Category Archives: Life

What You’ve Missed

Dear Emmie,
You have missed a lot and I am sorry for that. I guess it could be a good thing. A young girl often needs a diary because she is not comfortable telling her deepest secrets to someone else. Maybe it means I’ve been okay with the support system I’ve had? I don’t know. I sort of stopped my Emmie correspondence around the time Eric, Brandon, and Jimmy moved here. My boyfriend, my best friend, and another friend that ended up moving a few months into the new arrangement. The rest of us still live together although we live not in a town house but in a house my brother owns. His decision to buy this house rested solely on the agreement that me, Eric, and Brandon would live here. Then we brought on two of my other friends, Patrick and Nick.

It’s all been pretty great except that I’ve accrued a lot of debt from the whole adventure. At least I don’t cry about it every single night like I used to. At some point you just accept that it’s just too difficult to change and it will be a long time until your life resembles anything you dreamed of as a child. It’s one of those life lessons that no one can tell you and that you only learn from the heartache and struggle of going through obstacles yourself. It’s hard to tell someone, “Look, I’ve been there, you need to lower your expectations of your dreams and life in general.” More than that, how can you tell someone to try to adapt? To try to accept that things can be different and still be perfectly awesome? You can’t. They’ll either realize that or won’t.

Anyway, it’s really great to live in a house full of people whom love you. Not that my parents didn’t love me… But it’s different here. I have lots of psychological issues and I can have a break down at any moment. It’s pretty impressive to know everyone I live with would do anything to help me if they could. It’s not just the love though… We all mesh really well together. We all have the same interests, we do stuff together regularly. When you’ve lived you’re entire teenage years and most of your adult years on the internet it is remarkable to suddenly have friends. It sounds really sad but it’s completely different to have people you can hang out with all the time that don’t ditch.

Anyway, so the more recent crazy thing that happened to me is medical issues. Since December I’ve been sick off and on. More specifically in February colds turned into a diagnosis of a sinus infection. Then two more. Then my ENT said if it happened again I would need to get a CT scan. Got the CT scan, was told to go to a neurologist (keep in mind every one of these times going to the doctor is not just a copay, but a bill sent to me later). Neurologist put me on a medication called Gabapentin which is a nerve pain reliever and a week’s worth of steroids. For the first time in weeks I was pain free. Sadly the steroids were tapered and it started coming back. I was devastated. My mental state was deteriorating. I had suicidal thoughts regularly because it was so hard to be in pain no matter how much medication I took. I was diagnosed with cluster headaches.

I wasn’t supposed to go back until a later date. The pain was the same even on the Gabapentin. Of course during all of this Eric and I are both reading about stuff and trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and all about the medicine, and all that. I read from forums of other peoples’ experience that Gabapentin can take up to months to work all the way. So I have a job and stuff, so I don’t have time to be debilitated for a month more than I already had been. Long story short, lots of doctor visits, 5 weeks of continuous pain, CT scan, MRI scan, Eric dealing with me, etc later I have a ‘headache disorder’ called Hemicrania Continua. I hate that it’s called a headache disorder because I’ve had plenty of headaches in my life and nerve pain feels NOTHING like a headache. It’s a rare disorder that only rarely goes into remission and required medication for the rest of the sufferer’s life.

Anyway I am sick of writing and will write more tomorrow.

xoxo!

sig

From The Ashes

Dear Emmie,
I am pleased that you have risen from the ashes of internet hogwash. I have no idea what happened and why your files were missing, and I am sorry. I have been pretty anti-computer as of late. Today has been the first day in months I have sat at a computer besides my work computer for longer than a few minutes. I sat here diligently trying to figure out why you were showing a blank white screen. I did figure it out and I have fixed you. You will have to deal with a boring layout for a while as I don’t have time or drive to make you look cool.

I think this was the biggest neglect thus far, about 2 years without posting? Pretty sad, kinda a waste of money, but janno. I will try to update you tomorrow on all the exciting happenings.

sig

!! !!! !!!!!!!

Me: MY iMAC GETS HERE TODAY !

Eric: !

Me: !
I has a handsome hubby in my profile picture.
u jelly
+_+

Eric: !

Me: !
Let’s communicate via exclamation points.

Eric: i am handsome hubby

Me: I’M GLAD YOU UNDERSTAND THIS

Eric: ! !!!! !! !!!! !!!

Me: I love to fuck you ?
! !!!! !! !! !!!!!! !! !!!

Eric: wow. You were so close.

Me: oh
want
want to fuck you

Eric: haha unbelievable

Lifee!

Herro~
So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:
Jaundice

Bruise from blood being drawn:
Bruise

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:
Ice

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.
yum

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!
IV

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.
hand

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx

Absence

Emmie,
I do apologize wholeheartedly for my absence. Sometimes my absence means that I am just tickled with joy by life. Other times I’m not even close to that, but am so distracted and busy that I can’t even write here. I guess I have a lot to tell you, Emmie. It has been nearly two whole months since I have talked to you. Again, I am so sorry for this.

Since the beginning of November I had been talking to this guy. He’s really awesome and I was trying to prevent anything from happening between us. I told him multiple times I didn’t want the distance, and probably wasn’t even psychologically ready for a relationship anyway. Ironically enough, he was coming this way to visit some friends in PA. He came here first and we hung out a lot. We really fell for each other, quite hard. It was still tortuous for me and very difficult to just allow us to happen. I’ve been so terrified of rushing into things because of the last few years of my life. From talking to some close friends about it, I made the decision to try it out. So far we’re really happy. I’m going to visit him in May, and I think he’s going to come here for Christmas. I’m still terrified of it not working because of distance and whatever else… but I’ll worry about that if the time comes to worry about it, I guess.

Daniel apparently can’t be anything but an asshole now. It sucks, but oh well, I guess. I guess I attract people who can’t be friends with me after a relationship. Or can’t even talk to me it looks like. Two out of the three biggest relationships in my life, they won’t even talk to me. It makes me really upset. I have to find a way to get over it. Crying over two boys who won’t talk to me anymore, every time I think of them is just silly. I guess it’s a good thing I never went to Germany. I guess it’s a good thing that Brazilian never moved here. But I guess I just live in the past; I think about Mike every now and then, even still. Bitch hasn’t talked to me in months, and probably has no intention of ever speaking to me again, and I still think about him. I wish I could get over him, just not think about him anymore. I don’t think it’s possible for me to just forget him. I wish I could, because he doesn’t deserve my thoughts anymore. And now with Daniel, just acting nonchalant and assholeish like he never wants to talk to me again. Fine. Jerk ~_~. I guess I attract those sorts of people, or rather, I like those sorts of people, or gravitate towards them.

On to the next bit of whirlwind in my life. I am currently living with my grandmother in my uncle’s extra house. She broke her leg nearly 3 months ago. She was in rehab for a considerable amount of time, and then she stayed at her sister’s house for a bit, then she was at my uncle’s. It was kind of dropped in my lap, and has been a very up-and-down sort of experience. Thankfully grandma is starting to calm down, and I guess everyone else is too (my dad and uncles). I think I will be living here for about a year until she is ready to go into an assisted living place or a retirement home, not sure which. If she falls or something happens obviously it may not be a year. I would love to buy this house from my uncle, but obviously I don’t have money like that. I do have internet and cable tv in the house now, for the first 2-3 weeks we didn’t have cable tv or internet. For a week they were fixing the pipes so I had to go home to take showers. For the first 2 weeks I had my dog Charlie here. Now she’s not allowed here and I miss her a lot. I wish it were easier for her, and then it would be easier for me…

I’m starting school this week. I’m hoping it won’t be as stressful a last semester. All of my classes are online, so that’s good. Self motivation can deteriorate after a time though.

Oh, also. I’m getting my license on March 16th. That’s when my test is scheduled. If I fail it that’ll be shitty because they have a huge back up. Maybe I’ll schedule a second one just in case.

Anyway. That’s the run down, excluding a lot of details. I’ll try to post more frequently.

Hope you’re okay, Mike.

Alyx

I miss Mike.

I wish I could get him out of my fucking head. He hasn’t talked to me in almost a month and a half. Some how this time it feels much longer. I’m surprised it’s not longer. I guess it feels longer because I somehow in my heart think he’s not coming back this time. I think the last time I’ll ever have spoke to him was an argument about something I found silly. But whatever, I guess I should know better, right? He’s done this to me so many times since I’ve known him. I’ve called it his ‘disappearing’ trick. there was one time where he didn’t talk to me for a year. A year, even when me e-mailing things like: ‘Hey, how are you? I hope everything is okay, I hope you’re not working yourself to death’ every few weeks. He was deleting my e-mails. How awesome is that?

The reasons why I think he’s never going to come back is because the last time we talked was an argument, so it’s not even just that he’s busy with work and can’t make time to say hi, even though that may help him avoid me. And, I had told him I would give us a second shot if he could decide that he could make time in his life for me. His parents own a business and he gets that business when they give it to him. If he has an international girlfriend, it’ll be difficult to run the business. My theory is that he’s decided ‘I’m not going to do this’ but instead of telling me he’s avoiding me. He’s not just avoiding me, he also is busy with work.

I wish I could get him out of my head. I wish I could stop thinking how he could fix my tears when I have a bad day. I wish I could stop thinking we were so happy, I wish I could have it again. If he’s done with me, I wish I could be done with him.

Sadness

League of Legends is a security blanket. When I play League of Legends I don’t think about the things in my life that bother me. League of Legends is an addiction for me. When League of Legends goes bad, I become a heaped mess of sadness, tears, and depression. I know, this is incredibly sad. I’m just a sick individual. But no need to be in denial about it.

I would say for the last 2 months or so I have had fun only a small portion of the time I was playing League. Lately though it’s been really bad. I’ve been not only not having fun, but been really upset about what’s going on. A few weeks ago I uninstalled after a series of games where I just wasn’t having fun. I decided it would be best if I uninstalled because I could do things that made more sense (homework). I uninstalled for 5 days and reinstalled after having a good day at school, expecting to be able to play the way I did prior to having shitty games. I think I got worse in the time I wasn’t playing.

I don’t feel like writing amymore.

fml

redditgifts.com!!

Okay so I haven’t been this excited about anything in such a long time. I guess it’s the curiosity and intrigue. It’s like being a kid all over again because you have no idea what you’ll get. For Christmas and birthdays in the real world when you’re an adult you just get what you asked for. But this? THIS? IS SO COOL! You get to surprise someone you don’t know and you get something completely awesome and random from someone you don’t know! And hell, maybe you even become friends with them?! It’s so cool and I love going through the redditgifts gallery and looking at the awesome pictures and stories. It’s actually like a Christmas present to me. I get the person I get to buy a gift for 5 days before my birthday! Then I get to start stalking them and figure out what to get them :o!!

It’s so exciting. I hope I don’t get creative block. I want to do something awesome for them. I’ve seen some really awesome stuff from the gallery.

<3, Lyxie

Friends = Stress

Sometimes having friends is stressful. Like you care so much about them, love ‘em to death… but they don’t necessary see themselves in the same light that you do… they also may live life a different way than you do which can be stressful. I’m exhausted from that conversation and the day in general.

Love you even though you stress me!
Alyx

Saturday night…

So Saturday night I had one of my ‘pain’ attacks. I’ve had these ever so often since… I think my first one I was still with Mike. So that’s years ago. Years of these things. But not too often really. Anyway. I’m not sure I’ve ever explained the attacks on here before. I have to a few people that are close to me. Essentially it’s a rapid onset of pain. It makes it so I can’t move. If I move I will have trouble breathing and I will probably throw up. To make it easier on myself I just kinda writhe in bed. In the past I always assumed it was a gas thing or an acid reflux sorta thing. It would be this continuing pain from my chest, I guess it would kinda start in my stomach and radiate up. But then it went to my back. It was just bad. Anyway, I had one of these attacks on Saturday. The issue was, the pain in my chest didn’t stop. I couldn’t sleep. I got my parents involved. I’m never in enough pain to get anyone but close people online involved, and that’s usually after it happens. My dad chalked it up to acid reflux or heartburn or something. So I took a lot of heartburn stuff, anti bloating stuff, and it helped, but I couldn’t sleep. It was very frustrating, and very painful. I couldn’t sleep the next night either. So I made an appointment. A doctor’s appointment. Quick thing about me; I hate doctors. I have avoided doctors successfully for 10 years.

My doctor is pretty awesome though. He had me run blood work on Monday, he called me Monday night after he scheduled an ultrasound for me the next day. Then he told me over the phone some enzyme was high and I probably had gallstones. He wanted more blood tests to make sure I didn’t have hepatitis. This morning I had more blood work and an ultrasound. Ultrasound technician had some trouble, I feel kinda bruised from it :( But regardless, I have ‘too many gallstones to count’ so I need surgery. My doctor said they’d just pluck the stones out, but I have an appointment with my surgeon on Friday. I guess, possibly he’d take the gallbladder out completely. I don’t know. I kinda hope not. Sounds more serious than just plucking them out.

Regardless. This just goes to show my eating habits of kinda fasting and eating big meals… can’t do that. Also can’t eat these hugely fatty meals without consequence. Not sure how well I can work it out since it’s engrained into me to eat this way… but the pain sucked and hopefully it’ll motivate me to be better. :)

I need to go to bed because the pain is starting to get to me when it hasn’t been here all night. Would be a shame to not get sleep because of pain when I’ve been up all day with no pain!

<3, Alyx