Category Archives: Interwebs

From The Ashes

Dear Emmie,
I am pleased that you have risen from the ashes of internet hogwash. I have no idea what happened and why your files were missing, and I am sorry. I have been pretty anti-computer as of late. Today has been the first day in months I have sat at a computer besides my work computer for longer than a few minutes. I sat here diligently trying to figure out why you were showing a blank white screen. I did figure it out and I have fixed you. You will have to deal with a boring layout for a while as I don’t have time or drive to make you look cool.

I think this was the biggest neglect thus far, about 2 years without posting? Pretty sad, kinda a waste of money, but janno. I will try to update you tomorrow on all the exciting happenings.



So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:

Bruise from blood being drawn:

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx


League of Legends is a security blanket. When I play League of Legends I don’t think about the things in my life that bother me. League of Legends is an addiction for me. When League of Legends goes bad, I become a heaped mess of sadness, tears, and depression. I know, this is incredibly sad. I’m just a sick individual. But no need to be in denial about it.

I would say for the last 2 months or so I have had fun only a small portion of the time I was playing League. Lately though it’s been really bad. I’ve been not only not having fun, but been really upset about what’s going on. A few weeks ago I uninstalled after a series of games where I just wasn’t having fun. I decided it would be best if I uninstalled because I could do things that made more sense (homework). I uninstalled for 5 days and reinstalled after having a good day at school, expecting to be able to play the way I did prior to having shitty games. I think I got worse in the time I wasn’t playing.

I don’t feel like writing amymore.


Okay so I haven’t been this excited about anything in such a long time. I guess it’s the curiosity and intrigue. It’s like being a kid all over again because you have no idea what you’ll get. For Christmas and birthdays in the real world when you’re an adult you just get what you asked for. But this? THIS? IS SO COOL! You get to surprise someone you don’t know and you get something completely awesome and random from someone you don’t know! And hell, maybe you even become friends with them?! It’s so cool and I love going through the redditgifts gallery and looking at the awesome pictures and stories. It’s actually like a Christmas present to me. I get the person I get to buy a gift for 5 days before my birthday! Then I get to start stalking them and figure out what to get them :o!!

It’s so exciting. I hope I don’t get creative block. I want to do something awesome for them. I’ve seen some really awesome stuff from the gallery.

<3, Lyxie

Because You Need a Laugh…

I changed her display name in case anyone who reads this knows her and gets up in her grill and shit like that. The internet never ceases to amaze me. I’ve actually never liked this person and I’m not sure why I’ve kept her on my friends list. But this is the stupidest/most entertaining thing you’ll read in a while. Yes, this actually happened to me. lol.

View your entire conversation history with this contact
Stupid Bitch said:
you play lol
Lyxie said:
. Stupid Bitch says:
*are yoyu there!
Lyxie says:
. Stupid Bitch says:
*i need the
*biggest favor
*ever :(
*i know we never talk i know i know but :(
*imin this.. relationship online and
*im not comfertable sending like “nudes” or anything yet :(
*so … i really just need sigh :(
*i need an I love (person) thing like photoshopped
*onto a girls booty or something >.< Lyxie says: *lol. . Stupid Bitch says: *and he wont ask me for anymore ever *IS there anyway :( you can help
*its not nude
Lyxie says:
*Yeah if you find me a picture you want me to use.
. Stupid Bitch says:
*i fking
*Love you..
*ummm >.< *sec *eww this is hard LOL *i dont feel like looking at naked girls :/ fml *ok im trying tofind 1 *thats uh *not naked ... LOL *and 1 thats not super complicated for you i guess to just put a little banner thingy :(
*but wait 1 question
*is there a way you can actually make the umm small banner saying
i love chubs
(actually look like its sitting on the bed)
Lyxie says:
*I don't understand.
. Stupid Bitch says:
*ok what i need to do is
*Get an (I love chubs) banner
*like a piece of paper
*but make it look like its actually part of the picture?
*>.< Lyxie says: *Can't I just write it in text? *Why does it need to be a piece of paper? . Stupid Bitch says: *no like i need him to actually think this "half naked girl" is me sort of :(
*I dont feel comfertable
*Sending my body :(
Lyxie says:
*Can I just tell you...
. Stupid Bitch says:
*so i found a girl with a simliar body >< Lyxie says: *This is about the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. . Stupid Bitch says: *lol i know *but he only wants 1 :(
Lyxie says:
*Showing him some other girl is the stupidest premise ever.
*If you're too prude, just buy him some porn.
. Stupid Bitch says:
*its not it
*i need him to tihnk its me cuz
*shes got a similira body :(
*but i cant take my own...
*cuz :( i cant
Lyxie says:
*This is retarded.
*I'm actually going to decline on doing this. It's too stupid.
*Sorry. It makes more sense to just take a picture of yourself.
. Stupid Bitch says:
*aww ok
*i get it :(
Lyxie says:
*If you're going to give him a fake picture just give him a fake pciture. No need to touch it up.
. Stupid Bitch says:
*its fine idk i just cant see myself taking pictures like htat :/
Lyxie says:
*So don't give him anything.
. Stupid Bitch says:
*ya but he wants "proof its me" thats the fking retarded sht
Lyxie says:
*It's a lie to give him something that's not you.
. Stupid Bitch says:
*true :/
Lyxie says:
*It's not retarded.
*That's what an internet relationship is; trust.
*Clearly you're not trustworthy if you're giving him a picture that isn't you.
. Stupid Bitch says:
*i am and im not
he has my number and everything
*the problem is i cant take like a.... picture in my underwear cuz
*I cant i dont feel comfertable
*but its fine thanks anyway
Lyxie says:
*So tell him that.
*Don't give him bullshit.
. Stupid Bitch says:
*idk its just
*hes so fking :(
*an ass
Lyxie says:
*So break up with him.
. Stupid Bitch says:
*probably should since hes tryin to make me do something im not comfertable with..
*but idk thought i fell for him :(
Lyxie says:
*Clearly not if you're trying to give him fake pictures of someone's ass.
. Stupid Bitch says:
*i did but its more like
*idk :( your right and your wrong
*like i know where your coming from and i really dont want him looking at anyone else
*but...... atthe same time i dont feel comfertable doing it
*i figured it was only 1 i could live with it :(
*but its ok i dont blame you at all
Lyxie says:
*So you say, "I'm not comfortable." And if he says, "come on baby" you say, "Fuck off, you can't respect me"
*It's so funny that you are even thinking of doing it. Like this is the biggest joke ever. Typical internet I guess.
*But good luck.
. Stupid Bitch says:
*thanks :/

#: 285

The act of actually building something is kind of cool to me, but generally after I’ve built something it doesn’t work like it was supposed to… so it makes me never want to build something again. It happened with my ikea furniture, and now with my computer. I’m really annoyed that I’ve been trying to make it work for ATLEAST a cumulative of 8 hours now. at least. Not sure exactly how much. Started building it last night, and tried getting it working most of today, and most of tonight. Still shit wrong with it. Mike thinks he knows what’s wrong, and of course I’ll have to go to that godforsaken store again. (Microcenter).  I’m really over it at this point. I’ve felt ‘done’ with trying for hours now. Of course Mike keeps going and going and I just get annoyed with him. Him and Daniel both do that shit. Like they shove me over the edge with their persistence when I’m just done with it.

So I guess I hope Mike is right, just to know what’s wrong. But then again if he’s wrong again I’m going to be even more pissed off, because that means that I took another trip to Microcenter, came home, and the computer doesn’t work.

Plus, I’m sick of this baby gecko tearing my heart apart. Why can’t it just live up to my expectations already? Maybe I should just be grateful that it ate yesterday. But I’m not. I want it on a schedule. I want it eating regularly. I want it eating like a normal baby should.



Oh, btw. Isn’t it cool? I’m a brat because I complain about how much I work. dunchu know? Everyone works as much, or more than I do. Which makes me a whining brat. :)) <3<3

#: 277

I am one of those people that is touched by stories of humanity. The internet easily circulates those sort of stories. And I find myself touched by them. Maybe overly so, maybe creepily, stalkerishly so. It’s just so easy to use the internet to help your curiosity and nosiness. I have a very close friend where it’s hard to consider her a real friend in some ways, just because she’s 15 and I’m 23. However sometimes it’s really like we’re best friends and I can depend on her when there’s no one else. Sometimes I feel like it’s hard to trust her. Not in the sense where I can’t say things to her, but in the sense where I don’t necessarily believe her. But anyway, sometime last week or week before, I texted her about coming to the gym, and her response was very blunt. ‘I don’t think I can. My best friend killed himself last night.’ My heart sank. Generally, I’ve always been very aggressive towards suicides. In the last year or so I’ve lightened up some what. I know that it’s not socially appropriate to tell someone who just lost someone close to them, ‘They deserved it.’ I guess I still just find it hard to sympathize in most cases. Suicide, to me, is the most selfish act you could possibly commit. Don’t you think about your friends and family before you do it? My guess would be in at least 98% of cases of suicide, they have SOMEONE in their life that loves them and is affected when they are gone. And probably in more than half, they have a ridiculous outpouring of people who love them and care, so it’s insanely selfish. That’s why I’ve always been a bitch towards the news of a suicide. If they’re so selfish, then they deserve it.

But for some reason, when that friend of mine texted me. I felt very sympathetic towards the situation; before I even knew about it. That’s where the internet comes in, and facilitates the nosy stalker in me. I pretty much found out right away who it was. Facebook is disgusting like that. I think to some extent a death should be a private sort of mourning for friends and family. Maybe in some ways the internet also helps facilitate that. But at the same time, what if the family didn’t really want the whole world knowing this and that about this person?

Well, anyway. This whole thing has really inspired me. I don’t know if the inspiration will lead me to success or finality, but I’ll try. When certain opportunities to be helpful come along, I generally take them.

I hope to finish this book, and have it sell well. I’d like to be able to start organizations, or give funds to existing organizations on educating people. I’d like people to be educated about suicide and what it does to people. I’d like to educate people on equality. Teens and parents alike need to know that what they say or do can echo an eternity (not to quote Gladiator or anything, lol <3).I really  don’t know much about what happened. But if this kid really was bullied because they were different, and said bullying may have had something to do with this kid killing them self… well that’s something that I find unacceptable.


I didn’t know you, but R.I.P Aiden.

#: 270

So, yeah. I hope I’ll get completely better soon. When I’m sitting here doing nothing, and there’s no one to talk to (often), I get anxious in my stomach. I don’t even know why. It’s not like specific triggers set off the anxiety. It just happens, and I become worried about my life that seems meaningless. The big trigger for all of it though was my last weekend, which was really amazing.

I went to see really old friends from when I RPed when I was a teenager. Tom was the original, then I met Josh and Todd through Tom. What makes all of it interesting is they all loved me at some point when we were teenagers. I actually ‘dated’ Tom and Josh, but I had a ‘physical relationship’ with Todd. It made it different that way. I had always seen Todd as ‘the one who got away’. Don’t get me wrong, all this history didn’t make it so I was like fantasizing because I was in the presence of all these people I used to love. Nah, it wasn’t like that at all. It was really… like a bunch of old high school buddies getting together for one last laugh before our lives rocket into intense responsibility and adulthood; families, kids, etc.

And that’s the problem with it. I had so much fun, I didn’t want it to just disappear… but it did. I’ve tried calling Nat, but someone said her phone is off until the bill gets paid. I’ve tried calling Todd multiple times, he’s never there. I just want to talk to these people and pretend I have friends again. I really just felt like I had a LIFE for three days. And then suddenly the people from my LIFE are sucked out of it. Prior to me going up there, I got to talk to Josh more than I got to talk to Daniel. Josh made time to talk to me, even though he has two jobs and school. We pretty much talked on the phone every night, or were texting. It may be a bit of a dramatization, because there were times when we didn’t talk. But because Daniel goes to bed early, and because of my work schedule, and because of WoW, at that point I really was talking to Josh more than Daniel. Not in an affair type of way, but it was really nice to have a friend, have someone to talk to about things.

I don’t have that anymore. A few days before I went to Sheffield and Warren, Josh met this girl. I think he just doesn’t want to get his hopes up about it, so he’s very non chalant about the whole thing. He calls her his ‘love interest’. Anyway, so I was talking to him on the phone the other night, and he told me that there’s now two of them. Girls fighting over him. Great :\ Girls always mean there’s no time for friends anymore. It happened with Eric, now happening with Josh. It really sucks. And I guess I’m jealous, but I don’t think I’m jealous in a romantic way. I’m jealous because I felt like we were really best friends-like. Now he only calls me if he’s worried that I’m that sad, he just wants to make me smile. Which is really nice of him and everything. But eh, maybe I’m asking too much. Or maybe I’m worried it really will turn out like Eric did.

Another thing to be anxious about is my relationship. For the past month I’ve really been worrying about how unrealistic it is, and stuff like that. I really didn’t get affection as a kid. I never have really gotten affection from my family. Never ‘I love you’, never hugs and kisses. Well, I’m sure I got those things, but I was too young to remember when I still got them. My family isn’t open about their feelings. Yes, I KNOW my family loves me. But it’s intimidating to feel like I’m not allowed to hug anyone in my family even if I wanted to. But, with that being said, I really need a physical relationship. Prior to this relationship, I’d only really gone 8 months (while in a relationship) without getting a hug or a kiss or any of that. If Daniel and I last long enough, it will be a year and 5 months. A YEAR. AND FIVE MONTHS. In between being able to touch each other. I can’t DO this shit, dude. It’s too fucking hard. Maybe it would feel easier if he could help me financially, but he can’t. He’s already giving every cent he makes to his mom for bills.  I don’t want to give up one of the greatest loves of my life… but it’s like he said in the very beginning, ‘I don’t want an e-relationship with you.’ I don’t want this e-stuff anymore. He plays WoW more than he talks to me. I understand needing ‘me’ time, and maybe I’m just a bratty, selfish person. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW.

I’m so lonely. I wish I had friends. As emo as that sounds, it’s so sincere.