Category Archives: Anxiety

Lifee!

Herro~
So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:
Jaundice

Bruise from blood being drawn:
Bruise

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:
Ice

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.
yum

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!
IV

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.
hand

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx

I miss Mike.

I wish I could get him out of my fucking head. He hasn’t talked to me in almost a month and a half. Some how this time it feels much longer. I’m surprised it’s not longer. I guess it feels longer because I somehow in my heart think he’s not coming back this time. I think the last time I’ll ever have spoke to him was an argument about something I found silly. But whatever, I guess I should know better, right? He’s done this to me so many times since I’ve known him. I’ve called it his ‘disappearing’ trick. there was one time where he didn’t talk to me for a year. A year, even when me e-mailing things like: ‘Hey, how are you? I hope everything is okay, I hope you’re not working yourself to death’ every few weeks. He was deleting my e-mails. How awesome is that?

The reasons why I think he’s never going to come back is because the last time we talked was an argument, so it’s not even just that he’s busy with work and can’t make time to say hi, even though that may help him avoid me. And, I had told him I would give us a second shot if he could decide that he could make time in his life for me. His parents own a business and he gets that business when they give it to him. If he has an international girlfriend, it’ll be difficult to run the business. My theory is that he’s decided ‘I’m not going to do this’ but instead of telling me he’s avoiding me. He’s not just avoiding me, he also is busy with work.

I wish I could get him out of my head. I wish I could stop thinking how he could fix my tears when I have a bad day. I wish I could stop thinking we were so happy, I wish I could have it again. If he’s done with me, I wish I could be done with him.

Friends = Stress

Sometimes having friends is stressful. Like you care so much about them, love ‘em to death… but they don’t necessary see themselves in the same light that you do… they also may live life a different way than you do which can be stressful. I’m exhausted from that conversation and the day in general.

Love you even though you stress me!
Alyx

Anxiety

Hey Emmie,
I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. In theory that’s a really good analogy. Here’s why… I’ve never choked to death. Every time I’ve ever bitten off more than I can chew, I just chew and chew and chew. Usually I don’t even need my gag reflex… everything just waits it’s turn to be chewed and swallowed. If I use this analogy than I can have hope that I’ll make it through this semester with all As and a C (calculus), or all A Bs and a C. Or just all passing grades… I guess would suffice, but not really. But really, I’m scared. I’m terrified. I’m petrified. I don’t think I’ll make it through okay. It’s so impressive what the stress from one class can do to your work ethic for every other class.

Math defeats me. Absolutely defeats me. I can’t do math. My brain doesn’t do it. It completely shuts down as soon as there is something I don’t understand or can’t do.

When in doubt, talk to Emmie

Hey… so yeah. The last week or so I’ve really wanted someone to talk to, but I don’t have anyone that I feel comfortable talking to so I’ll just talk here. I’ve been incredibly depressed and anxious lately. And the way I work is I have barriers against lots of bad things that would drive me crazy if I didn’t have barriers… because of these barriers, anytime one little thing makes me upset it usually makes me think about other things, and my barriers go down and I explode with sadness and anxiety because I think of all the things I normally protect myself against. Lately I’ve felt really lonely. I don’t know if it’s just loneliness, or just feeling alone. I don’t know how I could explain those differences, but there probably is a difference between them. I do feel worried about being alone romantically, but I don’t want a relationship right now. I think I just would like someone to talk to on a regular basis, on a quasi intimate basis. The one thing I miss the most about any relationship I’ve had is having someone to talk to before bed. I don’t really have someone like that in my life. I used to. For a long time I didn’t, and then I did, and having it again, I got kinda used to it. Having it after a long time when I didn’t have it made me realize how much I missed it and want it in my life. I’m not ready for a relationship, I definitely am not. There is so much I need to learn how to do for me instead of someone else. My life has pretty much revolved around someone else for the last 10 years.

I guess what I want is a relationship without a relationship, but I am not capable of such a thing. I want someone to cuddle me, someone to say nice things to me, someone to love me and hear me bitch about how much my life sucks… without feeling like I need to do everything in my power to do everything for ‘him’ and ‘us’. And that’s not possible, so I guess I can’t have someone to just lay down and chat with at night before I go to bed. I think one thing I really need to decide and make a decision on within the next 6 months to a year whether it’s a good idea to meet Mike IRL or not. All logic says that I can’t get involved in a relationship with someone unless they are within driving distance of me. Mike certainly is not within driving distance. However my heart says if I didn’t meet him I would regret it. I feel like I would think about it in any relationship in the future. He was a great love in my life and the ending was so open ended. There was no closure. I was supposed to meet him on my birthday and it was going to be the best birthday ever. And it didn’t happen. Maybe this birthday. That would be cool. I think it would be nice to meet him because we were so in love, and it was tragic that we broke up. But at the same time… I need a physical relationship at this point in my life. In his defense he is pretty well off and could afford to see me much more often than I’m used to at this point… but I don’t know. Every close friend I have has advised me not to get involved with him. *sighs* I don’t know.

Anyway. Back to today. I slept until 11:30 or something. I guess it’s the catching up on sleep from the long week thing. I got on the right track right away and started doing homework stuff. The problem with my homework stuff is that it’s statistics and I assume statistics is pretty straight forward without reading the textbook, which is not entirely true. However the problem with this situation is that I work all week and have little time or energy to be reading 3 chapters a week in my statistics book. So today when I started doing my homework I freaked out when I couldn’t make excel do what I wanted it to do with probabilities. My frustration comes from my lack of drive to stay on top of this class when it’s a 5 week class. But I freaked out and started crying because I didn’t want to try anymore and I didn’t think I could read what I needed to read in the amount of time I have left. This stuff is due tomorrow at 11PM. It’s all probability stuff which I remember doing decently on in a past class but for some reason I can’t remember the specifics. There’s also some logical thinking involved that doesn’t come straight out of the book. In general, I do terribly when you have to apply logic that wasn’t learned from fact. Anyway, the fit from statistics turned into a fit about school and worrying about next semester, and then it turned into a fit about my future, and then it turned into a fit of epic loneliness, and then it turned into a fit about missing Daniel and his family. I took a shower to try to get myself out of the rut, and it just made it worse. I just sat in the hot water and thought about things. I just sat there and thought so hard.

And then something just completely wrecked me. I heard Daniel’s voice in my head. his brother is very delayed developmentally, he has problems. He’s special needs. He couldn’t say my name for a very long time because it’s kind of hard to say in Portuguese. It was so exciting when he first started to call me by my name, he recognized me as a person instead of a stranger just visiting. Anyway… in my head I heard him say ‘Oi Ay’ he can’t say ‘Alyx’ so he says ‘Ay’ sounds like eye. I heard his voice in my head and I just curled up in a ball and started bawling. I was trying my best to not make loud noises because I didn’t want anyone in the house to hear me. I heard it over and over again and started ‘whining’ it. You know sometimes when you’re crying or really upset and you just… whine stuff even know no one is with you and no one can hear you? I just said ‘Oi Ay’ over and over. I thought about how much I missed Daniel, and Brazil, and how there was so much I was losing. I wasn’t just losing Daniel. His family cared about me, his mom took care of me when I was sick. His family showed concern for my well being. His family accepted me even though I was completely different from them and could not even communicate with them. When I was in Brazil it was like life was carefree. It was like I was actually living life for once. I wasn’t stuck in my head. I wasn’t stuck with choices and thoughts and weighing my options and wondering what would happen if I did this or that. I was simply with my boyfriend, a best friend, we were just having fun together. We got sick around the same time, we just… experienced life together. I can’t have that. I can’t think to myself ‘Everything I do is for us, everything I do is so I can experience that again’. Those thoughts have gotten me through the last 3 years of my life. I will never have Rafa (Daniel’s brother) pull my hair again because I am taking his attention. Everyone goes ‘NAO RAFA, SOLTA!’

I will never be able to hug mamae again when I am sick and in pain. I have cried in his mother’s arms before. I don’t remember the last time I’ve ever done that to my mother. Mamae would hug me all day if I needed it. That woman loved me even though she feared I would take her son to another country, from her. I am losing so much more than just Daniel and my relationship with him, and that thought crushed me for hours today. I cried for majority of 3-4 hours today… because I heard ‘Oi Ay’. i think what really bothers me about this though… is Daniel’s response is like ‘Don’t worry you’ll find someone!’ It’s not even that. I don’t think I have an irrational fear of being alone forever. I am just coping and dealing with the sadness of losing my relationship and my relationships with his whole family. I would do anything for them. I wish it could’ve worked. It’s too hard though, it’s too much. It’s too difficult for both of us.

I have so many things I need to work on before I get into another relationship. The first of my huge goals I need to achieve is get my license. I really think having my license will help me with a lot of my problems. I think it’ll make me feel less bad about myself, but it directly affects my problems. For instance, one way I could work out on a regular basis is swimming. If I had a gym membership I could swim whenever I could get there to swim. (assuming the gym I’m thinking of has a pool). I also could have a ride to the grocery store to actually buy food that isn’t fast food. Half the time I’m hungry I order pizza because there is no food in the house and I have no way to actually go somewhere to buy food to make. I actually would have time and energy to just get away when I needed to. It takes so much time and energy to use public transportation. I would have the time and ability to actually go hang out with people because I would have a way to get there. After that… I’m not sure. I have had a draft of a list/time frame for things. Most of the things I’d like to be done before the end of ’11. Let me think… Clean my room (again, it was good for a few months, but my dresser is broken so all my clothes are on the floor), so a kinda joint part of clean my room is ‘buy a new dresser’, I think I just added to this list ‘reformat computer’ because when cleansing that’s also a good thing to do. One thing I want done, I wish I could do it before ’11 is over, but I think it’s not plausible: buy a car.

Anyway. I’m gonna headout since I’ve now apparently written 1800+ words in this entry…

Dark cloud

I don’t remember the last time I’ve sincerely been depressed. This is entirely different from anything I’ve had recently. It’s on a different scale. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some attacks lately, but they are just explosions of shit kept inside, they don’t last past the actually attack. This is depression. I don’t remember the last time I’ve cried myself into having a headache, and in doing so being tired enough to actually go to sleep.

This was a draft, I don’t know when I wrote it, so I’ll just post it.

Empty? Wordless? I dunno.

Today was actually one of the worst days of my life. It’s one of those things where everything just piles on top of you until you lose it. It just so happens that I lost it in an airport. I don’t want to type a lot about it becasuse I am exhausted and drained.

I am single. Daniel didn’t get his visa…

I lost my wallet while traveling, I had the most alone 10+ minutes of my life, and then I got my wallet back.

I’m home. I see little to no joy in life.

Night.

This is why I don’t keep people close to me…

Hey Em,
This is why I push people away. Recently I have made a few really close friends from playing League of Legends. I have 3 guys from League whom I consider very close friends who I would share pretty much anything with. People get upset at me for being hard on myself, people get upset at me for not allowing them to help me… but this is what happens when I do. When I try to have help, when I try to confide in people, I just push them away from being overbearing. I’m pretty sure I’m pushing all three of them away with all of my problems. This is exactly why I keep people at a distance. They’ve helped me a lot, don’t get me wrong… and generally I’m not an easy person to help.

I feel so paranoid lately. I really do. It feels like it’s not even me. I used to be so happy, constantly laughing and joking in mumble. (like vent, for League) Now I’m not like that at all. I’m quiet or I’m complaining. One of the two. I really feel like I should just not come on MSN, not talk to them for some time, not play League for some time. I don’t know. I want to be fixed, but I really don’t know how. I reach out to them, and I guess they can’t help… so I just spill my heart to them, and I guess all of my problems only I can fix, so there is no point in telling everyone about them over and over again. I guess crying helps, I’m not sure how much telling them helps since I just push them away and it tends to make it worse. The last 2-3 weeks have been a fucking nightmare for me.

I’m hoping when I leave on Friday to go to Texas, it’ll be a nice break. I don’t know how much of a break it will be… but I’m hoping I can pull myself away from my addictions (LoL and my mumble buddies), and try to do some ‘soul searching’ as gay as that sounds. One thing I’ve really come across lately that is definitely something I need to practice before getting into a marriage… is being alone. I’ve never really properly learned how to be alone. Which is kind of ironic because… well, I am always surrounded by people, and a lot of the time I’m surrounded by people who are enamored by me, or are in some way amused by me, and give me attention for x or y. So I’m never truly alone, but at the same time, I’m very alone because I always have to push people away, and/or keep things inside. But what I mean by alone is… I need to appreciate what it is to be alone. I need to learn how it is to be alone. I need to live life without the thought of some significant other constantly in the back of my head, having some influence (big or small) on my actions. I also don’t know if I can ever do an international relationship ever again. Regardless of how much I’ve always wanted a second chance with Mike, I’m not sure I can do it. It doesn’t help his team get into my head that he hasn’t had a full length conversation with me in 6 months. It also doesn’t help that, regardless of how busy he is… because I totally understand that, he can’t take the 5 seconds to send me a ‘hi, I’m alive’ e-mail or text. I don’t care how fucking busy you are. It’s not that hard to take 10 seconds out of your life to reassure me. Every few weeks I’ll be thinking, “I haven’t heard from him in weeks, I hope he’s not in the hospital again, I hope he’s not dead, I hope his mom, Vince, and Dami are okay.” I wish I could either a). forget he exists or b). have him say hi once a week, or once every two weeks. or something.

Anyway, that was a fun tangent. I suck at League of Legends. It makes me sad. I’m also getting dragged into Rift, and my inability to enjoy anything is making it difficult. It makes me pretty much fucking hate myself. I seriously cannot just chill out and enjoy life. I worry about everything. I’m paranoid about everything. Everything has to be planned to a fucking t. It’s ridiculous. Why can’t I be spontaneous? Why can’t I be excited by new things, instead of completely terrified of them? Especially small, meaningless things like fucking video games? Why can’t I just play for fun? Why can’t I just say ‘fuck it, this is awesome, I’m spending time with friends?’ I wish I could be that way. I want to know how to do that. Any suggestions on self-change, self-improvement techniques? Meditation? Behavior therapy? But how can I do that to me? Gimme your thoughts.

<3, Anxiety-Ridden Alyx

I always have to say goodbye too soon…

He deserves much more than the short post I will write. But I’m hurting too much, and am too drained to really write a very long and heartfelt, thoughtful entry about how much I love him.

My gecko, Schnee died tonight. He has been sick for months, but I didn’t take it seriously until he was more visually sick; losing lots of weight. So really, it was too little too late. I wish money fixed everything. I really wish it did. But at the same time, I’d go into serious debt to fix things if money fixed everything. In the past week I have spent $300+ in vet bills on trying to save him, plus check ups for my other gecko. It’s money I don’t have, but when you care about something so much, you have no choice. Literally you have no choice. If it took selling possessions at the chance that he would be healthy again, I would’ve done it. I have no lost both of my original geckos (Cezzie and Schnee) before they were 5. I think Cezzie just made it to 4, and Schnee was about to turn 4 on April 16th…

I am now terrified to go to sleep, because sleep means awakening. Awakening means feeling the loss fresh and new in the morning. The morning after… is generally the worst. the drop in the stomach the anxiety… just everything. Now I get to deal with that.

Hurrah

Panic Attack, Commence.

I honestly don’t remember the last time I have been this overwhelmed. You know when one thing after another just completely topples you and you have no choice but to crumple and cry? And then as you crumple and cry, all those things you normally have a barrier against just pound you with a force that is unfathomable. I come home from the vet with my geckos, and I had already been crying and freaking out. Then I’m home, settled in, about to do my homework. And Griff is whining and Nessa is barking at him. I yell at them, it keeps going. I just lose it. I really just lose it. I start crying and freaking out because it dawns on me – my life fucking sucks. You ever have those moments? Where just one moment cracks your fucking shell, and everything wooshes in and tsunami’s all your hard earned self-defenses. Suddenly I look around and my surroundings wound me, when normally I have to have a shield to live in this shit hole. Seriously, everything dawns on me at once:

1) I am vulnerable and can’t go to my boyfriend because
a. He doesn’t understand me and my geckos.
b. We had a fight last night and we haven’t spoken since.
2) My boyfriend lives thousands of miles away, and I only get to see him once a year.
3) School consumes me and it continually brings me stress because I’m never on top of things.
4) My gecko whom I’ve had for almost 4 years is rapidly declining.
5) I live in squalor.

I know there are other things I could add to this list, but these are the main points of, ‘I fucking hate my life.’ I won’t kill myself or anything, I can’t imagine ever doing that, although sometimes I do with I could just disappear and not exist, which would not be similar to committing suicide, because it wouldn’t knowingly affect those around me, because I would be deleted from history. But, alas, it is not possible… so, moving on.

One thing that got me to calm down so quickly, was Nessa. She has a lot of Lottie in her. She’s not ‘my’ dog, and doesn’t cling to me like ‘my dog’ does, but as soon as I broke down, she rushed to my aid. Griff kind of did too, but he was torn between whining and hurting my ears, and helping me feel better. It’s so amazing how some dogs are just so empathetic. Lottie was very empathetic like that. Charlie isn’t, which often drives me nuts. She always wants my attention, but when I need her she’s just on my bed eating a pig’s ear while Nessa and Griff try to fix me. Now that I’ve calmed down some and I am not in a ball bawling like a school child, the too helper-dogs are sleeping, and I am left alone with my fears of Schnee dying on me. Don’t you wish money could fix everything? I wish it did. I would spend every cent and willingly go into debt if it meant he won’t die. In the past week I have spent over $300 on my geckos.

Because of my anxiety, I also am paranoid. Daniel hasn’t left me any messages, and hasn’t been online. So I don’t know if that means he just won’t come online, and just won’t talk to me… or if I’m just being paranoid.

Despite my grief-stricken, anxiety-stricken state… I have a lot of work to do for school. I think I will take a shower and then try to focus on something besides my baby dying. My vet didn’t tell me to force feed him, but I’m going to. I can’t just sit back while my baby is dying. They force fed him at the vet today. Grief brings on this mood in me where I wish I was religious and I wish I could depend on God to fix all my problems. But I can’t do that. As far as I know, God doesn’t exist. I’ve never seen him, I’ve never heard him. ‘Him’, excuse me. But I just wish wishing worked. I wish praying worked. I wish anything will say him.

My vet said, “We’ll hope.”

Please hope… or pray… or wish, or give your thoughts to my baby.