Category Archives: Graphics/Web Design


So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:

Bruise from blood being drawn:

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx

School, boys, etc.

Hey Emmie,
Last few nights I’ve found myself laying in bed wishing I had someone to confide in, but looking through my phone I couldn’t find anyone that wouldn’t have bias… or just I knew what they would say in response. I knew what their advice would be, and I don’t want to hear it and it wouldn’t be helpful at all. So I’m going to pretend that writing here will help even though you won’t respond at all. I’m going to pretend that ‘getting it out’ helps this problem.

Before I start on my issues and my current life, I’m sorry that your layout is so gross. I actually hate it, but I also no longer have confidence in my ability to design decent websites. Which sucks because I am wrangled into making a website for my vet (if he ever gets me the information, etc.) Hopefully I can get into that mindset when the time comes. And maybe when that mindset comes I will try to make you look nice and pretty as you should. :) Moving on…

There is this boy that has been in my life for many years. I’m going to change the story a bit just for the purpose of anonymity for him, in case he doesn’t want his part in my life all over the internet. I’m going to call him… Sexy. We’ll go with that. (He is sexy, after all!) I have known Sexy for at least 5 years now. For the last few years while I was with Daniel I always had him in the back of my head. Regardless of whatever history or lack there of we have, I always had him in my head and always kinda wanted that chance with him that never came to full fruition. I don’t think I ever full out wanted to leave Daniel for him, but I always passive aggressively thought to myself, “I would love a chance with Sexy” Sexy and I haven’t had too much time in the last few years, so we haven’t consistently talked, but of course anytime we had time we were quite inseparable. It’s hard to tell this story without specifics because then everyone who has ever read my blog or has ever been a part of my life for any period of time will know exactly who I’m talking about. Regardless, for the last 2-3 weeks I’ve really been thinking on it. I kinda have this opportunity to try to be with Sexy, but I’m very scared about it. I’m scared about the distance and the history and all this other stuff. Maybe I’m also just starting to hide in my shell. People want me to hang out all the time, and because I’m so busy with school and work I always want to sit at home and game. Not having a boyfriend helps this lifestyle of sitting at home and gaming. It’s sad that I prefer that right now. But if I let myself fall for people, I might fuck up in school. Love, boys are distracting to me having a successful life on my own without a boy being involved. Don’t get me wrong, I want a man in my life… but I want to be able to support myself. I don’t want to be totally dependent.

Anyway, I’m definitely going on a tangent here. I’ve always wanted a chance with Sexy. I always have. I think we would be very happy together. But there are complications that scare me and make me not want to try it. But I want to meet him in person, but then won’t I fall in love with him? Shouldn’t I try to experience ‘IRL’ relationfails, I mean ships? I donno. But the reason it’s bugging me so much more now, is he won’t talk to me. I’ve tried to convince myself that he’s just busy as usual. But we had this huge fight the other day about League. I guess it wasn’t just about League, it’s just how he handles things with me and I see him as insensitive. Even when I explain what I meant after I blew up I guess it wasn’t enough. He actively doesn’t go on our messenger of choice and instead I can only say Hi to him via text or Steam. It drives me nuts because I think of him all day and hope I’ll get to talk to him, but then I don’t because he’s nonchalant, cold, etc. It might just be me imagining it, I don’t know. My experiences with Daniel and other people in between (rushed flings, I guess you could call them) have really… made me shut down. Not totally shut down, not in that sense. But I think relationshipwise I’m empty. I don’t feel any real… childish thrill over anyone. I used to always have that feeling either with sad boyfriend or someone I was just talking to that would make me happy. I don’t have that with anyone right now, and it’s kind of weird. The closest thing to it is Sexy. It’s hard to explain with him though. I’ve always had feelings for him, and now that i’m scared shitless it’s almost like some of those feelings are locked up. I have feelings for him, think of him all the time, want to talk to him all the time, he makes me smile, I make him smile, we say endearing things. All this stuff and I feel really scared to commit to him. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not ready for a relationship yet since Daniel, or if it’s because… blah I don’t know. It’s really hard and confusing because I do have feelings for him, do want to be with him, and then my logic goes, ‘Look at all these things.’ My logic never lets me live life.

I am in my first semester towards going to University of Maryland’s Smith school of Business. It’s a lot of work and is pretty difficult. I think it’ll get considerably easier after the Calculus this semester. I think most of my energy that I don’t want depleted goes into that. By that I mean… I’d rather spend that 3 hours messing up my Balance Sheet for Accounting than I would teaching myself math that half the time I don’t fully understand. I am currently taking 5 classes while working roughly 30 hours a week. I am taking The Human Body, Applied Calculus for business/science majors, Accounting 1, Micro Economics, Statistics for Business. I got lucky with the professor I chose for Stat because his class is easy and easy to understand. Accounting is accounting but I have a great professor. I hate my economics class for a variety of reasons, the human body is online (flip through a textbook, answer quiz questions, carry on), Applied calculus is also online (it’s a lot of work).

Onto the next boy issue. Or upcoming issue, impending issue, etc. I have an acquaintance. Let’s call this acquaintance… Neko. I dunno why I wanna call him Neko, but whatever. I met Neko kinda recently and the first time we hung out I realize he’s cool and everything, and we talk via text kinda often I guess, and I just get the impression he’s into me. I’m not going into details, again for anonymity purposes. Not that Neko would ever read this or even find this, but whatever. Anyway, I think Neko is into me but I dunno if I really want a relationship at all right now, and honestly I think if I got into any relationship IRL I would just wonder why I’m not with Sexy, which is another issue going back to the Sexy problems. xD! So maybe I should just call it a day and be with Sexy? <3! I dunno. But Neko is very sweet and everything, but there night be a few things that make me go e.e; about him. I am so overcritical of people it is ridiculous. I have to plan everything and it makes it so I don't actually experience anything or live my life. It kinda sucks. Anyway, so I might be hanging out with Neko more often, but I'm not sure about that because of my school and work. I'm wondering how comfortable I will feel with seeing him more often. If he's into me and I don't want a relationship I dunno how to communicate that without being hurtful. Blargh. Well, I'm off to have a break from thinking about my Sexy woes and try to distract myself from that with Calculus homework~~~!!!!

JavaScript is Adolf Hitler Reincarnate!

So, a few things. I have decided that it can’t be exciting to read a title with a number. Who fucking cares what post count I have? No one cares, and it doesn’t make my e-peen better. I assume it’ll make for a better reading experience to actually know what you’re about to read.

So, as my title implies. My new nemesis is JAVASCRIPT. :) My JavaScript is my new sources of tears, frustration, and hours of coding that gets me no where. I don’t think it would be so bad, if I was taking it with the guy who USED to teach it. But alas, I am not. :s The new guy is just that, A FUCKING NEW GUY. Let me tell you something. New professors in college are not shiney and new and exciting. They don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, and they’re illprepared. Maybe I’m generalizing too much from my ONE experience with ONE person. Yes, I am, because my professor in Geology last semester it was his first semester and he was AMAZING. So, yeah, maybe this guy is just a DOUCHE. Basically, anyone with experience with any kind of programming that I have talked to, have said it’s insane that we’re doing stuff so advanced already. It’s lunacy. I’ve already worked around… 5 hours on this thing? Maybe more. I haven’t been able to work at it ALL at once like I did on the last assignment, which took me 10 hours. Haha. :3! Speaking of, here they is, assignments 1 and 2 At least I was proud of myself after I got it done. And this only made me cry once. The second assignment has made me cry multiple times.

It’s very stupid. We have to make a search function. And actually, from having done this assignment and having done the research for it… It’s really easy to make what he wants to happen… happen. Just not the way he wants to happen. He wants us to use a recursive function. If you know nothing about programming, let me just tell you. Recursive functions are one of those things that are rarely if EVER used in programming at all. It’s like you learn it because it’s part of the curriculum, not because you will use it terribly much in your career as a programmer. A recursive function is essentially a function that calls itself. It repeatedly goes through data until it gets to the stopping point that you set.

Anyway, so I’ve tried this thing multiple times and I’ve sent my professor e-mails and he doesn’t check them every 5 seconds like all other professors… so it’s really not helpful when I’m stuck on something. Maybe I expect too much, I don’t know. But it’s pretty ridiculous. :( He mentions things we should be using AFTER I’ve already been working on it for hours. That’s like saying, “Oh, good job, you’ve turned this 10 page paper in, but I forgot to mention that it’s supposed to be a Toulmin’s Analysis.” (ie., fucking start over again, bitch)

Anyway. Going out to brunch.

#: 319

So with the help of Mike I finally got the positioning of this damn thing the way it’s supposed to go. Looks pretty nice, but it’s nothing I envisioned or anything. The cool ideas I had were based off copyrighted content that I couldn’t put in my portfolio, so I didn’t want to. :( I also have to make my friend Daniel’s website for a wonderful company he’s starting. It’s called Eternal Roots. Whenever someone buys a shirt, a tree will be planted. Eventually he’ll have different designs printed on the shirts and you will be able to support different species of trees! I’ll definitely post it here once I get it live. <3

Wooo new layout. Emmie had been waiting. <3

#: 240

My problem with WordPress is this. I have all these ideas for my own blog, and then it ends up just easier to adapt my graphics to someone else’s theme. I wish at some point I could completely start from scratch and do my own layout. I’m not full of knowledge on coding like the people who make these themes, so it would take me a considerable amount of time figuring out wordpress’ code to the point where I’m not copy and pasting someone else’s stuff, or just using someone else’s theme while adapting it to my own use.

However, until that point I guess I’m using other peoples’ stuff. I’m tired, so I wanna go to sleep, but I think I might change the colors of the links and stuff like that, tomorrow. I wanted more white than gray in this layout, so I’ll have to change that too. I also don’t have content for all the links and stuff at the top.

My tv just kinda stays on after I watch shows that I was watching. And I must say. I think one day I will be a victim to infomercials. I want to buy the Cricut Express, and the Total Gym, just from the past two infomercials. I think I’ll go to sleep so¬† I don’t want more of this stuff. These guys are awesome salesmen. :)

#: 009

Well, it’s been forever, hasn’t it? Yeah, I’d say.

I’ve been working on a layout for this for the past few months. I first came up with a pretty cool red/white/black deal with Hiyori from Bleach. After that I didn’t really bother with it for a while.

Recently, though, I’ve been meaning to do it, and then I abruptly became single, and had nothing to vent to. Soooo naturally, I started working on layouts. I came up with 2 last week, and I thought of using my Hiyori one, but didn’t… my friend Mer suggested me do something with origami… at first I didn’t know how I would do that, so I was kinda like ‘eh…’ so I made a star field, with photoshop. I actually really liked the layout I did with that, although it was kinda emo, cause the text was ‘A lonely star among many…’, but ‘Piece me back together’ is emo too. I’m an emo kid. It’s all win :)!

This layout is actually really growing on me it’s super cute. And now that I got CuteNews all in order, I’ll probably write in it more; previously, I was using just HTML to put entries in, and that was kinda :(! For the past hour or so, I spent my time putting my old entries from emevas into CuteNews. It’s actually kinda awesome that I could put the old date and times on them.

Anyway, I’m going to put some more content on.. and actually make this my index.