Category Archives: School


So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:

Bruise from blood being drawn:

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx


So now I understand why League of Legends is an addiction for me. I use League of Legends as a mindless activity I do. While I’m playing it I really don’t think about my surroundings, my life. I don’t think about the things that bother me on a day to day basis. I don’t think about how much I hate my life when I play League of Legends. Sometimes I play too long at a time and I get into a bad mood from a bad game, or from a series of bad games… and then it’s like my protection failed so I have even more to be upset about.

Then I start thinking about how LITERALLY my life is League of Legends. Every waking moment of my free time in the last 2-3 weeks I have only played League. I haven’t even spent time on school work at home because I’ll play League instead. I have no motivation for anything I need to get done. Things I really need to do, absolutely need to do I avoid doing because of League. I haven’t cleaned my gecko’s tank even though I’ve been needing to do it for 3 weeks. I then get upset when geckos die because I don’t prioritize them the way they should be prioritized. Wow, I am a sick human being. But not just for that reason I guess.

If you knew what this house looked like. If you knew the state of disrepair I have lived in my whole life… maybe some of my issues could be explained that way. I have never lived in a normal home and I have never had a friend over — IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. My room gets worse as the days go by. It was normal at some point in time for some period of time, but I have no idea when that will ever happen again. My dresser is broken so I have nowhere to put clothes, so they’re on the floor. Mingled with trash, etc. Oh that’s not considering how the dogs make the house disgusting too. There are so many just absolutely disgusting things about this house that if a normal person came in here without psychological barriers they would be scarred for life, and I’ve lived here my entire life. It actually could probably be featured on one of those tv shows.

But anyway, I digress. I hate my life. I have no motivation to fix it, and that’s where League of Legends comes in. I play League of Legends to run away from my problems, to not have to face my demons. Talking to people doesn’t help because… well the only thing that will make me better is to take steps towards being happy about my life, and I don’t do that because all I do as soon as I get near my computer is play League. Whilst obligation after obligation stacks up or comes and goes.

And of course someone close to me hasn’t talked to me in a while which bothers me, but I don’t need to get into that. Need to just not think about it and leave it as it is.

yay life. yay adult hood.

If you died tomorrow would you be happy about the state of your life today? I wouldn’t.


Hey Emmie,
I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. In theory that’s a really good analogy. Here’s why… I’ve never choked to death. Every time I’ve ever bitten off more than I can chew, I just chew and chew and chew. Usually I don’t even need my gag reflex… everything just waits it’s turn to be chewed and swallowed. If I use this analogy than I can have hope that I’ll make it through this semester with all As and a C (calculus), or all A Bs and a C. Or just all passing grades… I guess would suffice, but not really. But really, I’m scared. I’m terrified. I’m petrified. I don’t think I’ll make it through okay. It’s so impressive what the stress from one class can do to your work ethic for every other class.

Math defeats me. Absolutely defeats me. I can’t do math. My brain doesn’t do it. It completely shuts down as soon as there is something I don’t understand or can’t do.

JavaScript is Adolf Hitler Reincarnate!

So, a few things. I have decided that it can’t be exciting to read a title with a number. Who fucking cares what post count I have? No one cares, and it doesn’t make my e-peen better. I assume it’ll make for a better reading experience to actually know what you’re about to read.

So, as my title implies. My new nemesis is JAVASCRIPT. :) My JavaScript is my new sources of tears, frustration, and hours of coding that gets me no where. I don’t think it would be so bad, if I was taking it with the guy who USED to teach it. But alas, I am not. :s The new guy is just that, A FUCKING NEW GUY. Let me tell you something. New professors in college are not shiney and new and exciting. They don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, and they’re illprepared. Maybe I’m generalizing too much from my ONE experience with ONE person. Yes, I am, because my professor in Geology last semester it was his first semester and he was AMAZING. So, yeah, maybe this guy is just a DOUCHE. Basically, anyone with experience with any kind of programming that I have talked to, have said it’s insane that we’re doing stuff so advanced already. It’s lunacy. I’ve already worked around… 5 hours on this thing? Maybe more. I haven’t been able to work at it ALL at once like I did on the last assignment, which took me 10 hours. Haha. :3! Speaking of, here they is, assignments 1 and 2 At least I was proud of myself after I got it done. And this only made me cry once. The second assignment has made me cry multiple times.

It’s very stupid. We have to make a search function. And actually, from having done this assignment and having done the research for it… It’s really easy to make what he wants to happen… happen. Just not the way he wants to happen. He wants us to use a recursive function. If you know nothing about programming, let me just tell you. Recursive functions are one of those things that are rarely if EVER used in programming at all. It’s like you learn it because it’s part of the curriculum, not because you will use it terribly much in your career as a programmer. A recursive function is essentially a function that calls itself. It repeatedly goes through data until it gets to the stopping point that you set.

Anyway, so I’ve tried this thing multiple times and I’ve sent my professor e-mails and he doesn’t check them every 5 seconds like all other professors… so it’s really not helpful when I’m stuck on something. Maybe I expect too much, I don’t know. But it’s pretty ridiculous. :( He mentions things we should be using AFTER I’ve already been working on it for hours. That’s like saying, “Oh, good job, you’ve turned this 10 page paper in, but I forgot to mention that it’s supposed to be a Toulmin’s Analysis.” (ie., fucking start over again, bitch)

Anyway. Going out to brunch.

#: 323

So the thing on my mind today is that I wish I had the time and energy to be multilingual. I think it would be a fantastically wonderful gift and skill in life to be able to fluently speak in many languages. I like to try to do Rosetta Stone at least once a day, to keep my Portuguese in check. (even though it’s not much) I feel like if I practice daily I’ll be in a better place then binging here and there. I just looked at the log in screen and saw these other languages installed besides Portuguese and I thought to myself, ‘Man I wish I had the time to be fluent in all these languages, or at least have decent progress in Rosetta Stone. I’m actually curious to know; how much of each language do you know when you finish all Rosetta Stone has to offer. Are you really fluent? Can you go to one of those countries and have some native speaker say to you, ‘Wow, where did you learn your French?’ or whatever language it may be? I’m curious about that. It makes me really wish I could find the drive and motivation to finish the Portuguese one. Or at least finish the first disc of it. I’ve never even come close. Not even half way. It makes me wonder, truly.

On another note… SCHOOL SHIT.

So, it’s been kind of stressful for the last few days because I got a letter in the mail saying I was suddenly ineligible for my financial aid that I was accepted for previously. (basically I applied for financial aid for both semesters at the beginning of last semester, so since last semester I was expecting financial aid for this semester, so I didn’t save any money to pay for school myself… because I knew it was essentially covered. Anyway so I scrambled. Looked online a lot, found appeal papers, also found that there was a scholarship I could apply for by today… so I did that and went to the financial aid office and found the rundown on appeals. Turns out I’ll have to pay for tuition myself anyway and I’ll have to get reimbursed. (assuming my appeal goes through… or I get the scholarship… or both :\) :( Anyway.

I also had the stress of losing power for an extensive amount of time while I own cold blooded geckos. Yeah, that was fun. Schnee was STRESSED to hell. It was scary and sad. I woke up every 1.5 hours to give them hot water bottles (we have a gas hot water heater… THANK GOD!) It got really cold though, so they were stressed by the time the night was over, and by mid day of the next day… it was down right shitty for them. We took them to the gym (where we had power, heat, etc) and they’re still there because we’re expecting more bad weather this week…

Anyway. I had a great day at school today. Looking forward to the semester!

#: 320

Soo, hello. :) I got back from Brazil yesterday. It was a considerably better visit than the first time I went. I think the first time was; ‘Let’s see if we really love each other, and maybe let’s impress each other a bit…’ This time it was really just ‘let’s spend time together and be ourselves.’ Time was too short, and we both got sick which means we could’ve had better time together had we not been sick, but fortunately we weren’t sick for long. Luckily it wasn’t a week-long episode of being sick for either of us since we only had 2 weeks together! It’s been a pretty intense 3 weeks for me. Up, down, up, down! Right now I’m trying to adjust to being in this house again with out Daniel or his family keeping me sane and healthy. I’ve been doing loads of laundry all day. I managed to feed myself, tho! :) However my body is already reacting badly to going back to eating processed foods. In Brazil I was eating ‘real’ food the whole time… then I come back and eat stuff like subs and powered soup (Lipton’s). Lol.

While I was gone my room was absolutely destroyed by the dogs. I am trying to fix the aftermath but it’s difficult to keep myself moving with these chores of laundry and picking up trash and such. I’m only easing myself into cleaning, not diving into it like I normally do. I guess something is better than nothing, right? Anyway… so basically my desk has shelving above my monitor. 2 shelves and then ontop is a row of books spaning across the entire top of the desk. On one of the shelves above my monitor I had 2 syrups for milk (my niece gave me a ‘chocolate milk blender’ for Christmas last year). Apparently Griff (the huge Neopolitan Mastiff puppy) got down the chocolate syrup and dirtied pretty much everything in my room. Ontop of that I pretty much have no remaining survivors of the plushie persuasion. My dragon from Dave and Busters, Elmo from Dave and Busters, Oscar from Dave and Busters, and numerous others have been maimed in someway or another and will just have to go in the trash. No reason in keeping a plushie with his stuffing coming out. (unless he’s very special for one reason or another)

Onto the more traumatizing things: Most traumatizing is that somehow the dogs knocked over Mika’s terrarium. Mika is my baby leopard gecko who’s not even a year yet. Apparently my dad had to search my whole room for her; we’re lucky she wasn’t eaten by a dog, or that any of the stuff that fell out of the tank with her didn’t crush her. When I was at the beach we didn’t have internet and I had to use a lan house to communicate with my family. When I heard this news I literally had a panic attack in the lan house. Daniel had to type to my dad for me and it took me a considerable amount of time to stop crying and shaking. After thinking about it and thinking about it, I think I’m so lucky and grateful that something didn’t happen to her. She didn’t even drop her tail… What if something crushed her? What if a dog ate her? x_x omg I would’ve lost my fucking mind, for real.

Anyway, next traumatizing thing. On the top shelf after the syrup one, I had 2 dolls that my grandmother gave me. She crocheted their outfits and everything. They’re beautiful and could remind me for a long time of her awesomeness. Well anyway, some how they got the dolls down. I’ve since found one. She seems in decent condition but her hair looks like some was ripped out. The other one I haven’t found yet… I hope she’s ok. :s

Next on the list: my bed. Apparently when the chocolate fiasco took place, my dad took all the bed clothes off my bed and washed them. However, when he did that he exposed my matress. My mattress is no longer in pristine condition. The dogs have made it all dirty, which makes me sad. I’m sure you can probably spot clean a mattress, but it would be pretty impossible in this house to move it outside to clean/dry it. :( It was also pretty shitty to just wanna go to sleep, but have to clean everything and make my bed and stuff. Plus, there’s a huge hole in my sheet. Wtf is that bullshit?

Next: My earrings. I keep my earrings in a small (no bigger by 5in by 5in) ceramic turtle that I bought in Mexico. I keep it on the same shelf as the syrup. It’s been knocked down and who knows where the fuck all my earrings are now. :(

Anyway. Despite my room being a disaster, and my hard time adjusting to being home again… I really had a wonderful time while I was with Daniel in Brazil. We were quite happy and only had a few altercations. When you are with someone 24/7 you’ll have altercations. Lol. Some of them were me catching an attitude from bleeding. Some of them were really just me being a brat, or him being a brat, or both. We generally got over these fights quickly though. Online I’m not sure they’d disappear as quickly. I guess there’s something about seeing the look of your love being so pissed that you hate to see and do anything to stop.

Anyway. I’ve been doing laundry all day and am now trying to figure out my future semesters at MC to prepare for University of Maryland.

See ya. :)

#: 319

So with the help of Mike I finally got the positioning of this damn thing the way it’s supposed to go. Looks pretty nice, but it’s nothing I envisioned or anything. The cool ideas I had were based off copyrighted content that I couldn’t put in my portfolio, so I didn’t want to. :( I also have to make my friend Daniel’s website for a wonderful company he’s starting. It’s called Eternal Roots. Whenever someone buys a shirt, a tree will be planted. Eventually he’ll have different designs printed on the shirts and you will be able to support different species of trees! I’ll definitely post it here once I get it live. <3

Wooo new layout. Emmie had been waiting. <3

#: 311


SOOOOO I started school last week… or week before?, and it’s fabulous n_n! One shitty thing is just… really realizing how much I need my license. For instance, today, public transportation ate up 2.5 hours of my life. Transportation to and from school shouldn’t be more than an hour, hour and a half at absolute worst! Anyway. it’s good because I eat pretty good during school, and I walk hellalot. anyway. So yeah, school’s pretty good. That whole few sentences was written a while ago, I guess. I think last Thursday, even…? or maybe this past Tuesday. I’m not sure. xD!

Anyway, life is pretty crazy. Growing up is so weird sometimes. And to think, I don’t even have the bulk of responsibilities I need to be considered a real adult. Today I was at school from 8:30-3ish, then I went to work. Thing is… I wake up around 6:30. So I’m up and running from 6:30 – 8:30, walking, or working, or schooling, or whatever. Pretty tough. Oh, there’s also the public transportation which takes a lot out of me, mainly because of my backpack… and because in the morning… it’s really early, and in the evenings, it’s after a huge long day of using my brain to it’s capacity! I have a lot of homework, mostly reading. I’m hoping I can clean my room while reading… basically.. start a load of laundry, read, switch the laundry, take some trash off my desk, read, change the load again, etc.

Anyway, moving on… I’m kinda stressed about school for the long run, because I’ve always wanted to go to Maryland… but it seems that they don’t really have any programs that I want/need. Any degree I would get there would be settling for it because I wanted a piece of paper that said I graduated from Maryland. And then… basically, the program I kinda got set on, then my sister told me that you have to take Calculus to get into it! So that started making me feel pretty panicked as well. And then I looked into the OT program at Towson, and there’s a bunch of classes I need to take before I go there, which isn’t quite as bad, to be honest. The math is what scares me. Sciences don’t scare me much, unless they have a lot of math in them. Plus, the Towson stuff, I think I have a few classes under my belt to go there.

Next concern: I’m going into, or am in one of those psychological down hill situations that are caused from social problems. For instance, I was getting too ‘kushey’ with having a few friends, within the last few months. I was talking to Daniel regularly, as well as Mike, and Jonathan. I’m pleased to say that Daniel and I are playing WoW, and hence talking a lot more. And, I’m going there in December so I think we’re both kinda excited that we’ll see each other ‘soon’. And then, recently (last two weeks or so), I guess I could consider Tyler a friend. Tyler is Lizzie’s brother, and we’ve held conversation before, but prior to a week or two ago there was never consecutive attempts to communicate mutually. But then suddenly he was bored and hung out with me multiple times in the span of 2 weeks or so. Maybe 3 weeks. Anyway. So, Mike’s really busy with work, Tyler is about to move to Delaware, and the last one bugs me the most. Basically because I’m an immature female who needs to go to sleep and mind her own business. Basically, I over analyze everything, and that’s what’s happening here. Plus, I detach easly so hopefully this will end quickly. I have physical symptoms of emotional strain right now, but I’m hoping it’s because I’m tired, not because I’m attached. So I’ll whisper to make me feel better in case he reads this, because I don’t want to be confronted about it:

Sooo… on Facebook today, I read that Jonathan was engaged! At first my heart sank, and then I started thinking logically, that it must be some stupid Facebook bullshit. I didn’t really think on it much after that I guess. But as I got home, I just started thinking about it a lot for some reason. I’m not sure if I’m just jealous because as soon as there’s another girl, the friendship is not anywhere close to the same. But at the same time, I’ve wanted that all along, so it’s not fair. Can’t have it both ways. Anyway, so I just put my analytical brain on, and keep going back and forth. this is one of those reasons I hate facebook. What’s real? To me, it seems like total and utter bullshit, but that may just be a defense mechanism. I dunno, everything logically says it’s bullshit. Maybe I’ve spent less time with him in the past few weeks than I thought. But still, it’s kinda weird that he’s had time to farm the kind of relationship that ends in engagement. Maybe it’s a test. Is it a test to see how well I know him? I feel like it’s bullshit and he wouldn’t rush into such a commitment, so it must be a joke.

BUT, at the same time, the comments and everything in response… are legit, like people think they’re engaged. Even if it’s just some old friend he’s known for years… I still can’t see him just up and eloping. But maybe I’m arrogant and really don’t know the guy. Kinda disturbing actually. Maybe what’s more disturbing is I really consider this guy a best friend to me, but sometimes I feel like I could just drop him. Am I a survivor, or just a cold-hearted-bitch? I’m typing on and on about this, this is bothering me a lot I guess. He did call me lupa today… but something tells me he’d call me lupa even if he got married… mm I don’t know. The clues are confusing. I should be a detective? Maybe. I’m like shivering because I’m thinking about it so much. I guess my problem is… I can take things from me, but if they’re taken from me… it’s a completely different story. Completely. Also, I wonder if he avoided coming because of her. That’s one point the other side of the argument has. It goes like this… this weekend, Jon and I planned to hang out all weekend (pretty much), at Wendy’s (my sister) house. We did this some other weekend and it was awesome. We played Rock Band with the kids all day. Was fabulous time. I talked to him on the phone night before it was supposed to happen. He was concerned about money, but he also said he would come one way or another, when I started to say, ‘okay I guess I’ll see you next week.’.

Anyway, so I figured he was coming, and then he didn’t show up that night, and texted me saying he’d come in the morning, then he called in the morning and said they didn’t pay him. It was all really kinda sketchy and weird, like… not him. So that was Saturday, I think, and then we got him to come Sunday evening… so I’m wondering if he was avoiding because of this chick? I kinda think that’s my paranoia talking, but who knows, I kinda think and analyze every aspect of the equation. Oh, by the way, there were pictures on facebook of the ‘promise’ ring (ring pop), which if it were alone, everyone would know it were bullshit. But then there was also a picture of her finger with a ring on it. Okay, a). it could’ve just been some fun day, let’s take the facebook shit even further, b). I’m fairly certain he doesn’t have money like that. And if he does, then him ditching on the plans we had… was bullshit. Which pisses me off and makes me not trust him.

I’m done whispering. I think I’m also done typing. Before I started typing this, I was suddenly awake. Like… awake with my emotions and cold, etc. Now I just feel tired and ready for bed, but it’s still kinda early…

#: 283

HA! A good post. :)

Anyway. So today was a spectacularly awesome day. It started with my new baby leopard gecko, which I don’t think I’ve mentioned, actually eating today. Eating while I was researching slurry so I could feed him/her a slurry mix. Anyway, so I knew today at work would be prettttyy awesome because people were planning to bring baked goods to practice! Hella awesome idea, whoever’s it was. Anyway. So I was really hyper and excited about cupcakes, AND THEN I got an e-mail with my test scores… it was pretty grim, 45% on test 5, and 55% on the final test. UGH. That’s devestating, but I knew it was going to happen… HOWEVA! I passed the friggin’ class, which is what counts!! So I was excited all practice because I passed my math class AND I was going to eat funfetti cupcakes, AND THEN I found out that Lauren brought  me the juice that I like. It was AWESOME.

Maybe I really should marry rich and just have a spoiled life.

Going to sleep!