This is the ‘entry’ I wrote and saved to my desktop, since I didn’t feel like fixing emmie at the time…:
There are been several times where I wanted to write to Emmie, but couldn’t because of the stupid spam shit, or because my computer has been retarded. There’s just so much I want to say, and sadly right now I’m too tired to go over what I want to say. However I will mention Mika. Mika is my baby girl. She’s getting big now, though and she eats like a monster, I guess… you can hardly call her a baby girl, when she’s not nearly so harmless. I’ve some how managed to train her like a dog or something. She eats out of a fucking bowl. She also shits in her hammock, which makes it ridiculously easy to clean up. It’s so crazy, it really is. I’m glad I decided to get her. I miss my other girls… but I think Mika is a great addition to my geckos.
Cezzie was just… the light of my life, and I’m sad that I didn’t take better care of her. I feel like she didn’t need to get sick, I could’ve prevented it… so she didn’t have to die. With Baby… I don’t know, it’s hard to say. I guess I killed her too. I tried too hard. It’s still hard to think of it. I’m not sure everyone has a photographic memory like me, where behind my eyes I actually see it. I see it all over again. I can recall her dying in my hands as if I was watching a video of it on a camera, or online. I’m glad I don’t think of it much, as it was a horrific experience… but I guess there’s a first for everything… and everything happens for a reason? I don’t know. I hope Sammy will be okay. I’m tired… and read too much of my book. Death scares me, and I would like abreak from it for a while… but doesn’t every brat want that?
Hey Emmie,
Sorry I’m so emo, but I always have been. The last two weeks have been a mix of amazing and terrible. When Mike came back and we were friends again, it really helped me feel just… better. Having a friend, someone to talk to, besides Daniel, made me feel less lonely. It made my anxiety about my relationship go away a bit. It was really awesome for it to just happen like that. And for once it’s not like there’s some kind of romantic thing going on. We’re friends. If we were ever single, yes, we could have feelings for each other. But I like to stay grounded and if for whatever reason Daniel and I don’t work… I really don’t want to end up in another international relationship. It’s really hard.
Anyway. I wish I was a more adaptable person. I guess I am more so than I realize, but still. When the hustle and bustle of the day stops and I close my book for the evening, my mind just takes hold. I don’t know how put together I’ll be. And maybe it’s a bit dramatic. I’m not crying or shuddering or anything. But I do sit here and sigh with hunched shoulders and sadly close my eyes when I realized my ‘world’ from my last two weeks is gone. My everyday isn’t waking up and talking to that baby. My everyday isn’t worrying about talking to Mike when he should be sleeping. I don’t want it to revert to a month ago when I have panic attacks (a minimum) once a week, and cry daily because I hate my life. I’m past teen angst, I won’t necessarily let myself believe that he’s doing the whole disappearing thing again. And if he is, oh well such is life and I’ll get on with it. You gotta do what you gotta do. The logical, less-hormonefilled-girl part of me suggests that he’s on vacation this week, and it makes the most sense to actually hang out with people IRL and do social things on vacation rather then stay boarded up in your room talking to someone you’ve never met before. Makes sense to me.
Eh, well anyway. It’s not all bad. I finally completely switched to my new computer today. I had another mishap before having smooth sailing (of course, this machine is as moody as me, I’d say). I rode my bike to Bestbuy and had to buy a new wireless adapter. I had planned to simply use the adapter from my old computer, but the one I have is too old and not compatible with Windows 7. But yeah. I think I have majority of what I need installed. It’s kinda a wonder when you realize what little you actually use on a regular basis. But yeah. It’s quite stellar in comparison to anything I’ve owned, including my Mac. I think it’s the first computer I’ve ever owned that isn’t just getting by. It also is the first computer I’ve ever really had that is truly upgradable.
Sometimes I get very excited, ‘easily’ by other peoples’ standards. One of those things that just lit me up and made me smile and happy today, was an e-mail I received from a leopard gecko breeder in PA. I might actually have a place to get a baby that I want that is cute and ready for a mommy like me! I hope he won’t mind me posting them here. As a disclaimer these aren’t my geckos, I’m not selling them, etc. I’m only going to post the ones I’m interested in buying. There were more than this:
SHTCT (Super Hypo Tangerine Carrot Tail)
Blazing Blizzard baby
Mack Snow Bell Albino
They’re so fucking cute, I know. And I’m pretty torn. I’ve never even looked into a Snow Albino, and never looked into Bell Albinos, period. However, that is going to be a beautiful gecko. I can just tell. I mean they all will be, I’m sure. But the first two just look like ordinary geckos. The orange doesn’t stand out to me in the tangs, and a blizzard is a blizzard. If it had black eyes that’s one thing… but anyway. Tangerines are what I had been after when I bought baby (ended up with her, a patternless). The Blazing Blizzard is the closest thing to baby, but is more pinky/white, and she would’ve been more whitish/yellow when she grew up. The tangs are what I was originally in for, but it seems like I’m leaning towards the mack snow… but I already have a mack snow. I mean he’s just a regular old mack snow, and she’s more of a codominant w/ albino in there… so it’s like blahblah I dunno what to do! I want a baby though, that’s for sure. I’m glad baby is letting me feel okay about it so soon. I think she knows I need it. I need something/someone to take care of in my life that will demand my time and passion. A baby gecko would be perfect for the job…
It’s a very humbling experience to experience death first hand. I don’t mean finding something already dead. Of course, that is a humbling experience too. But having something that was alive, breathing, die while you’re sitting there witnessing it? Maybe I’m just dramatic, but it mentally seems to be a life changing event. It makes you feel less… angry at trivial things. My baby leopard gecko died in my hands today. I cradled her in my hands and watched her final twitches. I don’t want to think about it too much, because when I think of it that way it’s kind of a scary thing to think about. It’s something you think would only happen in a movie – never to you. But I guess it kind of already has happened to me. And maybe it traumatized me for life and it’s one of the reasons why death scares me to nearly an irrational point. When I was in 3rd or 4th grade my dog, Lottie killed my other dog, Muddie. She was torn up very badly and laying in shock on this pull-out mattress thing that was part of my bunk bed. I think I absolutely lost my mind, and it was my first, biggest episode with death in my life. I don’t remember that I actually watched her take her last breaths, but I remember my dad saying she was in shock.
Anyway. I’m very sure I saw my baby take her last breaths today. I don’t know how death works, but there were a few head things she did. She was so motionless in my hands. I had been trying to feed her this slurry stuff. It’s got pedialyte, and ensure, and mealworms, it’s like a protein shake for geckos who can’t eat. Or something. She had been moving sometimes when I was giving her it, like she’d get annoyed that I was trying to give it to her. And suddenly she stopped moving. I took her to the bathroom to give her a warm soak. She wouldn’t hold her head up. Previously when I gave her soaks, she would hold her head up. I started getting worried at that point. Sometimes she’d be so sleepy that I could touch her a few times and she wouldn’t respond. But it was different this time. She was so limp, and really not doing anything.I then really thought she was dead. When I kept moving her legs and they were just lifeless and non responsive. I started crying and talking to her and apologizing. In my head I was talking to ‘God’. But not really. I just wanted her to be okay. I had her in my hands and started thinking that my gecko was dying in my hands, and death scared me, and death was gross. But at the same time I was just torn with grief that this little thing that I’ve loved so much for 2 weeks… this little thing that has been my world, is not going to be my world anymore. My grief definitely won the battle. I was rocking back in forth wishing she was the type of pet you could just snuggle. Even though I knew she was dead, an icky dead corpse, I wanted to snuggle my baby and tell her I loved her and tell her it would be okay now, and tell her I’m sorry because she never had a name, and tell her I’m sorry because I didn’t save her. I held her and was hunched over and rocking a bit. I then looked close and saw her breathing. I got excited, and I guess that was the point where I really thought of ‘think-talking’ to ‘God’. And I kept chanting, ‘Please please please’, but of course she was really dying here. Her limps were lifeless. I would touch her and she would not respond at all. Then over the course of 5 minutes or so, she probably jerked her head faintly maybe.. 3-4 times in intervals. I assume that was an electrical response or something. Just her systems shutting down, using extra energy. After a few of those jerks I really stopped thinking it was her getting any ‘better’. Maybe the first one I thought she was fighting to stay alive. After that I just figured she was dying slowly… in my hands. I decided to put her back in her tank so she could rest peacefully. I stood there for a minute thinking about it first I think. Bawling my fucking eyes out, with my tiny gecko in my hands. I put her down on the paper towel, and of course I can’t lay her flat if she’s laying flat in my hand. I put her down and she was kinda tilted on her side… and she just kinda.. didn’t fix herself. It made me cry more and really just… made it a deafening roar that I could no longer escape. I put her hide over her even though she had to be gone. I think I said I love you and I’m sorry. I think my dad walked in the house not even 5 minutes after that.
As I was changing into work clothes in the bathroom I heard my dad taking off the top of the tank on her cage and moving stuff in there. By the time I was out, he was too, and it looked as if she wasn’t touched. I then told him my experience that I just listed here, and he said, ‘Well when I just went in there and held her… I don’t think she’s with us.’ I really kept my composure well. A few minutes after that, he said, ‘If she’s stiff before you get home, she won’t be there anymore.’ my response was, ‘Okay, please ut her with everyone else (wilbird and Cezzie in the front yard). ‘
My coworker, Brandon, who’s what I’d consider an acquaintance I guess, but could be a friend. He’s definitely a friend when we’re at work, but we’ve never hung out outside of work, but if we did I would consider him a friend. He came into my office when I was crying, I wiped my face and knew I couldn’t play actress, no way in hell. SO I just told him. He made it much easier for me to work. He hugged me multiple times and apologized and we talked for a good 10 minutes or so. It was really helpful, along with teaching kids I actually like. I didn’t necessarily care like I normally would… it was hard to stay positive and focused rather than lazy and looking at my watch every 30 seconds. But the cupcakes were a nice touch..
Driving up the hill on Plyers Mill Rd was hard. It was full of anxiety. I knew it was going to be devestating to not come home to that baby anymore. To come home and not have that need to help her… that want to have her in my life for a long time. What do you do? It’s life altering. I attach easily, and suck things into my life. If they’re taken away… how do you adjust? I don’t know. But as soon as we pulled into outside of our house and I walked up the steps, it got worse. I saw the fresh dirt and I teared up. I blew her a kiss and said I love you. I can’t wait until the pain subsides and it’s just normal to see her in the ground in the front yard instead of seeing her every morning in my room. God, I miss her so much.
Experiencing death that way is life changing. Experiencing sickness, experiencing just… a race against time. Trying to run from death, changes you. I tried to sprint with that baby, I tried sprinting from death with her in my hands. But I guess I don’t run very fast.
I love you, baby. Rest in peace, okay? I hope you’re not hurting anymore. I’m sorry I couldn’t take the pain away. I’m sorry you couldn’t eat so much like I know you wanted to. I would’ve fed you anything you wanted. I fucking hate crickets.
But I fucking love you.
Good night, sleepyhead.
P.S. The PC has windows on it now. But I could give a shit less.
So really. If I’m like this over a baby leopard gecko, I’m really concerned that I’ll be one of those gay overbearing parents to a real human child. I’ve been losing some sleep over this baby gecko. And I’ve had a gecko dream in the last week, etc. Today’s crisis has been going on off and on for a few days, but the temperature was so low today that I just kinda lost it a bit. I finally decided that the heating pad under baby’s tank is bad. I’d guess it’s been going on for at least 3 days. It would suddenly get cold in the tank. It was really stressing. I mean with Schnee if he has a few hours, or even a night or two in the cold I’m sure it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll find him dead. I think with the baby every little thing counts. The heat helps them digest properly, etcetc. And if they don’t have the proper head for some time (less extreme drop) they won’t eat as much (kinda like a hibernation-type deal). So yeah, I think the roller coaster temperature might be affecting my baby’s eating. I’d really like to get on a normal schedule of 3-5 crickets a day. I really loathe crickets, but I mean… if the baby likes crickets, I’ll just have to deal with that. Schnee and Cezzie were easy and would eat Superworms. Of course they like chasing crickets, but I really hate crickets. I have to catch them after they’re done eating, and they give disease, and sometimes they’re loose in my room… they’re just gross. I think when I go to the store today I might get some phoenix worms to see if baby will eat those. So far s/he is not big on worms. Wouldn’t eat a wax worm (high in fat, supposed to only serve as a ‘treat’ sort of deal… but wanted the fat for his/her tail), s/he ate one meal worm the first day s/he ate, but puked it out. Or didn’t digest it well, and it didn’t like… turn into poop. it was still a worm. So yeah. Only crickets so far, but hopefully when s/he is older we can start using a food source that is easier. Crickets are just fucking annoying.
Anyway, yeah. Any people who are faithful people hope/pray/wishuponastar for my baby to pull through. <3
I had recorded a video of me talking about what’s wrong, but it wouldn’t post so I think it was too long. The Gods like you people who take your time here! It was an 8 minute video which ended up with me crying! hallejuah you were not subjected to it.
Summary – When I lay in bed at night, I generally always end up thinking about death on some level or another. I worry about how I’ll function when this person or that person, or this pet or that pet dies. Sometimes I dwell so much and get so scared of the eventuality of death that I cry myself to sleep. My video essentially talked about my worries and concerns about my mental health as I think about these things every night. Every night. I explained how I was not depressed lately, or even overly stressed even though I have lots to be stressed about. I then went on to explain how I don’t trust mental health doctors simply because of the complexity of the brain; it makes me feel like they can’t possibly know what’s really wrong with me.
Anyway. The video went into more detail, but I should’ve gone to bed a long time ago.
Sometimes I think I have some sort of ‘gift’. It’s painful writing this, but I suppose I should. Sometimes in hindsight I wonder if certain things were precursors or warning signs, or just a sign in general. Last night my anxiety didn’t seem to be out of proportion. Neither were my hysterics this morning when I found my baby girl dead in her cage. Do you want the play by play? Okay.
I was talking to Nick and Daniel, and I remember professing my nervousness about giving Cezzie her medicine, because last night it was pretty traumatic for me. So I finally put my courage on, and went to give her her medicine. I took the top off of her tank as always, and she looked lifeless… but sometimes she looks that way when she is sleeping. And there have been many times in the past where I have just had that surge of anxiety run through my entire body where I wondered if she was alive. but this time was different. She was half laying on one of her hides that was in her tank. Usually if I move the hide she’s on, near, she’ll move in an angrily sort of way. This image is one of those things that will just stick with me. Similar to the image of Lottie going to sleep, and the vets calling her an angel. I can just see it so clearly as tho it just happened. Same with this, but it seems much more terrible. Cezzie’s stomach didn’t have it’s own shape when I moved the hide she was kind of laying on. So the part of her stomach that was on the floor was obviously on the floor. Then the part of her stomach that was on top of the hide, didn’t go back down to the ground, it stayed in the same shape of the hide, as if I never moved it. I immediately lost it. I started covering my eyes and my ears and screaming daddy. “Daddy!!”, <Dad>(he said somethign but I was too incoherent to remember) <Me> “Daddy I think she’s dead, Daddy omg daddy” My dad came into my room, my parents were in the living room having a conversation. I was turned away from her cage, I think I was already crying and freaking out, but I didn’t want to look again to see if she was dead. I asked him if she was dead. I don’t remember what happened but I collapsed to the floor and I was screaming. My dad held me and was rocking me and talking to me, I don’t remember what he was saying because I was not coherent. I was screaming ‘oh my god’ and ‘daddy’ and stuff like that. I asked him if she was dead, he said she was gone, I started shaking uncontrollably. I was shaking very badly and bawling uncontrollably as well. My dad squeezed me very tight which made my already bad breathing situation worse. he asked me if I wanted him to take her, I some how managed to communicate that I did. I don’t know where he took her. I was rocking on the floor and screaming and pulling my hair, and crying. The dogs went crazy and didn’t know what to do. At some point after that I stood up and looked in her empty cage and whined/cried mommy loud enough for her to hear. my legs were shakey and bearily held me up. She hugged me and what surprised me was when both of my parents held me it seemed as tho they were crying too. I guess I was in so much pain no one could bear but to sympathize. She asked if if she could do soomething, or I don’t know. but some how I communicated even though my legs were about to give out, taht I wanted water. At some point my mom asked me if she wanted to make a bag to put her in, and stuff like that. She found material for it, and a needle. But I still don’t know what my parents did with her.
It’s really painful reliving it, but I guess it does it more justice than ‘my day as fucking sucked, my gecko died, k bye’. For the 3 hours or more after it happened I was trying to talk to Daniel and I kept going over how guilty I felt, how I felt like it was my fault. I don’t know if it was her infection, or something else. Last night when I was putting her back in her tank I put her near the water, and after I put her down, she was walking into the water a bit, and her face got in it, and she got upset and thrashed. She kinda fell off the water container, and she was shaking her head, and she hit her head against one of the hides she hides in. I’m wondering if that whole incident is what killed her, or if her infection really was just too far along. Either way I wish she was still with me, and I wish I took better care of her. I’m glad I took her too the vet, but at the same time I have to have my reservations, and worry that the antibiotics were no good for her, or if whatever the vet did during the check up may have been bad.
I don’t know. What I do know is that my leopard gecko is dead at least 10 years too early. Ironically the thing that brought me back to earth a bit, most, has been my other leopard gecko. And looking at pictures of really pretty leopard geckos that breeders have.
You can’t replace anyone, no, not really. But you can find new people in life. But I’m not ready for a new person. losing her needs to sink in, I need to come to peace with the fact that my baby girl is gone.
2009 has been a terrible year. I feel like I have lost at least 5 years of my life through stress, anxiety and loss. My family has endured so much loss, even in the last 6 months. Felipe and I had a conversation about my version of optimism and his, and his makes more logical sense. However, that’s why I’m a pessimist. I think that I shouldn’t be optimistic because when bad things happen I won’t be as crushed. He thinks that optimism is essentially being able to get up after you fall, or not have things affect you that way. So I guess I’m just pessimistic for 2010. I hope I don’t, but I feel like I’ll lose Daniel. Whether it be my fault, or his, or a mutual thing… I just feel like it’s coming. I feel paranoid about it… so if I’ve had so much shit in 2009, I guess 2010 will be worse. I’m a terrible person who deserves it after all, am i rite?!
I have always had problems with stress and anxiety. I don’t handle stress well, and I slide down a slippery slope into anxiety-ridden physical problems real quick. Stress and anxiety affect me so badly that I have physical reactions. Physiological. It also just may be that I’m out of gas. I’m really not sure. I wish I could get into a healthy lifestyle rhythm. If I could I think my anxiety levels will go down, and I wouldn’t be as tired as much, and I could handle stress much better. However this is not how the situation is now.
I think I have very well placed barriers. My barriers go up when I am home so I don’t have a mental break down every time I’m in this house. If I didn’t have barriers in this house, like crazy firewalls, I think I’d have panic attacks every day. The problem with these barriers are, there so intense that I can’t do what I need to do. You get so accustomed to allowing living like this not drive you insane, that the pets suffer. I wish I could clean the rabbit’s cage without throwing up. The shit is mountained in the back of his cage. And my geckos cages are terrible. This is probably why Cezzie is sick. I wish I could have an equillibrium. I wish I could live here and function as a normal person. I wish I could keep my room clean even though there is a whole in my cieling and my walls are falling down, and the rooms outside of this one are just as cluttered as mine. I wish I wouldn’t get hurt to let my barriers down long enough to clean their cages regularly so they wouldn’t get sick.
What was the trigger for my emo, you may wonder? As I may have written, Cezzie’s eyes have been fucked for 2 or 3 weeks now, I took her to the vet about a week ago. I spent roughly $150 for the visit, and the antibiotics. Money, not a big deal, I just won’t go to college this coming semester. The fact that I feel like the medicine I’m giving her and/or him wanting me to drop her temperatures are making it worse… just tipped me off the edge tonight. I pick her up and she gently thrashes in my hand (not violently like you may be imagining), she just looks as though she’s shaking her head ‘no’. She’s also starting to hold her mouth slightly open, which is a new symptom. I’m wondering if she has a respiratory problem too. I’ve read that respiratory problems are caused by low temperatures, so I’m concerned that my vet’s suggestion on temperatures is wrong, and making her problem(s) even worse. The signs of a healthy gecko are still there, besides her eyes and mouth. She doesn’t look like she’s aggressively losing weight. However, I think from the last time I weighed her, until the vet, she lost 7 grams or so. I don’t know how significant that is… Her tail looks just as fat, her toes look like they may need a bit of calcium… And she pooped on me today, pooping is usually good. It’s runny which I assume is from the antibiotics.
I’m one of those people that needs to see improvement to feel better. When I took her into his office, she seemed better. Not she seems worse. Did this vet hurt my baby? I’m so concerned. I’m so worried. I wish I could talk to Daniel. There’s nothing he can do really, but I know he would want me to feel better, and maybe him wanting it would make it happen. I don’t know. I hope she’ll be okay.
Before I took her to the vet I read something on a forum or something about someone’s gecko’s eyes just sinking into their head. Cezzie was closing her eyes so hard that it looked like that. It made my stomach turn into knots. I was so freaked out. I’m so worried. I’m so worried that this doctor has fucked up even though he seemed to know what he was doing. I hate doctors. They have always been unreliable to me. But I have a voice. I can tell people what hurts, I can tell someone if I’m dying. My baby can’t, she doesn’t have a voice. I don’t know how bad it is. And I am shaking. I’m so worried. Maybe I need to go to bed. I hate crying myself to sleep.
I hate this house. I hate myself for not being good enough to be better than this house.
Soooo, when you know tomorrow is a snow day and you get to be home all day, what do you do?! Well I’ll tell you what I did, even though I felt like going to sleep the moment I woke up this morning at 8:15, I played the first tier of Guitar Hero IV on Medium. Not that I usually play on medium. But when you’re sleepy and had a long day, getting 98% is better than almost failing the songs (sometimes on Hard). It’s really quite liberating to be able to do what you want to do…
Anyway, the run down:
I took my Cezzie baby to a new vet today. I used to go to this place in Gaithersburg, which I wasn’t entirely comfortable with. But this place is good, this new place. (Even though I spent $150 ), It was interesting to see him handle her. The last vet (even though they were just doing a check up), they acted as though she was interesting and stuff. :s But this guy was really good, and I feel like I trust him. I felt bad for her most of the time though. He was squeezing her pretty hard. She was pissed off >: She has an infection and I noticed it from her eyes, but there’s also a problem in her mouth (he thinks it’s all related). He spent a good 2-5 minutes with moist q-tips, he was like.. gouging at her mouth. He kept showing me pus coming from her mouth. And I saw blood on the q-tips. It made me worried, but I hope she’ll get better with the medicine. I’m supposed to go back to them in 2 weeks. Eesh pets are expensive!
I didn’t get to say good night to Daniel. I was on my phone on MSN, because I was at a Ballet, and I think I was offline to him, but I was talking to Nick, so I guess I wasn’t offline to him. I guess hub just assumed I was offline cause of the ballet, and didn’t say good night :\! I hate those nights when we can’t say good night. Maybe it’s silly or foolish… but we have of our relationship, what we have, so let me alone.
<3,
sleepy alyx.
BTW, if you didn’t notice. IT’S SNOWING. No work tomorrow!
Overnight: Snow. Snow may be heavy at times. Additional snow accumulation of 4 to 6 inches. Lows in the mid 20s. Northeast winds 10 to 15 mph. Chance of snow near 100 percent.
Saturday: Snow. Snow may be heavy at times. Additional snow accumulation of 8 to 12 inches. Highs around 30. North winds 15 to 20 mph with gusts up to 30 mph. Chance of snow near 100 percent.
I have serious issues with stress. I get hyped up really easily. I’m curious to know if it runs in the family and that’s why half of my family have high blood pressure and diseases related to it, and the other half has issues with alcoholism.
Anyway. I can make theories about what this house does to all of us, but they’re only theories. I’ve only been out of this house and ‘living’ in a normal space for a max of 2 weeks at a time. So since I’ve only been out of this place for a max of 2 weeks at a time, I don’t know how much the physical place affects me. I always theorize that it does. I always theorize that my hygiene practices are better if I’m not here, my laziness isn’t as bad if I’m not here, and so on. I feel like such a horrible person and I just want something to blame it on.
When I first got my gecko, Cezzie, after my dalmatian, Lottie died, I treated her like any couple would treat a new born. I would constantly check the temperature, I would constantly clean her tank, I would change her water every other day. I would worry about the smallest things. Now I feel like I don’t even care. But I do. I don’t understand. I allow Cezzie and Schnee’s cages to get DISGUSTING. I don’t f eed them nearly as much as literature says to feet them. I don’t change their water. I just feel terrible that I neglect them so much. They look healthy, though. But something is wrong with Cezzie’s eyes. I noticed about a week ago. She had shedding stuck to one of her eyes. It looked better after I held her last week, and wiped her eyes with a wet q-tip. Now her eyes are really bad. Her pupils don’t dilate, and her eyelids look swollen. I almost had a panick attack when I saw her eyes tonight. I held her and was so worried. I wanted to fucking stab myself because of how I treat them. How can I do that? Why can’t I prioritize my time while I’m in this house? I put everything wrong first. I allow myself to be consumed with laziness. Seriously, when I am in this house it’s always a chore to take care of myself, my bed, my hygiene, my dogs, my pets in general. I hate that. I hate it so much. I wonder if I’m a horrible person, or if this house just sucks everything out of me. I hope it’s the latter. But there are times when I sit here and consciously think about how I need to take care of my geckos. And I don’t feel like it. Why am I like this? omg i’m such a terrible person. i don’t even deserve them. seriously, I don’t know what to do with myself.
Do I cry because I feel bad for them? Do I cry because I feel bad for me? Do I cry because I wish I was a better person? Why do you cry in a situation like this? Do you cry because you pity that your life sucks? But then isn’t that selfish, since you don’t even keep your geckos water dish clean and filled?
Why can’t you feel like taking a shower every other day isn’t a waste of your time, Alyx? It’s your hygiene. Why can’t you feel like brushing your teeth isn’t a hassle every night and morning? It’s your hygiene. Why can’t you feel like exercise is good for you, instead of boring? It’s your health. Why can’t you bring yourself to clean your room a few hours a day instead of all at once? It’s your health.
WHY CAN’T YOU FUCKING BE A BETTER PERSON, ALYX?
I need to move out. I need to be with Daniel. I’m going fucking crazy. I feel like pulling my hair. I feel a panic attack constricting my throat. It’s really sad that I’ve had so many panic attacks in my life, that I know how to make them stop happening. I can try to keep them to a point where I can still breathe, and I can not make a s cene and not have the hyperventilating.
Life is so fucking stupid and pointless. When you’re a kid, you want nothing more to be older so you can do everytthing adults do. When you get older you want nothing more than to be innocent and playful again. You want nothing more but the bliss, the ignorance. I wish nothing more than to go to a time where my problems consisted of what to ask for for Christmas, and why my dad won’t buy me a new bike. Life is my problem now. I’m sure a huge percentage of people my age are now graduated from college and pursuing a career, or going to grad school to further pursue what they want to do. (sorry I had to bawl for a little bit at the thought of my next sentence) And you know what I’m doing? Everything I didn’t want to do. As soon as I started working at Silver Stars, probably around 9 years ago, I decided I didn’t want to be in this dead end job of teaching gymnastics my whole life. here I am 23 years old, wasting my fucking life away in a sport I’ve hated my whole life.
i dont fucking know what to do.I’m seriously sitting here infront of my computer crying hard enough to the point where you make those noises. Those noises that just make you know how completely vulnerable to everything you are. I’m sitting here infront of my computer making those noises and thinking to myself that there is nothing to life that i have no future and that i’m a piece of shit that doesn’t do anything. I don’t have a license i’m 23 years old and i dont have a license. im 23 years old and i never do the dishes. im 23 years old and generally my mom still does the laundry. i’m 23 years old and my mom folds my clothes. im 23 fucking years old, and if my mom hasn’t done my laundry i wear dirty clothes. i’m such a piece of shit, it’s not even funny.
Why cant i take care of the things I have? why can’t i take care of myself? why am I so worthless?
I have to go to my job that i hate. the job that makes it so i cant see my friends. i gotta go to that job tomorrow morning, so I guess I should go to sleep.
), It was interesting to see him handle her. The last vet (even though they were just doing a check up), they acted as though she was interesting and stuff. :s But this guy was really good, and I feel like I trust him. I felt bad for her most of the time though. He was squeezing her pretty hard. She was pissed off >: She has an infection and I noticed it from her eyes, but there’s also a problem in her mouth (he thinks it’s all related). He spent a good 2-5 minutes with moist q-tips, he was like.. gouging at her mouth. He kept showing me pus coming from her mouth. And I saw blood on the q-tips. It made me worried, but I hope she’ll get better with the medicine. I’m supposed to go back to them in 2 weeks. Eesh pets are expensive!
Overnight: Snow. Snow may be heavy at times. Additional snow accumulation of 4 to 6 inches. Lows in the mid 20s. Northeast winds 10 to 15 mph. Chance of snow near 100 percent.
Saturday: Snow. Snow may be heavy at times. Additional snow accumulation of 8 to 12 inches. Highs around 30. North winds 15 to 20 mph with gusts up to 30 mph. Chance of snow near 100 percent.
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