Category Archives: Gaming

Lifee!

Herro~
So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:
Jaundice

Bruise from blood being drawn:
Bruise

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:
Ice

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.
yum

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!
IV

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.
hand

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx

Lonely

Hi emmie.
I’m talking to you because I have np one to talk to. I don’t even really think it’s a romantic loneliness, but maybe it is. I just lay down in bed and wish I had someone to talk to at that moment, when really I should just be going to bed…

I’m so needy. A bunch of people text me, then they stop and I feel sad that no one is texting me anymore.

Won a ranked game. Going to sleep. Night.

Epiphany

So now I understand why League of Legends is an addiction for me. I use League of Legends as a mindless activity I do. While I’m playing it I really don’t think about my surroundings, my life. I don’t think about the things that bother me on a day to day basis. I don’t think about how much I hate my life when I play League of Legends. Sometimes I play too long at a time and I get into a bad mood from a bad game, or from a series of bad games… and then it’s like my protection failed so I have even more to be upset about.

Then I start thinking about how LITERALLY my life is League of Legends. Every waking moment of my free time in the last 2-3 weeks I have only played League. I haven’t even spent time on school work at home because I’ll play League instead. I have no motivation for anything I need to get done. Things I really need to do, absolutely need to do I avoid doing because of League. I haven’t cleaned my gecko’s tank even though I’ve been needing to do it for 3 weeks. I then get upset when geckos die because I don’t prioritize them the way they should be prioritized. Wow, I am a sick human being. But not just for that reason I guess.

If you knew what this house looked like. If you knew the state of disrepair I have lived in my whole life… maybe some of my issues could be explained that way. I have never lived in a normal home and I have never had a friend over — IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. My room gets worse as the days go by. It was normal at some point in time for some period of time, but I have no idea when that will ever happen again. My dresser is broken so I have nowhere to put clothes, so they’re on the floor. Mingled with trash, etc. Oh that’s not considering how the dogs make the house disgusting too. There are so many just absolutely disgusting things about this house that if a normal person came in here without psychological barriers they would be scarred for life, and I’ve lived here my entire life. It actually could probably be featured on one of those tv shows.

But anyway, I digress. I hate my life. I have no motivation to fix it, and that’s where League of Legends comes in. I play League of Legends to run away from my problems, to not have to face my demons. Talking to people doesn’t help because… well the only thing that will make me better is to take steps towards being happy about my life, and I don’t do that because all I do as soon as I get near my computer is play League. Whilst obligation after obligation stacks up or comes and goes.

And of course someone close to me hasn’t talked to me in a while which bothers me, but I don’t need to get into that. Need to just not think about it and leave it as it is.

yay life. yay adult hood.

If you died tomorrow would you be happy about the state of your life today? I wouldn’t.

School, boys, etc.

Hey Emmie,
Last few nights I’ve found myself laying in bed wishing I had someone to confide in, but looking through my phone I couldn’t find anyone that wouldn’t have bias… or just I knew what they would say in response. I knew what their advice would be, and I don’t want to hear it and it wouldn’t be helpful at all. So I’m going to pretend that writing here will help even though you won’t respond at all. I’m going to pretend that ‘getting it out’ helps this problem.

Before I start on my issues and my current life, I’m sorry that your layout is so gross. I actually hate it, but I also no longer have confidence in my ability to design decent websites. Which sucks because I am wrangled into making a website for my vet (if he ever gets me the information, etc.) Hopefully I can get into that mindset when the time comes. And maybe when that mindset comes I will try to make you look nice and pretty as you should. :) Moving on…

There is this boy that has been in my life for many years. I’m going to change the story a bit just for the purpose of anonymity for him, in case he doesn’t want his part in my life all over the internet. I’m going to call him… Sexy. We’ll go with that. (He is sexy, after all!) I have known Sexy for at least 5 years now. For the last few years while I was with Daniel I always had him in the back of my head. Regardless of whatever history or lack there of we have, I always had him in my head and always kinda wanted that chance with him that never came to full fruition. I don’t think I ever full out wanted to leave Daniel for him, but I always passive aggressively thought to myself, “I would love a chance with Sexy” Sexy and I haven’t had too much time in the last few years, so we haven’t consistently talked, but of course anytime we had time we were quite inseparable. It’s hard to tell this story without specifics because then everyone who has ever read my blog or has ever been a part of my life for any period of time will know exactly who I’m talking about. Regardless, for the last 2-3 weeks I’ve really been thinking on it. I kinda have this opportunity to try to be with Sexy, but I’m very scared about it. I’m scared about the distance and the history and all this other stuff. Maybe I’m also just starting to hide in my shell. People want me to hang out all the time, and because I’m so busy with school and work I always want to sit at home and game. Not having a boyfriend helps this lifestyle of sitting at home and gaming. It’s sad that I prefer that right now. But if I let myself fall for people, I might fuck up in school. Love, boys are distracting to me having a successful life on my own without a boy being involved. Don’t get me wrong, I want a man in my life… but I want to be able to support myself. I don’t want to be totally dependent.

Anyway, I’m definitely going on a tangent here. I’ve always wanted a chance with Sexy. I always have. I think we would be very happy together. But there are complications that scare me and make me not want to try it. But I want to meet him in person, but then won’t I fall in love with him? Shouldn’t I try to experience ‘IRL’ relationfails, I mean ships? I donno. But the reason it’s bugging me so much more now, is he won’t talk to me. I’ve tried to convince myself that he’s just busy as usual. But we had this huge fight the other day about League. I guess it wasn’t just about League, it’s just how he handles things with me and I see him as insensitive. Even when I explain what I meant after I blew up I guess it wasn’t enough. He actively doesn’t go on our messenger of choice and instead I can only say Hi to him via text or Steam. It drives me nuts because I think of him all day and hope I’ll get to talk to him, but then I don’t because he’s nonchalant, cold, etc. It might just be me imagining it, I don’t know. My experiences with Daniel and other people in between (rushed flings, I guess you could call them) have really… made me shut down. Not totally shut down, not in that sense. But I think relationshipwise I’m empty. I don’t feel any real… childish thrill over anyone. I used to always have that feeling either with sad boyfriend or someone I was just talking to that would make me happy. I don’t have that with anyone right now, and it’s kind of weird. The closest thing to it is Sexy. It’s hard to explain with him though. I’ve always had feelings for him, and now that i’m scared shitless it’s almost like some of those feelings are locked up. I have feelings for him, think of him all the time, want to talk to him all the time, he makes me smile, I make him smile, we say endearing things. All this stuff and I feel really scared to commit to him. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not ready for a relationship yet since Daniel, or if it’s because… blah I don’t know. It’s really hard and confusing because I do have feelings for him, do want to be with him, and then my logic goes, ‘Look at all these things.’ My logic never lets me live life.

I am in my first semester towards going to University of Maryland’s Smith school of Business. It’s a lot of work and is pretty difficult. I think it’ll get considerably easier after the Calculus this semester. I think most of my energy that I don’t want depleted goes into that. By that I mean… I’d rather spend that 3 hours messing up my Balance Sheet for Accounting than I would teaching myself math that half the time I don’t fully understand. I am currently taking 5 classes while working roughly 30 hours a week. I am taking The Human Body, Applied Calculus for business/science majors, Accounting 1, Micro Economics, Statistics for Business. I got lucky with the professor I chose for Stat because his class is easy and easy to understand. Accounting is accounting but I have a great professor. I hate my economics class for a variety of reasons, the human body is online (flip through a textbook, answer quiz questions, carry on), Applied calculus is also online (it’s a lot of work).

Onto the next boy issue. Or upcoming issue, impending issue, etc. I have an acquaintance. Let’s call this acquaintance… Neko. I dunno why I wanna call him Neko, but whatever. I met Neko kinda recently and the first time we hung out I realize he’s cool and everything, and we talk via text kinda often I guess, and I just get the impression he’s into me. I’m not going into details, again for anonymity purposes. Not that Neko would ever read this or even find this, but whatever. Anyway, I think Neko is into me but I dunno if I really want a relationship at all right now, and honestly I think if I got into any relationship IRL I would just wonder why I’m not with Sexy, which is another issue going back to the Sexy problems. xD! So maybe I should just call it a day and be with Sexy? <3! I dunno. But Neko is very sweet and everything, but there night be a few things that make me go e.e; about him. I am so overcritical of people it is ridiculous. I have to plan everything and it makes it so I don't actually experience anything or live my life. It kinda sucks. Anyway, so I might be hanging out with Neko more often, but I'm not sure about that because of my school and work. I'm wondering how comfortable I will feel with seeing him more often. If he's into me and I don't want a relationship I dunno how to communicate that without being hurtful. Blargh. Well, I'm off to have a break from thinking about my Sexy woes and try to distract myself from that with Calculus homework~~~!!!!

This is why I don’t keep people close to me…

Hey Em,
This is why I push people away. Recently I have made a few really close friends from playing League of Legends. I have 3 guys from League whom I consider very close friends who I would share pretty much anything with. People get upset at me for being hard on myself, people get upset at me for not allowing them to help me… but this is what happens when I do. When I try to have help, when I try to confide in people, I just push them away from being overbearing. I’m pretty sure I’m pushing all three of them away with all of my problems. This is exactly why I keep people at a distance. They’ve helped me a lot, don’t get me wrong… and generally I’m not an easy person to help.

I feel so paranoid lately. I really do. It feels like it’s not even me. I used to be so happy, constantly laughing and joking in mumble. (like vent, for League) Now I’m not like that at all. I’m quiet or I’m complaining. One of the two. I really feel like I should just not come on MSN, not talk to them for some time, not play League for some time. I don’t know. I want to be fixed, but I really don’t know how. I reach out to them, and I guess they can’t help… so I just spill my heart to them, and I guess all of my problems only I can fix, so there is no point in telling everyone about them over and over again. I guess crying helps, I’m not sure how much telling them helps since I just push them away and it tends to make it worse. The last 2-3 weeks have been a fucking nightmare for me.

I’m hoping when I leave on Friday to go to Texas, it’ll be a nice break. I don’t know how much of a break it will be… but I’m hoping I can pull myself away from my addictions (LoL and my mumble buddies), and try to do some ‘soul searching’ as gay as that sounds. One thing I’ve really come across lately that is definitely something I need to practice before getting into a marriage… is being alone. I’ve never really properly learned how to be alone. Which is kind of ironic because… well, I am always surrounded by people, and a lot of the time I’m surrounded by people who are enamored by me, or are in some way amused by me, and give me attention for x or y. So I’m never truly alone, but at the same time, I’m very alone because I always have to push people away, and/or keep things inside. But what I mean by alone is… I need to appreciate what it is to be alone. I need to learn how it is to be alone. I need to live life without the thought of some significant other constantly in the back of my head, having some influence (big or small) on my actions. I also don’t know if I can ever do an international relationship ever again. Regardless of how much I’ve always wanted a second chance with Mike, I’m not sure I can do it. It doesn’t help his team get into my head that he hasn’t had a full length conversation with me in 6 months. It also doesn’t help that, regardless of how busy he is… because I totally understand that, he can’t take the 5 seconds to send me a ‘hi, I’m alive’ e-mail or text. I don’t care how fucking busy you are. It’s not that hard to take 10 seconds out of your life to reassure me. Every few weeks I’ll be thinking, “I haven’t heard from him in weeks, I hope he’s not in the hospital again, I hope he’s not dead, I hope his mom, Vince, and Dami are okay.” I wish I could either a). forget he exists or b). have him say hi once a week, or once every two weeks. or something.

Anyway, that was a fun tangent. I suck at League of Legends. It makes me sad. I’m also getting dragged into Rift, and my inability to enjoy anything is making it difficult. It makes me pretty much fucking hate myself. I seriously cannot just chill out and enjoy life. I worry about everything. I’m paranoid about everything. Everything has to be planned to a fucking t. It’s ridiculous. Why can’t I be spontaneous? Why can’t I be excited by new things, instead of completely terrified of them? Especially small, meaningless things like fucking video games? Why can’t I just play for fun? Why can’t I just say ‘fuck it, this is awesome, I’m spending time with friends?’ I wish I could be that way. I want to know how to do that. Any suggestions on self-change, self-improvement techniques? Meditation? Behavior therapy? But how can I do that to me? Gimme your thoughts.

<3, Anxiety-Ridden Alyx

#: 303

Oh my gawd. I got my hair cut today… it’s so fucking amazing – you have no idea. Also, I got my toes done, and they’re fucking cute. My feminine meter has burst and there is mercury everywhere. It’s tragic, it really is. However, I came home and rectified the situation by killing people in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. :) I’m really just too lazy to find a picture of my toes… ow8 limme see if I e-mailed it… nah, but I got it off my phone… so here are the highlights of my day! IN ORDER!

I had to change it because when you say 'Super Lyx' it sounds bad... Mark pointed it out and made fun of me :(!
Finally! 3 months later, I get to get my toes done again!
I win the qtpie award, hands down. :)
Was playing CoD and took this for Daniel! :)

My day was exciting, WASN’T IT? Yes, of course. <3 SLAMMIN’ POOL PARTY TOMORROW WITH FUNFETTI AND SHIRLEY TEMPLES!

#: 249

So this was a historic snow storm. But… I haven’t got to play in it. :\ However, it was refreshing to have a few days off of work, because the few days I’ll get off of work for Christmas, I’d REALLY like to get my room done. I’m one of those people that likes working in spurts. I like to have the option to pretty much work straight through days. Wake up at 10 or something, clean until 8 or something, and then clean the next day. I’d love to have that work ethic to get it done. I hope WoW doesn’t get in the way of it. So this old school friend of mine (The guy who got me into RO, essentially), we’ve been talking again lately and it’s been pretty awesome. Some people from my past you just have missed so much and changed so much, and hold on to things, that it never quite clicks again. But for him and I it’s just like old times. But I think I kind of talked him into RO, when I don’t really want to play. I think it would be awesome to play with him, of course, but I don’t want the drama of RO, I don’t want to dedicate the time to it. When you play seriously in the game, it really eats up time. Time that I don’t have.

Today was one of those days where I was at work all day and I came home and just wanted to go to sleep. I hate days like that, because some time during the day I really wanted to level my Druid… so much for that desire. Sleep is so demanding right now. Heavy eyelids and all!

Nite.
Lyx

#: 247

I was already tired, but I stayed up late playing WoW. :s Which really wouldn’t matter most of the time because Friday is my day off, however tomorrow I am taking Cezzie to the vet, and I have to wake up around 8:30, the appointment is at 9:15 in Laurel. Trying a new vet, hope I like him. (I like boys better than girls.)

I bought amazing shoes tonight. I meant to take a picture and post it here, but then again I meant to do a lot of things tonight, but I ended up just playing WoW. I got to 72, and I actually partied someone and played healer for a group quest. Movin’ on up.

Boa noite.
Alyx

#: 246

wOOo!

Better day today. I had a slow start to my morning (getting out of bed an hour and a half after I had planned to!) Daniel and I kinda talked about how my life sucks for a bit, it was a frustrating conversation where he suggested lots of fixes to all of my unhappiness, and all of the suggestions were not do-able, and it got frustrating to have him make suggestions and them not work, and him trying to force fixes on me for my shitty life. I guess it’s just frustrating when the guy you love, who ‘in theory’ is supposed to be your protector, and fixes everything, can’t do much to help you. It’s not just frustrating for me, it’s frustrating for him as well, I think. I dunno. My old way of thinking was really to worry about if my boyfriend cared about me, because I wasn’t worth it. Now I feel like if I said that kinda thing he’d get pissed at me. @_@ But I guess I hope I’m not assuming that he is frustrated in that way.

My day was lightened by sexual jokes and/or teasing from and to Daniel, and also by an old friend; Nick. I think in the beginning of us talking it may have felt a little weird because it’s been so long. I guess usually time doesn’t bother me and I can just talk to people… but I had a falling out with lots of people involved with RAWR, and he was just a casualty of that falling out. But after the awkwardness, it really just felt like old friends connecting again. I also found out that WoW was having a winter event which made me excited. I love Christmasy spirit. It’s so great. That excitement made me play a lot tonight, didn’t do any RO whoring (except for talk to Zack, and Griz).

It’s always nice to talk to people I really considered friends from RO. Friends I’ve had in RO… I just can’t explain the relationship you get with those people. Maybe that’s why Daniel seems to be such a keeper as far as boyfriends go.

I think I’ll say good night now.

Cheers!
Alyx