Category Archives: Family


So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:

Bruise from blood being drawn:

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx

When in doubt, talk to Emmie

Hey… so yeah. The last week or so I’ve really wanted someone to talk to, but I don’t have anyone that I feel comfortable talking to so I’ll just talk here. I’ve been incredibly depressed and anxious lately. And the way I work is I have barriers against lots of bad things that would drive me crazy if I didn’t have barriers… because of these barriers, anytime one little thing makes me upset it usually makes me think about other things, and my barriers go down and I explode with sadness and anxiety because I think of all the things I normally protect myself against. Lately I’ve felt really lonely. I don’t know if it’s just loneliness, or just feeling alone. I don’t know how I could explain those differences, but there probably is a difference between them. I do feel worried about being alone romantically, but I don’t want a relationship right now. I think I just would like someone to talk to on a regular basis, on a quasi intimate basis. The one thing I miss the most about any relationship I’ve had is having someone to talk to before bed. I don’t really have someone like that in my life. I used to. For a long time I didn’t, and then I did, and having it again, I got kinda used to it. Having it after a long time when I didn’t have it made me realize how much I missed it and want it in my life. I’m not ready for a relationship, I definitely am not. There is so much I need to learn how to do for me instead of someone else. My life has pretty much revolved around someone else for the last 10 years.

I guess what I want is a relationship without a relationship, but I am not capable of such a thing. I want someone to cuddle me, someone to say nice things to me, someone to love me and hear me bitch about how much my life sucks… without feeling like I need to do everything in my power to do everything for ‘him’ and ‘us’. And that’s not possible, so I guess I can’t have someone to just lay down and chat with at night before I go to bed. I think one thing I really need to decide and make a decision on within the next 6 months to a year whether it’s a good idea to meet Mike IRL or not. All logic says that I can’t get involved in a relationship with someone unless they are within driving distance of me. Mike certainly is not within driving distance. However my heart says if I didn’t meet him I would regret it. I feel like I would think about it in any relationship in the future. He was a great love in my life and the ending was so open ended. There was no closure. I was supposed to meet him on my birthday and it was going to be the best birthday ever. And it didn’t happen. Maybe this birthday. That would be cool. I think it would be nice to meet him because we were so in love, and it was tragic that we broke up. But at the same time… I need a physical relationship at this point in my life. In his defense he is pretty well off and could afford to see me much more often than I’m used to at this point… but I don’t know. Every close friend I have has advised me not to get involved with him. *sighs* I don’t know.

Anyway. Back to today. I slept until 11:30 or something. I guess it’s the catching up on sleep from the long week thing. I got on the right track right away and started doing homework stuff. The problem with my homework stuff is that it’s statistics and I assume statistics is pretty straight forward without reading the textbook, which is not entirely true. However the problem with this situation is that I work all week and have little time or energy to be reading 3 chapters a week in my statistics book. So today when I started doing my homework I freaked out when I couldn’t make excel do what I wanted it to do with probabilities. My frustration comes from my lack of drive to stay on top of this class when it’s a 5 week class. But I freaked out and started crying because I didn’t want to try anymore and I didn’t think I could read what I needed to read in the amount of time I have left. This stuff is due tomorrow at 11PM. It’s all probability stuff which I remember doing decently on in a past class but for some reason I can’t remember the specifics. There’s also some logical thinking involved that doesn’t come straight out of the book. In general, I do terribly when you have to apply logic that wasn’t learned from fact. Anyway, the fit from statistics turned into a fit about school and worrying about next semester, and then it turned into a fit about my future, and then it turned into a fit of epic loneliness, and then it turned into a fit about missing Daniel and his family. I took a shower to try to get myself out of the rut, and it just made it worse. I just sat in the hot water and thought about things. I just sat there and thought so hard.

And then something just completely wrecked me. I heard Daniel’s voice in my head. his brother is very delayed developmentally, he has problems. He’s special needs. He couldn’t say my name for a very long time because it’s kind of hard to say in Portuguese. It was so exciting when he first started to call me by my name, he recognized me as a person instead of a stranger just visiting. Anyway… in my head I heard him say ‘Oi Ay’ he can’t say ‘Alyx’ so he says ‘Ay’ sounds like eye. I heard his voice in my head and I just curled up in a ball and started bawling. I was trying my best to not make loud noises because I didn’t want anyone in the house to hear me. I heard it over and over again and started ‘whining’ it. You know sometimes when you’re crying or really upset and you just… whine stuff even know no one is with you and no one can hear you? I just said ‘Oi Ay’ over and over. I thought about how much I missed Daniel, and Brazil, and how there was so much I was losing. I wasn’t just losing Daniel. His family cared about me, his mom took care of me when I was sick. His family showed concern for my well being. His family accepted me even though I was completely different from them and could not even communicate with them. When I was in Brazil it was like life was carefree. It was like I was actually living life for once. I wasn’t stuck in my head. I wasn’t stuck with choices and thoughts and weighing my options and wondering what would happen if I did this or that. I was simply with my boyfriend, a best friend, we were just having fun together. We got sick around the same time, we just… experienced life together. I can’t have that. I can’t think to myself ‘Everything I do is for us, everything I do is so I can experience that again’. Those thoughts have gotten me through the last 3 years of my life. I will never have Rafa (Daniel’s brother) pull my hair again because I am taking his attention. Everyone goes ‘NAO RAFA, SOLTA!’

I will never be able to hug mamae again when I am sick and in pain. I have cried in his mother’s arms before. I don’t remember the last time I’ve ever done that to my mother. Mamae would hug me all day if I needed it. That woman loved me even though she feared I would take her son to another country, from her. I am losing so much more than just Daniel and my relationship with him, and that thought crushed me for hours today. I cried for majority of 3-4 hours today… because I heard ‘Oi Ay’. i think what really bothers me about this though… is Daniel’s response is like ‘Don’t worry you’ll find someone!’ It’s not even that. I don’t think I have an irrational fear of being alone forever. I am just coping and dealing with the sadness of losing my relationship and my relationships with his whole family. I would do anything for them. I wish it could’ve worked. It’s too hard though, it’s too much. It’s too difficult for both of us.

I have so many things I need to work on before I get into another relationship. The first of my huge goals I need to achieve is get my license. I really think having my license will help me with a lot of my problems. I think it’ll make me feel less bad about myself, but it directly affects my problems. For instance, one way I could work out on a regular basis is swimming. If I had a gym membership I could swim whenever I could get there to swim. (assuming the gym I’m thinking of has a pool). I also could have a ride to the grocery store to actually buy food that isn’t fast food. Half the time I’m hungry I order pizza because there is no food in the house and I have no way to actually go somewhere to buy food to make. I actually would have time and energy to just get away when I needed to. It takes so much time and energy to use public transportation. I would have the time and ability to actually go hang out with people because I would have a way to get there. After that… I’m not sure. I have had a draft of a list/time frame for things. Most of the things I’d like to be done before the end of ’11. Let me think… Clean my room (again, it was good for a few months, but my dresser is broken so all my clothes are on the floor), so a kinda joint part of clean my room is ‘buy a new dresser’, I think I just added to this list ‘reformat computer’ because when cleansing that’s also a good thing to do. One thing I want done, I wish I could do it before ’11 is over, but I think it’s not plausible: buy a car.

Anyway. I’m gonna headout since I’ve now apparently written 1800+ words in this entry…

I always have to say goodbye too soon…

He deserves much more than the short post I will write. But I’m hurting too much, and am too drained to really write a very long and heartfelt, thoughtful entry about how much I love him.

My gecko, Schnee died tonight. He has been sick for months, but I didn’t take it seriously until he was more visually sick; losing lots of weight. So really, it was too little too late. I wish money fixed everything. I really wish it did. But at the same time, I’d go into serious debt to fix things if money fixed everything. In the past week I have spent $300+ in vet bills on trying to save him, plus check ups for my other gecko. It’s money I don’t have, but when you care about something so much, you have no choice. Literally you have no choice. If it took selling possessions at the chance that he would be healthy again, I would’ve done it. I have no lost both of my original geckos (Cezzie and Schnee) before they were 5. I think Cezzie just made it to 4, and Schnee was about to turn 4 on April 16th…

I am now terrified to go to sleep, because sleep means awakening. Awakening means feeling the loss fresh and new in the morning. The morning after… is generally the worst. the drop in the stomach the anxiety… just everything. Now I get to deal with that.


#: 322

… GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

So, basically there has never been a lock on my door, and it has never closed properly. I have never minded too much. When I went to Brazil I slept through the night most of the time. And when I woke up, it was usually from needing to go to the bathroom, or bug bites… or it being too hot. But anyway. To come back home to how it is here, where I’m woken up constantly? It fucking sucks.

Anyway. I bought a ‘hatch lock’ or something, basically just a hole on one side, and a little hook on the other side, you put the hook in the hole and your door is locked. My dad had already installed one on the outside of my room. To keep the dogs out when I’m not here.  I asked him to install it for me, of course he fucking says no. Something that would take him 5 fucking minutes. I struggle with for at least a half an hour and it doesn’t work. What a dick.

Now I have to try to block my door like I did last night. Which means I have to try to move all the shit I blocked the door with, if I need to go to the bathroom. YAY.

Fuck this.

#: 320

Soo, hello. :) I got back from Brazil yesterday. It was a considerably better visit than the first time I went. I think the first time was; ‘Let’s see if we really love each other, and maybe let’s impress each other a bit…’ This time it was really just ‘let’s spend time together and be ourselves.’ Time was too short, and we both got sick which means we could’ve had better time together had we not been sick, but fortunately we weren’t sick for long. Luckily it wasn’t a week-long episode of being sick for either of us since we only had 2 weeks together! It’s been a pretty intense 3 weeks for me. Up, down, up, down! Right now I’m trying to adjust to being in this house again with out Daniel or his family keeping me sane and healthy. I’ve been doing loads of laundry all day. I managed to feed myself, tho! :) However my body is already reacting badly to going back to eating processed foods. In Brazil I was eating ‘real’ food the whole time… then I come back and eat stuff like subs and powered soup (Lipton’s). Lol.

While I was gone my room was absolutely destroyed by the dogs. I am trying to fix the aftermath but it’s difficult to keep myself moving with these chores of laundry and picking up trash and such. I’m only easing myself into cleaning, not diving into it like I normally do. I guess something is better than nothing, right? Anyway… so basically my desk has shelving above my monitor. 2 shelves and then ontop is a row of books spaning across the entire top of the desk. On one of the shelves above my monitor I had 2 syrups for milk (my niece gave me a ‘chocolate milk blender’ for Christmas last year). Apparently Griff (the huge Neopolitan Mastiff puppy) got down the chocolate syrup and dirtied pretty much everything in my room. Ontop of that I pretty much have no remaining survivors of the plushie persuasion. My dragon from Dave and Busters, Elmo from Dave and Busters, Oscar from Dave and Busters, and numerous others have been maimed in someway or another and will just have to go in the trash. No reason in keeping a plushie with his stuffing coming out. (unless he’s very special for one reason or another)

Onto the more traumatizing things: Most traumatizing is that somehow the dogs knocked over Mika’s terrarium. Mika is my baby leopard gecko who’s not even a year yet. Apparently my dad had to search my whole room for her; we’re lucky she wasn’t eaten by a dog, or that any of the stuff that fell out of the tank with her didn’t crush her. When I was at the beach we didn’t have internet and I had to use a lan house to communicate with my family. When I heard this news I literally had a panic attack in the lan house. Daniel had to type to my dad for me and it took me a considerable amount of time to stop crying and shaking. After thinking about it and thinking about it, I think I’m so lucky and grateful that something didn’t happen to her. She didn’t even drop her tail… What if something crushed her? What if a dog ate her? x_x omg I would’ve lost my fucking mind, for real.

Anyway, next traumatizing thing. On the top shelf after the syrup one, I had 2 dolls that my grandmother gave me. She crocheted their outfits and everything. They’re beautiful and could remind me for a long time of her awesomeness. Well anyway, some how they got the dolls down. I’ve since found one. She seems in decent condition but her hair looks like some was ripped out. The other one I haven’t found yet… I hope she’s ok. :s

Next on the list: my bed. Apparently when the chocolate fiasco took place, my dad took all the bed clothes off my bed and washed them. However, when he did that he exposed my matress. My mattress is no longer in pristine condition. The dogs have made it all dirty, which makes me sad. I’m sure you can probably spot clean a mattress, but it would be pretty impossible in this house to move it outside to clean/dry it. :( It was also pretty shitty to just wanna go to sleep, but have to clean everything and make my bed and stuff. Plus, there’s a huge hole in my sheet. Wtf is that bullshit?

Next: My earrings. I keep my earrings in a small (no bigger by 5in by 5in) ceramic turtle that I bought in Mexico. I keep it on the same shelf as the syrup. It’s been knocked down and who knows where the fuck all my earrings are now. :(

Anyway. Despite my room being a disaster, and my hard time adjusting to being home again… I really had a wonderful time while I was with Daniel in Brazil. We were quite happy and only had a few altercations. When you are with someone 24/7 you’ll have altercations. Lol. Some of them were me catching an attitude from bleeding. Some of them were really just me being a brat, or him being a brat, or both. We generally got over these fights quickly though. Online I’m not sure they’d disappear as quickly. I guess there’s something about seeing the look of your love being so pissed that you hate to see and do anything to stop.

Anyway. I’ve been doing laundry all day and am now trying to figure out my future semesters at MC to prepare for University of Maryland.

See ya. :)

#: 315

Heya. Sooo yeah, recent events have made me want to write here! So here I go :) First of all, working with/for family can sometimes be really stressful. Also it really stresses me out to know people that are so… heated? I don’t even know the word to use here. Just responding to everything in the most extreme way possible everytime. I hope I’m not one of those people, even though sometimes I know I can be. Anyway so some shit at work you know. And lately I really feel like I want to grow up and stop gossiping and talking about what happened. I should just leave it as it is and yeah.  Well, I’m still young and still have time to learn and act on these life lessons.

Anyway, moving on. I am tired and have had a long day. My alarm was going off for an hour. I finally dragged my ass out of bed at 9:30, and took forever to catch a bus, and then it was smooth while on Metro. Went to the Museum of Natural History. I hadn’t been there in years. And can I say? I fucking love that place. I wish I could go there every day for a week to actually absorb all the information that is to be experienced in that lovely building. However, my experience today wasn’t so beautiful. I didn’t have enough time, I spent most of it in the exhibit I’ll do my website on… so I didn’t get to see all the stuff I wanted to. Also, as cool as it was in the beginning to be by myself, it started dawning on me that it would’ve been cooler to have a person or people with me.  Yeah. Anyway, then I had to go to work and teach a class. Oh and I went to the book store (twice now) and they didn’t have the book I needed for school. Moving on… then I went to eat food, then was waiting around for a while to go to the movies… I get tired easily, and then cranky, and this is why I dislike late showings :( Anyway. I saw Inception

Note: I won’t bother finishing this, it was apparently a lost draft. Not sure when it was written. Oh Sept 25th apparently.

#: 307

Heya. So yeah, this morning was rough. I generally have problems with sleeping and wake up easily, and then if I wake up I usually don’t fall asleep that easily. Last night, I saw that Schnee’s heater was out. It made me anxious because I just can’t lose anymore geckos for a while, I just can’t handle it. Even now if I go to feed them. If they’re in their hides and don’t poke their head out… it sinks my stomach and makes me worried to lift up the hide. Well anyway. So recently the dogs some how knock into the rheostat and make it so when I come home the temp is really low. It pissed me off so much each time. Anyway, this time I come home and the heater just didn’t respond at all.

It kinda upsets me also because of the money aspect. I’m already ass-deep in credit card debt. Now I’ll add to it. lol. I’ve never had over $1K debt that I didn’t have money to pay off. It really bothers me. I don’t think my credit score has gone down or anything… but it still bothers me. I don’t want to get in trouble with it. Lately I’ve been letting my mom pay for my food, even though I hate that… I’m just avoiding spending money at all costs until I pay it off more. I’m about to have to pay $200 for the cable bill, $50+ for my phone bill, $50+ for the heater… ._. Hopefully I’ll pull out of it. Maybe I’ll stop putting money towards Daniel and I for a month or two, which is an extra $400 towards paying off my debt. But the gym also owes me $2K or so, so if I ever get that check, I’ll be good. ;)

Anyway… I also started reading around online and found that putting tempts in the 70s will put them into hibernation. Which is okay and natural I guess… but I don’t want him to hibernate T_T I want him to eat and be active! So yeah…

I’m tired and have to teach in 15 mins.

P.S. I’m going to the zoo on Friday and we’ll have an awesome time. Then I’ll play cards. And then I’ll go crabbing with the fam. Totally siked!

#: 292

Hey again,
I’m about to be a bitchy ranter. There’s your disclaimer.

I definitely hate how anytime I try to play something, it just kind of falls to pieces. I feel like it definitely happens every time I try to plan something. It pisses me off so much. for instance, last time there was a holiday I tried to get the whole family to go crabbing. No one ended up going. I was LIVID. My bad for trying to get the fucking family together? It always used to happen with my clique of friends, when I had one. I would plan stuff to go down, and people just ended up dropping out. It happened at my birthday party too. It’s like ‘Why the fuck do I bother?’

But anyway, on to the most recent example. 2-3 weeks ago I got excited because memorial day was coming up. I thought it was a GREAT opportunity to get the family together. I also figured it was an awesome opportunity to be outside having fun, having a social life. Also, my mom and sister have a leotard business. A big hit is tye-dyed leotards. We haven’t made them in a long while. So I figured we could get some of those made! It’s always fun to do tye-dying. So this is kind of a multiple-step disappointment. The first one I saw within the first week or two, but it’s hit fully now. I had been asking and asking between my mom and sister if they would have leotards ready. Wendy kept saying ‘I’ve asked mom’ etc. So I found a bag of leotards for dying last night… there’s only a handful. I was expecting to make hundreds. So yeah. Disappointment a. Okay, now it gets better. I invited my friend Josh down for the fun, figuring we could have fun outside like we did when I went to visit. We played frisbee and it was awesome. So yeah, I had high hopes of frisbee, etc. And we just kept going back and forth and the plans for the weekend got more and more extravagant. So we had decided that we would go to Six Flags on Saturday, and then we’d go to this party at my sister’s house on Sunday. It was gonna be an AWESOME weekend. So anyway, day before yesterday or so we start finalizing things. At some point he was like, ‘dude maybe I’ll even go up and get Todd then come down’. So yeah, we had this awesome weekend planned out. And I have spent a lot of money lately, so I kind of didn’t want to spend the ticket money at 6-flags. So, Josh was kinda like, ‘It’s a lot of driving so we’ll see how I feel after driving from Warren if I’ll come down Saturday morning’. We had discussed possibly going crabbing. I was hoping to do something on Saturday. I took off work for it and all, lol. But yeah, I texted Josh around 9:30, expecting that he left at least. Nupe. Texted around 11:30, still haven’t left. Now around 12:00 he asks if I mind if his gf comes.

I mean I don’t care. I have no jealous about either of them, I have no reason or desire to be jealous. However I am irritated because I just hate what girlfriend do to boys. I really do. She’s going to make him act like a fool. I think he asked with the intent of thinking for some reason I have reason to be jealous or uncomfortable about it. I find it funny, but he’s arrogant that way. Anyhoo. My issues with it are these: Firstly, I already felt mildly weird about invite Josh and Todd to this family outing thing. I mean I invited Lizzie too, but she’s practically family. But yeah, then asking the day before, ‘Oh by the way, sister, do you mind if my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend comes along too? Yeah, I don’t know her either, but Josh is pretty intent on her going.’ The reason beyond inviting someone I’ve never met to a family thing, is that we’re also having a ‘slumber party’ at my sister’s house. So yeah, at this point we’re going to do nothing on this fabulous Saturday that I took off, even though I’ve missed 3 Saturdays already. I wish I didn’t take off work for it. Or rather, I wish Josh would’ve fucking told me that he wasn’t coming, maybe last night would’ve been a nice time to discretely say, ‘I’m not going to be down until Saturday night.’

But yeah. The other issue is just I don’t think she’ll fit in. I just have that gut feeling. I don’t know her at all, so I’m completely judging her. But the thing that Josh, Todd, and I have is ages old. We have history. And she is a fall back girlfriend. As mean as it is, she’s a tiny pinprick on the timeline that is our friendships. I give it mmm… 3 months? Maybe that’s generous. But he’s ‘happy’. We’ll see how long it lasts. He’s fucking his last ‘love interest’s best friend. That never goes well. Plus, he waited a WEEK in between relationships. Really? He can sit there and tell me to wait 3 months, but he’s above his own rules. So yeah. I’m not jealous, I’m just a stuck up bitch who hates females because they’re annoying, and they generally make males act annoying too.

So much for a nice weekend!

P.S. I found a breeder in Northern Virginia (which in general is considerably closer than the previous breeders I had found).

#: 290

It’s a very humbling experience to experience death first hand. I don’t mean finding something already dead. Of course, that is a humbling experience too. But having something that was alive, breathing, die while you’re sitting there witnessing it? Maybe I’m just dramatic, but it mentally seems to be a life changing event. It makes you feel less… angry at trivial things. My baby leopard gecko died in my hands today. I cradled her in my hands and watched her final twitches. I don’t want to think about it too much, because when I think of it that way it’s kind of a scary thing to think about. It’s something you think would only happen in a movie – never to you. But I guess it kind of already has happened to me. And maybe it traumatized me for life and it’s one of the reasons why death scares me to nearly an irrational point. When I was in 3rd or 4th grade my dog, Lottie killed my other dog, Muddie. She was torn up very badly and laying in shock on this pull-out mattress thing that was part of my bunk bed. I think I absolutely lost my mind, and it was my first, biggest episode with death in my life. I don’t remember that I actually watched her take her last breaths, but I remember my dad saying she was in shock.

Anyway. I’m very sure I saw my baby take her last breaths today. I don’t know how death works, but there were a few head things she did. She was so motionless in my hands. I had been trying to feed her this slurry stuff. It’s got pedialyte, and ensure, and mealworms, it’s like a protein shake for geckos who can’t eat. Or something. She had been moving sometimes when I was giving her it, like she’d get annoyed that I was trying to give it to her. And suddenly she stopped moving. I took her to the bathroom to give her a warm soak. She wouldn’t hold her head up. Previously when I gave her soaks, she would hold her head up. I started getting worried at that point. Sometimes she’d be so sleepy that I could touch her a few times and she wouldn’t respond. But it was different this time. She was so limp, and really not doing anything.I then really thought she was dead. When I kept moving her legs and they were just lifeless and non responsive. I started crying and talking to her and apologizing. In my head I was talking to ‘God’. But not really. I just wanted her to be okay. I had her in my hands and started thinking that my gecko was dying in my hands, and death scared me, and death was gross. But at the same time I was just torn with grief that this little thing that I’ve loved so much for 2 weeks… this little thing that has been my world, is not going to be my world anymore.  My grief definitely won the battle. I was rocking back in forth wishing she was the type of pet you could just snuggle. Even though I knew she was dead, an icky dead corpse, I wanted to snuggle my baby and tell her I loved her and tell her it would be okay now, and tell her I’m sorry because she never had a name, and tell her I’m sorry because I didn’t save her. I held her and was hunched over and rocking a bit. I then looked close and saw her breathing.  I got excited, and I guess that was the point where I really thought of ‘think-talking’ to ‘God’. And I kept chanting, ‘Please please please’, but of course she was really dying here. Her limps were lifeless. I would touch her and she would not respond at all. Then over the course of 5 minutes or so, she probably jerked her head faintly maybe.. 3-4 times in intervals. I assume that was an electrical response or something. Just her systems shutting down, using extra energy. After a few of those jerks I really stopped thinking it was her getting any ‘better’. Maybe the first one I thought she was fighting to stay alive. After that I just figured she was dying slowly… in my hands. I decided to put her back in her tank so she could rest peacefully. I stood there for a minute thinking about it first I think. Bawling my fucking eyes out, with my tiny gecko in my hands. I put her down on the paper towel, and of course I can’t lay her flat if she’s laying flat in my hand. I put her down and she was kinda tilted on her side… and she just kinda.. didn’t fix herself. It made me cry more and really just… made it a deafening roar that I could no longer escape. I put her hide over her even though she had to be gone. I think I said I love you and I’m sorry. I think my dad walked in the house not even 5 minutes after that.

As I was changing into work clothes in the bathroom I heard my dad taking off the top of the tank on her cage and moving stuff in there. By the time I was out, he was too, and it looked as if she wasn’t touched. I then told him my experience that I just listed here, and he said, ‘Well when I just went in there and held her… I don’t think she’s with us.’ I really kept my composure well. A few minutes after that, he said, ‘If she’s stiff before you get home, she won’t be there anymore.’ my response was, ‘Okay, please ut her with everyone else (wilbird and Cezzie in the front yard). ‘

My coworker, Brandon, who’s what I’d consider an acquaintance I guess, but could be a friend. He’s definitely a friend when we’re at work, but we’ve never hung out outside of work, but if we did I would consider him a friend. He came into my office when I was crying, I wiped my face and knew I couldn’t play actress, no way in hell. SO I just told him. He made it much easier for me to work. He hugged me multiple times and apologized and we talked for a good 10 minutes or so. It was really helpful, along with teaching kids I actually like. I didn’t necessarily care like I normally would… it was hard to stay positive and focused rather than lazy and looking at my watch every 30 seconds. But the cupcakes were a nice touch..

Driving up the hill on Plyers Mill Rd was hard. It was full of anxiety. I knew it was going to be devestating to not come home to that baby anymore. To come home and not have that need to help her… that want to have her in my life for a long time. What do you do? It’s life altering. I attach easily, and suck things into my life. If they’re taken away… how do you adjust? I don’t know. But as soon as we pulled into outside of our house and I walked up the steps, it got worse. I saw the fresh dirt and I teared up. I blew her a kiss and said I love you. I can’t wait until the pain subsides and it’s just normal to see her in the ground in the front yard instead of seeing her every morning in my room. God, I miss her so much.

Experiencing death that way is life changing. Experiencing sickness, experiencing just… a race against time. Trying to run from death, changes you. I tried to sprint with that baby, I tried sprinting from death with her in my hands. But I guess I don’t run very fast.

I love you, baby. Rest in peace, okay? I hope you’re not hurting anymore. I’m sorry I couldn’t take the pain away. I’m sorry you couldn’t eat so much like I know you wanted to. I would’ve fed you anything you wanted. I fucking hate crickets.

But I fucking love you.

Good night, sleepyhead.

P.S. The PC has windows on it now. But I could give a shit less.

#: 287

My sister recently has had several talks with me about how she’s sick of me bitching, and doesn’t want to hear about it, or see posts about it. I’ll assume she doesn’t know this is here. And really… isn’t it a free country to write in a blog? lol. But I guess it’s also a free country for her to fire me over what I write here.

One of the things that really bothers me, is I’m that person at my job that is expected to know how to do everything, and fix every problem. For instance, for whatever reason ‘we’ (by we I mean my sister and her husband) decided to use efax. I don’t see the benefits of it at all so far, to be honest with you, lol. No one knows how to send a fax, and it’s really a pain to send one in comparison to if we just… had a fax machine. Anyway, so my sister calls me and asks me how to use it. I’ve actually explained how to use it multiple times. And the only reason I know how to do it, is because my brother-in-law explained it to me. I sent an e-mail last weekend about how to use it, to everyone that I thought would need to know how to use it. But yeah, she called back after I told her how to do it, and was like, ‘It said this e-mail isn’t authorized.’, There are only certain e-mails that are authorized to send faxes. So she expected me to know how to send an e-mail from one e-mail address instead of the other (there are multiple e-mail accounts on the thunderbird at work)

I wish the computer I ‘built’ with m own two hands would work :( I guess my own two hands aren’t very good.