The act of actually building something is kind of cool to me, but generally after I’ve built something it doesn’t work like it was supposed to… so it makes me never want to build something again. It happened with my ikea furniture, and now with my computer. I’m really annoyed that I’ve been trying to make it work for ATLEAST a cumulative of 8 hours now. at least. Not sure exactly how much. Started building it last night, and tried getting it working most of today, and most of tonight. Still shit wrong with it. Mike thinks he knows what’s wrong, and of course I’ll have to go to that godforsaken store again. (Microcenter). I’m really over it at this point. I’ve felt ‘done’ with trying for hours now. Of course Mike keeps going and going and I just get annoyed with him. Him and Daniel both do that shit. Like they shove me over the edge with their persistence when I’m just done with it.
So I guess I hope Mike is right, just to know what’s wrong. But then again if he’s wrong again I’m going to be even more pissed off, because that means that I took another trip to Microcenter, came home, and the computer doesn’t work.
Plus, I’m sick of this baby gecko tearing my heart apart. Why can’t it just live up to my expectations already? Maybe I should just be grateful that it ate yesterday. But I’m not. I want it on a schedule. I want it eating regularly. I want it eating like a normal baby should.
out
Alyx
Oh, btw. Isn’t it cool? I’m a brat because I complain about how much I work. dunchu know? Everyone works as much, or more than I do. Which makes me a whining brat. ) <3<3
I am one of those people that is touched by stories of humanity. The internet easily circulates those sort of stories. And I find myself touched by them. Maybe overly so, maybe creepily, stalkerishly so. It’s just so easy to use the internet to help your curiosity and nosiness. I have a very close friend where it’s hard to consider her a real friend in some ways, just because she’s 15 and I’m 23. However sometimes it’s really like we’re best friends and I can depend on her when there’s no one else. Sometimes I feel like it’s hard to trust her. Not in the sense where I can’t say things to her, but in the sense where I don’t necessarily believe her. But anyway, sometime last week or week before, I texted her about coming to the gym, and her response was very blunt. ‘I don’t think I can. My best friend killed himself last night.’ My heart sank. Generally, I’ve always been very aggressive towards suicides. In the last year or so I’ve lightened up some what. I know that it’s not socially appropriate to tell someone who just lost someone close to them, ‘They deserved it.’ I guess I still just find it hard to sympathize in most cases. Suicide, to me, is the most selfish act you could possibly commit. Don’t you think about your friends and family before you do it? My guess would be in at least 98% of cases of suicide, they have SOMEONE in their life that loves them and is affected when they are gone. And probably in more than half, they have a ridiculous outpouring of people who love them and care, so it’s insanely selfish. That’s why I’ve always been a bitch towards the news of a suicide. If they’re so selfish, then they deserve it.
But for some reason, when that friend of mine texted me. I felt very sympathetic towards the situation; before I even knew about it. That’s where the internet comes in, and facilitates the nosy stalker in me. I pretty much found out right away who it was. Facebook is disgusting like that. I think to some extent a death should be a private sort of mourning for friends and family. Maybe in some ways the internet also helps facilitate that. But at the same time, what if the family didn’t really want the whole world knowing this and that about this person?
Well, anyway. This whole thing has really inspired me. I don’t know if the inspiration will lead me to success or finality, but I’ll try. When certain opportunities to be helpful come along, I generally take them.
I hope to finish this book, and have it sell well. I’d like to be able to start organizations, or give funds to existing organizations on educating people. I’d like people to be educated about suicide and what it does to people. I’d like to educate people on equality. Teens and parents alike need to know that what they say or do can echo an eternity (not to quote Gladiator or anything, lol <3).I really don’t know much about what happened. But if this kid really was bullied because they were different, and said bullying may have had something to do with this kid killing them self… well that’s something that I find unacceptable.
So, yeah. I hope I’ll get completely better soon. When I’m sitting here doing nothing, and there’s no one to talk to (often), I get anxious in my stomach. I don’t even know why. It’s not like specific triggers set off the anxiety. It just happens, and I become worried about my life that seems meaningless. The big trigger for all of it though was my last weekend, which was really amazing.
I went to see really old friends from when I RPed when I was a teenager. Tom was the original, then I met Josh and Todd through Tom. What makes all of it interesting is they all loved me at some point when we were teenagers. I actually ‘dated’ Tom and Josh, but I had a ‘physical relationship’ with Todd. It made it different that way. I had always seen Todd as ‘the one who got away’. Don’t get me wrong, all this history didn’t make it so I was like fantasizing because I was in the presence of all these people I used to love. Nah, it wasn’t like that at all. It was really… like a bunch of old high school buddies getting together for one last laugh before our lives rocket into intense responsibility and adulthood; families, kids, etc.
And that’s the problem with it. I had so much fun, I didn’t want it to just disappear… but it did. I’ve tried calling Nat, but someone said her phone is off until the bill gets paid. I’ve tried calling Todd multiple times, he’s never there. I just want to talk to these people and pretend I have friends again. I really just felt like I had a LIFE for three days. And then suddenly the people from my LIFE are sucked out of it. Prior to me going up there, I got to talk to Josh more than I got to talk to Daniel. Josh made time to talk to me, even though he has two jobs and school. We pretty much talked on the phone every night, or were texting. It may be a bit of a dramatization, because there were times when we didn’t talk. But because Daniel goes to bed early, and because of my work schedule, and because of WoW, at that point I really was talking to Josh more than Daniel. Not in an affair type of way, but it was really nice to have a friend, have someone to talk to about things.
I don’t have that anymore. A few days before I went to Sheffield and Warren, Josh met this girl. I think he just doesn’t want to get his hopes up about it, so he’s very non chalant about the whole thing. He calls her his ‘love interest’. Anyway, so I was talking to him on the phone the other night, and he told me that there’s now two of them. Girls fighting over him. Great :\ Girls always mean there’s no time for friends anymore. It happened with Eric, now happening with Josh. It really sucks. And I guess I’m jealous, but I don’t think I’m jealous in a romantic way. I’m jealous because I felt like we were really best friends-like. Now he only calls me if he’s worried that I’m that sad, he just wants to make me smile. Which is really nice of him and everything. But eh, maybe I’m asking too much. Or maybe I’m worried it really will turn out like Eric did.
Another thing to be anxious about is my relationship. For the past month I’ve really been worrying about how unrealistic it is, and stuff like that. I really didn’t get affection as a kid. I never have really gotten affection from my family. Never ‘I love you’, never hugs and kisses. Well, I’m sure I got those things, but I was too young to remember when I still got them. My family isn’t open about their feelings. Yes, I KNOW my family loves me. But it’s intimidating to feel like I’m not allowed to hug anyone in my family even if I wanted to. But, with that being said, I really need a physical relationship. Prior to this relationship, I’d only really gone 8 months (while in a relationship) without getting a hug or a kiss or any of that. If Daniel and I last long enough, it will be a year and 5 months. A YEAR. AND FIVE MONTHS. In between being able to touch each other. I can’t DO this shit, dude. It’s too fucking hard. Maybe it would feel easier if he could help me financially, but he can’t. He’s already giving every cent he makes to his mom for bills. I don’t want to give up one of the greatest loves of my life… but it’s like he said in the very beginning, ‘I don’t want an e-relationship with you.’ I don’t want this e-stuff anymore. He plays WoW more than he talks to me. I understand needing ‘me’ time, and maybe I’m just a bratty, selfish person. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW.
I’m so lonely. I wish I had friends. As emo as that sounds, it’s so sincere.
Alyx
I miss ya, girlie. I just haven’t had the time to write to you in a positive way. My life is kinda a shambles right now. It’s hard to shine light on positive things. You shine light through a magnifying glass and then you have a blaze.
Well anyway, tonight’s topic is about Rangarok Online and World of Warcraft, but more importantly, about stuff going on in my head. It’s really hard for me to level in WoW now. I find that I lack motivation a lot, and I end up just forum whoring on RO-related forums. Not even cause I want to play, just because I yearn for that social interaction I get on RO. I wish I could have that in WoW too. I think I’d really love the game, if it had the social aspect that RO does. I don’t know, I just wish I understood. I feel guilty, like I’m cheating on Daniel or something, when I want to hang out with old RO buddies, and I want to forum whore, and I want to slave people (even though I don’t even want to play). When I sit down and I think about playing RO, I think it’s like… I dunno. I guess it’s not even a conscious battle. I don’t type here saying I don’t want to play, when inside I really do. I sincerely am active in noticing all the shitty things I’d have in my life if I played RO. The sleepless nights, the stress over the smallest things, the drama. I think I’ve figured it out, from typing here. I think RO is the one place I always felt like I fit in. Even when I was really popular, I’m not sure if I really felt at home with my friends. I didn’t smoke weed, and they did. And now, how do I fit in? My friends are in college and living the college life. Even if I was a good student, a good person, and could get through college, I wouldn’t be living ‘the college life’. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs. There are people who don’t do these things, too, but it’s hard to find them my age. And then there’s the next best thing, where people don’t drink much. But they still drink, so I don’t relate to them entirely. Making myself ‘cool’ with my boyfriend drinking socially was a HUGE, MONUMENTAL feat for me.
In RO I felt like I always fit in. I always had someone to talk to. I guess I hate being an attention whore sometimes, but sometimes I like it, and I could get that there. Easily. Sometimes it’s a really nice thing to be ‘known’. And in a game where millions of people play (WoW), how can I ever be known? Especially when I SUCK? I suck at WoW. I really do. Maybe I’ll be better at 80, when Daniel can yell at me when I mess up (I think I learn best this way, it’s how I learned RO). But at the same time, I don’t know how it will go. Daniel has this grand vision of all 4 of us playing together (Daniel, Daniel, Luk, and I)… the flaw in his vision is that their first language is Portuguese and mine is English. Even last night when we were all in party, I made a few sexual comments, Daniel told me to stop, and then I just had to shut up. What else can I talk about? Sexual jokes is something everyone can relate to or find funny (even if you haven’t had sex). So then they reverted back to just speaking Portuguese, and I was the odd man out. But then again, when we’re all speaking English, the other Daniel must feel the way I do, since he doesn’t speak English well enough to be part of the conversation. So really the situation just sucks, and it’s hard to have motivation to get to 80. Also, the leveling at 71 feels slower than it did at 98 on ParadiseRO (4x Rates).
I’ve lurked around different forums and found that there are a lot of old school people playing on Eternity. It makes me want to be a part of it. Notice how I didn’t say play. I don’t want to play. I want that feeling of being remembered. “Ooooh! Lyx! Suuupp! I remember you from x!” I want the feeling of belonging, of friendship, of connection, of a past. That’s one of the problems with playing games. The friends you get in games… damn they’re cool, close friends. But when you stop playing that game, your connection is severed until you play again. It’s not that while you’re in game, you’re only talking about the game. It’s just that playing the game facilitates the social interaction that I yearn for.
Maybe I want to be involved with RO just because I want something trivial to stress about, something less serious than my job, and my life sucking. I don’t know. I wish I knew what draws me away from WoW and towards the community of RO. I wish I could reverse it so I could spend time with Daniel… but in the end I guess it wouldn’t be time with Daniel, it would be time to watch Portuguese words fly by without any meaning.
I’ve come to find that I am often amused by the simplest of things, and sometimes it’s really easy to make me happy, but then sometimes it’s extremely difficult to make me happy. Actually, not so true. If I’m in a really shitty mood, usually the simplest of things fixes the problems, but it’s hard to find that one thing that will make me feel better, out of all of the things you could possibly think to do, you have to find it. I can’t even tell you. I just know it’s usually stupid shit that makes me feel better. It’s just finding that timing or special thing to say or do to make me smile or giggle. Daniel’s usually really good at that. Sometimes both of us just don’t have the patience to deal with each other, which is really understandable. But then sometimes we’re just what the other needs, and it’s such a great balance we have.
So Daniel and I were playing WoW with the guys tonight, and it was pretty fun. It was distracting to have all of us playing. Half the time I really lost track of leveling. But yeah, he did this for me:
His flying machine thing...
The final!
Can you possibly imagine how long this took him to do? Kid must be bored waiting for me to catch up to him, but it’s amazing the things he thinks of to do for me. Maybe I’m just amazed because Chris really never did cutesy, sweet things like that for me. I don’t remember Mike doing it either. And it’s really just the stupidest little things that I get the most joy out of, and I think he loves that I enjoy such little things; it must make this relationship so easy and rewarding sometimes.
I hope the distance doesn’t affect our relationship like it did for Chris and I. And I don’t know what happened with Mike and I, maybe distance too. This situation is even more delicate because I think ultimately, we’d like to live in the United States… which is hard to do when he is not legally allowed to even visit the United States. I think over the next year or two we’ll really try to find a solid plan for him visiting here. It might end up with a legal marriage that is not real to us. It’ll be funny if we break up though, we’ll have to get a divorce, which would be funny since we’ll just feel it as a break up, not a full blown divorce. I think getting married and getting whatever it takes to live here is the only way we can do it where it’s like the visa I have. My visa lasts for 5 years and I can visit back and forth as long as I don’t stay for 3 months cumulative. If I need more, I can just get a new visa I think. But for him, even if he manages to get a visa, I think it’s very temporary. I think it’s pretty bullshitty that we have to make the ‘sanctity of marriage’ a visa for him, lol.
[12:33:03] Daniel says:
I wish we were like 60
[12:33:07] Alyx says:
Me too.
[12:33:10] Alyx says:
Hellfire is more fun.
[12:33:15] Daniel says:
So it’d mean we would have grandkids
[12:33:20] Daniel says:
ha-ha, gotcha
[12:33:21] Daniel says:
:3
[12:33:27] Alyx says:
We woul— HAHHA
[12:33:31] Alyx says:
*giggles8
[12:33:43] Daniel says:
:3
</humor>
[12:40:52] Alyx says:
*squeeze*
[12:40:53] Daniel says:
Silly
[12:40:55] Alyx says:
I have the best man in the world.
[12:40:57] Alyx says:
n____n
[12:41:00] Daniel says:
n_n
[12:41:00] Alyx says:
I dun sharez.
[12:41:04] Alyx says:
DO IT
[12:41:04] Alyx says:
DO IT
[12:41:05] Alyx says:
PLEASE
[12:41:06] Alyx says:
DO IT
[12:41:08] Daniel says:
u¯u
[12:41:10] Alyx says:
kdjsfhgsdlkghdf;lg
[12:41:12] Alyx says:
omg yay.
I don’t know why the balls my radio isn’t working. That’s irritating. Also, for anyone who’s seem the new layout and has complaints about their still not being other content, bite me. I’ll get to it. I’m tired. I’m stressed. And I have other shit I could be doing.
In other news… you should get a brute. And you should be my pupil.
http://lyxie.mybrute.com
Also, I have two fights I’d like you to see. If it says there was an error, just refresh…
http://queue-tee.mybrute.com/fight/170920052 <– that was just sick. lol. CHEATTERRR
Well, anyway. I’m trying to be chipper and having fun… and making jokes and shit. It’s not particularly working… or it’s just up and down. I’m really unusually tired, and I’m incredibly stressed. I have to take an exam tonight… but I don’t really care since I failed math. School is such a lost cause for me…
) <3<3
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