Emmie,
Now is one of those times when you’re all I have. Which is okay because I can cry on your shoulder and then go to sleep. Everything is too much. I think I could go to school, do homework, and then be at the gym… but I just can’t stand being at the gym all day. Maybe if it was once or twice a week. Nah, dawg. It’s all week long, and multiple weeks in a row. I’m just so done. It’s one thing for Corey or my mom to be working these kind of hours… they’re owners, they’ll ‘eventually’ have a shit load of money from the company. Michelle will dish out, and does dish out, more to them. Paying me more is an unnecessary expense to the company. And I’m not supposed to complain. If I complain I’m a brat, I’m worthless, I don’t care about the family, etcetc.
To add to it, I have 3 and 4 year olds all morning. It wouldn’t be all that bad, if half of them weren’t brats. This one cries and cries in the beginning of camp, her mom comes into the gym EVERY. FUCKING. MORNING. Parents aren’t allowed in the gym unless they’re there for a parent participation class. There is no parent participation for camp. Get. The. Fuck. Out. The whole crying and ‘mommy mommy, I want mommy’ bullshit pisses me off. I’m bigger than you kid, I know you’re playing your mom for everything she’s worth, and you get away with it. I fucking HATE that. UGH. Anyway. It also frustrates me that there are some talented kids in my group, which is usually hard to come by for a group of 3 and 4 year olds. Generally they’re brain dead midgets that are running around over stimulated by all the gym has to offer. Nah, these kids could be good if they weren’t fucking brats. That girl that cries every morning? If I didn’t hate her mother, and how bratty she is and gets away with everything… she could go somewhere in gymnastics. But she won’t because of her mom. I won’t even bother pursuing her because of her mom.
Anyway. So not only do I have camp from 8:30 – 1, I then get dragged back into the gym here and there because I’m everyone’s puppet and have no choice, otherwise I’m always the scape goat for bad employee. But then I teach a class at 4:00. So I teach from 4:00- 5:00, and then I coach from 5:30-8:30. It’s so much. Actually interacting with children takes so much out of you. For that amount of time, it’s insane. Maybe I shouldn’t be a mom. I don’t have it in me, man. I just don’t. I actually pretty much pulled my shit together toward the end of the day. Didn’t feel so grumpy when I got home.
But then of course, I got in pissing matches with two people back to back, and now I just feel that chokey-feeling at the back of my throat right before a panic attack. Funny, I think I’m too tired to even have a panic attack. That chokey feeling has been there for at least 10 minutes, and no panic attack has come. I think I’m that tired, it’s so amazing. Have you ever been so tired you can’t have a panic attack even though it feels like your body needs to have one? I apparently have been that tired before! Yeah. I’m selfish, other people are selfish. The world keeps going. Woot woot. I had a nice evening of Dragon Ball Z and The Guild planned for tonight. The people I was gonna watch with don’t like my long days either, so we’re not doing those things anymore !
Big sigh. I just want to cry myself to sleep. I’m so emo. If only I could get my hair as straight as emo kids do. Then I’d be on a ball. Oh yeah… so my little free time is one of the things that stresses me out. There is not enough time for me to get the things done I want to get done in the amount of time allotted. I’m supposed to go to my niece and nephew’s. I’m supposed to see my friend Jon. And then I just want to sit. I just want to sit and bring in all the nothingness that is so lovely from being away from work. I wish I had two days off so I could have one for other people and one for me. Will I even have the energy to go crabbing this weekend if weather/car permits? That’s a sad thought right there. Do I have enough energy to go crabbing? I can’t believe I even have to ask such a question. What is life coming to?
*sigh* All 3 of my favorite people I barely got to talk to today. It stresses me so fucking much. I guess I chased 2 of them away, and then the other one I can’t really talk to because I’m at work all day and can’t talk to him more than 5 minutes. gotta love time zones. I wish I had more people I liked to talk to.
Hey again,
I’m about to be a bitchy ranter. There’s your disclaimer.
I definitely hate how anytime I try to play something, it just kind of falls to pieces. I feel like it definitely happens every time I try to plan something. It pisses me off so much. for instance, last time there was a holiday I tried to get the whole family to go crabbing. No one ended up going. I was LIVID. My bad for trying to get the fucking family together? It always used to happen with my clique of friends, when I had one. I would plan stuff to go down, and people just ended up dropping out. It happened at my birthday party too. It’s like ‘Why the fuck do I bother?’
But anyway, on to the most recent example. 2-3 weeks ago I got excited because memorial day was coming up. I thought it was a GREAT opportunity to get the family together. I also figured it was an awesome opportunity to be outside having fun, having a social life. Also, my mom and sister have a leotard business. A big hit is tye-dyed leotards. We haven’t made them in a long while. So I figured we could get some of those made! It’s always fun to do tye-dying. So this is kind of a multiple-step disappointment. The first one I saw within the first week or two, but it’s hit fully now. I had been asking and asking between my mom and sister if they would have leotards ready. Wendy kept saying ‘I’ve asked mom’ etc. So I found a bag of leotards for dying last night… there’s only a handful. I was expecting to make hundreds. So yeah. Disappointment a. Okay, now it gets better. I invited my friend Josh down for the fun, figuring we could have fun outside like we did when I went to visit. We played frisbee and it was awesome. So yeah, I had high hopes of frisbee, etc. And we just kept going back and forth and the plans for the weekend got more and more extravagant. So we had decided that we would go to Six Flags on Saturday, and then we’d go to this party at my sister’s house on Sunday. It was gonna be an AWESOME weekend. So anyway, day before yesterday or so we start finalizing things. At some point he was like, ‘dude maybe I’ll even go up and get Todd then come down’. So yeah, we had this awesome weekend planned out. And I have spent a lot of money lately, so I kind of didn’t want to spend the ticket money at 6-flags. So, Josh was kinda like, ‘It’s a lot of driving so we’ll see how I feel after driving from Warren if I’ll come down Saturday morning’. We had discussed possibly going crabbing. I was hoping to do something on Saturday. I took off work for it and all, lol. But yeah, I texted Josh around 9:30, expecting that he left at least. Nupe. Texted around 11:30, still haven’t left. Now around 12:00 he asks if I mind if his gf comes.
I mean I don’t care. I have no jealous about either of them, I have no reason or desire to be jealous. However I am irritated because I just hate what girlfriend do to boys. I really do. She’s going to make him act like a fool. I think he asked with the intent of thinking for some reason I have reason to be jealous or uncomfortable about it. I find it funny, but he’s arrogant that way. Anyhoo. My issues with it are these: Firstly, I already felt mildly weird about invite Josh and Todd to this family outing thing. I mean I invited Lizzie too, but she’s practically family. But yeah, then asking the day before, ‘Oh by the way, sister, do you mind if my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend comes along too? Yeah, I don’t know her either, but Josh is pretty intent on her going.’ The reason beyond inviting someone I’ve never met to a family thing, is that we’re also having a ‘slumber party’ at my sister’s house. So yeah, at this point we’re going to do nothing on this fabulous Saturday that I took off, even though I’ve missed 3 Saturdays already. I wish I didn’t take off work for it. Or rather, I wish Josh would’ve fucking told me that he wasn’t coming, maybe last night would’ve been a nice time to discretely say, ‘I’m not going to be down until Saturday night.’
But yeah. The other issue is just I don’t think she’ll fit in. I just have that gut feeling. I don’t know her at all, so I’m completely judging her. But the thing that Josh, Todd, and I have is ages old. We have history. And she is a fall back girlfriend. As mean as it is, she’s a tiny pinprick on the timeline that is our friendships. I give it mmm… 3 months? Maybe that’s generous. But he’s ‘happy’. We’ll see how long it lasts. He’s fucking his last ‘love interest’s best friend. That never goes well. Plus, he waited a WEEK in between relationships. Really? He can sit there and tell me to wait 3 months, but he’s above his own rules. So yeah. I’m not jealous, I’m just a stuck up bitch who hates females because they’re annoying, and they generally make males act annoying too.
So much for a nice weekend!
P.S. I found a breeder in Northern Virginia (which in general is considerably closer than the previous breeders I had found). www.geckobabies.com
It’s a very humbling experience to experience death first hand. I don’t mean finding something already dead. Of course, that is a humbling experience too. But having something that was alive, breathing, die while you’re sitting there witnessing it? Maybe I’m just dramatic, but it mentally seems to be a life changing event. It makes you feel less… angry at trivial things. My baby leopard gecko died in my hands today. I cradled her in my hands and watched her final twitches. I don’t want to think about it too much, because when I think of it that way it’s kind of a scary thing to think about. It’s something you think would only happen in a movie – never to you. But I guess it kind of already has happened to me. And maybe it traumatized me for life and it’s one of the reasons why death scares me to nearly an irrational point. When I was in 3rd or 4th grade my dog, Lottie killed my other dog, Muddie. She was torn up very badly and laying in shock on this pull-out mattress thing that was part of my bunk bed. I think I absolutely lost my mind, and it was my first, biggest episode with death in my life. I don’t remember that I actually watched her take her last breaths, but I remember my dad saying she was in shock.
Anyway. I’m very sure I saw my baby take her last breaths today. I don’t know how death works, but there were a few head things she did. She was so motionless in my hands. I had been trying to feed her this slurry stuff. It’s got pedialyte, and ensure, and mealworms, it’s like a protein shake for geckos who can’t eat. Or something. She had been moving sometimes when I was giving her it, like she’d get annoyed that I was trying to give it to her. And suddenly she stopped moving. I took her to the bathroom to give her a warm soak. She wouldn’t hold her head up. Previously when I gave her soaks, she would hold her head up. I started getting worried at that point. Sometimes she’d be so sleepy that I could touch her a few times and she wouldn’t respond. But it was different this time. She was so limp, and really not doing anything.I then really thought she was dead. When I kept moving her legs and they were just lifeless and non responsive. I started crying and talking to her and apologizing. In my head I was talking to ‘God’. But not really. I just wanted her to be okay. I had her in my hands and started thinking that my gecko was dying in my hands, and death scared me, and death was gross. But at the same time I was just torn with grief that this little thing that I’ve loved so much for 2 weeks… this little thing that has been my world, is not going to be my world anymore. My grief definitely won the battle. I was rocking back in forth wishing she was the type of pet you could just snuggle. Even though I knew she was dead, an icky dead corpse, I wanted to snuggle my baby and tell her I loved her and tell her it would be okay now, and tell her I’m sorry because she never had a name, and tell her I’m sorry because I didn’t save her. I held her and was hunched over and rocking a bit. I then looked close and saw her breathing. I got excited, and I guess that was the point where I really thought of ‘think-talking’ to ‘God’. And I kept chanting, ‘Please please please’, but of course she was really dying here. Her limps were lifeless. I would touch her and she would not respond at all. Then over the course of 5 minutes or so, she probably jerked her head faintly maybe.. 3-4 times in intervals. I assume that was an electrical response or something. Just her systems shutting down, using extra energy. After a few of those jerks I really stopped thinking it was her getting any ‘better’. Maybe the first one I thought she was fighting to stay alive. After that I just figured she was dying slowly… in my hands. I decided to put her back in her tank so she could rest peacefully. I stood there for a minute thinking about it first I think. Bawling my fucking eyes out, with my tiny gecko in my hands. I put her down on the paper towel, and of course I can’t lay her flat if she’s laying flat in my hand. I put her down and she was kinda tilted on her side… and she just kinda.. didn’t fix herself. It made me cry more and really just… made it a deafening roar that I could no longer escape. I put her hide over her even though she had to be gone. I think I said I love you and I’m sorry. I think my dad walked in the house not even 5 minutes after that.
As I was changing into work clothes in the bathroom I heard my dad taking off the top of the tank on her cage and moving stuff in there. By the time I was out, he was too, and it looked as if she wasn’t touched. I then told him my experience that I just listed here, and he said, ‘Well when I just went in there and held her… I don’t think she’s with us.’ I really kept my composure well. A few minutes after that, he said, ‘If she’s stiff before you get home, she won’t be there anymore.’ my response was, ‘Okay, please ut her with everyone else (wilbird and Cezzie in the front yard). ‘
My coworker, Brandon, who’s what I’d consider an acquaintance I guess, but could be a friend. He’s definitely a friend when we’re at work, but we’ve never hung out outside of work, but if we did I would consider him a friend. He came into my office when I was crying, I wiped my face and knew I couldn’t play actress, no way in hell. SO I just told him. He made it much easier for me to work. He hugged me multiple times and apologized and we talked for a good 10 minutes or so. It was really helpful, along with teaching kids I actually like. I didn’t necessarily care like I normally would… it was hard to stay positive and focused rather than lazy and looking at my watch every 30 seconds. But the cupcakes were a nice touch..
Driving up the hill on Plyers Mill Rd was hard. It was full of anxiety. I knew it was going to be devestating to not come home to that baby anymore. To come home and not have that need to help her… that want to have her in my life for a long time. What do you do? It’s life altering. I attach easily, and suck things into my life. If they’re taken away… how do you adjust? I don’t know. But as soon as we pulled into outside of our house and I walked up the steps, it got worse. I saw the fresh dirt and I teared up. I blew her a kiss and said I love you. I can’t wait until the pain subsides and it’s just normal to see her in the ground in the front yard instead of seeing her every morning in my room. God, I miss her so much.
Experiencing death that way is life changing. Experiencing sickness, experiencing just… a race against time. Trying to run from death, changes you. I tried to sprint with that baby, I tried sprinting from death with her in my hands. But I guess I don’t run very fast.
I love you, baby. Rest in peace, okay? I hope you’re not hurting anymore. I’m sorry I couldn’t take the pain away. I’m sorry you couldn’t eat so much like I know you wanted to. I would’ve fed you anything you wanted. I fucking hate crickets.
But I fucking love you.
Good night, sleepyhead.
P.S. The PC has windows on it now. But I could give a shit less.
My sister recently has had several talks with me about how she’s sick of me bitching, and doesn’t want to hear about it, or see posts about it. I’ll assume she doesn’t know this is here. And really… isn’t it a free country to write in a blog? lol. But I guess it’s also a free country for her to fire me over what I write here.
One of the things that really bothers me, is I’m that person at my job that is expected to know how to do everything, and fix every problem. For instance, for whatever reason ‘we’ (by we I mean my sister and her husband) decided to use efax. I don’t see the benefits of it at all so far, to be honest with you, lol. No one knows how to send a fax, and it’s really a pain to send one in comparison to if we just… had a fax machine. Anyway, so my sister calls me and asks me how to use it. I’ve actually explained how to use it multiple times. And the only reason I know how to do it, is because my brother-in-law explained it to me. I sent an e-mail last weekend about how to use it, to everyone that I thought would need to know how to use it. But yeah, she called back after I told her how to do it, and was like, ‘It said this e-mail isn’t authorized.’, There are only certain e-mails that are authorized to send faxes. So she expected me to know how to send an e-mail from one e-mail address instead of the other (there are multiple e-mail accounts on the thunderbird at work)
I wish the computer I ‘built’ with m own two hands would work I guess my own two hands aren’t very good.
The act of actually building something is kind of cool to me, but generally after I’ve built something it doesn’t work like it was supposed to… so it makes me never want to build something again. It happened with my ikea furniture, and now with my computer. I’m really annoyed that I’ve been trying to make it work for ATLEAST a cumulative of 8 hours now. at least. Not sure exactly how much. Started building it last night, and tried getting it working most of today, and most of tonight. Still shit wrong with it. Mike thinks he knows what’s wrong, and of course I’ll have to go to that godforsaken store again. (Microcenter). I’m really over it at this point. I’ve felt ‘done’ with trying for hours now. Of course Mike keeps going and going and I just get annoyed with him. Him and Daniel both do that shit. Like they shove me over the edge with their persistence when I’m just done with it.
So I guess I hope Mike is right, just to know what’s wrong. But then again if he’s wrong again I’m going to be even more pissed off, because that means that I took another trip to Microcenter, came home, and the computer doesn’t work.
Plus, I’m sick of this baby gecko tearing my heart apart. Why can’t it just live up to my expectations already? Maybe I should just be grateful that it ate yesterday. But I’m not. I want it on a schedule. I want it eating regularly. I want it eating like a normal baby should.
out
Alyx
Oh, btw. Isn’t it cool? I’m a brat because I complain about how much I work. dunchu know? Everyone works as much, or more than I do. Which makes me a whining brat. ) <3<3
So really. If I’m like this over a baby leopard gecko, I’m really concerned that I’ll be one of those gay overbearing parents to a real human child. I’ve been losing some sleep over this baby gecko. And I’ve had a gecko dream in the last week, etc. Today’s crisis has been going on off and on for a few days, but the temperature was so low today that I just kinda lost it a bit. I finally decided that the heating pad under baby’s tank is bad. I’d guess it’s been going on for at least 3 days. It would suddenly get cold in the tank. It was really stressing. I mean with Schnee if he has a few hours, or even a night or two in the cold I’m sure it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll find him dead. I think with the baby every little thing counts. The heat helps them digest properly, etcetc. And if they don’t have the proper head for some time (less extreme drop) they won’t eat as much (kinda like a hibernation-type deal). So yeah, I think the roller coaster temperature might be affecting my baby’s eating. I’d really like to get on a normal schedule of 3-5 crickets a day. I really loathe crickets, but I mean… if the baby likes crickets, I’ll just have to deal with that. Schnee and Cezzie were easy and would eat Superworms. Of course they like chasing crickets, but I really hate crickets. I have to catch them after they’re done eating, and they give disease, and sometimes they’re loose in my room… they’re just gross. I think when I go to the store today I might get some phoenix worms to see if baby will eat those. So far s/he is not big on worms. Wouldn’t eat a wax worm (high in fat, supposed to only serve as a ‘treat’ sort of deal… but wanted the fat for his/her tail), s/he ate one meal worm the first day s/he ate, but puked it out. Or didn’t digest it well, and it didn’t like… turn into poop. it was still a worm. So yeah. Only crickets so far, but hopefully when s/he is older we can start using a food source that is easier. Crickets are just fucking annoying.
Anyway, yeah. Any people who are faithful people hope/pray/wishuponastar for my baby to pull through. <3
Yes, I apologize. I know whoever is reading this is sick of the emo bullshit already. However, fuck you, if you don’t like it, don’t read it. This blog is for me not you. xD
Generally when I’m in the shower I have my most clear, cohesive thought processes. Sadly they’re not always motivating or positive, but sometimes I do like to sit while water is pouring on me, and just think. These are the two epiphanies I’ve had today:
I’m the kind of friend that is never thought of. I’m never the one that people go, ‘oh wow, I should text her and see how she is.’ there’s never a thought of ‘Oh heeeyy I wonder how Alyx is doing!’ I’ve always been the person who contacts people when I want to interact. It pisses me off. Even when they had time, and I had time, and I actually had a gaggle of friends, it was always me planning the get togethers. Why? Am I selfish or something for feeling like I should be one of those people that gets talked to on a weekly, or daily basis? I don’t know that I’ve ever had a friend like that that wasn’t a boyfriend. Besides online friends when I was a teenager. And even then, it never stays. Why can’t I have the friends that last a life time? Why am I a phase to people? Or why are people a phase to me? Why can’t I just fit in and stick? Or why can’t I just get over it and move on with my life?
Another part to that similar thought process is that I’m a usable person. I think most guys I’ve been interested in that I haven’t been in a relationship with have just kinda used me. Whether on purpose or not, I was pretty much used for one reason or another. I’m not the type of girl to say ‘omg all guys are pigs, they don’t know how to treat me’. I’d assume some of it has to do with the way I present myself and carry myself, which sucks. I guess I come off as a person that’s easily taken advantage of, a whore, whatever.
Maybe I’m just not the mentally mature person I’ve thought I was for the past year or so. Maybe I just need to live life more. Maybe I just need more experience than on the computer. I don’t know. I hate looking at how impossible it is for me to live in the place I’ve grown up in. I was in the shower and thinking about it. If I’m not going to live in my parents house, and I’m not going to earn a degree, I can’t live in Montgomery County. That thought crushes me more than imaginable. I hate how unfair it is. I remember looking up how much it costs to live where Tim lives, and where Josh lives, it costs like 3-4 times more to live here, to rent an apartment. Why is it like that? Why can’t I just afford to live in the place I grew up? Why am I so selfish and think life is unfair?
I guess I’m just a spoiled girl from the U.S. who has no fucking idea how hard life is. I guess I need to get spontaneous and live through some experiences that would really make me understand a bit better how other people have to live.
So, yeah. I hope I’ll get completely better soon. When I’m sitting here doing nothing, and there’s no one to talk to (often), I get anxious in my stomach. I don’t even know why. It’s not like specific triggers set off the anxiety. It just happens, and I become worried about my life that seems meaningless. The big trigger for all of it though was my last weekend, which was really amazing.
I went to see really old friends from when I RPed when I was a teenager. Tom was the original, then I met Josh and Todd through Tom. What makes all of it interesting is they all loved me at some point when we were teenagers. I actually ‘dated’ Tom and Josh, but I had a ‘physical relationship’ with Todd. It made it different that way. I had always seen Todd as ‘the one who got away’. Don’t get me wrong, all this history didn’t make it so I was like fantasizing because I was in the presence of all these people I used to love. Nah, it wasn’t like that at all. It was really… like a bunch of old high school buddies getting together for one last laugh before our lives rocket into intense responsibility and adulthood; families, kids, etc.
And that’s the problem with it. I had so much fun, I didn’t want it to just disappear… but it did. I’ve tried calling Nat, but someone said her phone is off until the bill gets paid. I’ve tried calling Todd multiple times, he’s never there. I just want to talk to these people and pretend I have friends again. I really just felt like I had a LIFE for three days. And then suddenly the people from my LIFE are sucked out of it. Prior to me going up there, I got to talk to Josh more than I got to talk to Daniel. Josh made time to talk to me, even though he has two jobs and school. We pretty much talked on the phone every night, or were texting. It may be a bit of a dramatization, because there were times when we didn’t talk. But because Daniel goes to bed early, and because of my work schedule, and because of WoW, at that point I really was talking to Josh more than Daniel. Not in an affair type of way, but it was really nice to have a friend, have someone to talk to about things.
I don’t have that anymore. A few days before I went to Sheffield and Warren, Josh met this girl. I think he just doesn’t want to get his hopes up about it, so he’s very non chalant about the whole thing. He calls her his ‘love interest’. Anyway, so I was talking to him on the phone the other night, and he told me that there’s now two of them. Girls fighting over him. Great :\ Girls always mean there’s no time for friends anymore. It happened with Eric, now happening with Josh. It really sucks. And I guess I’m jealous, but I don’t think I’m jealous in a romantic way. I’m jealous because I felt like we were really best friends-like. Now he only calls me if he’s worried that I’m that sad, he just wants to make me smile. Which is really nice of him and everything. But eh, maybe I’m asking too much. Or maybe I’m worried it really will turn out like Eric did.
Another thing to be anxious about is my relationship. For the past month I’ve really been worrying about how unrealistic it is, and stuff like that. I really didn’t get affection as a kid. I never have really gotten affection from my family. Never ‘I love you’, never hugs and kisses. Well, I’m sure I got those things, but I was too young to remember when I still got them. My family isn’t open about their feelings. Yes, I KNOW my family loves me. But it’s intimidating to feel like I’m not allowed to hug anyone in my family even if I wanted to. But, with that being said, I really need a physical relationship. Prior to this relationship, I’d only really gone 8 months (while in a relationship) without getting a hug or a kiss or any of that. If Daniel and I last long enough, it will be a year and 5 months. A YEAR. AND FIVE MONTHS. In between being able to touch each other. I can’t DO this shit, dude. It’s too fucking hard. Maybe it would feel easier if he could help me financially, but he can’t. He’s already giving every cent he makes to his mom for bills. I don’t want to give up one of the greatest loves of my life… but it’s like he said in the very beginning, ‘I don’t want an e-relationship with you.’ I don’t want this e-stuff anymore. He plays WoW more than he talks to me. I understand needing ‘me’ time, and maybe I’m just a bratty, selfish person. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW.
I’m so lonely. I wish I had friends. As emo as that sounds, it’s so sincere.
Alyx
You know, lately (within the last 12 months or so), I think on average I’ve probably told people that I’ve been pretty good, pretty stable. In general, I’d probably say that I trudge along best I can. For some reason, the last 2-4 weeks have been really rough on me. Even with spring break where I basically did no school work, and I didn’t do any math for a few weeks. I’m just unhappy. I get stressed easily, overwhelmed by the accumulation of shit.
I think this is the second week in a row where I’ve had a borderline panic attack, well, actually, last week I had a full-blown panic attack. Today I’ve had 3 or 4 instances where my throat has seemed to lock up and it’s been hard to breathe, but not quite full on panic attack.
My dad just announced that he is going to 31-flavors. Time to indulge and possibly feel better. Then I’ll come back and tell you some more. Oh, also, I’m about to fuck up all the exercise I just did – yay.
Okay, back. So, anyway. I guess I’ll start from the beginning of the day. It’s been one of those things where I guess if it was one thing or another it wouldn’t be so bad, but it’s just been thing after thing that has built up all day. First things first. MATH! YYAYYY. We all know how awesomely abusive the relationship is between Alyx and Mathematics, yeah? Wooo. Well, anyway. Last night I was finishing up homework so that I could then study for 2 tests I would take today. Now, a little tidbit about my math class. It’s online. All of the deadlines are not concrete. He has suggested target dates for test taking throughout the semester. So basically, I’m responsible for taking my tests. The first two I had to take back to back because of snow, and then the second two I had to take back to back because I’m going on a ‘vacation’ weekend to see Josh, Todd, and Tom in PA. If I wasn’t going I could’ve taken one next Friday. But part of the issue is that I depend on other people for rides, so it’s a pain to get me to campus to take the tests. So it’s probably better that I’ve taken 2 at a time, so my dad only has to take me so many times. Anyway, so I woke up at 7:30 this morning to start studying for the test, because my dad wanted to leave so that he could work. I didn’t realize he’d be rushing right at 8:30, so I didn’t get nearly as much studying done as I want to. So I was almost freaking out, then figured I could find a computer lab and study there. So while I’m in the math computer lap, I’m sitting next to these two obnoxious assholes or are watching youtube and laughing. I can hear them over my headphones. Yeah, then as I’m going further and further through I’m getting really stressed and anxious. Math generally always does this to me, especially under time constraints. It took me 7 hours to do around 30-40 math homework questions before. Yeah, that’s how I roll. Well anyway. I kept worrying because I couldn’t figure the shit out that I needed to figure out to make my practice test scores better than failing. It got to the point where I was sincerely running out of time. I spent at least 3-4 hours studying for these tests. I didn’t confident in the slightest, quite opposite. I had started tearing up multiple times as time progressed and I didn’t progress. My stress and anxiety was unbearable. I tried not to outright cry in that computer lab, but I most definitely had a few tears go. I actually had the beginnings of a panic attack, right there in public. Weee. So anyway, I go to the assessment center, and sit down and start putting formulas into my calculator. I realize I should’ve done this at home and get worried that someone’s going to judge me, after all this is cheating. Basically I make a program on the calculator that has the different formulas I need, and then I archive it (in case the people there clear my memory). This past test I never used my cheat. I wasted 10 minutes of my precious time putting the formulas in there, and then I get the test and my professor had included the formulas. I was blown. But anyway, time was a huge concern while taking the test. I had to take two tests in an hour and a half. My chest kept fluttering once I realized what kind of time I DIDN’T have for the second test, which was longer. Anyway. This fact was rubbed in by the people who work at the testing center. I was asked twice if I was sure if I wanted to take the test, since it was a 2 hour test and the assessment center closed in 45 minutes. I’m a very self conscious person when it comes to certain things. Like during the test I was worried of my professor feeling very ‘told ya so’ if he saw that I failed the test and only did it in 20 minutes, or however long I took on the second test.
Anyway, smaller stresses prior to the test was that I was trying to talk to Daniel while having my mini panic attack and he wasn’t on. It was really stressing. Not really a stress, but I guess after I took the test I couldn’t get in touch with my dad for some minutes, and I wanted to know if I had a ride, but I felt bad asking for him to come and get me, but I was stressed and my body hurt from stress, and I didn’t want to have to take the bus.
The stress and anxiety of the test, was the biggest stress that made everything else worse. So moving on. So on the way home, my dad and I stop at Burger King. Of course I have internal dialogue that fights over the fact that I shouldn’t eat that bad stuff for me, but that I’m so stressed and I just want it. I also worry everytime I waste money, because I really don’t have money. Oh yeah, another annoying thing. Gum helps me concentrate, and I really wanted some for my test, so I just figured after I studied I’d go to the book store and buy some gum. So I changed the route entirely (and wasted my time) by going to the book store, when the book store was closed. So I didn’t get gum, I had a mini panic about that because it just added onto the fact that I was gonna fail, and I had no gum to help, and I wasted precious time by going to that other building.
Moving on. I get home, and decided that I should try to force myself to exercise because it might help the stress go away. So I decide I wanna push myself and work out for an hour! After all, I did it last Friday after a huge panic attack, and the next day I felt like a million bucks. A sore million, but a million. So while I’m working out I see Schnee come out of sleepiness and his eyes were open. Lately I always see him with his eyes closed and he looks tired all the time. I smiled and got excited to see his eyes open and decided to pause my work out to feed him. Then I noticed that his eyelids are swollen, and I just got really anxious and started thinking about Cezzie. I tried to keep working out, and for a few exercises I managed to keep working out. But then I just couldn’t. The anxiety was intense. I started thinking about how I don’t know when I can get a ride to take him to the vet (again, I depend on people to take me places, and the vet is a good 30 minutes away). I was worrying that he’s condition would be really bad by the time I could take him to the vet, and I just started spiraling. In between exercises I would look in his tank to see if he’d moved or his eyes were open. After some running I just couldn’t focus anymore. I stopped and cleaned his cage out some, and misted it.
After that, I had a conversation with Daniel. It really wasn’t helpful. It actually made everything worse. Basically he was just coming up with solutions that are ‘easy’ things for him, when it’s kinda ‘impossible’ for me. It’s apparently, to him, really easy to get off work tomorrow so I can take Schnee to the vet. YEah, I’m going to be able to get an appointment such short notice. Yeah, I’m going to be able to get someone to cover all my stuff tomorrow, Yeah, np, I’ll be able to have a ride whenever I need it. Then, he goes on about how easy it is for me to get my license. Because there is one care out of the 4 cars we own that I’m able to drive, and no one ever drives it. I’m supposed to drive WITH someone. I can’t legally drive alone, and I have to drive in a parking lot first because that’s how long it’s been since I’ve driven. I guess it doesn’t even matter how the conversation went exactly. The point is, I was already on the verge of tears, I didn’t want to have to have a technical conversation about how every flaw I have is easily preventable by x, y, and z. I just wanted my fucking boyfriend, you know? It was ridiculous. He was just so insensitive in the moment. And when I pretty calmly explained that I didn’t want to talk about any of the things that made my day absolutely shitty, he (of course) goes on to say about how will that help me in life, and etcetc. I just lost it after that. Like when I straight up tell you in a calm way what you’re doing to upset me, you just respond with something in a similar tone and subject of the upsetting shit? I really lost it. I started crying hysterically, hyperventilating, etc. I told him, ‘Fine. Fine, Daniel, I’ll just talk to someone else about it.’ ‘K. See ya.’ Thanks, awesome boyfriend! Hope you’re having fun playing WoW!
Now I just feel drained. I feel like I’m dry of tears, and there’s only sadness and depression remaining in my core.
I’m really sad. I’m feeling really lonely and missing my boyfriend a lot lately. I miss companionship and stuff. I miss him being around, I miss talking to him with him being a few feet away. I love giving him kisses whenever I want even if it annoys him. I miss giving him hugs even if he’s trying to duel someone. I miss my boyfriend. I won’t get to see him for a long time still. It’s been about 7 months now, maybe a bit less, or a bit more, but I probably won’t get to see him for another 8 months, maybe we can see each other in July. Maybe once we make concrete plans to see each other again I’ll miss him less. Right now it feels so depressing and heart breaking to be so in love with someone to only see them once every year and a half. It’s really depressing to not know when I’ll see my love again.
It’s really sad to crave attention from anyone who will give it to me, and physical affection from anyone who will give it to me, but in the end I just want it from him. I just want his love, and I love him so much. I miss him so much. I wish we could be together. What’s terrifying further is thinking if this relationship is worth it. Wondering if we’ll ever be able to be permanently together. To say ‘I haven’t seen my boyfriend since July, but I probably won’t see him until December’ is scary, it’s a scary realization, and it makes me wonder if we can stick it out until we can afford to live together, and what makes me more scared is that I have NO idea when we’d be able to afford that. It costs so much to live here… I hope we’ll last, I like our relationship so much.
!
I guess my own two hands aren’t very good.
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