Category Archives: Work

Lifee!

Herro~
So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:
Jaundice

Bruise from blood being drawn:
Bruise

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:
Ice

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.
yum

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!
IV

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.
hand

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx

luls to the max

Okay so uh… so funny for people I haven’t talked to in a long time to go “Oh hey, sup? s’good?” And then I see their facebook relationship status, or they tell me, ‘oh yeah, single’ It’s like, ‘oh no, that’s not a coincidence AT ALL! I’m sure you’re not talking to me with expectations at all, douchenozzle’ Jesus. Lol. Maybe this is why I’ve dated online my whole life. So fucking stupid. And it’s not like I’m dumb. You’re not talking to me just to catch up, you’re talking to me because you think of me of a candidate for fuck buddy or more, who knows.

Oh to be single, how amusing.

Sorry guys, I’m married. My husband’s name is LoL. ROfl. <3 In other news, I had a pretty bad day. it wasn’t bad because of events that happened, it was bad because I felt mentally ill the whole time. I was just sad and/or depressed the whole fucking day. It sucked ass. Anyway, love you Emmie. Night bbygurrrll!

Actually excited from work!

Man! I feel so pumped and achieved! Limme try to explain this so there is full understanding here. Firstof all, I teach gymnastics for a living. I not only teach it, I also coach a tumbling and trampoline team. Fyi, coaching != teaching. But anyway. For as long as I’ve been coaching (6, maybe 7 years). We’ve always been kinda lax to the point where not everyone even has the same attire, which just looks unprofessional. So last week I took the initiative to actually find a warm up with a good price point that my team parents would be willing to pay. But I also wanted EVERYONE to have one and EVERYONE to have incentive to wear the stuff to every meet.

Anyway, I took the time to make a pdf explaining what we were ordering, with pictures, and a writable pdf, size charts, etc. normally with this sort of thing around the gym it would be procrastinated to the point where no one ever has what they need. But I kept bothering parents with emails, called, etc. I spent HOURS doing this shit. And then I made a spread sheet of all sizes and stuff, tallied up what I needed to order, made sure I wasn’t missing anyone. I’m SO PROUD of myself.

I can’t wait to see everyone look the same on the competition floor. It’ll make me so happy. We’re going to get them embroidered and everything. Going to be so wonderful. I’m so excited. And I was bummed about it before.

School, boys, etc.

Hey Emmie,
Last few nights I’ve found myself laying in bed wishing I had someone to confide in, but looking through my phone I couldn’t find anyone that wouldn’t have bias… or just I knew what they would say in response. I knew what their advice would be, and I don’t want to hear it and it wouldn’t be helpful at all. So I’m going to pretend that writing here will help even though you won’t respond at all. I’m going to pretend that ‘getting it out’ helps this problem.

Before I start on my issues and my current life, I’m sorry that your layout is so gross. I actually hate it, but I also no longer have confidence in my ability to design decent websites. Which sucks because I am wrangled into making a website for my vet (if he ever gets me the information, etc.) Hopefully I can get into that mindset when the time comes. And maybe when that mindset comes I will try to make you look nice and pretty as you should. :) Moving on…

There is this boy that has been in my life for many years. I’m going to change the story a bit just for the purpose of anonymity for him, in case he doesn’t want his part in my life all over the internet. I’m going to call him… Sexy. We’ll go with that. (He is sexy, after all!) I have known Sexy for at least 5 years now. For the last few years while I was with Daniel I always had him in the back of my head. Regardless of whatever history or lack there of we have, I always had him in my head and always kinda wanted that chance with him that never came to full fruition. I don’t think I ever full out wanted to leave Daniel for him, but I always passive aggressively thought to myself, “I would love a chance with Sexy” Sexy and I haven’t had too much time in the last few years, so we haven’t consistently talked, but of course anytime we had time we were quite inseparable. It’s hard to tell this story without specifics because then everyone who has ever read my blog or has ever been a part of my life for any period of time will know exactly who I’m talking about. Regardless, for the last 2-3 weeks I’ve really been thinking on it. I kinda have this opportunity to try to be with Sexy, but I’m very scared about it. I’m scared about the distance and the history and all this other stuff. Maybe I’m also just starting to hide in my shell. People want me to hang out all the time, and because I’m so busy with school and work I always want to sit at home and game. Not having a boyfriend helps this lifestyle of sitting at home and gaming. It’s sad that I prefer that right now. But if I let myself fall for people, I might fuck up in school. Love, boys are distracting to me having a successful life on my own without a boy being involved. Don’t get me wrong, I want a man in my life… but I want to be able to support myself. I don’t want to be totally dependent.

Anyway, I’m definitely going on a tangent here. I’ve always wanted a chance with Sexy. I always have. I think we would be very happy together. But there are complications that scare me and make me not want to try it. But I want to meet him in person, but then won’t I fall in love with him? Shouldn’t I try to experience ‘IRL’ relationfails, I mean ships? I donno. But the reason it’s bugging me so much more now, is he won’t talk to me. I’ve tried to convince myself that he’s just busy as usual. But we had this huge fight the other day about League. I guess it wasn’t just about League, it’s just how he handles things with me and I see him as insensitive. Even when I explain what I meant after I blew up I guess it wasn’t enough. He actively doesn’t go on our messenger of choice and instead I can only say Hi to him via text or Steam. It drives me nuts because I think of him all day and hope I’ll get to talk to him, but then I don’t because he’s nonchalant, cold, etc. It might just be me imagining it, I don’t know. My experiences with Daniel and other people in between (rushed flings, I guess you could call them) have really… made me shut down. Not totally shut down, not in that sense. But I think relationshipwise I’m empty. I don’t feel any real… childish thrill over anyone. I used to always have that feeling either with sad boyfriend or someone I was just talking to that would make me happy. I don’t have that with anyone right now, and it’s kind of weird. The closest thing to it is Sexy. It’s hard to explain with him though. I’ve always had feelings for him, and now that i’m scared shitless it’s almost like some of those feelings are locked up. I have feelings for him, think of him all the time, want to talk to him all the time, he makes me smile, I make him smile, we say endearing things. All this stuff and I feel really scared to commit to him. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not ready for a relationship yet since Daniel, or if it’s because… blah I don’t know. It’s really hard and confusing because I do have feelings for him, do want to be with him, and then my logic goes, ‘Look at all these things.’ My logic never lets me live life.

I am in my first semester towards going to University of Maryland’s Smith school of Business. It’s a lot of work and is pretty difficult. I think it’ll get considerably easier after the Calculus this semester. I think most of my energy that I don’t want depleted goes into that. By that I mean… I’d rather spend that 3 hours messing up my Balance Sheet for Accounting than I would teaching myself math that half the time I don’t fully understand. I am currently taking 5 classes while working roughly 30 hours a week. I am taking The Human Body, Applied Calculus for business/science majors, Accounting 1, Micro Economics, Statistics for Business. I got lucky with the professor I chose for Stat because his class is easy and easy to understand. Accounting is accounting but I have a great professor. I hate my economics class for a variety of reasons, the human body is online (flip through a textbook, answer quiz questions, carry on), Applied calculus is also online (it’s a lot of work).

Onto the next boy issue. Or upcoming issue, impending issue, etc. I have an acquaintance. Let’s call this acquaintance… Neko. I dunno why I wanna call him Neko, but whatever. I met Neko kinda recently and the first time we hung out I realize he’s cool and everything, and we talk via text kinda often I guess, and I just get the impression he’s into me. I’m not going into details, again for anonymity purposes. Not that Neko would ever read this or even find this, but whatever. Anyway, I think Neko is into me but I dunno if I really want a relationship at all right now, and honestly I think if I got into any relationship IRL I would just wonder why I’m not with Sexy, which is another issue going back to the Sexy problems. xD! So maybe I should just call it a day and be with Sexy? <3! I dunno. But Neko is very sweet and everything, but there night be a few things that make me go e.e; about him. I am so overcritical of people it is ridiculous. I have to plan everything and it makes it so I don't actually experience anything or live my life. It kinda sucks. Anyway, so I might be hanging out with Neko more often, but I'm not sure about that because of my school and work. I'm wondering how comfortable I will feel with seeing him more often. If he's into me and I don't want a relationship I dunno how to communicate that without being hurtful. Blargh. Well, I'm off to have a break from thinking about my Sexy woes and try to distract myself from that with Calculus homework~~~!!!!

#: 315

Heya. Sooo yeah, recent events have made me want to write here! So here I go :) First of all, working with/for family can sometimes be really stressful. Also it really stresses me out to know people that are so… heated? I don’t even know the word to use here. Just responding to everything in the most extreme way possible everytime. I hope I’m not one of those people, even though sometimes I know I can be. Anyway so some shit at work you know. And lately I really feel like I want to grow up and stop gossiping and talking about what happened. I should just leave it as it is and yeah.  Well, I’m still young and still have time to learn and act on these life lessons.

Anyway, moving on. I am tired and have had a long day. My alarm was going off for an hour. I finally dragged my ass out of bed at 9:30, and took forever to catch a bus, and then it was smooth while on Metro. Went to the Museum of Natural History. I hadn’t been there in years. And can I say? I fucking love that place. I wish I could go there every day for a week to actually absorb all the information that is to be experienced in that lovely building. However, my experience today wasn’t so beautiful. I didn’t have enough time, I spent most of it in the exhibit I’ll do my website on… so I didn’t get to see all the stuff I wanted to. Also, as cool as it was in the beginning to be by myself, it started dawning on me that it would’ve been cooler to have a person or people with me.  Yeah. Anyway, then I had to go to work and teach a class. Oh and I went to the book store (twice now) and they didn’t have the book I needed for school. Moving on… then I went to eat food, then was waiting around for a while to go to the movies… I get tired easily, and then cranky, and this is why I dislike late showings :( Anyway. I saw Inception

Note: I won’t bother finishing this, it was apparently a lost draft. Not sure when it was written. Oh Sept 25th apparently.

#: 311

Emmie,

SOOOOO I started school last week… or week before?, and it’s fabulous n_n! One shitty thing is just… really realizing how much I need my license. For instance, today, public transportation ate up 2.5 hours of my life. Transportation to and from school shouldn’t be more than an hour, hour and a half at absolute worst! Anyway. it’s good because I eat pretty good during school, and I walk hellalot. anyway. So yeah, school’s pretty good. That whole few sentences was written a while ago, I guess. I think last Thursday, even…? or maybe this past Tuesday. I’m not sure. xD!

Anyway, life is pretty crazy. Growing up is so weird sometimes. And to think, I don’t even have the bulk of responsibilities I need to be considered a real adult. Today I was at school from 8:30-3ish, then I went to work. Thing is… I wake up around 6:30. So I’m up and running from 6:30 – 8:30, walking, or working, or schooling, or whatever. Pretty tough. Oh, there’s also the public transportation which takes a lot out of me, mainly because of my backpack… and because in the morning… it’s really early, and in the evenings, it’s after a huge long day of using my brain to it’s capacity! I have a lot of homework, mostly reading. I’m hoping I can clean my room while reading… basically.. start a load of laundry, read, switch the laundry, take some trash off my desk, read, change the load again, etc.

Anyway, moving on… I’m kinda stressed about school for the long run, because I’ve always wanted to go to Maryland… but it seems that they don’t really have any programs that I want/need. Any degree I would get there would be settling for it because I wanted a piece of paper that said I graduated from Maryland. And then… basically, the program I kinda got set on, then my sister told me that you have to take Calculus to get into it! So that started making me feel pretty panicked as well. And then I looked into the OT program at Towson, and there’s a bunch of classes I need to take before I go there, which isn’t quite as bad, to be honest. The math is what scares me. Sciences don’t scare me much, unless they have a lot of math in them. Plus, the Towson stuff, I think I have a few classes under my belt to go there.

Next concern: I’m going into, or am in one of those psychological down hill situations that are caused from social problems. For instance, I was getting too ‘kushey’ with having a few friends, within the last few months. I was talking to Daniel regularly, as well as Mike, and Jonathan. I’m pleased to say that Daniel and I are playing WoW, and hence talking a lot more. And, I’m going there in December so I think we’re both kinda excited that we’ll see each other ‘soon’. And then, recently (last two weeks or so), I guess I could consider Tyler a friend. Tyler is Lizzie’s brother, and we’ve held conversation before, but prior to a week or two ago there was never consecutive attempts to communicate mutually. But then suddenly he was bored and hung out with me multiple times in the span of 2 weeks or so. Maybe 3 weeks. Anyway. So, Mike’s really busy with work, Tyler is about to move to Delaware, and the last one bugs me the most. Basically because I’m an immature female who needs to go to sleep and mind her own business. Basically, I over analyze everything, and that’s what’s happening here. Plus, I detach easly so hopefully this will end quickly. I have physical symptoms of emotional strain right now, but I’m hoping it’s because I’m tired, not because I’m attached. So I’ll whisper to make me feel better in case he reads this, because I don’t want to be confronted about it:

Sooo… on Facebook today, I read that Jonathan was engaged! At first my heart sank, and then I started thinking logically, that it must be some stupid Facebook bullshit. I didn’t really think on it much after that I guess. But as I got home, I just started thinking about it a lot for some reason. I’m not sure if I’m just jealous because as soon as there’s another girl, the friendship is not anywhere close to the same. But at the same time, I’ve wanted that all along, so it’s not fair. Can’t have it both ways. Anyway, so I just put my analytical brain on, and keep going back and forth. this is one of those reasons I hate facebook. What’s real? To me, it seems like total and utter bullshit, but that may just be a defense mechanism. I dunno, everything logically says it’s bullshit. Maybe I’ve spent less time with him in the past few weeks than I thought. But still, it’s kinda weird that he’s had time to farm the kind of relationship that ends in engagement. Maybe it’s a test. Is it a test to see how well I know him? I feel like it’s bullshit and he wouldn’t rush into such a commitment, so it must be a joke.

BUT, at the same time, the comments and everything in response… are legit, like people think they’re engaged. Even if it’s just some old friend he’s known for years… I still can’t see him just up and eloping. But maybe I’m arrogant and really don’t know the guy. Kinda disturbing actually. Maybe what’s more disturbing is I really consider this guy a best friend to me, but sometimes I feel like I could just drop him. Am I a survivor, or just a cold-hearted-bitch? I’m typing on and on about this, this is bothering me a lot I guess. He did call me lupa today… but something tells me he’d call me lupa even if he got married… mm I don’t know. The clues are confusing. I should be a detective? Maybe. I’m like shivering because I’m thinking about it so much. I guess my problem is… I can take things from me, but if they’re taken from me… it’s a completely different story. Completely. Also, I wonder if he avoided coming because of her. That’s one point the other side of the argument has. It goes like this… this weekend, Jon and I planned to hang out all weekend (pretty much), at Wendy’s (my sister) house. We did this some other weekend and it was awesome. We played Rock Band with the kids all day. Was fabulous time. I talked to him on the phone night before it was supposed to happen. He was concerned about money, but he also said he would come one way or another, when I started to say, ‘okay I guess I’ll see you next week.’.

Anyway, so I figured he was coming, and then he didn’t show up that night, and texted me saying he’d come in the morning, then he called in the morning and said they didn’t pay him. It was all really kinda sketchy and weird, like… not him. So that was Saturday, I think, and then we got him to come Sunday evening… so I’m wondering if he was avoiding because of this chick? I kinda think that’s my paranoia talking, but who knows, I kinda think and analyze every aspect of the equation. Oh, by the way, there were pictures on facebook of the ‘promise’ ring (ring pop), which if it were alone, everyone would know it were bullshit. But then there was also a picture of her finger with a ring on it. Okay, a). it could’ve just been some fun day, let’s take the facebook shit even further, b). I’m fairly certain he doesn’t have money like that. And if he does, then him ditching on the plans we had… was bullshit. Which pisses me off and makes me not trust him.

I’m done whispering. I think I’m also done typing. Before I started typing this, I was suddenly awake. Like… awake with my emotions and cold, etc. Now I just feel tired and ready for bed, but it’s still kinda early…

#: 306

Dear parenting world,

A). Yes, your 3 year old has brains.

B). Yes, your 3 year old probably takes advantage of you.

C). Yes, your 3 year old  will cry to get your attention if you give them attention everytime they cry.

D). Your parenting reflects poorly upon your child if they act this way.

Ie. there is this 3.5 year old in camp this week. She is strong. She has talent, she could be a gymnast. Once the parent dropping her off leaves, she’s fine, smiles, particiupates without crying. As soon as a parent is here she cries and melts into their arms; perfect picture of ‘I’m a helpless 3 year old at camp’. Because of her parents, I won’t bother inviting her to any kind of class.

Keep enabling your kids, assholes. :)

#: 304

Emmie,
Now is one of those times when you’re all I have. Which is okay because I can cry on your shoulder and then go to sleep. Everything is too much. I think I could go to school, do homework, and then be at the gym… but I just can’t stand being at the gym all day. Maybe if it was once or twice a week. Nah, dawg. It’s all week long, and multiple weeks in a row. I’m just so done. It’s one thing for Corey or my mom to be working these kind of hours… they’re owners, they’ll ‘eventually’ have a shit load of money from the company. Michelle will dish out, and does dish out, more to them. Paying me more is an unnecessary expense to the company. And I’m not supposed to complain. If I complain I’m a brat, I’m worthless, I don’t care about the family, etcetc.

To add to it, I have 3 and 4 year olds all morning. It wouldn’t be all that bad, if half of them weren’t brats. This one cries and cries in the beginning of camp, her mom comes into the gym EVERY. FUCKING. MORNING. Parents aren’t allowed in the gym unless they’re there for a parent participation class. There is no parent participation for camp. Get. The. Fuck. Out. The whole crying and ‘mommy mommy, I want mommy’ bullshit pisses me off. I’m bigger than you kid, I know you’re playing your mom for everything she’s worth, and you get away with it. I fucking HATE that. UGH. Anyway. It also frustrates me that there are some talented kids in my group, which is usually hard to come by for a group of 3 and 4 year olds. Generally they’re brain dead midgets that are running around over stimulated by all the gym has to offer. Nah, these kids could be good if they weren’t fucking brats. That girl that cries every morning? If I didn’t hate her mother, and how bratty she is and gets away with everything… she could go somewhere in gymnastics. But she won’t because of her mom. I won’t even bother pursuing her because of her mom.

Anyway. So not only do I have camp from 8:30 – 1, I then get dragged back into the gym here and there because I’m everyone’s puppet and have no choice, otherwise I’m always the scape goat for bad employee. But then I teach a class at 4:00. So I teach from 4:00- 5:00, and then I coach from 5:30-8:30. It’s so much. Actually interacting with children takes so much out of you. For that amount of time, it’s insane. Maybe I shouldn’t be a mom. I don’t have it in me, man. I just don’t. I actually pretty much pulled my shit together toward the end of the day. Didn’t feel so grumpy when I got home.

But then of course, I got in pissing matches with two people back to back, and now I just feel that chokey-feeling at the back of my throat right before a panic attack. Funny, I think I’m too tired to even have a panic attack. That chokey feeling has been there for at least 10 minutes, and no panic attack has come. I think I’m that tired, it’s so amazing. Have you ever been so tired you can’t have a panic attack even though it feels like your body needs to have one? I apparently have been that tired before! Yeah. I’m selfish, other people are selfish. The world keeps going. Woot woot. I had a nice evening of Dragon Ball Z and The Guild planned for tonight. The people I was gonna watch with don’t like my long days either, so we’re not doing those things anymore :)!

Big sigh. I just want to cry myself to sleep. I’m so emo. If only I could get my hair as straight as emo kids do. Then I’d be on a ball. Oh yeah… so my little free time is one of the things that stresses me out. There is not enough time for me to get the things done I want to get done in the amount of time allotted. I’m supposed to go to my niece and nephew’s. I’m supposed to see my friend Jon. And then I just want to sit. I just want to sit and bring in all the nothingness that is so lovely from being away from work. I wish I had two days off so I could have one for other people and one for me. Will I even have the energy to go crabbing this weekend if weather/car permits? That’s a sad thought right there. Do I have enough energy to go crabbing? I can’t believe I even have to ask such a question. What is life coming to?

*sigh* All 3 of my favorite people I barely got to talk to today. It stresses me so fucking much. I guess I chased 2 of them away, and then the other one I can’t really talk to because I’m at work all day and can’t talk to him more than 5 minutes. gotta love time zones. I wish I had more people I liked to talk to.

Emmie, help me feel better?


#: 288

My weekend was over all good I suppose. I really need to sleep though. I should’ve crashed right when I got home. I wanted to do geckoly things but I’m just too tired. (Just a random ADD comment since it just happened – I hate this house. I hate that my room and the bathroom are next to each other and that a portion of the wall dividing the rooms is no good. Why do I hate this? Well, for one reason I get to hear everyone grunting when they shit, and I get to hear their ploppity plop noises when they shit. I also would completely see whoever’s showering at the time, naked, if the ghetto towel wasn’t ‘covering’ the hole.) Why am I too tired? Well, night before last I got about 6 hours of sleep. Last night I got a max of 3 hours of sleep. I worked an 11 hour day today. It was quite fantastic.

Also I have this scrape or cut or osmething inside my nose that is upsetting my nose. I scraped off the ‘scab’ and it feels better… which makes me feel like part of it wasn’t a scab and it was a booger that was irritating the delicate broked skin. I also believe this thing has turned into an infection because my right lymph node area is really tender. When I move my neck in certain ways it feels sore, and when I touch it it also feels ssore. I hope I won’t get sick.

Tomorrow I want to be able to take the bus to the computer store to exchange the motherboard and CPU. If this doesn’t work I’m really just not gonna know what to do anymore lol. I think before Itake it back I’ll try one last thing – taking the battery out of the motherboard. If that doesn’t work I really will just admit defeat and try to pack up the motherboard and cpu. Which will be fun. Each time I take something back I realize I don’t really know where the packaging went because I really was so excited to try to buikld a computer I didn’t think I’d need to take anyrthing back. That’s not to say I thought I’d get it perfectly first go, but I really was naive and believed I’d have all working parts.

I wanna feed baby but I’m too tired, so I’ll go to sleep.

<3 Sleeeppppp

#: 287

My sister recently has had several talks with me about how she’s sick of me bitching, and doesn’t want to hear about it, or see posts about it. I’ll assume she doesn’t know this is here. And really… isn’t it a free country to write in a blog? lol. But I guess it’s also a free country for her to fire me over what I write here.

One of the things that really bothers me, is I’m that person at my job that is expected to know how to do everything, and fix every problem. For instance, for whatever reason ‘we’ (by we I mean my sister and her husband) decided to use efax. I don’t see the benefits of it at all so far, to be honest with you, lol. No one knows how to send a fax, and it’s really a pain to send one in comparison to if we just… had a fax machine. Anyway, so my sister calls me and asks me how to use it. I’ve actually explained how to use it multiple times. And the only reason I know how to do it, is because my brother-in-law explained it to me. I sent an e-mail last weekend about how to use it, to everyone that I thought would need to know how to use it. But yeah, she called back after I told her how to do it, and was like, ‘It said this e-mail isn’t authorized.’, There are only certain e-mails that are authorized to send faxes. So she expected me to know how to send an e-mail from one e-mail address instead of the other (there are multiple e-mail accounts on the thunderbird at work)

I wish the computer I ‘built’ with m own two hands would work :( I guess my own two hands aren’t very good.