It kinda sucks that I generally only write here if something bad is going on. Another thing that sucks is getting clinically depressed when this is one of my only days off.  I guess that’s kinda a load of bullshit though. I have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. But it seems to go by so quickly. I guess my life is so fucking meaningless that when I have to chance to do something I want to do, or something I should do… something I say earlier in the week, ‘Hey, I should do _____’… I don’t end up doing it when the free time comes.

I really feel like there is nothing positive in my life right now. If you sat there and had a conversation with me like… ‘But you have this…’ I’d ALWAYS find a negative argument for your positivity. I think the first warning sign of me being ‘clinically’ depressed is when I feel like sleeping. It’s a different kind of tired. It really is. When I’m tired because all week I’ve gotten less sleep than I need… it’s just a different feeling of tired. Someone once told me that there is tired, and there is drained. And drained is an emotional kind of tired, where tired is a physical kind of tired. And physical tired is the good one, and drained is the bad one. I think I slept for 9 hours last night. So there really should be no reason for needing a nap, however I took one. It’s not even that I sat here and thought… ‘I’m tired, I think I’ll take a nap.’ It’s that I felt an overwhelming rush of hopelessness, worthlessness, ‘there is nothing positive in my life’ and I just keel over. Quite literally that’s how it goes.

I had my facebook status as… ‘is stressed.’ And my eldest sister responds with, ‘what do YOU have to be stressed about?’ And it actually kinda reminded me of how I treated Kylin sometime ago when she was really stressed and cut herself. It kinda made me realize. It’s hard to sit there and explain to someone how things stress you out. When you’re stressed and have been stressed, and then little things happen that wouldn’t normally stress you do stress you, it’s hard to explain that… “The dog won’t leave me alone while I’m eating, so it’s making my blood pressure rise.” There are little things that happen that make other things cascade like an avalanche.

For instance, the other day I was waking up or going into the bathroom to change my clothes in the morning or something, so I was going to the bathroom and I stepped in a puddle of piss in the hallway [This is where Nessa pees because my brother did not train the dog, so she just pees in the hallway, which I always have to walk through because my room's only exit is through the hallway.] I’m not fully awake and I just stepped in a puddle of urine, and do you understand what kinda thoughts go through my head just from that one little incident? “I fucking hate this house. Corey is such a douche bag and I hate how irresponsible he is. Even more so, I hate how he pisses in the drain so we have to smell sewage. I FUCKING HATE THIS HOUSE, NO ONE SHOULD LIVE IN THIS FILTH.” and so on.

Let’s go through the list, shall we? I think it started a few weeks ago with me getting my brother to take me to campus so I could take my final math test. I had misplaced my ID card for school, so I couldn’t take the test. At the time I figured it was no big deal because the whole grade was based off homework, and 2 test grades. I had an A on the first test, and an A on the homework, so I figured at most it would drop my grade to a C, but no, I failed. Furthermore, I found the ID almost immediately after I got home from the bus.

I think the weekend after I took that test… or maybe it was the weekend before… I’m not sure, well anyway… a coworker of mine, and I had a screaming match at state competition where all the kids, and all the parents can see. And the reason for the argument was completely ridiculous and stupid. That was incredibly stressful, and the days to follow were also stressful. I matured up and wrote him a decently long e-mail explaining my concerns and begging that he would communicate with me. Did he?

No.

He completely ignored the e-mail, and when we were at work together he had the ‘I wish you didn’t exist.’ look on his face. He avoided me for a decent amount of time, and then when he knew we had to be in the car together for a decent amount of time at the next competition, he started being nice to me and making conversation.

All while this is happening I have the stress of school in the back of my mind, I have the stress of my future there too. I had no idea what I was in college for, and by the end of the semester I really don’t give a fuck. I stop caring enough to read the assignments, I stop doing the discussions… I just don’t care. At some point the two classes I failed, I had As in. When you have no goal in the future, it’s really hard to give a damn about the present. If I knew what I was in college for, and knew what this class did for me, I’m sure I wouldn’t stop caring so easily. But so far by the time it gets to the end of the semester, the classes I’ve picked are for a new major I’ve picked, and I no longer care about that major.

So on our way home from the competition, I remember that I was supposed to take the final for my other class. And I asked for extra time, but the grades were turned in. So that’s the story of how I gave myself two Fs instead of two As.

A week before the second final issue, my aunt killed herself. Suddenly I’m having really depressing thoughts all the time, even though I didn’t love her. For the week after she kills herself there’s lots of family things going on, and all of that. Then sometime in the middle of the week I get a call from my dad saying that my mom’s cousin died, and that the people taking care of my grandmother say that her death is imminent. My grandmother has alzheimer’s, so she doesn’t know any of us but… she’s still my grandmother.

The last REALLY good day I had was the day of the funeral. It was terribly sad when everyone was talking, the part where they do the prayers and everything. And then the priest dude asks if anyone wants to share a few words. I think this one guy who spoke, what he said will last with me forever. It was really touching, and it made me cry. He went up there and said something to this effect, “When you’re a teenager or you’re in your twenties and you’re dating… you get upset when someone refers to you as, ‘Dave and Katie’, you say… ‘No, no, no, man, it’s just Dave, not Dave and Katie’. But when you get older and you get married you’re then TOGETHER. It’s always been Bruce and Debbie [my aunt and uncle]… even though I’m 27, I can’t imagine what it would be like to be pulled apart. Not to say Bruce isn’t a great Redskins fan… but I would love to have my wife DRAGGING me to the game, but she’s from Brazil and football to her is black and white and round..’ He said something around there, probably in another order… and he mentioned his daughter, and stuff like that. And he was tearing up… and it was kinda a big dude, so it was really touching.

Why was the funeral the last good day I’ve had? I had a lot of quality time with my family. I haven’t had that in so long. My dad’s family is so dramatic at times, where something happens and they don’t talk to each other for months. I don’t think we’ve gotten together like that in many many years. They all got together [my uncles and dad] in Arizona some months ago, but all of us together having fun… it’s been a while. I don’t remember the last time I saw my cousins. If Debbie did nothing else for us, she brought us together.

Anyway, what else depresses you, Alyx? Lots of things. This house always depresses me. I feel like I shouldn’t have to live here. I even asked my uncle who just lost his wife if I could live with him whenever he was ready to not be staying at my other uncle’s house. This house shouldn’t not be lived by anyone, I don’t even know if animals should live here. There’s trash and clothes everywhere. There’s shit and gross stuff all over the walls everywhere. There are holes in the walls, my windows don’t actually have windows, just storm windows. The sink downstairs that pumps the water from the washing machine? Yeah, my older brother pisses in that, since he lives down stairs and is too lazy to go upstairs. The water is pumped from that sink goes through a hose up into our bathtub (and goes down the drain) [I don't know why this is this way, probably just another ghetto bullshit way that this house sucks], anyway so when the piss just kinda rots in that sink, when someone does laundry that putrid smell of sewage comes to the bathtub. Let me tell you something. I’ve been in a shower when that thing goes on, I’ve almost vomitted. And all those thoughts of depression and ‘WHY THE FUCK DO I LIVE LIKE THIS?’ come to me. My bed is so worn out that springs cut me, and my mattress sags in the middle. My floor is so covered in trash and clothes and whatever I can’t put a chair down, so I sit at my computer from my desk.

Whenever I get undepressed I plan to clean my room and redecorate to try to have a sanctuary amongst the filth. I have that really tired feeling again. My eyes sting and I feel like I’m going to pass out. A few disgusting things about this house that always get to me… it’s really a bad idea to walk around any part of the house without shoes on. You don’t know what you’ll step in, or on. I think I have strong ankles because of all the near-twists from just walking in my house. I also thoroughly… thoroughly hate the bathroom. All of the bathroom fucking sucks. Loathe it. We don’t have a sink in the kitchen for washing dishes, so we use the sink in the bathroom. It always smells gross, there’s not enough room to try to clean dishes… You can’t open the bathroom door all the way because there’s a huge pile of clothes and whatever behind the door. I HATE the towels. I have recently bought my own towels, and I keep them in my room. Because if you leave towels hanging on the shower door… it’s fucking gross. There’s stuff crusted to them, I guess people wipe off dishes on them, or maybe someone wipes their nose, their ass, I really don’t fucking know how any of that shit gets on the towels… but that shit is on there and I’m supposed to wipe my CLEAN body with it? FUCK THAT. What else about this house… just how everything is disgusting? It’s embarassing. Nothing stays clean. If I move out I don’t know how i’ll move with my furniture. Some how it’s all gross and has muck and dried dog slobber and whatever else on it.

There are just so many things in this house that… any normal person walking in here would throw up, or say, ‘What the fuck?’ or be in some state of disbelief… but if you’ve been here for any extended period of time… I’m a firm believer that you some how… turn stuff off. You turn those thought processes off so you can survive while you’re here. Kylin comes over sometimes, and since she normally lives ‘normally’, I’m sure she has to turn something off when she walks through the door. I’m sure there’s more I could say about the house… oh yeah. I’m not allowed to have friends over. And I guess I wouldn’t want to subject them to this. Oh that’s right, I don’t have friends. But how would you feel… if you’ve never had a friend over in your life? Not because you’ve never had friends… because I have, but because you just can’t. And you can’t really explain to them why they can’t come over. You have to make bullshit excuses.

I have so much more to talk about that stresses me out, that I feel like I won’t get it all down before I find something else to do.

Anyway, like I said earlier… always for the past few years my future has been a constant stressor in my life. I feel like I don’t have a future. I won’t get all those things in life I’ve kinda always dreamed of having… I don’t really see myself as a materialistic person… but having that house on the Potomac wasn’t about material… it was about family, and fun. The Audi TT I’ve wanted since as far back as I can remember is hard to argue that it’s not material. But I don’t have to have it, it’s just something I’ve always wanted if I could ever afford it. Wanting to be able to spoil my husband and children… I really don’ see that as a materialistic motive. I wouldn’t try to buy them… I just love giving people gifts. I know my affection makes people happy, but so do gifts and wealth. I’d like my children to not have the same stresses I do. I wish they could experience ‘college life’ if they wanted to. I wish they don’t have to worry about money as much as I do. I really feel like my life is meaningless. I work two jobs that I don’t love, that I really don’t think will get me anywhere in life.

Furthermore, lately I really think about the fact that I don’t think I’ll be able to have kids when I want to, the way I want to. I should be on my own already, not mooching off my parents. I should have independence, my own apartment. I live pay check to pay check, I waste money on shit I don’t need. I’m only saving money towards Daniel and I, I’m not saving to own a house or anything like I should be doing. I should be saving for a down payment on a home. I don’t want to start having kids too late so they turn out retarded. If they were messed up, I’d love them just as much, but I’d like my child to get a great life where they aren’t signled out. By the way this is going I won’t be able to support myself or children until I’m 40. I can’t handle just marrying for money and doing nothing to contribute. That’d be such a depressing existance.
New Stress :] :

Daniel says:
*I hate these kids shouting.
*Shut the fuck up motherfuckers.
*WHO KILLED ME?!?!??!!
*FAGGOT?!!!!
*OMG WHO DID THAT!!!
*I’m getting stressed.
*I’m starting to shake.
Lyxie says:
*Nothing I can do.
Daniel says:
*Yeah, you can’t help.
*Bye.
Lyxie says:
*Bye.

This is a conversation I just had with Daniel, obviously this helps me out a ton. But honestly… that’s just how it goes with me. When I’m depressed, I push people away as much as possible. I do that because I don’t want to explode on them and say things I don’t want to say. But when I think of this logically, there’s nothing I could say or do in that situation to help him out. Absolutely nothing. Nothing that is in my power. If I went over to his job and said I had an emergency and he had to come with me, yeah, that would help him. There’s nothing I can say or do over the internet to help him more than half of the time something is wrong. He rarely has something he needs my help with, but if I tried giving him textual affection, he’d ignore it or tell me not to bother because it doesn’t do shit. If I told him to calm down he’d yell at me and tell me how he can’t because those kids won’t shut the fuck up. Anything I can think of that I would’ve done to try to help him, wouldn’t have helped him. It sucks to tell the truth sometimes, it gets thrown in your face.

I guess that brings me to my next topic. My relationship generally isn’t a stress to me. But the fact that I’m going to Brazil is stressful when I think of it. It’s very stressful that I haven’t gotten my shit together and gone to the embassy and got my Visa. So I guess there’s a real chance that I won’t even get to go there even though I’ve bought the plane tickets. I’m worried about the trip, and I worry about some how fucking up and getting lost in a country where I don’t fluently speak the language. I also have to worry about the fact that I’m very fat to everyone who lives in that country. I have the stress of having to lose weight before I go there when it’s just hard for me to try to get myself on any sort of routine where I do the same thing this often. Sometimes the fact that I’m fat and unattractive to my boyfriend and the people in his country really worries me and stresses me because I don’t know if he’ll have me when I’ll get there. And it sucks that there’s any part of me that thinks that it might be a relief if that happens. If he broke up with me part of me feels like ‘Okay well now I don’t have to worry about how we’ll be together permanently because of our countries.’ I shouldn’t think like that at all, but I do. And because I do I feel stressed and guilty.

The other thing that’s stressing is that I have guys ‘after me’. And that’s always stressful for me… even if I’m single. I feel bad that they want me and I’m unavailable… I feel bad and wonder if I said things that were out of line. I feel bad because my personality is just… perverted and guys take that the wrong way. If I was a guy it wouldn’t matter, but since I’m not it does. Anytime it happens I feel worried about being tempted, I feel worried that if I get stressed over my relationship that I’ll fuck up, and I know it’d be a fuck up. So I over think everything when people want me…. and it’s just stressing. It’s like a test from fate to see how good my will and determination is.

I think I want to go back to sleep now…
Alyx

Edit: I went to lay down into a depression stupor and I remembered some things that I forgot to write here. It’s very stressing that I started planning a family thing like 3 weeks ago, and everyone’s dropping out, and everything’s getting fucked up. We were supposed to go down to my uncle’s to go crabbing. My sister and her husband ditched last week, then we went down to see my aunt the other day and she hasn’t even asked her husband yet and she was was one of the first people to know about it…. really irritates me. My uncle says he’s buying me a lens, and it makes me stresseed and nervous because I don’t like when people get me things. It just feels like a waste of money. My geckos haven’t had food in a while and I keep forgetting to get them stuff. It makes me feel so guilty. I have so much to be stressed about and I don’t know what to do besides sleep. I’m the kind of depressed that anything that makes me get out of the house is a burden to me. We have to goto my uncle’s house to hang out tonight and before I was excited. Now I’m not, I don’t want to go. I just want to stay home. My sister needs me to babysit tomorrow. What a pain in the ass. I don’t want to go. My brother wanted me to go see a movie with him, a movie I want to see… but I didn’t want to go. there’s more I could bitch about… oh like my dad yelling. hurts my ears. I wish I could get out of here. bye.