happiness, etc. I would like it for multiple reasons. a). confidence. My face is gorgeous. If I had the body to go with it, I’d be a knock out. b). My bf. This is a multilevel reason. He’d like me to be smaller for many reasons. One of which is my health, another is simple vanity, another is like… for our interaction. Like sitting on his lap more comfortably, picking me up, etc. c). Health. d). Being more active; ie. tumbling in the gym, etc. e). Curbing anxiety. Being obese is like… I’m pretty sure it affects the hormones. Not positive… but being active definitely curbs my anxiety a bit. But also… when you’re obese falling down or hurting yourself seems even more daunting with every extra pound. Try falling on your hands and knees with a 50 lb vest on. I’m sure that shit will hurt.
So? Who feels like cheering me to size 14? 12? 10? gasp :O 10 I guess will be my ultimate goal since that’s the avg for American women… I think. lol
Emmie,
Now is one of those times when you’re all I have. Which is okay because I can cry on your shoulder and then go to sleep. Everything is too much. I think I could go to school, do homework, and then be at the gym… but I just can’t stand being at the gym all day. Maybe if it was once or twice a week. Nah, dawg. It’s all week long, and multiple weeks in a row. I’m just so done. It’s one thing for Corey or my mom to be working these kind of hours… they’re owners, they’ll ‘eventually’ have a shit load of money from the company. Michelle will dish out, and does dish out, more to them. Paying me more is an unnecessary expense to the company. And I’m not supposed to complain. If I complain I’m a brat, I’m worthless, I don’t care about the family, etcetc.
To add to it, I have 3 and 4 year olds all morning. It wouldn’t be all that bad, if half of them weren’t brats. This one cries and cries in the beginning of camp, her mom comes into the gym EVERY. FUCKING. MORNING. Parents aren’t allowed in the gym unless they’re there for a parent participation class. There is no parent participation for camp. Get. The. Fuck. Out. The whole crying and ‘mommy mommy, I want mommy’ bullshit pisses me off. I’m bigger than you kid, I know you’re playing your mom for everything she’s worth, and you get away with it. I fucking HATE that. UGH. Anyway. It also frustrates me that there are some talented kids in my group, which is usually hard to come by for a group of 3 and 4 year olds. Generally they’re brain dead midgets that are running around over stimulated by all the gym has to offer. Nah, these kids could be good if they weren’t fucking brats. That girl that cries every morning? If I didn’t hate her mother, and how bratty she is and gets away with everything… she could go somewhere in gymnastics. But she won’t because of her mom. I won’t even bother pursuing her because of her mom.
Anyway. So not only do I have camp from 8:30 – 1, I then get dragged back into the gym here and there because I’m everyone’s puppet and have no choice, otherwise I’m always the scape goat for bad employee. But then I teach a class at 4:00. So I teach from 4:00- 5:00, and then I coach from 5:30-8:30. It’s so much. Actually interacting with children takes so much out of you. For that amount of time, it’s insane. Maybe I shouldn’t be a mom. I don’t have it in me, man. I just don’t. I actually pretty much pulled my shit together toward the end of the day. Didn’t feel so grumpy when I got home.
But then of course, I got in pissing matches with two people back to back, and now I just feel that chokey-feeling at the back of my throat right before a panic attack. Funny, I think I’m too tired to even have a panic attack. That chokey feeling has been there for at least 10 minutes, and no panic attack has come. I think I’m that tired, it’s so amazing. Have you ever been so tired you can’t have a panic attack even though it feels like your body needs to have one? I apparently have been that tired before! Yeah. I’m selfish, other people are selfish. The world keeps going. Woot woot. I had a nice evening of Dragon Ball Z and The Guild planned for tonight. The people I was gonna watch with don’t like my long days either, so we’re not doing those things anymore !
Big sigh. I just want to cry myself to sleep. I’m so emo. If only I could get my hair as straight as emo kids do. Then I’d be on a ball. Oh yeah… so my little free time is one of the things that stresses me out. There is not enough time for me to get the things done I want to get done in the amount of time allotted. I’m supposed to go to my niece and nephew’s. I’m supposed to see my friend Jon. And then I just want to sit. I just want to sit and bring in all the nothingness that is so lovely from being away from work. I wish I had two days off so I could have one for other people and one for me. Will I even have the energy to go crabbing this weekend if weather/car permits? That’s a sad thought right there. Do I have enough energy to go crabbing? I can’t believe I even have to ask such a question. What is life coming to?
*sigh* All 3 of my favorite people I barely got to talk to today. It stresses me so fucking much. I guess I chased 2 of them away, and then the other one I can’t really talk to because I’m at work all day and can’t talk to him more than 5 minutes. gotta love time zones. I wish I had more people I liked to talk to.
Oh my gawd. I got my hair cut today… it’s so fucking amazing – you have no idea. Also, I got my toes done, and they’re fucking cute. My feminine meter has burst and there is mercury everywhere. It’s tragic, it really is. However, I came home and rectified the situation by killing people in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I’m really just too lazy to find a picture of my toes… ow8 limme see if I e-mailed it… nah, but I got it off my phone… so here are the highlights of my day! IN ORDER!
I had to change it because when you say 'Super Lyx' it sounds bad... Mark pointed it out and made fun of me !
Finally! 3 months later, I get to get my toes done again!
I win the qtpie award, hands down.
Was playing CoD and took this for Daniel!
My day was exciting, WASN’T IT? Yes, of course. <3 SLAMMIN’ POOL PARTY TOMORROW WITH FUNFETTI AND SHIRLEY TEMPLES!
Hey again,
I’m about to be a bitchy ranter. There’s your disclaimer.
I definitely hate how anytime I try to play something, it just kind of falls to pieces. I feel like it definitely happens every time I try to plan something. It pisses me off so much. for instance, last time there was a holiday I tried to get the whole family to go crabbing. No one ended up going. I was LIVID. My bad for trying to get the fucking family together? It always used to happen with my clique of friends, when I had one. I would plan stuff to go down, and people just ended up dropping out. It happened at my birthday party too. It’s like ‘Why the fuck do I bother?’
But anyway, on to the most recent example. 2-3 weeks ago I got excited because memorial day was coming up. I thought it was a GREAT opportunity to get the family together. I also figured it was an awesome opportunity to be outside having fun, having a social life. Also, my mom and sister have a leotard business. A big hit is tye-dyed leotards. We haven’t made them in a long while. So I figured we could get some of those made! It’s always fun to do tye-dying. So this is kind of a multiple-step disappointment. The first one I saw within the first week or two, but it’s hit fully now. I had been asking and asking between my mom and sister if they would have leotards ready. Wendy kept saying ‘I’ve asked mom’ etc. So I found a bag of leotards for dying last night… there’s only a handful. I was expecting to make hundreds. So yeah. Disappointment a. Okay, now it gets better. I invited my friend Josh down for the fun, figuring we could have fun outside like we did when I went to visit. We played frisbee and it was awesome. So yeah, I had high hopes of frisbee, etc. And we just kept going back and forth and the plans for the weekend got more and more extravagant. So we had decided that we would go to Six Flags on Saturday, and then we’d go to this party at my sister’s house on Sunday. It was gonna be an AWESOME weekend. So anyway, day before yesterday or so we start finalizing things. At some point he was like, ‘dude maybe I’ll even go up and get Todd then come down’. So yeah, we had this awesome weekend planned out. And I have spent a lot of money lately, so I kind of didn’t want to spend the ticket money at 6-flags. So, Josh was kinda like, ‘It’s a lot of driving so we’ll see how I feel after driving from Warren if I’ll come down Saturday morning’. We had discussed possibly going crabbing. I was hoping to do something on Saturday. I took off work for it and all, lol. But yeah, I texted Josh around 9:30, expecting that he left at least. Nupe. Texted around 11:30, still haven’t left. Now around 12:00 he asks if I mind if his gf comes.
I mean I don’t care. I have no jealous about either of them, I have no reason or desire to be jealous. However I am irritated because I just hate what girlfriend do to boys. I really do. She’s going to make him act like a fool. I think he asked with the intent of thinking for some reason I have reason to be jealous or uncomfortable about it. I find it funny, but he’s arrogant that way. Anyhoo. My issues with it are these: Firstly, I already felt mildly weird about invite Josh and Todd to this family outing thing. I mean I invited Lizzie too, but she’s practically family. But yeah, then asking the day before, ‘Oh by the way, sister, do you mind if my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend comes along too? Yeah, I don’t know her either, but Josh is pretty intent on her going.’ The reason beyond inviting someone I’ve never met to a family thing, is that we’re also having a ‘slumber party’ at my sister’s house. So yeah, at this point we’re going to do nothing on this fabulous Saturday that I took off, even though I’ve missed 3 Saturdays already. I wish I didn’t take off work for it. Or rather, I wish Josh would’ve fucking told me that he wasn’t coming, maybe last night would’ve been a nice time to discretely say, ‘I’m not going to be down until Saturday night.’
But yeah. The other issue is just I don’t think she’ll fit in. I just have that gut feeling. I don’t know her at all, so I’m completely judging her. But the thing that Josh, Todd, and I have is ages old. We have history. And she is a fall back girlfriend. As mean as it is, she’s a tiny pinprick on the timeline that is our friendships. I give it mmm… 3 months? Maybe that’s generous. But he’s ‘happy’. We’ll see how long it lasts. He’s fucking his last ‘love interest’s best friend. That never goes well. Plus, he waited a WEEK in between relationships. Really? He can sit there and tell me to wait 3 months, but he’s above his own rules. So yeah. I’m not jealous, I’m just a stuck up bitch who hates females because they’re annoying, and they generally make males act annoying too.
So much for a nice weekend!
P.S. I found a breeder in Northern Virginia (which in general is considerably closer than the previous breeders I had found). www.geckobabies.com
Hey Emmie,
Sorry I’m so emo, but I always have been. The last two weeks have been a mix of amazing and terrible. When Mike came back and we were friends again, it really helped me feel just… better. Having a friend, someone to talk to, besides Daniel, made me feel less lonely. It made my anxiety about my relationship go away a bit. It was really awesome for it to just happen like that. And for once it’s not like there’s some kind of romantic thing going on. We’re friends. If we were ever single, yes, we could have feelings for each other. But I like to stay grounded and if for whatever reason Daniel and I don’t work… I really don’t want to end up in another international relationship. It’s really hard.
Anyway. I wish I was a more adaptable person. I guess I am more so than I realize, but still. When the hustle and bustle of the day stops and I close my book for the evening, my mind just takes hold. I don’t know how put together I’ll be. And maybe it’s a bit dramatic. I’m not crying or shuddering or anything. But I do sit here and sigh with hunched shoulders and sadly close my eyes when I realized my ‘world’ from my last two weeks is gone. My everyday isn’t waking up and talking to that baby. My everyday isn’t worrying about talking to Mike when he should be sleeping. I don’t want it to revert to a month ago when I have panic attacks (a minimum) once a week, and cry daily because I hate my life. I’m past teen angst, I won’t necessarily let myself believe that he’s doing the whole disappearing thing again. And if he is, oh well such is life and I’ll get on with it. You gotta do what you gotta do. The logical, less-hormonefilled-girl part of me suggests that he’s on vacation this week, and it makes the most sense to actually hang out with people IRL and do social things on vacation rather then stay boarded up in your room talking to someone you’ve never met before. Makes sense to me.
Eh, well anyway. It’s not all bad. I finally completely switched to my new computer today. I had another mishap before having smooth sailing (of course, this machine is as moody as me, I’d say). I rode my bike to Bestbuy and had to buy a new wireless adapter. I had planned to simply use the adapter from my old computer, but the one I have is too old and not compatible with Windows 7. But yeah. I think I have majority of what I need installed. It’s kinda a wonder when you realize what little you actually use on a regular basis. But yeah. It’s quite stellar in comparison to anything I’ve owned, including my Mac. I think it’s the first computer I’ve ever owned that isn’t just getting by. It also is the first computer I’ve ever really had that is truly upgradable.
Sometimes I get very excited, ‘easily’ by other peoples’ standards. One of those things that just lit me up and made me smile and happy today, was an e-mail I received from a leopard gecko breeder in PA. I might actually have a place to get a baby that I want that is cute and ready for a mommy like me! I hope he won’t mind me posting them here. As a disclaimer these aren’t my geckos, I’m not selling them, etc. I’m only going to post the ones I’m interested in buying. There were more than this:
SHTCT (Super Hypo Tangerine Carrot Tail)
Blazing Blizzard baby
Mack Snow Bell Albino
They’re so fucking cute, I know. And I’m pretty torn. I’ve never even looked into a Snow Albino, and never looked into Bell Albinos, period. However, that is going to be a beautiful gecko. I can just tell. I mean they all will be, I’m sure. But the first two just look like ordinary geckos. The orange doesn’t stand out to me in the tangs, and a blizzard is a blizzard. If it had black eyes that’s one thing… but anyway. Tangerines are what I had been after when I bought baby (ended up with her, a patternless). The Blazing Blizzard is the closest thing to baby, but is more pinky/white, and she would’ve been more whitish/yellow when she grew up. The tangs are what I was originally in for, but it seems like I’m leaning towards the mack snow… but I already have a mack snow. I mean he’s just a regular old mack snow, and she’s more of a codominant w/ albino in there… so it’s like blahblah I dunno what to do! I want a baby though, that’s for sure. I’m glad baby is letting me feel okay about it so soon. I think she knows I need it. I need something/someone to take care of in my life that will demand my time and passion. A baby gecko would be perfect for the job…
It’s a very humbling experience to experience death first hand. I don’t mean finding something already dead. Of course, that is a humbling experience too. But having something that was alive, breathing, die while you’re sitting there witnessing it? Maybe I’m just dramatic, but it mentally seems to be a life changing event. It makes you feel less… angry at trivial things. My baby leopard gecko died in my hands today. I cradled her in my hands and watched her final twitches. I don’t want to think about it too much, because when I think of it that way it’s kind of a scary thing to think about. It’s something you think would only happen in a movie – never to you. But I guess it kind of already has happened to me. And maybe it traumatized me for life and it’s one of the reasons why death scares me to nearly an irrational point. When I was in 3rd or 4th grade my dog, Lottie killed my other dog, Muddie. She was torn up very badly and laying in shock on this pull-out mattress thing that was part of my bunk bed. I think I absolutely lost my mind, and it was my first, biggest episode with death in my life. I don’t remember that I actually watched her take her last breaths, but I remember my dad saying she was in shock.
Anyway. I’m very sure I saw my baby take her last breaths today. I don’t know how death works, but there were a few head things she did. She was so motionless in my hands. I had been trying to feed her this slurry stuff. It’s got pedialyte, and ensure, and mealworms, it’s like a protein shake for geckos who can’t eat. Or something. She had been moving sometimes when I was giving her it, like she’d get annoyed that I was trying to give it to her. And suddenly she stopped moving. I took her to the bathroom to give her a warm soak. She wouldn’t hold her head up. Previously when I gave her soaks, she would hold her head up. I started getting worried at that point. Sometimes she’d be so sleepy that I could touch her a few times and she wouldn’t respond. But it was different this time. She was so limp, and really not doing anything.I then really thought she was dead. When I kept moving her legs and they were just lifeless and non responsive. I started crying and talking to her and apologizing. In my head I was talking to ‘God’. But not really. I just wanted her to be okay. I had her in my hands and started thinking that my gecko was dying in my hands, and death scared me, and death was gross. But at the same time I was just torn with grief that this little thing that I’ve loved so much for 2 weeks… this little thing that has been my world, is not going to be my world anymore. My grief definitely won the battle. I was rocking back in forth wishing she was the type of pet you could just snuggle. Even though I knew she was dead, an icky dead corpse, I wanted to snuggle my baby and tell her I loved her and tell her it would be okay now, and tell her I’m sorry because she never had a name, and tell her I’m sorry because I didn’t save her. I held her and was hunched over and rocking a bit. I then looked close and saw her breathing. I got excited, and I guess that was the point where I really thought of ‘think-talking’ to ‘God’. And I kept chanting, ‘Please please please’, but of course she was really dying here. Her limps were lifeless. I would touch her and she would not respond at all. Then over the course of 5 minutes or so, she probably jerked her head faintly maybe.. 3-4 times in intervals. I assume that was an electrical response or something. Just her systems shutting down, using extra energy. After a few of those jerks I really stopped thinking it was her getting any ‘better’. Maybe the first one I thought she was fighting to stay alive. After that I just figured she was dying slowly… in my hands. I decided to put her back in her tank so she could rest peacefully. I stood there for a minute thinking about it first I think. Bawling my fucking eyes out, with my tiny gecko in my hands. I put her down on the paper towel, and of course I can’t lay her flat if she’s laying flat in my hand. I put her down and she was kinda tilted on her side… and she just kinda.. didn’t fix herself. It made me cry more and really just… made it a deafening roar that I could no longer escape. I put her hide over her even though she had to be gone. I think I said I love you and I’m sorry. I think my dad walked in the house not even 5 minutes after that.
As I was changing into work clothes in the bathroom I heard my dad taking off the top of the tank on her cage and moving stuff in there. By the time I was out, he was too, and it looked as if she wasn’t touched. I then told him my experience that I just listed here, and he said, ‘Well when I just went in there and held her… I don’t think she’s with us.’ I really kept my composure well. A few minutes after that, he said, ‘If she’s stiff before you get home, she won’t be there anymore.’ my response was, ‘Okay, please ut her with everyone else (wilbird and Cezzie in the front yard). ‘
My coworker, Brandon, who’s what I’d consider an acquaintance I guess, but could be a friend. He’s definitely a friend when we’re at work, but we’ve never hung out outside of work, but if we did I would consider him a friend. He came into my office when I was crying, I wiped my face and knew I couldn’t play actress, no way in hell. SO I just told him. He made it much easier for me to work. He hugged me multiple times and apologized and we talked for a good 10 minutes or so. It was really helpful, along with teaching kids I actually like. I didn’t necessarily care like I normally would… it was hard to stay positive and focused rather than lazy and looking at my watch every 30 seconds. But the cupcakes were a nice touch..
Driving up the hill on Plyers Mill Rd was hard. It was full of anxiety. I knew it was going to be devestating to not come home to that baby anymore. To come home and not have that need to help her… that want to have her in my life for a long time. What do you do? It’s life altering. I attach easily, and suck things into my life. If they’re taken away… how do you adjust? I don’t know. But as soon as we pulled into outside of our house and I walked up the steps, it got worse. I saw the fresh dirt and I teared up. I blew her a kiss and said I love you. I can’t wait until the pain subsides and it’s just normal to see her in the ground in the front yard instead of seeing her every morning in my room. God, I miss her so much.
Experiencing death that way is life changing. Experiencing sickness, experiencing just… a race against time. Trying to run from death, changes you. I tried to sprint with that baby, I tried sprinting from death with her in my hands. But I guess I don’t run very fast.
I love you, baby. Rest in peace, okay? I hope you’re not hurting anymore. I’m sorry I couldn’t take the pain away. I’m sorry you couldn’t eat so much like I know you wanted to. I would’ve fed you anything you wanted. I fucking hate crickets.
But I fucking love you.
Good night, sleepyhead.
P.S. The PC has windows on it now. But I could give a shit less.
My sister recently has had several talks with me about how she’s sick of me bitching, and doesn’t want to hear about it, or see posts about it. I’ll assume she doesn’t know this is here. And really… isn’t it a free country to write in a blog? lol. But I guess it’s also a free country for her to fire me over what I write here.
One of the things that really bothers me, is I’m that person at my job that is expected to know how to do everything, and fix every problem. For instance, for whatever reason ‘we’ (by we I mean my sister and her husband) decided to use efax. I don’t see the benefits of it at all so far, to be honest with you, lol. No one knows how to send a fax, and it’s really a pain to send one in comparison to if we just… had a fax machine. Anyway, so my sister calls me and asks me how to use it. I’ve actually explained how to use it multiple times. And the only reason I know how to do it, is because my brother-in-law explained it to me. I sent an e-mail last weekend about how to use it, to everyone that I thought would need to know how to use it. But yeah, she called back after I told her how to do it, and was like, ‘It said this e-mail isn’t authorized.’, There are only certain e-mails that are authorized to send faxes. So she expected me to know how to send an e-mail from one e-mail address instead of the other (there are multiple e-mail accounts on the thunderbird at work)
I wish the computer I ‘built’ with m own two hands would work I guess my own two hands aren’t very good.
The act of actually building something is kind of cool to me, but generally after I’ve built something it doesn’t work like it was supposed to… so it makes me never want to build something again. It happened with my ikea furniture, and now with my computer. I’m really annoyed that I’ve been trying to make it work for ATLEAST a cumulative of 8 hours now. at least. Not sure exactly how much. Started building it last night, and tried getting it working most of today, and most of tonight. Still shit wrong with it. Mike thinks he knows what’s wrong, and of course I’ll have to go to that godforsaken store again. (Microcenter). I’m really over it at this point. I’ve felt ‘done’ with trying for hours now. Of course Mike keeps going and going and I just get annoyed with him. Him and Daniel both do that shit. Like they shove me over the edge with their persistence when I’m just done with it.
So I guess I hope Mike is right, just to know what’s wrong. But then again if he’s wrong again I’m going to be even more pissed off, because that means that I took another trip to Microcenter, came home, and the computer doesn’t work.
Plus, I’m sick of this baby gecko tearing my heart apart. Why can’t it just live up to my expectations already? Maybe I should just be grateful that it ate yesterday. But I’m not. I want it on a schedule. I want it eating regularly. I want it eating like a normal baby should.
out
Alyx
Oh, btw. Isn’t it cool? I’m a brat because I complain about how much I work. dunchu know? Everyone works as much, or more than I do. Which makes me a whining brat. ) <3<3
I’m SO out of shape, it’s ridiculous. We have a rod floor that’s for our gymnasts to tumble on. And I did 10 laps down and back. Just asked my mom what the length of it is. 84 feet. So 1 lap is 168 feet. And all laps total, 1680 feet. But anyway. I did 5 and 5. After the second 5, I was really struggling. Water is so awesome. I’m really tired. I figured I’d get energy from expending energy, but I haven’t eaten yet… hopefully I’ll get energy from food.
!
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