Category Archives: Grr!


So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:

Bruise from blood being drawn:

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx

Saturday night…

So Saturday night I had one of my ‘pain’ attacks. I’ve had these ever so often since… I think my first one I was still with Mike. So that’s years ago. Years of these things. But not too often really. Anyway. I’m not sure I’ve ever explained the attacks on here before. I have to a few people that are close to me. Essentially it’s a rapid onset of pain. It makes it so I can’t move. If I move I will have trouble breathing and I will probably throw up. To make it easier on myself I just kinda writhe in bed. In the past I always assumed it was a gas thing or an acid reflux sorta thing. It would be this continuing pain from my chest, I guess it would kinda start in my stomach and radiate up. But then it went to my back. It was just bad. Anyway, I had one of these attacks on Saturday. The issue was, the pain in my chest didn’t stop. I couldn’t sleep. I got my parents involved. I’m never in enough pain to get anyone but close people online involved, and that’s usually after it happens. My dad chalked it up to acid reflux or heartburn or something. So I took a lot of heartburn stuff, anti bloating stuff, and it helped, but I couldn’t sleep. It was very frustrating, and very painful. I couldn’t sleep the next night either. So I made an appointment. A doctor’s appointment. Quick thing about me; I hate doctors. I have avoided doctors successfully for 10 years.

My doctor is pretty awesome though. He had me run blood work on Monday, he called me Monday night after he scheduled an ultrasound for me the next day. Then he told me over the phone some enzyme was high and I probably had gallstones. He wanted more blood tests to make sure I didn’t have hepatitis. This morning I had more blood work and an ultrasound. Ultrasound technician had some trouble, I feel kinda bruised from it :( But regardless, I have ‘too many gallstones to count’ so I need surgery. My doctor said they’d just pluck the stones out, but I have an appointment with my surgeon on Friday. I guess, possibly he’d take the gallbladder out completely. I don’t know. I kinda hope not. Sounds more serious than just plucking them out.

Regardless. This just goes to show my eating habits of kinda fasting and eating big meals… can’t do that. Also can’t eat these hugely fatty meals without consequence. Not sure how well I can work it out since it’s engrained into me to eat this way… but the pain sucked and hopefully it’ll motivate me to be better. :)

I need to go to bed because the pain is starting to get to me when it hasn’t been here all night. Would be a shame to not get sleep because of pain when I’ve been up all day with no pain!

<3, Alyx

I always have to say goodbye too soon…

He deserves much more than the short post I will write. But I’m hurting too much, and am too drained to really write a very long and heartfelt, thoughtful entry about how much I love him.

My gecko, Schnee died tonight. He has been sick for months, but I didn’t take it seriously until he was more visually sick; losing lots of weight. So really, it was too little too late. I wish money fixed everything. I really wish it did. But at the same time, I’d go into serious debt to fix things if money fixed everything. In the past week I have spent $300+ in vet bills on trying to save him, plus check ups for my other gecko. It’s money I don’t have, but when you care about something so much, you have no choice. Literally you have no choice. If it took selling possessions at the chance that he would be healthy again, I would’ve done it. I have no lost both of my original geckos (Cezzie and Schnee) before they were 5. I think Cezzie just made it to 4, and Schnee was about to turn 4 on April 16th…

I am now terrified to go to sleep, because sleep means awakening. Awakening means feeling the loss fresh and new in the morning. The morning after… is generally the worst. the drop in the stomach the anxiety… just everything. Now I get to deal with that.


JavaScript is Adolf Hitler Reincarnate!

So, a few things. I have decided that it can’t be exciting to read a title with a number. Who fucking cares what post count I have? No one cares, and it doesn’t make my e-peen better. I assume it’ll make for a better reading experience to actually know what you’re about to read.

So, as my title implies. My new nemesis is JAVASCRIPT. :) My JavaScript is my new sources of tears, frustration, and hours of coding that gets me no where. I don’t think it would be so bad, if I was taking it with the guy who USED to teach it. But alas, I am not. :s The new guy is just that, A FUCKING NEW GUY. Let me tell you something. New professors in college are not shiney and new and exciting. They don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, and they’re illprepared. Maybe I’m generalizing too much from my ONE experience with ONE person. Yes, I am, because my professor in Geology last semester it was his first semester and he was AMAZING. So, yeah, maybe this guy is just a DOUCHE. Basically, anyone with experience with any kind of programming that I have talked to, have said it’s insane that we’re doing stuff so advanced already. It’s lunacy. I’ve already worked around… 5 hours on this thing? Maybe more. I haven’t been able to work at it ALL at once like I did on the last assignment, which took me 10 hours. Haha. :3! Speaking of, here they is, assignments 1 and 2 At least I was proud of myself after I got it done. And this only made me cry once. The second assignment has made me cry multiple times.

It’s very stupid. We have to make a search function. And actually, from having done this assignment and having done the research for it… It’s really easy to make what he wants to happen… happen. Just not the way he wants to happen. He wants us to use a recursive function. If you know nothing about programming, let me just tell you. Recursive functions are one of those things that are rarely if EVER used in programming at all. It’s like you learn it because it’s part of the curriculum, not because you will use it terribly much in your career as a programmer. A recursive function is essentially a function that calls itself. It repeatedly goes through data until it gets to the stopping point that you set.

Anyway, so I’ve tried this thing multiple times and I’ve sent my professor e-mails and he doesn’t check them every 5 seconds like all other professors… so it’s really not helpful when I’m stuck on something. Maybe I expect too much, I don’t know. But it’s pretty ridiculous. :( He mentions things we should be using AFTER I’ve already been working on it for hours. That’s like saying, “Oh, good job, you’ve turned this 10 page paper in, but I forgot to mention that it’s supposed to be a Toulmin’s Analysis.” (ie., fucking start over again, bitch)

Anyway. Going out to brunch.

#: 322

… GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

So, basically there has never been a lock on my door, and it has never closed properly. I have never minded too much. When I went to Brazil I slept through the night most of the time. And when I woke up, it was usually from needing to go to the bathroom, or bug bites… or it being too hot. But anyway. To come back home to how it is here, where I’m woken up constantly? It fucking sucks.

Anyway. I bought a ‘hatch lock’ or something, basically just a hole on one side, and a little hook on the other side, you put the hook in the hole and your door is locked. My dad had already installed one on the outside of my room. To keep the dogs out when I’m not here.  I asked him to install it for me, of course he fucking says no. Something that would take him 5 fucking minutes. I struggle with for at least a half an hour and it doesn’t work. What a dick.

Now I have to try to block my door like I did last night. Which means I have to try to move all the shit I blocked the door with, if I need to go to the bathroom. YAY.

Fuck this.

#: 304

Now is one of those times when you’re all I have. Which is okay because I can cry on your shoulder and then go to sleep. Everything is too much. I think I could go to school, do homework, and then be at the gym… but I just can’t stand being at the gym all day. Maybe if it was once or twice a week. Nah, dawg. It’s all week long, and multiple weeks in a row. I’m just so done. It’s one thing for Corey or my mom to be working these kind of hours… they’re owners, they’ll ‘eventually’ have a shit load of money from the company. Michelle will dish out, and does dish out, more to them. Paying me more is an unnecessary expense to the company. And I’m not supposed to complain. If I complain I’m a brat, I’m worthless, I don’t care about the family, etcetc.

To add to it, I have 3 and 4 year olds all morning. It wouldn’t be all that bad, if half of them weren’t brats. This one cries and cries in the beginning of camp, her mom comes into the gym EVERY. FUCKING. MORNING. Parents aren’t allowed in the gym unless they’re there for a parent participation class. There is no parent participation for camp. Get. The. Fuck. Out. The whole crying and ‘mommy mommy, I want mommy’ bullshit pisses me off. I’m bigger than you kid, I know you’re playing your mom for everything she’s worth, and you get away with it. I fucking HATE that. UGH. Anyway. It also frustrates me that there are some talented kids in my group, which is usually hard to come by for a group of 3 and 4 year olds. Generally they’re brain dead midgets that are running around over stimulated by all the gym has to offer. Nah, these kids could be good if they weren’t fucking brats. That girl that cries every morning? If I didn’t hate her mother, and how bratty she is and gets away with everything… she could go somewhere in gymnastics. But she won’t because of her mom. I won’t even bother pursuing her because of her mom.

Anyway. So not only do I have camp from 8:30 – 1, I then get dragged back into the gym here and there because I’m everyone’s puppet and have no choice, otherwise I’m always the scape goat for bad employee. But then I teach a class at 4:00. So I teach from 4:00- 5:00, and then I coach from 5:30-8:30. It’s so much. Actually interacting with children takes so much out of you. For that amount of time, it’s insane. Maybe I shouldn’t be a mom. I don’t have it in me, man. I just don’t. I actually pretty much pulled my shit together toward the end of the day. Didn’t feel so grumpy when I got home.

But then of course, I got in pissing matches with two people back to back, and now I just feel that chokey-feeling at the back of my throat right before a panic attack. Funny, I think I’m too tired to even have a panic attack. That chokey feeling has been there for at least 10 minutes, and no panic attack has come. I think I’m that tired, it’s so amazing. Have you ever been so tired you can’t have a panic attack even though it feels like your body needs to have one? I apparently have been that tired before! Yeah. I’m selfish, other people are selfish. The world keeps going. Woot woot. I had a nice evening of Dragon Ball Z and The Guild planned for tonight. The people I was gonna watch with don’t like my long days either, so we’re not doing those things anymore :)!

Big sigh. I just want to cry myself to sleep. I’m so emo. If only I could get my hair as straight as emo kids do. Then I’d be on a ball. Oh yeah… so my little free time is one of the things that stresses me out. There is not enough time for me to get the things done I want to get done in the amount of time allotted. I’m supposed to go to my niece and nephew’s. I’m supposed to see my friend Jon. And then I just want to sit. I just want to sit and bring in all the nothingness that is so lovely from being away from work. I wish I had two days off so I could have one for other people and one for me. Will I even have the energy to go crabbing this weekend if weather/car permits? That’s a sad thought right there. Do I have enough energy to go crabbing? I can’t believe I even have to ask such a question. What is life coming to?

*sigh* All 3 of my favorite people I barely got to talk to today. It stresses me so fucking much. I guess I chased 2 of them away, and then the other one I can’t really talk to because I’m at work all day and can’t talk to him more than 5 minutes. gotta love time zones. I wish I had more people I liked to talk to.

Emmie, help me feel better?

#: 292

Hey again,
I’m about to be a bitchy ranter. There’s your disclaimer.

I definitely hate how anytime I try to play something, it just kind of falls to pieces. I feel like it definitely happens every time I try to plan something. It pisses me off so much. for instance, last time there was a holiday I tried to get the whole family to go crabbing. No one ended up going. I was LIVID. My bad for trying to get the fucking family together? It always used to happen with my clique of friends, when I had one. I would plan stuff to go down, and people just ended up dropping out. It happened at my birthday party too. It’s like ‘Why the fuck do I bother?’

But anyway, on to the most recent example. 2-3 weeks ago I got excited because memorial day was coming up. I thought it was a GREAT opportunity to get the family together. I also figured it was an awesome opportunity to be outside having fun, having a social life. Also, my mom and sister have a leotard business. A big hit is tye-dyed leotards. We haven’t made them in a long while. So I figured we could get some of those made! It’s always fun to do tye-dying. So this is kind of a multiple-step disappointment. The first one I saw within the first week or two, but it’s hit fully now. I had been asking and asking between my mom and sister if they would have leotards ready. Wendy kept saying ‘I’ve asked mom’ etc. So I found a bag of leotards for dying last night… there’s only a handful. I was expecting to make hundreds. So yeah. Disappointment a. Okay, now it gets better. I invited my friend Josh down for the fun, figuring we could have fun outside like we did when I went to visit. We played frisbee and it was awesome. So yeah, I had high hopes of frisbee, etc. And we just kept going back and forth and the plans for the weekend got more and more extravagant. So we had decided that we would go to Six Flags on Saturday, and then we’d go to this party at my sister’s house on Sunday. It was gonna be an AWESOME weekend. So anyway, day before yesterday or so we start finalizing things. At some point he was like, ‘dude maybe I’ll even go up and get Todd then come down’. So yeah, we had this awesome weekend planned out. And I have spent a lot of money lately, so I kind of didn’t want to spend the ticket money at 6-flags. So, Josh was kinda like, ‘It’s a lot of driving so we’ll see how I feel after driving from Warren if I’ll come down Saturday morning’. We had discussed possibly going crabbing. I was hoping to do something on Saturday. I took off work for it and all, lol. But yeah, I texted Josh around 9:30, expecting that he left at least. Nupe. Texted around 11:30, still haven’t left. Now around 12:00 he asks if I mind if his gf comes.

I mean I don’t care. I have no jealous about either of them, I have no reason or desire to be jealous. However I am irritated because I just hate what girlfriend do to boys. I really do. She’s going to make him act like a fool. I think he asked with the intent of thinking for some reason I have reason to be jealous or uncomfortable about it. I find it funny, but he’s arrogant that way. Anyhoo. My issues with it are these: Firstly, I already felt mildly weird about invite Josh and Todd to this family outing thing. I mean I invited Lizzie too, but she’s practically family. But yeah, then asking the day before, ‘Oh by the way, sister, do you mind if my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend comes along too? Yeah, I don’t know her either, but Josh is pretty intent on her going.’ The reason beyond inviting someone I’ve never met to a family thing, is that we’re also having a ‘slumber party’ at my sister’s house. So yeah, at this point we’re going to do nothing on this fabulous Saturday that I took off, even though I’ve missed 3 Saturdays already. I wish I didn’t take off work for it. Or rather, I wish Josh would’ve fucking told me that he wasn’t coming, maybe last night would’ve been a nice time to discretely say, ‘I’m not going to be down until Saturday night.’

But yeah. The other issue is just I don’t think she’ll fit in. I just have that gut feeling. I don’t know her at all, so I’m completely judging her. But the thing that Josh, Todd, and I have is ages old. We have history. And she is a fall back girlfriend. As mean as it is, she’s a tiny pinprick on the timeline that is our friendships. I give it mmm… 3 months? Maybe that’s generous. But he’s ‘happy’. We’ll see how long it lasts. He’s fucking his last ‘love interest’s best friend. That never goes well. Plus, he waited a WEEK in between relationships. Really? He can sit there and tell me to wait 3 months, but he’s above his own rules. So yeah. I’m not jealous, I’m just a stuck up bitch who hates females because they’re annoying, and they generally make males act annoying too.

So much for a nice weekend!

P.S. I found a breeder in Northern Virginia (which in general is considerably closer than the previous breeders I had found).

#: 290

It’s a very humbling experience to experience death first hand. I don’t mean finding something already dead. Of course, that is a humbling experience too. But having something that was alive, breathing, die while you’re sitting there witnessing it? Maybe I’m just dramatic, but it mentally seems to be a life changing event. It makes you feel less… angry at trivial things. My baby leopard gecko died in my hands today. I cradled her in my hands and watched her final twitches. I don’t want to think about it too much, because when I think of it that way it’s kind of a scary thing to think about. It’s something you think would only happen in a movie – never to you. But I guess it kind of already has happened to me. And maybe it traumatized me for life and it’s one of the reasons why death scares me to nearly an irrational point. When I was in 3rd or 4th grade my dog, Lottie killed my other dog, Muddie. She was torn up very badly and laying in shock on this pull-out mattress thing that was part of my bunk bed. I think I absolutely lost my mind, and it was my first, biggest episode with death in my life. I don’t remember that I actually watched her take her last breaths, but I remember my dad saying she was in shock.

Anyway. I’m very sure I saw my baby take her last breaths today. I don’t know how death works, but there were a few head things she did. She was so motionless in my hands. I had been trying to feed her this slurry stuff. It’s got pedialyte, and ensure, and mealworms, it’s like a protein shake for geckos who can’t eat. Or something. She had been moving sometimes when I was giving her it, like she’d get annoyed that I was trying to give it to her. And suddenly she stopped moving. I took her to the bathroom to give her a warm soak. She wouldn’t hold her head up. Previously when I gave her soaks, she would hold her head up. I started getting worried at that point. Sometimes she’d be so sleepy that I could touch her a few times and she wouldn’t respond. But it was different this time. She was so limp, and really not doing anything.I then really thought she was dead. When I kept moving her legs and they were just lifeless and non responsive. I started crying and talking to her and apologizing. In my head I was talking to ‘God’. But not really. I just wanted her to be okay. I had her in my hands and started thinking that my gecko was dying in my hands, and death scared me, and death was gross. But at the same time I was just torn with grief that this little thing that I’ve loved so much for 2 weeks… this little thing that has been my world, is not going to be my world anymore.  My grief definitely won the battle. I was rocking back in forth wishing she was the type of pet you could just snuggle. Even though I knew she was dead, an icky dead corpse, I wanted to snuggle my baby and tell her I loved her and tell her it would be okay now, and tell her I’m sorry because she never had a name, and tell her I’m sorry because I didn’t save her. I held her and was hunched over and rocking a bit. I then looked close and saw her breathing.  I got excited, and I guess that was the point where I really thought of ‘think-talking’ to ‘God’. And I kept chanting, ‘Please please please’, but of course she was really dying here. Her limps were lifeless. I would touch her and she would not respond at all. Then over the course of 5 minutes or so, she probably jerked her head faintly maybe.. 3-4 times in intervals. I assume that was an electrical response or something. Just her systems shutting down, using extra energy. After a few of those jerks I really stopped thinking it was her getting any ‘better’. Maybe the first one I thought she was fighting to stay alive. After that I just figured she was dying slowly… in my hands. I decided to put her back in her tank so she could rest peacefully. I stood there for a minute thinking about it first I think. Bawling my fucking eyes out, with my tiny gecko in my hands. I put her down on the paper towel, and of course I can’t lay her flat if she’s laying flat in my hand. I put her down and she was kinda tilted on her side… and she just kinda.. didn’t fix herself. It made me cry more and really just… made it a deafening roar that I could no longer escape. I put her hide over her even though she had to be gone. I think I said I love you and I’m sorry. I think my dad walked in the house not even 5 minutes after that.

As I was changing into work clothes in the bathroom I heard my dad taking off the top of the tank on her cage and moving stuff in there. By the time I was out, he was too, and it looked as if she wasn’t touched. I then told him my experience that I just listed here, and he said, ‘Well when I just went in there and held her… I don’t think she’s with us.’ I really kept my composure well. A few minutes after that, he said, ‘If she’s stiff before you get home, she won’t be there anymore.’ my response was, ‘Okay, please ut her with everyone else (wilbird and Cezzie in the front yard). ‘

My coworker, Brandon, who’s what I’d consider an acquaintance I guess, but could be a friend. He’s definitely a friend when we’re at work, but we’ve never hung out outside of work, but if we did I would consider him a friend. He came into my office when I was crying, I wiped my face and knew I couldn’t play actress, no way in hell. SO I just told him. He made it much easier for me to work. He hugged me multiple times and apologized and we talked for a good 10 minutes or so. It was really helpful, along with teaching kids I actually like. I didn’t necessarily care like I normally would… it was hard to stay positive and focused rather than lazy and looking at my watch every 30 seconds. But the cupcakes were a nice touch..

Driving up the hill on Plyers Mill Rd was hard. It was full of anxiety. I knew it was going to be devestating to not come home to that baby anymore. To come home and not have that need to help her… that want to have her in my life for a long time. What do you do? It’s life altering. I attach easily, and suck things into my life. If they’re taken away… how do you adjust? I don’t know. But as soon as we pulled into outside of our house and I walked up the steps, it got worse. I saw the fresh dirt and I teared up. I blew her a kiss and said I love you. I can’t wait until the pain subsides and it’s just normal to see her in the ground in the front yard instead of seeing her every morning in my room. God, I miss her so much.

Experiencing death that way is life changing. Experiencing sickness, experiencing just… a race against time. Trying to run from death, changes you. I tried to sprint with that baby, I tried sprinting from death with her in my hands. But I guess I don’t run very fast.

I love you, baby. Rest in peace, okay? I hope you’re not hurting anymore. I’m sorry I couldn’t take the pain away. I’m sorry you couldn’t eat so much like I know you wanted to. I would’ve fed you anything you wanted. I fucking hate crickets.

But I fucking love you.

Good night, sleepyhead.

P.S. The PC has windows on it now. But I could give a shit less.

#: 287

My sister recently has had several talks with me about how she’s sick of me bitching, and doesn’t want to hear about it, or see posts about it. I’ll assume she doesn’t know this is here. And really… isn’t it a free country to write in a blog? lol. But I guess it’s also a free country for her to fire me over what I write here.

One of the things that really bothers me, is I’m that person at my job that is expected to know how to do everything, and fix every problem. For instance, for whatever reason ‘we’ (by we I mean my sister and her husband) decided to use efax. I don’t see the benefits of it at all so far, to be honest with you, lol. No one knows how to send a fax, and it’s really a pain to send one in comparison to if we just… had a fax machine. Anyway, so my sister calls me and asks me how to use it. I’ve actually explained how to use it multiple times. And the only reason I know how to do it, is because my brother-in-law explained it to me. I sent an e-mail last weekend about how to use it, to everyone that I thought would need to know how to use it. But yeah, she called back after I told her how to do it, and was like, ‘It said this e-mail isn’t authorized.’, There are only certain e-mails that are authorized to send faxes. So she expected me to know how to send an e-mail from one e-mail address instead of the other (there are multiple e-mail accounts on the thunderbird at work)

I wish the computer I ‘built’ with m own two hands would work :( I guess my own two hands aren’t very good.

#: 286

People always get on me for being negative. But really? Let’s be honest. What motivates me to be positive when everytime I even try to be ‘not negative’, it blows up in my face. ie. This stupid fucking computer. This can’t be normal. If you’ve ever built a computer before, the first time you did it, did it take you days to get it in working order? I mean really? Someone should’ve fucking told me though, I wouldn’t have done it.

I bought a new power supply. And the shit still doesn’t work. I guess it’s the motherboard. Which pisses me off. I’ll have to essentially completely reput the computer back together. And then if it’s not the motherboard? Wow, I’ll be fucking pissed. :)