Category Archives: Stress

What You’ve Missed

Dear Emmie,
You have missed a lot and I am sorry for that. I guess it could be a good thing. A young girl often needs a diary because she is not comfortable telling her deepest secrets to someone else. Maybe it means I’ve been okay with the support system I’ve had? I don’t know. I sort of stopped my Emmie correspondence around the time Eric, Brandon, and Jimmy moved here. My boyfriend, my best friend, and another friend that ended up moving a few months into the new arrangement. The rest of us still live together although we live not in a town house but in a house my brother owns. His decision to buy this house rested solely on the agreement that me, Eric, and Brandon would live here. Then we brought on two of my other friends, Patrick and Nick.

It’s all been pretty great except that I’ve accrued a lot of debt from the whole adventure. At least I don’t cry about it every single night like I used to. At some point you just accept that it’s just too difficult to change and it will be a long time until your life resembles anything you dreamed of as a child. It’s one of those life lessons that no one can tell you and that you only learn from the heartache and struggle of going through obstacles yourself. It’s hard to tell someone, “Look, I’ve been there, you need to lower your expectations of your dreams and life in general.” More than that, how can you tell someone to try to adapt? To try to accept that things can be different and still be perfectly awesome? You can’t. They’ll either realize that or won’t.

Anyway, it’s really great to live in a house full of people whom love you. Not that my parents didn’t love me… But it’s different here. I have lots of psychological issues and I can have a break down at any moment. It’s pretty impressive to know everyone I live with would do anything to help me if they could. It’s not just the love though… We all mesh really well together. We all have the same interests, we do stuff together regularly. When you’ve lived you’re entire teenage years and most of your adult years on the internet it is remarkable to suddenly have friends. It sounds really sad but it’s completely different to have people you can hang out with all the time that don’t ditch.

Anyway, so the more recent crazy thing that happened to me is medical issues. Since December I’ve been sick off and on. More specifically in February colds turned into a diagnosis of a sinus infection. Then two more. Then my ENT said if it happened again I would need to get a CT scan. Got the CT scan, was told to go to a neurologist (keep in mind every one of these times going to the doctor is not just a copay, but a bill sent to me later). Neurologist put me on a medication called Gabapentin which is a nerve pain reliever and a week’s worth of steroids. For the first time in weeks I was pain free. Sadly the steroids were tapered and it started coming back. I was devastated. My mental state was deteriorating. I had suicidal thoughts regularly because it was so hard to be in pain no matter how much medication I took. I was diagnosed with cluster headaches.

I wasn’t supposed to go back until a later date. The pain was the same even on the Gabapentin. Of course during all of this Eric and I are both reading about stuff and trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and all about the medicine, and all that. I read from forums of other peoples’ experience that Gabapentin can take up to months to work all the way. So I have a job and stuff, so I don’t have time to be debilitated for a month more than I already had been. Long story short, lots of doctor visits, 5 weeks of continuous pain, CT scan, MRI scan, Eric dealing with me, etc later I have a ‘headache disorder’ called Hemicrania Continua. I hate that it’s called a headache disorder because I’ve had plenty of headaches in my life and nerve pain feels NOTHING like a headache. It’s a rare disorder that only rarely goes into remission and required medication for the rest of the sufferer’s life.

Anyway I am sick of writing and will write more tomorrow.

xoxo!

sig

Lifee!

Herro~
So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:
Jaundice

Bruise from blood being drawn:
Bruise

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:
Ice

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.
yum

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!
IV

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.
hand

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx

I miss Mike.

I wish I could get him out of my fucking head. He hasn’t talked to me in almost a month and a half. Some how this time it feels much longer. I’m surprised it’s not longer. I guess it feels longer because I somehow in my heart think he’s not coming back this time. I think the last time I’ll ever have spoke to him was an argument about something I found silly. But whatever, I guess I should know better, right? He’s done this to me so many times since I’ve known him. I’ve called it his ‘disappearing’ trick. there was one time where he didn’t talk to me for a year. A year, even when me e-mailing things like: ‘Hey, how are you? I hope everything is okay, I hope you’re not working yourself to death’ every few weeks. He was deleting my e-mails. How awesome is that?

The reasons why I think he’s never going to come back is because the last time we talked was an argument, so it’s not even just that he’s busy with work and can’t make time to say hi, even though that may help him avoid me. And, I had told him I would give us a second shot if he could decide that he could make time in his life for me. His parents own a business and he gets that business when they give it to him. If he has an international girlfriend, it’ll be difficult to run the business. My theory is that he’s decided ‘I’m not going to do this’ but instead of telling me he’s avoiding me. He’s not just avoiding me, he also is busy with work.

I wish I could get him out of my head. I wish I could stop thinking how he could fix my tears when I have a bad day. I wish I could stop thinking we were so happy, I wish I could have it again. If he’s done with me, I wish I could be done with him.

Sadness

League of Legends is a security blanket. When I play League of Legends I don’t think about the things in my life that bother me. League of Legends is an addiction for me. When League of Legends goes bad, I become a heaped mess of sadness, tears, and depression. I know, this is incredibly sad. I’m just a sick individual. But no need to be in denial about it.

I would say for the last 2 months or so I have had fun only a small portion of the time I was playing League. Lately though it’s been really bad. I’ve been not only not having fun, but been really upset about what’s going on. A few weeks ago I uninstalled after a series of games where I just wasn’t having fun. I decided it would be best if I uninstalled because I could do things that made more sense (homework). I uninstalled for 5 days and reinstalled after having a good day at school, expecting to be able to play the way I did prior to having shitty games. I think I got worse in the time I wasn’t playing.

I don’t feel like writing amymore.

fml

Friends = Stress

Sometimes having friends is stressful. Like you care so much about them, love ‘em to death… but they don’t necessary see themselves in the same light that you do… they also may live life a different way than you do which can be stressful. I’m exhausted from that conversation and the day in general.

Love you even though you stress me!
Alyx

Epiphany

So now I understand why League of Legends is an addiction for me. I use League of Legends as a mindless activity I do. While I’m playing it I really don’t think about my surroundings, my life. I don’t think about the things that bother me on a day to day basis. I don’t think about how much I hate my life when I play League of Legends. Sometimes I play too long at a time and I get into a bad mood from a bad game, or from a series of bad games… and then it’s like my protection failed so I have even more to be upset about.

Then I start thinking about how LITERALLY my life is League of Legends. Every waking moment of my free time in the last 2-3 weeks I have only played League. I haven’t even spent time on school work at home because I’ll play League instead. I have no motivation for anything I need to get done. Things I really need to do, absolutely need to do I avoid doing because of League. I haven’t cleaned my gecko’s tank even though I’ve been needing to do it for 3 weeks. I then get upset when geckos die because I don’t prioritize them the way they should be prioritized. Wow, I am a sick human being. But not just for that reason I guess.

If you knew what this house looked like. If you knew the state of disrepair I have lived in my whole life… maybe some of my issues could be explained that way. I have never lived in a normal home and I have never had a friend over — IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. My room gets worse as the days go by. It was normal at some point in time for some period of time, but I have no idea when that will ever happen again. My dresser is broken so I have nowhere to put clothes, so they’re on the floor. Mingled with trash, etc. Oh that’s not considering how the dogs make the house disgusting too. There are so many just absolutely disgusting things about this house that if a normal person came in here without psychological barriers they would be scarred for life, and I’ve lived here my entire life. It actually could probably be featured on one of those tv shows.

But anyway, I digress. I hate my life. I have no motivation to fix it, and that’s where League of Legends comes in. I play League of Legends to run away from my problems, to not have to face my demons. Talking to people doesn’t help because… well the only thing that will make me better is to take steps towards being happy about my life, and I don’t do that because all I do as soon as I get near my computer is play League. Whilst obligation after obligation stacks up or comes and goes.

And of course someone close to me hasn’t talked to me in a while which bothers me, but I don’t need to get into that. Need to just not think about it and leave it as it is.

yay life. yay adult hood.

If you died tomorrow would you be happy about the state of your life today? I wouldn’t.

Anxiety

Hey Emmie,
I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. In theory that’s a really good analogy. Here’s why… I’ve never choked to death. Every time I’ve ever bitten off more than I can chew, I just chew and chew and chew. Usually I don’t even need my gag reflex… everything just waits it’s turn to be chewed and swallowed. If I use this analogy than I can have hope that I’ll make it through this semester with all As and a C (calculus), or all A Bs and a C. Or just all passing grades… I guess would suffice, but not really. But really, I’m scared. I’m terrified. I’m petrified. I don’t think I’ll make it through okay. It’s so impressive what the stress from one class can do to your work ethic for every other class.

Math defeats me. Absolutely defeats me. I can’t do math. My brain doesn’t do it. It completely shuts down as soon as there is something I don’t understand or can’t do.

School, boys, etc.

Hey Emmie,
Last few nights I’ve found myself laying in bed wishing I had someone to confide in, but looking through my phone I couldn’t find anyone that wouldn’t have bias… or just I knew what they would say in response. I knew what their advice would be, and I don’t want to hear it and it wouldn’t be helpful at all. So I’m going to pretend that writing here will help even though you won’t respond at all. I’m going to pretend that ‘getting it out’ helps this problem.

Before I start on my issues and my current life, I’m sorry that your layout is so gross. I actually hate it, but I also no longer have confidence in my ability to design decent websites. Which sucks because I am wrangled into making a website for my vet (if he ever gets me the information, etc.) Hopefully I can get into that mindset when the time comes. And maybe when that mindset comes I will try to make you look nice and pretty as you should. :) Moving on…

There is this boy that has been in my life for many years. I’m going to change the story a bit just for the purpose of anonymity for him, in case he doesn’t want his part in my life all over the internet. I’m going to call him… Sexy. We’ll go with that. (He is sexy, after all!) I have known Sexy for at least 5 years now. For the last few years while I was with Daniel I always had him in the back of my head. Regardless of whatever history or lack there of we have, I always had him in my head and always kinda wanted that chance with him that never came to full fruition. I don’t think I ever full out wanted to leave Daniel for him, but I always passive aggressively thought to myself, “I would love a chance with Sexy” Sexy and I haven’t had too much time in the last few years, so we haven’t consistently talked, but of course anytime we had time we were quite inseparable. It’s hard to tell this story without specifics because then everyone who has ever read my blog or has ever been a part of my life for any period of time will know exactly who I’m talking about. Regardless, for the last 2-3 weeks I’ve really been thinking on it. I kinda have this opportunity to try to be with Sexy, but I’m very scared about it. I’m scared about the distance and the history and all this other stuff. Maybe I’m also just starting to hide in my shell. People want me to hang out all the time, and because I’m so busy with school and work I always want to sit at home and game. Not having a boyfriend helps this lifestyle of sitting at home and gaming. It’s sad that I prefer that right now. But if I let myself fall for people, I might fuck up in school. Love, boys are distracting to me having a successful life on my own without a boy being involved. Don’t get me wrong, I want a man in my life… but I want to be able to support myself. I don’t want to be totally dependent.

Anyway, I’m definitely going on a tangent here. I’ve always wanted a chance with Sexy. I always have. I think we would be very happy together. But there are complications that scare me and make me not want to try it. But I want to meet him in person, but then won’t I fall in love with him? Shouldn’t I try to experience ‘IRL’ relationfails, I mean ships? I donno. But the reason it’s bugging me so much more now, is he won’t talk to me. I’ve tried to convince myself that he’s just busy as usual. But we had this huge fight the other day about League. I guess it wasn’t just about League, it’s just how he handles things with me and I see him as insensitive. Even when I explain what I meant after I blew up I guess it wasn’t enough. He actively doesn’t go on our messenger of choice and instead I can only say Hi to him via text or Steam. It drives me nuts because I think of him all day and hope I’ll get to talk to him, but then I don’t because he’s nonchalant, cold, etc. It might just be me imagining it, I don’t know. My experiences with Daniel and other people in between (rushed flings, I guess you could call them) have really… made me shut down. Not totally shut down, not in that sense. But I think relationshipwise I’m empty. I don’t feel any real… childish thrill over anyone. I used to always have that feeling either with sad boyfriend or someone I was just talking to that would make me happy. I don’t have that with anyone right now, and it’s kind of weird. The closest thing to it is Sexy. It’s hard to explain with him though. I’ve always had feelings for him, and now that i’m scared shitless it’s almost like some of those feelings are locked up. I have feelings for him, think of him all the time, want to talk to him all the time, he makes me smile, I make him smile, we say endearing things. All this stuff and I feel really scared to commit to him. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not ready for a relationship yet since Daniel, or if it’s because… blah I don’t know. It’s really hard and confusing because I do have feelings for him, do want to be with him, and then my logic goes, ‘Look at all these things.’ My logic never lets me live life.

I am in my first semester towards going to University of Maryland’s Smith school of Business. It’s a lot of work and is pretty difficult. I think it’ll get considerably easier after the Calculus this semester. I think most of my energy that I don’t want depleted goes into that. By that I mean… I’d rather spend that 3 hours messing up my Balance Sheet for Accounting than I would teaching myself math that half the time I don’t fully understand. I am currently taking 5 classes while working roughly 30 hours a week. I am taking The Human Body, Applied Calculus for business/science majors, Accounting 1, Micro Economics, Statistics for Business. I got lucky with the professor I chose for Stat because his class is easy and easy to understand. Accounting is accounting but I have a great professor. I hate my economics class for a variety of reasons, the human body is online (flip through a textbook, answer quiz questions, carry on), Applied calculus is also online (it’s a lot of work).

Onto the next boy issue. Or upcoming issue, impending issue, etc. I have an acquaintance. Let’s call this acquaintance… Neko. I dunno why I wanna call him Neko, but whatever. I met Neko kinda recently and the first time we hung out I realize he’s cool and everything, and we talk via text kinda often I guess, and I just get the impression he’s into me. I’m not going into details, again for anonymity purposes. Not that Neko would ever read this or even find this, but whatever. Anyway, I think Neko is into me but I dunno if I really want a relationship at all right now, and honestly I think if I got into any relationship IRL I would just wonder why I’m not with Sexy, which is another issue going back to the Sexy problems. xD! So maybe I should just call it a day and be with Sexy? <3! I dunno. But Neko is very sweet and everything, but there night be a few things that make me go e.e; about him. I am so overcritical of people it is ridiculous. I have to plan everything and it makes it so I don't actually experience anything or live my life. It kinda sucks. Anyway, so I might be hanging out with Neko more often, but I'm not sure about that because of my school and work. I'm wondering how comfortable I will feel with seeing him more often. If he's into me and I don't want a relationship I dunno how to communicate that without being hurtful. Blargh. Well, I'm off to have a break from thinking about my Sexy woes and try to distract myself from that with Calculus homework~~~!!!!

Dark cloud

I don’t remember the last time I’ve sincerely been depressed. This is entirely different from anything I’ve had recently. It’s on a different scale. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some attacks lately, but they are just explosions of shit kept inside, they don’t last past the actually attack. This is depression. I don’t remember the last time I’ve cried myself into having a headache, and in doing so being tired enough to actually go to sleep.

This was a draft, I don’t know when I wrote it, so I’ll just post it.

Empty? Wordless? I dunno.

Today was actually one of the worst days of my life. It’s one of those things where everything just piles on top of you until you lose it. It just so happens that I lost it in an airport. I don’t want to type a lot about it becasuse I am exhausted and drained.

I am single. Daniel didn’t get his visa…

I lost my wallet while traveling, I had the most alone 10+ minutes of my life, and then I got my wallet back.

I’m home. I see little to no joy in life.

Night.