Category Archives: Nostalgia

I miss Mike.

I wish I could get him out of my fucking head. He hasn’t talked to me in almost a month and a half. Some how this time it feels much longer. I’m surprised it’s not longer. I guess it feels longer because I somehow in my heart think he’s not coming back this time. I think the last time I’ll ever have spoke to him was an argument about something I found silly. But whatever, I guess I should know better, right? He’s done this to me so many times since I’ve known him. I’ve called it his ‘disappearing’ trick. there was one time where he didn’t talk to me for a year. A year, even when me e-mailing things like: ‘Hey, how are you? I hope everything is okay, I hope you’re not working yourself to death’ every few weeks. He was deleting my e-mails. How awesome is that?

The reasons why I think he’s never going to come back is because the last time we talked was an argument, so it’s not even just that he’s busy with work and can’t make time to say hi, even though that may help him avoid me. And, I had told him I would give us a second shot if he could decide that he could make time in his life for me. His parents own a business and he gets that business when they give it to him. If he has an international girlfriend, it’ll be difficult to run the business. My theory is that he’s decided ‘I’m not going to do this’ but instead of telling me he’s avoiding me. He’s not just avoiding me, he also is busy with work.

I wish I could get him out of my head. I wish I could stop thinking how he could fix my tears when I have a bad day. I wish I could stop thinking we were so happy, I wish I could have it again. If he’s done with me, I wish I could be done with him.

School, boys, etc.

Hey Emmie,
Last few nights I’ve found myself laying in bed wishing I had someone to confide in, but looking through my phone I couldn’t find anyone that wouldn’t have bias… or just I knew what they would say in response. I knew what their advice would be, and I don’t want to hear it and it wouldn’t be helpful at all. So I’m going to pretend that writing here will help even though you won’t respond at all. I’m going to pretend that ‘getting it out’ helps this problem.

Before I start on my issues and my current life, I’m sorry that your layout is so gross. I actually hate it, but I also no longer have confidence in my ability to design decent websites. Which sucks because I am wrangled into making a website for my vet (if he ever gets me the information, etc.) Hopefully I can get into that mindset when the time comes. And maybe when that mindset comes I will try to make you look nice and pretty as you should. :) Moving on…

There is this boy that has been in my life for many years. I’m going to change the story a bit just for the purpose of anonymity for him, in case he doesn’t want his part in my life all over the internet. I’m going to call him… Sexy. We’ll go with that. (He is sexy, after all!) I have known Sexy for at least 5 years now. For the last few years while I was with Daniel I always had him in the back of my head. Regardless of whatever history or lack there of we have, I always had him in my head and always kinda wanted that chance with him that never came to full fruition. I don’t think I ever full out wanted to leave Daniel for him, but I always passive aggressively thought to myself, “I would love a chance with Sexy” Sexy and I haven’t had too much time in the last few years, so we haven’t consistently talked, but of course anytime we had time we were quite inseparable. It’s hard to tell this story without specifics because then everyone who has ever read my blog or has ever been a part of my life for any period of time will know exactly who I’m talking about. Regardless, for the last 2-3 weeks I’ve really been thinking on it. I kinda have this opportunity to try to be with Sexy, but I’m very scared about it. I’m scared about the distance and the history and all this other stuff. Maybe I’m also just starting to hide in my shell. People want me to hang out all the time, and because I’m so busy with school and work I always want to sit at home and game. Not having a boyfriend helps this lifestyle of sitting at home and gaming. It’s sad that I prefer that right now. But if I let myself fall for people, I might fuck up in school. Love, boys are distracting to me having a successful life on my own without a boy being involved. Don’t get me wrong, I want a man in my life… but I want to be able to support myself. I don’t want to be totally dependent.

Anyway, I’m definitely going on a tangent here. I’ve always wanted a chance with Sexy. I always have. I think we would be very happy together. But there are complications that scare me and make me not want to try it. But I want to meet him in person, but then won’t I fall in love with him? Shouldn’t I try to experience ‘IRL’ relationfails, I mean ships? I donno. But the reason it’s bugging me so much more now, is he won’t talk to me. I’ve tried to convince myself that he’s just busy as usual. But we had this huge fight the other day about League. I guess it wasn’t just about League, it’s just how he handles things with me and I see him as insensitive. Even when I explain what I meant after I blew up I guess it wasn’t enough. He actively doesn’t go on our messenger of choice and instead I can only say Hi to him via text or Steam. It drives me nuts because I think of him all day and hope I’ll get to talk to him, but then I don’t because he’s nonchalant, cold, etc. It might just be me imagining it, I don’t know. My experiences with Daniel and other people in between (rushed flings, I guess you could call them) have really… made me shut down. Not totally shut down, not in that sense. But I think relationshipwise I’m empty. I don’t feel any real… childish thrill over anyone. I used to always have that feeling either with sad boyfriend or someone I was just talking to that would make me happy. I don’t have that with anyone right now, and it’s kind of weird. The closest thing to it is Sexy. It’s hard to explain with him though. I’ve always had feelings for him, and now that i’m scared shitless it’s almost like some of those feelings are locked up. I have feelings for him, think of him all the time, want to talk to him all the time, he makes me smile, I make him smile, we say endearing things. All this stuff and I feel really scared to commit to him. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not ready for a relationship yet since Daniel, or if it’s because… blah I don’t know. It’s really hard and confusing because I do have feelings for him, do want to be with him, and then my logic goes, ‘Look at all these things.’ My logic never lets me live life.

I am in my first semester towards going to University of Maryland’s Smith school of Business. It’s a lot of work and is pretty difficult. I think it’ll get considerably easier after the Calculus this semester. I think most of my energy that I don’t want depleted goes into that. By that I mean… I’d rather spend that 3 hours messing up my Balance Sheet for Accounting than I would teaching myself math that half the time I don’t fully understand. I am currently taking 5 classes while working roughly 30 hours a week. I am taking The Human Body, Applied Calculus for business/science majors, Accounting 1, Micro Economics, Statistics for Business. I got lucky with the professor I chose for Stat because his class is easy and easy to understand. Accounting is accounting but I have a great professor. I hate my economics class for a variety of reasons, the human body is online (flip through a textbook, answer quiz questions, carry on), Applied calculus is also online (it’s a lot of work).

Onto the next boy issue. Or upcoming issue, impending issue, etc. I have an acquaintance. Let’s call this acquaintance… Neko. I dunno why I wanna call him Neko, but whatever. I met Neko kinda recently and the first time we hung out I realize he’s cool and everything, and we talk via text kinda often I guess, and I just get the impression he’s into me. I’m not going into details, again for anonymity purposes. Not that Neko would ever read this or even find this, but whatever. Anyway, I think Neko is into me but I dunno if I really want a relationship at all right now, and honestly I think if I got into any relationship IRL I would just wonder why I’m not with Sexy, which is another issue going back to the Sexy problems. xD! So maybe I should just call it a day and be with Sexy? <3! I dunno. But Neko is very sweet and everything, but there night be a few things that make me go e.e; about him. I am so overcritical of people it is ridiculous. I have to plan everything and it makes it so I don't actually experience anything or live my life. It kinda sucks. Anyway, so I might be hanging out with Neko more often, but I'm not sure about that because of my school and work. I'm wondering how comfortable I will feel with seeing him more often. If he's into me and I don't want a relationship I dunno how to communicate that without being hurtful. Blargh. Well, I'm off to have a break from thinking about my Sexy woes and try to distract myself from that with Calculus homework~~~!!!!

#: 321

Hey again :o!

I guess I have time to write so close together? And I have stuff on my mind! Pretty cool. So basically… Facebook is pretty shitty for our society. Actually… I think the development of a lot of the technologies we have have done just as much harm to us as they have to make our lives better. But anyway… It’s so weird to just be able to stalk people. Like how often do ACTUAL stalkers do that? I know there are some people that are really silly and put their addresses on there. And there are young kids who are on there… what if they put their phone numbers on there and some pedophile tracks them down and kidnaps them? Maybe I’m being dramatic… probably, actually… but it’s so concerning to me how you can just look at pictures of peoples’ lives that you don’t talk to anymore.

I guess it would be the same as looking through a personal photo album and reminiscing… and maybe if you actually had them on your friends list you wouldn’t talk to them anyway. I guess that’s the case in most cases! For instance… I actually don’t even know how I got on it. I think I saw one of my friends be friends with an ex-best friend’s brother. And it was like ‘omg I’m gonna add him!’ But beyond the ‘Heyyyy how have you been?! It’s been forever!’ I don’t know how much I’d talk to him. I’m not even friends with his sister anymore, and she wants NOTHING to do with me, so I guess it’s weird that I wanna see how he is. I kinda wish I could talk to her and everything. I dunno if any of you remember my friend Meagan from HS. But yeah. I’ve tried adding her on Facebook several times, and even sent her apologetic messages. I guess some people just don’t ever forgive and forget. I don’t even remember what I’ve said or done for her to ignore me 5 years later. I’m not in tears or anything. Just she’s one of those people I’d like to sincerely be like… ‘Hey, what’s up, how have you been?’ Instead of just hearing about her from people we were both friends with in school. But it is what it is. I even thought about adding her mom, but I have no idea how her mom feels about me. Since I disappeared from her life rather quickly in comparison to all of her other friends, I’d assume she gets the picture. No point in saying hello to the mom of a best friend I used to have.

Haha. I seriously remember a conversation with her dad in their kitchen… about blow jobs. It was hysterical.

Also I’m so curious and nosy. I wish I knew what her parents’ reaction was to her getting married. Especially since she’s the babygirl, pride and joy… and I think no one knew about the relationship for months, years, whatever? And he’s 2x his age? I dunno. Like I said… I guess it’s not my place. But a nosy girl’s gotta wonder! The difference between me wondering and everyone else… I’ll actually write about my wonders in my blog.

P.S. Good luck, Meagan. I wish you the best. You were absolutely beautiful in your dress. Your qtpie anime art from your guest book is simply adorable. Post more so I can stalk it. kthxbai.

#: 296

So yeah. Again, I kinda hate facebook. It like… encourages peeking into the lives of people that you should have nothing to do with. Really. For instance, the way it is now, feed is shown on your… feed that shows random stuff. Like I can see conversations between to people, I see albums of people that are tagged and I don’t know the person who made the album. Shit like that. So when I was in middle school, I was really popular. Everyone knew me, I knew everyone. in 7th grade I got into the little ‘skating’ clique. My friends and I all had expensive skateboards, we’d skip school on Fridays, they’d take bong hits (of course I didn’t, you fools), etc. It was ‘the life’. Well anyway, the reason this is relevant is because in that span of time I knew three brothers. Sheldon, Rob, and Chris. Rob and Chris are twins, and were older than us. Sheldon was my year.  Anyway. I don’t remember how close I was with the twins, but I know I had a conversation or a few with them.  One of them got married recently, because for whatever reason, the feed of pictures from the wedding were on my facebook.

Point being, I look at those pictures and realize they’re all friends from high school. I mean, not friends of mine, but that’s how they know each other. And they’re all at a wedding, 5+ years later. It made me think, ‘well, I know I’m old when I start getting invitations to weddings’. I actually had that thought for much longer than I should’ve, because then I realized, ‘How are you going to get invited to weddings when you don’t have friends to get married and invite you?’

Point made.

#: 280

OMFG DUDE. I’M SO EXCITED! MIKE IS ALIVE! I don’t know how WELL he is, becasue his response was a total tease. I WANT A FRIGGIN’ COVERSATION, FAG. But anyway, I’m still excited that I even got a response… since he hasn’t acknowledged my existence in a long time.

#: 249

So this was a historic snow storm. But… I haven’t got to play in it. :\ However, it was refreshing to have a few days off of work, because the few days I’ll get off of work for Christmas, I’d REALLY like to get my room done. I’m one of those people that likes working in spurts. I like to have the option to pretty much work straight through days. Wake up at 10 or something, clean until 8 or something, and then clean the next day. I’d love to have that work ethic to get it done. I hope WoW doesn’t get in the way of it. So this old school friend of mine (The guy who got me into RO, essentially), we’ve been talking again lately and it’s been pretty awesome. Some people from my past you just have missed so much and changed so much, and hold on to things, that it never quite clicks again. But for him and I it’s just like old times. But I think I kind of talked him into RO, when I don’t really want to play. I think it would be awesome to play with him, of course, but I don’t want the drama of RO, I don’t want to dedicate the time to it. When you play seriously in the game, it really eats up time. Time that I don’t have.

Today was one of those days where I was at work all day and I came home and just wanted to go to sleep. I hate days like that, because some time during the day I really wanted to level my Druid… so much for that desire. Sleep is so demanding right now. Heavy eyelids and all!


#: 246


Better day today. I had a slow start to my morning (getting out of bed an hour and a half after I had planned to!) Daniel and I kinda talked about how my life sucks for a bit, it was a frustrating conversation where he suggested lots of fixes to all of my unhappiness, and all of the suggestions were not do-able, and it got frustrating to have him make suggestions and them not work, and him trying to force fixes on me for my shitty life. I guess it’s just frustrating when the guy you love, who ‘in theory’ is supposed to be your protector, and fixes everything, can’t do much to help you. It’s not just frustrating for me, it’s frustrating for him as well, I think. I dunno. My old way of thinking was really to worry about if my boyfriend cared about me, because I wasn’t worth it. Now I feel like if I said that kinda thing he’d get pissed at me. @_@ But I guess I hope I’m not assuming that he is frustrated in that way.

My day was lightened by sexual jokes and/or teasing from and to Daniel, and also by an old friend; Nick. I think in the beginning of us talking it may have felt a little weird because it’s been so long. I guess usually time doesn’t bother me and I can just talk to people… but I had a falling out with lots of people involved with RAWR, and he was just a casualty of that falling out. But after the awkwardness, it really just felt like old friends connecting again. I also found out that WoW was having a winter event which made me excited. I love Christmasy spirit. It’s so great. That excitement made me play a lot tonight, didn’t do any RO whoring (except for talk to Zack, and Griz).

It’s always nice to talk to people I really considered friends from RO. Friends I’ve had in RO… I just can’t explain the relationship you get with those people. Maybe that’s why Daniel seems to be such a keeper as far as boyfriends go.

I think I’ll say good night now.


#: 245

Hi Emmie,

I miss ya, girlie. I just haven’t had the time to write to you in a positive way. My life is kinda a shambles right now. It’s hard to shine light on positive things. You shine light through a magnifying glass and then you have a blaze.

Well anyway, tonight’s topic is about Rangarok Online and World of Warcraft, but more importantly, about stuff going on in my head. It’s really hard for me to level in WoW now. I find that I lack motivation a lot, and I end up just forum whoring on RO-related forums. Not even cause I want to play, just because I yearn for that social interaction I get on RO. I wish I could have that in WoW too. I think I’d really love the game, if it had the social aspect that RO does. I don’t know, I just wish I understood. I feel guilty, like I’m cheating on Daniel or something, when I want to hang out with old RO buddies, and I want to forum whore, and I want to slave people (even though I don’t even want to play). When I sit down and I think about playing RO, I think it’s like… I dunno. I guess it’s not even a conscious battle. I don’t type here saying I don’t want to play, when inside I really do. I sincerely am active in noticing all the shitty things I’d have in my life if I played RO. The sleepless nights, the stress over the smallest things, the drama. I think I’ve figured it out, from typing here. I think RO is the one place I always felt like I fit in. Even when I was really popular, I’m not sure if I really felt at home with my friends. I didn’t smoke weed, and they did. And now, how do I fit in? My friends are in college and living the college life. Even if I was a good student, a good person, and could get through college, I wouldn’t be living ‘the college life’. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs. There are people who don’t do these things, too, but it’s hard to find them my age. And then there’s the next best thing, where people don’t drink much. But they still drink, so I don’t relate to them entirely. Making myself ‘cool’ with my boyfriend drinking socially was a HUGE, MONUMENTAL feat for me.

In RO I felt like I always fit in. I always had someone to talk to. I guess I hate being an attention whore sometimes, but sometimes I like it, and I could get that there. Easily. Sometimes it’s a really nice thing to be ‘known’. And in a game where millions of people play (WoW), how can I ever be known? Especially when I SUCK? I suck at WoW. I really do. Maybe I’ll be better at 80, when Daniel can yell at me when I mess up (I think I learn best this way, it’s how I learned RO). But at the same time, I don’t know how it will go. Daniel has this grand vision of all 4 of us playing together (Daniel, Daniel, Luk, and I)… the flaw in his vision is that their first language is Portuguese and mine is English. Even last night when we were all in party, I made a few sexual comments, Daniel told me to stop, and then I just had to shut up. What else can I talk about? Sexual jokes is something everyone can relate to or find funny (even if you haven’t had sex). So then they reverted back to just speaking Portuguese, and I was the odd man out. But then again, when we’re all speaking English, the other Daniel must feel the way I do, since he doesn’t speak English well enough to be part of the conversation. So really the situation just sucks, and it’s hard to have motivation to get to 80. Also, the leveling at 71 feels slower than it did at 98 on ParadiseRO (4x Rates).

I’ve lurked around different forums and found that there are a lot of old school people playing on Eternity. It makes me want to be a part of it. Notice how I didn’t say play. I don’t want to play. I want that feeling of being remembered. “Ooooh! Lyx! Suuupp! I remember you from x!” I want the feeling of belonging, of friendship, of connection, of a past. That’s one of the problems with playing games. The friends you get in games… damn they’re cool, close friends. But when you stop playing that game, your connection is severed until you play again. It’s not that while you’re in game, you’re only talking about the game. It’s just that playing the game facilitates the social interaction that I yearn for.

Maybe I want to be involved with RO just because I want something trivial to stress about, something less serious than my job, and my life sucking. I don’t know. I wish I knew what draws me away from WoW and towards the community of RO. I wish I could reverse it so I could spend time with Daniel… but in the end I guess it wouldn’t be time with Daniel, it would be time to watch Portuguese words fly by without any meaning.

Gone to sleep to late again~



I wish we could just play IRL.


#: 241

So, I think I actually have motivation to clean today. I ate Cheerios straight from the box this morning, and I think it’s made it so I have energy. <3 cheerios!

Last night Den, a guy from Eternity was telling me that people in Rejects want Daniel and I to come play for them. Daniel and I barely even have time to talk anymore. The way our work schedules work, and the time zone situation, it’s really hard on us. Anyway, so I took a look at their forums and it just kind of wows me everytime I peak into that lifestyle. To me, RO is a different ‘lifestyle’ than WoW is. For whatever reason I’m not the chatter box in WoW that I am in RO. I guess it’s a different environment? You don’t really have time to talk? I don’t know. I also feel so noob and uncomfortable about talking that I don’t. In RO I don’t shut up, but maybe sometimes it creates drama, which is part of the reason why it’s a different lifestyle. In WoW I don’t have friends besides Daniel and his friends. In RO, I can make friends easily.

Anyhow, I need to go do something for my mom, then I really gotta get off my butt and clean, man! I’ve wasted so much time already.

Comments on the new theme?

#: 231

Today I finished probably the most influencial book I’ve ever read in my life, next to Harry Potter. Now before you think I’m a huge idiot for saying Harry Potter is influencial, the reason why it’s influencial is because before I read HP, I hated reading. Ever since I was 12, and in 6th grade, and picked up that first book… I’ve loved reading ever since. Well, anyway, this book was amazingly inspiring. I only wish it was fiction. I wish it was just really tasteless fiction. I can’t imagine why someone would write a fiction book like that, unless they did it with the sole purpose of the proceeds going to the foundation, but if you took the time to make a fiction, you wouldn’t be that type of person. Anyway. The book is called Notes Left Behind by Keith and Brooke Desserich. Their 5 year old daughter was diagnosed with a ‘brain stem glioma’. When I read something that is interesting to me, I get really curious, and generally I don’t stop finding facts about it until I feel like I have answered as many questions as I had swimming around in my ever-ticking-head. For instance two weeks ago or so, I logged on MSN; per usual, and there was a blurb on MSN today. I clicked it, read the article, and watched the movie. The story was so touching to me. I quickly looked into it as much as I could, I bought the book, and read half of it in a day, and took a break from it for a few days, because the tears were overwhelming… and the psychological effect it had on me was too demanding to read at once. So today I finished it. And again, I came to my curiousity. I have so many questions, that will never be answered. But so do Elena’s parents. So do all of the parents of children who have any terminal illness, so do any of the family members of any family member with terminal illness. So again, I went into research mode. I went to Keith and Brooke’s cancer foundation The Cure Starts Now. I proptly read about each of the children that were/are suffering from the same disease Elena suffered from. I sincerely considered getting the credit card for the cause, and then realized I have trouble trying to use the two credit cards I have each month. Getting a credit card and not using it is not in my best interest. There are certain things in life that just are so interesting to me that I get really involved in learning about it for a period of time. I had a brief, (not realistic) imagination of myself being a doctor working with children while reading this book.

I feel like I will always think about Elena now, which is really quite amazing to me. I didn’t know this girl, I didn’t, and don’t know her family. Yet she has been in my daily thoughts since I ‘met’ her. For some reason I feel a connection with her. If she was in one of my gymnastics classes she would’ve been one of those children who I would look forward to seeing every week. I would’ve hugged and squeezed her when she made me proud by trying things she didn’t want to. Everytime there is a girl in the gym with the phoentic name of ‘Elena’, I immediately think of Elena Desserich and her family.

Earlier tonight my dad asked me to get recycling out of my room, because tomorrow is collection day. On my second trip out with an arm full of bottles and cans, I looked up in the dark clear sky. I thought of Elena. I wondered about how I’m not religious, and how I don’t have an understanding of higher powers and spirits and souls, and what happens when you die, if something happens when you die. I think I am one of those people who always imagines a ‘heaven’. My parents loosely raised me catholic, and I think everyone wants to believe that we hang out in the sky when we’re gone from the earth. I then thought of Lottie. And I imagined writing an e-mail to Keith and Brooke Desserich. This is the e-mail I would write, if I knew how to get it to them, assuming that they would have time to read it.

Dear Keith and Brooke,
I am sure you have heard this many times over in the many months since you have shared your story with the world, online, and through your book. However, given the chance, it would be nice to share the impact you and your family has made on me. I feel like you are the type of people I would be friends with if I were old enough to have a family. I could see myself hanging out with you guys and talking about work, and the milestones of our children while at a birthday party or soccer game.

I don’t even know you. I never knew Elena. But at the same time I feel a connection with her. I don’t really know what my beliefs entail as far as what happens after we leave earth. I can’t explain what I feel, I just do.

I walked outside tonight and looked up into the autumn sky. It was really dark, despite there being street lights, and a light behind me. I looked up and wondered. I wonder if Elena was an angel. I wonder what she was doing. I just wondered about existance. I saw her playing with Lottie. Lottie was my dalmatian who helped me get through a rough childhood. My dad abused her, so she wasn’t allowed around people… But she was the best to me. She was my support system up until I was 20. I feel like Elena and Lottie would really mesh well together, and I hope they can play together. I just am not sure what life, and afterlife entails. But it’s what I thought, and what I saw when I looked at the sky and thought of Elena. I can easily see Lottie laying down while Elena does her reading, or art, or writing. But I could also see them being companions.

Thank you for sharing such a private experience with the world. I think it has impacted everyone who has heard of Elena. Whether it be a few simple tears, or your biggest donor to The Cure Starts Now.

Elena and Gracie are not the only heroes. So are all of you close to Elena, who helped her go through her life of lessons. Her family and her friends; you guys are heroes in your own right.

Here’s to Elena being able to play with Lottie,
Alyx Walker

Assuming I could actually get something to them, I doubt I would write something so rambling and blog-like. I’m tired and work my weekends straight through. My days are too long, and I am trying to squeeze every ounce of my intellectual ability out. I think I should stop attempting, and finally go to sleep. If I wake up at 9AM, I’ll get 9.5 hours of sleep. I don’t like sleeping too much, but hopefully I’ll be able to wake up.

Good night Elena, Lottie, and company.

Good night Daniel, and anyone who will read this in the future.

I love you.