Category Archives: Goals


So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:

Bruise from blood being drawn:

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx

#: 311


SOOOOO I started school last week… or week before?, and it’s fabulous n_n! One shitty thing is just… really realizing how much I need my license. For instance, today, public transportation ate up 2.5 hours of my life. Transportation to and from school shouldn’t be more than an hour, hour and a half at absolute worst! Anyway. it’s good because I eat pretty good during school, and I walk hellalot. anyway. So yeah, school’s pretty good. That whole few sentences was written a while ago, I guess. I think last Thursday, even…? or maybe this past Tuesday. I’m not sure. xD!

Anyway, life is pretty crazy. Growing up is so weird sometimes. And to think, I don’t even have the bulk of responsibilities I need to be considered a real adult. Today I was at school from 8:30-3ish, then I went to work. Thing is… I wake up around 6:30. So I’m up and running from 6:30 – 8:30, walking, or working, or schooling, or whatever. Pretty tough. Oh, there’s also the public transportation which takes a lot out of me, mainly because of my backpack… and because in the morning… it’s really early, and in the evenings, it’s after a huge long day of using my brain to it’s capacity! I have a lot of homework, mostly reading. I’m hoping I can clean my room while reading… basically.. start a load of laundry, read, switch the laundry, take some trash off my desk, read, change the load again, etc.

Anyway, moving on… I’m kinda stressed about school for the long run, because I’ve always wanted to go to Maryland… but it seems that they don’t really have any programs that I want/need. Any degree I would get there would be settling for it because I wanted a piece of paper that said I graduated from Maryland. And then… basically, the program I kinda got set on, then my sister told me that you have to take Calculus to get into it! So that started making me feel pretty panicked as well. And then I looked into the OT program at Towson, and there’s a bunch of classes I need to take before I go there, which isn’t quite as bad, to be honest. The math is what scares me. Sciences don’t scare me much, unless they have a lot of math in them. Plus, the Towson stuff, I think I have a few classes under my belt to go there.

Next concern: I’m going into, or am in one of those psychological down hill situations that are caused from social problems. For instance, I was getting too ‘kushey’ with having a few friends, within the last few months. I was talking to Daniel regularly, as well as Mike, and Jonathan. I’m pleased to say that Daniel and I are playing WoW, and hence talking a lot more. And, I’m going there in December so I think we’re both kinda excited that we’ll see each other ‘soon’. And then, recently (last two weeks or so), I guess I could consider Tyler a friend. Tyler is Lizzie’s brother, and we’ve held conversation before, but prior to a week or two ago there was never consecutive attempts to communicate mutually. But then suddenly he was bored and hung out with me multiple times in the span of 2 weeks or so. Maybe 3 weeks. Anyway. So, Mike’s really busy with work, Tyler is about to move to Delaware, and the last one bugs me the most. Basically because I’m an immature female who needs to go to sleep and mind her own business. Basically, I over analyze everything, and that’s what’s happening here. Plus, I detach easly so hopefully this will end quickly. I have physical symptoms of emotional strain right now, but I’m hoping it’s because I’m tired, not because I’m attached. So I’ll whisper to make me feel better in case he reads this, because I don’t want to be confronted about it:

Sooo… on Facebook today, I read that Jonathan was engaged! At first my heart sank, and then I started thinking logically, that it must be some stupid Facebook bullshit. I didn’t really think on it much after that I guess. But as I got home, I just started thinking about it a lot for some reason. I’m not sure if I’m just jealous because as soon as there’s another girl, the friendship is not anywhere close to the same. But at the same time, I’ve wanted that all along, so it’s not fair. Can’t have it both ways. Anyway, so I just put my analytical brain on, and keep going back and forth. this is one of those reasons I hate facebook. What’s real? To me, it seems like total and utter bullshit, but that may just be a defense mechanism. I dunno, everything logically says it’s bullshit. Maybe I’ve spent less time with him in the past few weeks than I thought. But still, it’s kinda weird that he’s had time to farm the kind of relationship that ends in engagement. Maybe it’s a test. Is it a test to see how well I know him? I feel like it’s bullshit and he wouldn’t rush into such a commitment, so it must be a joke.

BUT, at the same time, the comments and everything in response… are legit, like people think they’re engaged. Even if it’s just some old friend he’s known for years… I still can’t see him just up and eloping. But maybe I’m arrogant and really don’t know the guy. Kinda disturbing actually. Maybe what’s more disturbing is I really consider this guy a best friend to me, but sometimes I feel like I could just drop him. Am I a survivor, or just a cold-hearted-bitch? I’m typing on and on about this, this is bothering me a lot I guess. He did call me lupa today… but something tells me he’d call me lupa even if he got married… mm I don’t know. The clues are confusing. I should be a detective? Maybe. I’m like shivering because I’m thinking about it so much. I guess my problem is… I can take things from me, but if they’re taken from me… it’s a completely different story. Completely. Also, I wonder if he avoided coming because of her. That’s one point the other side of the argument has. It goes like this… this weekend, Jon and I planned to hang out all weekend (pretty much), at Wendy’s (my sister) house. We did this some other weekend and it was awesome. We played Rock Band with the kids all day. Was fabulous time. I talked to him on the phone night before it was supposed to happen. He was concerned about money, but he also said he would come one way or another, when I started to say, ‘okay I guess I’ll see you next week.’.

Anyway, so I figured he was coming, and then he didn’t show up that night, and texted me saying he’d come in the morning, then he called in the morning and said they didn’t pay him. It was all really kinda sketchy and weird, like… not him. So that was Saturday, I think, and then we got him to come Sunday evening… so I’m wondering if he was avoiding because of this chick? I kinda think that’s my paranoia talking, but who knows, I kinda think and analyze every aspect of the equation. Oh, by the way, there were pictures on facebook of the ‘promise’ ring (ring pop), which if it were alone, everyone would know it were bullshit. But then there was also a picture of her finger with a ring on it. Okay, a). it could’ve just been some fun day, let’s take the facebook shit even further, b). I’m fairly certain he doesn’t have money like that. And if he does, then him ditching on the plans we had… was bullshit. Which pisses me off and makes me not trust him.

I’m done whispering. I think I’m also done typing. Before I started typing this, I was suddenly awake. Like… awake with my emotions and cold, etc. Now I just feel tired and ready for bed, but it’s still kinda early…

#: 310

Dear Emmie and friends,

I just ran. :) I’m SO out of shape, it’s ridiculous. We have a rod floor that’s for our gymnasts to tumble on. And I did 10 laps down and back. Just asked my mom what the length of it is. 84 feet. So 1 lap is 168 feet. And all laps total, 1680 feet. But anyway. I did 5 and 5. After the second 5, I was really struggling. Water is so awesome. I’m really tired. I figured I’d get energy from expending energy, but I haven’t eaten yet… hopefully I’ll get energy from food.

Man I hate waking up early. And man I hope I can get into the habit of getting in shape. I want to be able to run around the lake with Daniel.

#: 309

So, my ‘lifestyle change’ is so up and down that it’s pretty crazy. I’m pretty good with my soda addiction. I’ve had it under control for months. I can have a sip here and there, and a can here and there, and whatever, and I don’t HAVE to drink it all the time. It’s a great feeling. To taste it and feel like it’s disgusting. WONDERFUL. I wish I could train my body to do that with other things that are bad for me.  Anyway… so I think with me it’s all a matter of getting into the habit of things… the scheduling of this here, this there, that there. Always making this a priority, etc. And I’m having trouble managing time that way. It feels good to exercise, but I can’t work myself up to do it easily. If I could do it regularlly I think it’d make it easier to meet my goals. I think I’d have more energy. I think I would be able to sleep better…

Anyway. Any words of encouragement? Any schedule suggestions? need me to write out what I do currently? Or rather what I’ll do in the fall?

#: 308

So… hello!
Basically I struggle to get on the good foot with eating right and exercising. It’s so hard to have the… or make the time to exercise. I work a lot, and I’ll be in school a lot. So I’m not sure how I’ll have time to exercise. I like to exercise at the gym, but I feel self conscious about doing it when people are there to watch me. One morning within the last two weeks I ran 10 laps in the gym. It was so nice. I was really stressed at the time and it just kinda… melted the stress away. So I think if I got into the habit of exercising it would be similar to an addiction. It would make my body work better, etc.

Anyway. I’m thinking that I might want to keep a blog here about my problems and successes. I want to get down to a size 12 or 14. Right now I can fit into some 18 stuff but I guess I’m more realistically a 20. It would be cool to be one  of those positive stories of weight loss and happiness, etc. :) I would like it for multiple reasons. a). confidence. My face is gorgeous. If I had the body to go with it, I’d be a knock out. b). My bf. This is a multilevel reason. He’d like me to be smaller for many reasons. One of which is my health, another is simple vanity, another is like… for our interaction. Like sitting on his lap more comfortably, picking me up, etc. c). Health. d). Being more active; ie. tumbling in the gym, etc. e). Curbing anxiety. Being obese is like… I’m pretty sure it affects the hormones. Not positive… but being active definitely curbs my anxiety a bit. But also… when you’re obese falling down or hurting yourself seems even more daunting with every extra pound. Try falling on your hands and knees with a 50 lb vest on. I’m sure that shit will hurt.

So? Who feels like cheering me to size 14? 12? 10? gasp :O 10 I guess will be my ultimate goal since that’s the avg for American women… I think. lol

#: 265

Heya. Any unhealthy people out there reading this? Well, I wanted to try to help you out. I’ve been thinking for a bit now about my mounting risk for health problems such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, etcetc. due to my weight, lifestyle, eating habits, etc.

For the past year, or more I’ve had my mind torment me with motivation to be a more healthy person. I have struggled with the starting point of the change of lifestyle. But I guess there was always that underlying fear of not being able to get healthy because of my psychological problems with food. So that factor alone would defeat my whole mindset, and I’d never start going with my fights against my unhealthy weight and lack of movement. I started multiple times with trying to drink water, with trying to exercise, etc.

However now, I really think I have the right motivation; prevention. If I start being healthy now, I don’t have to regret shit in 10 years. I don’t have to worry about my health as a demon when I’m trying to worry about raising my children and taking care of the house and husband, and job, etc. Even small changes in my lifestyle can make it so I’m doing that much more for myself. I’ve read that losing just 5-10lbs is that much better for you. And exercising even a little bit is better than none. So I know I’m an all or nothing kind of person, but I can’t do that with this. I gotta do what I can. I’m drinking water instead of soda. Anytime I crave it, I look at it and think, ‘It’s not worth diabetes.’ And it makes it that much easier. It’s better motivation than ‘I want to be healthy’. It’s a more specific reason. ‘I want to prevent the onset of these diseases, since I am able to prevent them.’ And on the way to prevention I’ll get rewards like looking, and feeling better.

I’m already taking active steps towards living this prevention lifestyle. They’re small steps, but you have to start somewhere. I’ve been actively putting less butter in my noodles, and less cheese. I want to try to eat smaller meals, more often. That will be really tough with my job, but I’ll do my best. I also want to make a list of ‘healthier’ foods that I think I will eat, or will be able to try to adjust to eating, instead of fast food everyday. I really would like to exercise everyday even if it’s a bit, but I really want to make the time to exercise at least an hour a day.

Anyway. I really want YOU to be healthier, too. Even if you’re skinny, you can’t eat crap all the time… you can still get sick, you can still get these diseases. I got lots of great information from this website, and if you have trouble getting motivation, maybe try prevention as your motivation.

Thanks for reading,

#: 256

Heya! Finally, a post.

Stuff has been CRAZY the last few weeks, for real. The gym is doing really well, it’s great for my sister and anyone else who put money into the business. I’m glad for them that it’s going well. It’s a catch-22 for me. It’s really great that we get more kids, because we get more staff, and it means less weight is lifted off my shoulders. But at the same time, having more people means I’m in there waayy more than I was in the beginning.

Anyway, having long hours makes me stressed on the weekends. I kinda wish my long days were more spread out. It’s kinda sad when I tolerate a 8-10 hour day really well, but then when I have a 12-14 hour day, I just lose my fuckin’ mind. Had a fight with my dad after one of those long days. Just absolutely lost my shit. We had a screaming match for a good 10 minutes, took me at least 30 to calm down.

Moving on… I’m REALLY proud of myself. Like super siked. Generally the way I have always worked, at least in the past… is getting what I want to get done all at once. If I don’t get it done all at once, I feel like I’ll never get it done. Same with when I want something. If I want to get something, my motivation is so great that if I don’t get it then, I feel like it’s no point in getting it later unless I get it then. IE. the webcam I got to do videos on facebook with people… Anyway, so my point is, I’m proud of myself because I’ve essentially done my room the way I want it, without having a huge allotted time to do it in. I’ve done it collectively over time, which is kind of unheard of for me. I had so much motivation to change my living space into something more livable and healthy, that I started around Thanksgiving break, continued in some of Christmas break, and bought my furniture, and have been making smaller efforts on my short days of work, or my Fridays off. Seriously, doing that kind of overhaul over time is something UNHEARD OF, for me. There are certain things I’d like to change that are somewhat out of my hands… but if you saw the before and after, you’d understand why I’m pleased. To a normal person my room currently would probably be terribad, but to me it’s getting better and being livable, and I’m already more cheery, even when things don’t go well at work, and I’m there long hours.

The things that are out of my hands are like… house repairs, sorta? Things that really… someone should be called in to fix. Or my dad, or some big burly man, or some butch lesbian should fix for me. Also, I’d like a new, clean door. I’d also like to scrape the SHIT that is smeared on my wall from my brother and the VOMIT that is on my wall from when my brother used to live here and he never cleaned it up. Yes, these are the sanitary conditions I have lived in my whole life. Power to my parents, right? Word. Anyway, steering AWAY from ranting now. I’d also like a new window (dad fix) in one of my windows, I’d like the hole in my wall to go away, as well as the hole in the ceiling, and maybe a new cooat of paint. I took the effort to vacuum on the ceiling and walls where cobb webs were, so that makes it feel more clean. I also started taking up tile in my room. There’s hardwood floor under it! It makes it look less dirty. The tile is so fucking GROSS. Like 30 years of grime and bullshit and yucky on them.  I haven’t finished taking the tile up yet. Each time I do one of these overhaul sessions, it takes a sincere toll on my body. Lift these heavy furniture boxes into my room, then putting the stuff together, then lifting pieces to fit onto other pieces, then moving them where I want them to go. All of that stuff. Generally furniture situations happen when you’re moving to a new place. So it’s exciting and you have friends come over and help you. Yeah, I don’t have that option. So I’m doing everything by myself. But my dad has to help me sometimes when I screw up.

Anyway, wanna see pictures? I got too into it and it’s hard to see progress I guess, lol. I thought I had more ‘in between’ pictures’ Buttt I guess not, too. >:

Progress, I swear! lol. Note the shovel...
See? Not really progress... just kinda done.
I hate to upset people... but honestly. I look fucking gay. In a bad way.
I can has floor! See how nasty the tile is? gross, son.
Duvet comforter from IKEA. All those colors are TOTALLY me.
I think this is showing that my bed is together. The biggest struggle has been finding space for all of my stuff while deconstructing and constructing furniture...
Nice bed. BIG bed. Gross window sill and walls... :(
Desk from IKEA. Took me FOR.EV.R. to put together. It made me cry. Literally. Not sure if you can see on the big version of it, but I scratched it all up in the process of putting it together.
There was this qt spider on the underbelly of my old mattress.
Magicians, fix my wall pls ;.;! I think you can tell in this picture that I don't have my shit together yet. I just put stuff down where I can until it has it's on 'place'. Need to organize. For real.
My 'in progress' clean room. Again, putting stuff where I can because it doesn't have it's on place yet! Grrr~

Tomorrow is my day off, and I think I’ll put together my dresser tomorrow. My desk literally took me 6+ hours to make, so I’m hoping I’m not nearly as challenged with the dresser, so I can make my dresser and my book shelves.

Anyway. It took lots of energy to compile this entry. I think I’ll go to sleep now. Wish me luck for tomorrow! Bob the Builder, can we do it? YES ME CAN!

#: 253

I’m not sure what I deserved to have such a shitty life. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t worship a deity, or because of all of my laziness. I don’t know what it is that makes it so I deserve all of this shit. I’m not sure if I’m just being a drama queen, or if it’s warranted that I think this has been the worst year of my life. Maybe life is a give and take kind of thing. So I guess in theory I got to see Daniel which was more than I deserved, so in turn I had to deal with death, stress, etc. all year.

Is it wrong for me to see all of it as unfair? Am I so selfish for feeling like life is unfair to me, when there are people in the world who don’t eat? When there are people in the world with cancer? When there are people in this world without a roof over there head or a meal in their stomach? Of course. I’m a brat for feeling like it’s unfair for me to work three 12 hour days in a row, and then have to come in the next day even though I had planned to have that day off. Of course I’m a brat, because my mom and brother are there all day just the same. And aren’t there people in the world who REALLY work for very little?

Then it must be wrong for me to think it’s unfair that I have been surrounded by death, for at the very least, the last 6 months. My aunt killed herself this past may. No one liked her, but my uncle did. Very much. He adored her. And everyone adores him. 6 weeks later my uncle died, from the same side of the family. The youngest of 5 brothers, dead. Michael Jackson died around the same time, and Farrah Faucett. People kept dying after that (not people I knew, but experiencing death first hand not long before made it touching in all the wrong ways to watch about these people dying. One of my mom’s cousins died shortly after the deaths on my mom’s side of the family. Our family bird, Wilbird died some time later. During these deaths more famous people died, and we all watched on TV about their lives and felt touched as if we knew them. More recently, a few weeks ago Jerry Walsh died. He was a family friend whom I saw just over the summer. Last weekend my baby, Cezzie died.

I always feel targeted when life shits on me. For months, nay, a year, I’ve wanted nothing more than to clean my room and repaint and refurnish so I could live in a livable space apart from the rest of this dumpster. I made a valiant effort over Thanksgiving break to clean my room so I could put new furniture in. I had planned to take the time to get it finished during some of the days of Christmas break. Today was going to be my first day for that. By ‘shitting on me’ I mean that it’s not enough for life to just have one thing thrown at me. Instead, one thing stresses me out and I don’t even have time to recover before something else stresses me out. I’m constantly trying to get over the fact that I don’t really have friends besides Daniel, and maybe Lizzie. And that’s always stressing, but then I have the added stress of my job, and wondering when I’ll see my boyfriend again, and the stress of my gecko getting sick, and the stress of taking her to a vet, and the stress of long hours at work, and the stress of spending money on Christmas, and the stress of living in this house, and the stress of my gecko dying, and the stress of self-loathing from not getting through school, and the stress of wanting to try school again but not having the money, and the stress of back to back long days at work, and the stress of worrying and stressing my boyfriend out, and the stress of not getting to do things I want to do, and the stress of finally having the motivation to do something (ie. clean my room), only to be shot down again by not being able to find the trash bags.

Why me, really?

I wish I never existed.

#: 204

As a more long term goal, within the next 2 years I want to save up for a down payment on a newish Jetta, TDI. :) I have good enough credit that I’m fairly certain I could get a good loan. I have an ‘excellent’ credit score.

Black 2009 Jetta TDI imo, kthx. 8)

#: 203

*breathes* Okay, hi.

Okay firstly, before I forget I wanted to put my goals for this year here. I was thinking on my commute to work this morning. There are lots of things that I’d like to do for the rest of the year that would make me feel better about myself, and probably will make me feel more healthy, too.

  • Come up with a gradually more intense and more frequent exercise schedule.
  • Eventually (before 2009 is over) be able to wear a size 16 jeans, or lower.
  • Weigh 190 or lower. (probably a 30-40 lb weight loss)
  • Try to eat a fruit a day. (using my calendar x method)
  • Feel less tired everyday. (from exercise and more healthy lifestyle)
  • Try to start eating breakfast everyday.

I think this was the biggest points for my goals to accomplish before 2009 is over. Sometimes when I think about it, I worry that people would criticize me for being vain and just trying to look better. Or that I’d criticize myself, cause when I think about it I worry myself… but I really want to feel better, too. I don’t think it’s just a ‘Look better for boys’ kinda thing. I think it’s a ‘Look better so I feel better and am not as self conscious, AND while I’m looking better I’ll feel better from a better lifestyle.’ Kind of thing.

I always look at girls that can wear certain things and I get very envious. I don’t think it’s so that I can impress other people, I think it’s so I can impress myself. xD I know that some guys find me desirable, and I don’t think I’m desperate for that sort of attention. I really just want to look at myself and be happy about how I look, and not feeling self conscious, because that’s such a terrible feeling. Before I die I want to look good in a wife beater, and I want to look at the lower half of my body and not be absolutely disgusted by my huge legs that are there.

Well anyway. On to less uplifting ideals. I’m getting nervous about seeing Daniel to the point where I feel like I’m going to be sick with worry. I need to try my hardest not to express my worries to him. I’ve already done it. I can’t be repeatitive and worry him, and smother him. I don’t want to bring him down. It’s really hard to do that because I always share everything with him, and I’m always honest even if it’s bad. But I really don’t want to smother him with my negativity.

I just keep feeling like… I hate seeing this imaginations of him and I being so happy together, and when we first meet just the lovey dovey stuff, because there’s a good possibility it won’t happen. We’ve both acknowledged the fact that it might not happen. I’m not worried to the point where I think life is over, etc. I think I kinda felt that way when Mike broke up with me, and when Crystal came out to Allen.

I guess I know that life isn’t over, and that there are other guys out there… and that I know I can get over a break up EVENTUALLY. I guess I’m old enough and mature enough to know all that. It’s just hard to think of it, of course. And this is a really hard situation, I think. I mean picture you’ve loved someone, and they you, for a year and a half, and then when you go meet them you realize you don’t have physical chemistry and there is no point in the relationship continuing, even though you’re the epitome of perfect when you interact online. Well, that whole scenario is a possibility that’s pretty scary in my case.

I hope it will be okay if we’re just friends while I’m there. I’ll have to really try to be a good sport about it, if it’s not mutual. For instance, if I love him while I’m there and he doesn’t, he just can’t feel the sparks IRL… that’ll be really hard. I’m staying there for like 2.5 weeks, and if I’m stuck with someone I love so much and they love me but can’t make the relationship work, that’ll be ridiculously hard, and I’m supposed to just have a good time no matter what, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to. It’ll be really hard.

It’s tough to think that Daniel and I have been through time and things that a lot of married couples haven’t been through. We’ve had to wait to meet, we’ve had to make really hard decisions. If the sparks aren’t there, we then have to make a decision that sucks too, that that fairytale love we had online really was just that, a fairytale. I dunno. It’s tough to think we’ve been through so much, and there’s still always the possibility that it won’t work out.

Well, I’m going to try to get to work. I feel epically depressed right now.