Category Archives: Pets

Lifee!

Herro~
So… yeah. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I ended up failing that math class I was having anxiety about, along with 2 other classes I was taking. The reason why I ended up failing those classes is because I had a huge mental break down, basically. I wish I could take those classes off my record. It was one of those things where it was a bit of laziness, and a whole lot of mental instability. In theory I could’ve pulled it off, passed the classes, etc. However… the classes were so difficult and I had so much stress from other things that I guess I’m just… not that strong. But anyway, our puppy (he was only 2) died the week before finals, my grandmother died a few weeks before finals. I just kind of stopped doing homework and stuff.

Griff and me

I also failed my driving test that was scheduled on March 16th. That was right around finals, and… I just lost it. I was mentally fucked after failing that test. Completely upset. There wasn’t another available appointment until June 21st. Thankfully that time I took it I had a nice tester and she passed me. If I got the tester I had before, I would’ve failed. Pretty certain of that. However, now I have a license! Yay! Huge accomplishment as it took basically 10 years for me to get the whole process done and get over my fears… and I mean that kind of lightly. Every time I’m in the car I have some sort of anxiety.

Probably the most exciting thing that’s happened in the last 6 months (besides the license) has been my doom in California. Basically, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks… and then I had surgery, and then I recovered for probably a week (at home), then I was back to work. I have a few scars and a shrunken stomach. My ordeal was insane. It started here at home. I actually posed about it twice I didn’t have problems for a long time. I kept calling the scheduling people and they never scheduled my fucking surgery. Well, my surgeon told me that if I didn’t get it taken care of I’d end up in the hospital, and I did. And the gallstone(s) blocked my pancreas, and I had pancreatitis, which is probably the second most painful thing I’ve felt in my life, and that’s only second to post-operation pain. I had an inflamed pancreas for a weak and a half, I was on insane pain killers and even that didn’t help half the time. I went to California for Nationals competition that I coach every year, and actually now that I think about it this is the first one I’ve missed in … forever? They couldn’t do the surgery in California, so they made sure I could drink and eat (even though that makes pancreatitis worse) and took me off the IV. I was on an IV for 2 weeks, my stomach shrunk, and I lost roughly 15 lbs. The first few days out of the hospital were horrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat… I had depressive thoughts, it was horrible. As soon as I could get back to going to work everything started getting better. But actually, it got better the first night I was able to sleep through the night. I think I had a drug dependency for a few days after I left the hospital, however I didn’t take my prescription Vicadin because it gave me really scary nightmares. I had a lot of bruises and stuff from IVs and people fucking up IVs and people taking blood.

Jaundice in my eyes:
Jaundice

Bruise from blood being drawn:
Bruise

My pain medicine made me really hot… or it may have been a fever from an infection or something:
Ice

This was the first thing I got to ingest through my mouth that wasn’t medicine… for 5 days. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for the better part of 2 weeks.
yum

This was my third IV in a week? a week and a half? This was my least favorite one. The one in my hands made it easier to sleep. This one was a pain, it made my IV machine go off… ALL OF THE TIME!
IV

This hand was pricked multiple times, had an IV in it, was swollen and bruised for a long time… it still hurts to the touch.
hand

Being in the hospital was pretty horrible. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even really text people or anything… I was just tired and in pain all of the time. I don’t think I got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row at a time. I’m so thankful I’m better now and shouldn’t need to be in the hospital like that again.

I’m happy to be independent and driving now, I drive to and from work every day and it’s very comfortable for me. Driving other places make me uncomfortable because I have to plan how to get there and if I’ve never been there… yeah right… not sure how that will work. I like to know what’s going on and I don’t like last second changes, and if I don’t know where I’m going or what lane to be in, it creates anxiety for me. I want to go to my uncle’s house, but it’s an hour and a half away. I know how to get there but I’m scared to go on the interstate… merging scares me. I want to go to my sister’s house, but I have to go on the interstate. I want to go to my friend’s house, but I’ve never driven there myself so I feel like I won’t know what lanes to be in when and then I’ll have to last minute maneuver and that stresses me out. I guess I’ll get over all that eventually…

Eric and I are fine, it took us some adjusting after I got out of the hospital. I think it was probably hard for both of us because we didn’t talk to each other much in that two weeks, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of us, we always talk and say hi, how are you, etc. We always tell each other about the day… but I was in pain, so there was nothing to my day. I was too tired and in too much pain to want to socialize… it was really sad. I’ve never laid in bed like that in my life. I went to visit him at the end of May. It was so much fun, we had an absolute blast.

I am very excited because I’m going to an online school and I’m getting a bachelors in Web Design. I start classes in about 2 weeks and I’m really happy about it. I hope it’ll be okay, it is a lot, and it is a condensed semester. (8 weeks). If I had the funding, I could get my degree done by the end of spring, but I really don’t have the funding for it, and I guess I should take my time and use my financial aid since I have it. I’m taking some programmy classes which I’m kinda… excited and nervous about. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I guess nothing is more shitty than math, and I guess it’s not really math. I would love to make websites for a living and be happy doing it, but I know I want to teach sometime in my life, and I might want to be an Occupational Therapist if I can get through the schooling for it. Anyway, I have to go to work early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed.

Night, Emmie!
<3, Alyx

I always have to say goodbye too soon…

He deserves much more than the short post I will write. But I’m hurting too much, and am too drained to really write a very long and heartfelt, thoughtful entry about how much I love him.

My gecko, Schnee died tonight. He has been sick for months, but I didn’t take it seriously until he was more visually sick; losing lots of weight. So really, it was too little too late. I wish money fixed everything. I really wish it did. But at the same time, I’d go into serious debt to fix things if money fixed everything. In the past week I have spent $300+ in vet bills on trying to save him, plus check ups for my other gecko. It’s money I don’t have, but when you care about something so much, you have no choice. Literally you have no choice. If it took selling possessions at the chance that he would be healthy again, I would’ve done it. I have no lost both of my original geckos (Cezzie and Schnee) before they were 5. I think Cezzie just made it to 4, and Schnee was about to turn 4 on April 16th…

I am now terrified to go to sleep, because sleep means awakening. Awakening means feeling the loss fresh and new in the morning. The morning after… is generally the worst. the drop in the stomach the anxiety… just everything. Now I get to deal with that.

Hurrah

Panic Attack, Commence.

I honestly don’t remember the last time I have been this overwhelmed. You know when one thing after another just completely topples you and you have no choice but to crumple and cry? And then as you crumple and cry, all those things you normally have a barrier against just pound you with a force that is unfathomable. I come home from the vet with my geckos, and I had already been crying and freaking out. Then I’m home, settled in, about to do my homework. And Griff is whining and Nessa is barking at him. I yell at them, it keeps going. I just lose it. I really just lose it. I start crying and freaking out because it dawns on me – my life fucking sucks. You ever have those moments? Where just one moment cracks your fucking shell, and everything wooshes in and tsunami’s all your hard earned self-defenses. Suddenly I look around and my surroundings wound me, when normally I have to have a shield to live in this shit hole. Seriously, everything dawns on me at once:

1) I am vulnerable and can’t go to my boyfriend because
a. He doesn’t understand me and my geckos.
b. We had a fight last night and we haven’t spoken since.
2) My boyfriend lives thousands of miles away, and I only get to see him once a year.
3) School consumes me and it continually brings me stress because I’m never on top of things.
4) My gecko whom I’ve had for almost 4 years is rapidly declining.
5) I live in squalor.

I know there are other things I could add to this list, but these are the main points of, ‘I fucking hate my life.’ I won’t kill myself or anything, I can’t imagine ever doing that, although sometimes I do with I could just disappear and not exist, which would not be similar to committing suicide, because it wouldn’t knowingly affect those around me, because I would be deleted from history. But, alas, it is not possible… so, moving on.

One thing that got me to calm down so quickly, was Nessa. She has a lot of Lottie in her. She’s not ‘my’ dog, and doesn’t cling to me like ‘my dog’ does, but as soon as I broke down, she rushed to my aid. Griff kind of did too, but he was torn between whining and hurting my ears, and helping me feel better. It’s so amazing how some dogs are just so empathetic. Lottie was very empathetic like that. Charlie isn’t, which often drives me nuts. She always wants my attention, but when I need her she’s just on my bed eating a pig’s ear while Nessa and Griff try to fix me. Now that I’ve calmed down some and I am not in a ball bawling like a school child, the too helper-dogs are sleeping, and I am left alone with my fears of Schnee dying on me. Don’t you wish money could fix everything? I wish it did. I would spend every cent and willingly go into debt if it meant he won’t die. In the past week I have spent over $300 on my geckos.

Because of my anxiety, I also am paranoid. Daniel hasn’t left me any messages, and hasn’t been online. So I don’t know if that means he just won’t come online, and just won’t talk to me… or if I’m just being paranoid.

Despite my grief-stricken, anxiety-stricken state… I have a lot of work to do for school. I think I will take a shower and then try to focus on something besides my baby dying. My vet didn’t tell me to force feed him, but I’m going to. I can’t just sit back while my baby is dying. They force fed him at the vet today. Grief brings on this mood in me where I wish I was religious and I wish I could depend on God to fix all my problems. But I can’t do that. As far as I know, God doesn’t exist. I’ve never seen him, I’ve never heard him. ‘Him’, excuse me. But I just wish wishing worked. I wish praying worked. I wish anything will say him.

My vet said, “We’ll hope.”

Please hope… or pray… or wish, or give your thoughts to my baby.

#: 323

So the thing on my mind today is that I wish I had the time and energy to be multilingual. I think it would be a fantastically wonderful gift and skill in life to be able to fluently speak in many languages. I like to try to do Rosetta Stone at least once a day, to keep my Portuguese in check. (even though it’s not much) I feel like if I practice daily I’ll be in a better place then binging here and there. I just looked at the log in screen and saw these other languages installed besides Portuguese and I thought to myself, ‘Man I wish I had the time to be fluent in all these languages, or at least have decent progress in Rosetta Stone. I’m actually curious to know; how much of each language do you know when you finish all Rosetta Stone has to offer. Are you really fluent? Can you go to one of those countries and have some native speaker say to you, ‘Wow, where did you learn your French?’ or whatever language it may be? I’m curious about that. It makes me really wish I could find the drive and motivation to finish the Portuguese one. Or at least finish the first disc of it. I’ve never even come close. Not even half way. It makes me wonder, truly.

On another note… SCHOOL SHIT.

So, it’s been kind of stressful for the last few days because I got a letter in the mail saying I was suddenly ineligible for my financial aid that I was accepted for previously. (basically I applied for financial aid for both semesters at the beginning of last semester, so since last semester I was expecting financial aid for this semester, so I didn’t save any money to pay for school myself… because I knew it was essentially covered. Anyway so I scrambled. Looked online a lot, found appeal papers, also found that there was a scholarship I could apply for by today… so I did that and went to the financial aid office and found the rundown on appeals. Turns out I’ll have to pay for tuition myself anyway and I’ll have to get reimbursed. (assuming my appeal goes through… or I get the scholarship… or both :\) :( Anyway.

I also had the stress of losing power for an extensive amount of time while I own cold blooded geckos. Yeah, that was fun. Schnee was STRESSED to hell. It was scary and sad. I woke up every 1.5 hours to give them hot water bottles (we have a gas hot water heater… THANK GOD!) It got really cold though, so they were stressed by the time the night was over, and by mid day of the next day… it was down right shitty for them. We took them to the gym (where we had power, heat, etc) and they’re still there because we’re expecting more bad weather this week…

Anyway. I had a great day at school today. Looking forward to the semester!

#: 320

Soo, hello. :) I got back from Brazil yesterday. It was a considerably better visit than the first time I went. I think the first time was; ‘Let’s see if we really love each other, and maybe let’s impress each other a bit…’ This time it was really just ‘let’s spend time together and be ourselves.’ Time was too short, and we both got sick which means we could’ve had better time together had we not been sick, but fortunately we weren’t sick for long. Luckily it wasn’t a week-long episode of being sick for either of us since we only had 2 weeks together! It’s been a pretty intense 3 weeks for me. Up, down, up, down! Right now I’m trying to adjust to being in this house again with out Daniel or his family keeping me sane and healthy. I’ve been doing loads of laundry all day. I managed to feed myself, tho! :) However my body is already reacting badly to going back to eating processed foods. In Brazil I was eating ‘real’ food the whole time… then I come back and eat stuff like subs and powered soup (Lipton’s). Lol.

While I was gone my room was absolutely destroyed by the dogs. I am trying to fix the aftermath but it’s difficult to keep myself moving with these chores of laundry and picking up trash and such. I’m only easing myself into cleaning, not diving into it like I normally do. I guess something is better than nothing, right? Anyway… so basically my desk has shelving above my monitor. 2 shelves and then ontop is a row of books spaning across the entire top of the desk. On one of the shelves above my monitor I had 2 syrups for milk (my niece gave me a ‘chocolate milk blender’ for Christmas last year). Apparently Griff (the huge Neopolitan Mastiff puppy) got down the chocolate syrup and dirtied pretty much everything in my room. Ontop of that I pretty much have no remaining survivors of the plushie persuasion. My dragon from Dave and Busters, Elmo from Dave and Busters, Oscar from Dave and Busters, and numerous others have been maimed in someway or another and will just have to go in the trash. No reason in keeping a plushie with his stuffing coming out. (unless he’s very special for one reason or another)

Onto the more traumatizing things: Most traumatizing is that somehow the dogs knocked over Mika’s terrarium. Mika is my baby leopard gecko who’s not even a year yet. Apparently my dad had to search my whole room for her; we’re lucky she wasn’t eaten by a dog, or that any of the stuff that fell out of the tank with her didn’t crush her. When I was at the beach we didn’t have internet and I had to use a lan house to communicate with my family. When I heard this news I literally had a panic attack in the lan house. Daniel had to type to my dad for me and it took me a considerable amount of time to stop crying and shaking. After thinking about it and thinking about it, I think I’m so lucky and grateful that something didn’t happen to her. She didn’t even drop her tail… What if something crushed her? What if a dog ate her? x_x omg I would’ve lost my fucking mind, for real.

Anyway, next traumatizing thing. On the top shelf after the syrup one, I had 2 dolls that my grandmother gave me. She crocheted their outfits and everything. They’re beautiful and could remind me for a long time of her awesomeness. Well anyway, some how they got the dolls down. I’ve since found one. She seems in decent condition but her hair looks like some was ripped out. The other one I haven’t found yet… I hope she’s ok. :s

Next on the list: my bed. Apparently when the chocolate fiasco took place, my dad took all the bed clothes off my bed and washed them. However, when he did that he exposed my matress. My mattress is no longer in pristine condition. The dogs have made it all dirty, which makes me sad. I’m sure you can probably spot clean a mattress, but it would be pretty impossible in this house to move it outside to clean/dry it. :( It was also pretty shitty to just wanna go to sleep, but have to clean everything and make my bed and stuff. Plus, there’s a huge hole in my sheet. Wtf is that bullshit?

Next: My earrings. I keep my earrings in a small (no bigger by 5in by 5in) ceramic turtle that I bought in Mexico. I keep it on the same shelf as the syrup. It’s been knocked down and who knows where the fuck all my earrings are now. :(

Anyway. Despite my room being a disaster, and my hard time adjusting to being home again… I really had a wonderful time while I was with Daniel in Brazil. We were quite happy and only had a few altercations. When you are with someone 24/7 you’ll have altercations. Lol. Some of them were me catching an attitude from bleeding. Some of them were really just me being a brat, or him being a brat, or both. We generally got over these fights quickly though. Online I’m not sure they’d disappear as quickly. I guess there’s something about seeing the look of your love being so pissed that you hate to see and do anything to stop.

Anyway. I’ve been doing laundry all day and am now trying to figure out my future semesters at MC to prepare for University of Maryland.

See ya. :)

#: 312

So… yeah. Anxiety? Yes. Encompassing me.

So a week or so ago, I asked my dad to get me mealworms for Mika. I even was like ‘Oh you know, if they have the bigger ones, can you get those?’ And he did. When he gave them to me, I looked and they were perfect sized! But I smelled something kinda… sweet? Coming from them? It was kinda weird. So I took the butt-end of a spoon that was on my desk and kinda poked around the bedding. (generally with food for my pets I just pick them up with my hands… but I was worried of the smell… and I don’t like touching corpses.), Anyway… so just now I went to give Mika some of those mealworms… oh btw, I asked my dad if he spilled something in them, he said no, that they showed them to him at the store and they looked fine. K, so just now when I started pulling them from the top and putting in her bowl, I started flashing back to me digging at it with a spoon. So I did it again… FUCKING MOLD. MOLD IN THE BEDDING OF THE FOOD THAT I GIVE TO MY PET!

Anxiety completely rushed over my stomach and my mind in a shocking quickness. I thought ‘I cannot in good conscious give these to my pet.’ What if they eat the mold, and then she eats the moldy mealworms and gets sick? That’s JUST what I need. My healthy baby gecko to get sick because I fed her moldy mealworms. I’m hooping like hell that whatever produced the mold wasn’t in the worms I gave her the first time. I really hope not. I hope she won’t get sick because I gave her bad food. I’m so upset. I hope my little Mikachu will be okay. She’ll be so mad at me for not feeding her, but I can’t give her food if I know there’s a chance of her getting sick. I just can’t.

Yeah…

#: 300

WOOOOO 300!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

This is the ‘entry’ I wrote and saved to my desktop, since I didn’t feel like fixing emmie at the time…:

There are been several times where I wanted to write to Emmie, but couldn’t because of the stupid spam shit, or because my computer has been retarded. There’s just so much I want to say, and sadly right now I’m too tired to go over what I want to say. However I will mention Mika. Mika is my baby girl. She’s getting big now, though and she eats like a monster, I guess… you can hardly call her a baby girl, when she’s not nearly so harmless. I’ve some how managed to train her like a dog or something. She eats out of a fucking bowl. She also shits in her hammock, which makes it ridiculously easy to clean up. It’s so crazy, it really is. I’m glad I decided to get her. I miss my other girls… but I think Mika is a great addition to my geckos.

Cezzie was just… the light of my life, and I’m sad that I didn’t take better care of her. I feel like she didn’t need to get sick, I could’ve prevented it… so she didn’t have to die. With Baby… I don’t know, it’s hard to say. I guess I killed her too. I tried too hard. It’s still hard to think of it. I’m not sure everyone has a photographic memory like me, where behind my eyes I actually see it. I see it all over again. I can recall her dying in my hands as if I was watching a video of it on a camera, or online. I’m glad I don’t think of it much, as it was a horrific experience… but I guess there’s a first for everything… and everything happens for a reason? I don’t know. I hope Sammy will be okay. I’m tired… and read too much of my book. Death scares me, and I would like abreak from it for a while… but doesn’t every brat want that?

#: 291

Hey Emmie,
Sorry I’m so emo, but I always have been. The last two weeks have been a mix of amazing and terrible. When Mike came back and we were friends again, it really helped me feel just… better. Having a friend, someone to talk to, besides Daniel, made me feel less lonely. It made my anxiety about my relationship go away a bit. It was really awesome for it to just happen like that. And for once it’s not like there’s some kind of romantic thing going on. We’re friends. If we were ever single, yes, we could have feelings for each other. But I like to stay grounded and if for whatever reason Daniel and I don’t work… I really don’t want to end up in another international relationship. It’s really hard.

Anyway. I wish I was a more adaptable person. I guess I am more so than I realize, but still. When the hustle and bustle of the day stops and I close my book for the evening, my mind just takes hold. I don’t know how put together I’ll be. And maybe it’s a bit dramatic. I’m not crying or shuddering or anything. But I do sit here and sigh with hunched shoulders and sadly close my eyes when I realized my ‘world’ from my last two weeks is gone. My everyday isn’t waking up and talking to that baby. My everyday isn’t worrying about talking to Mike when he should be sleeping. I don’t want it to revert to a month ago when I have panic attacks (a minimum) once a week, and cry daily because I hate my life. I’m past teen angst, I won’t necessarily let myself believe that he’s doing the whole disappearing thing again. And if he is, oh well such is life and I’ll get on with it. You gotta do what you gotta do. The logical, less-hormonefilled-girl part of me suggests that he’s on vacation this week, and it makes the most sense to actually hang out with people IRL and do social things on vacation rather then stay boarded up in your room talking to someone you’ve never met before. Makes sense to me.

Eh, well anyway. It’s not all bad. I finally completely switched to my new computer today. I had another mishap before having smooth sailing (of course, this machine is as moody as me, I’d say). I rode my bike to Bestbuy and had to buy a new wireless adapter. I had planned to simply use the adapter from my old computer, but the one I have is too old and not compatible with Windows 7. But yeah. I think I have majority of what I need installed. It’s kinda a wonder when you realize what little you actually use on a regular basis. But yeah. It’s quite stellar in comparison to anything I’ve owned, including my Mac. I think it’s the first computer I’ve ever owned that isn’t just getting by. It also is the first computer I’ve ever really had that is truly upgradable.

Sometimes I get very excited, ‘easily’ by other peoples’ standards. One of those things that just lit me up and made me smile and happy today, was an e-mail I received from a leopard gecko breeder in PA. I might actually have a place to get a baby that I want that is cute and ready for a mommy like me! I hope he won’t mind me posting them here. As a disclaimer these aren’t my geckos, I’m not selling them, etc. I’m only going to post the ones I’m interested in buying. There were more than this:

SHTCT (Super Hypo Tangerine Carrot Tail)
Blazing Blizzard baby
Mack Snow Bell Albino

They’re so fucking cute, I know. And I’m pretty torn. I’ve never even looked into a Snow Albino, and never looked into Bell Albinos, period. However, that is going to be a beautiful gecko. I can just tell. I mean they all will be, I’m sure. But the first two just look like ordinary geckos. The orange doesn’t stand out to me in the tangs, and a blizzard is a blizzard. If it had black eyes that’s one thing… but anyway. Tangerines are what I had been after when I bought baby (ended up with her, a patternless). The Blazing Blizzard is the closest thing to baby, but is more pinky/white, and she would’ve been more whitish/yellow when she grew up. The tangs are what I was originally in for, but it seems like I’m leaning towards the mack snow… but I already have a mack snow. I mean he’s just a regular old mack snow, and she’s more of a codominant w/ albino in there… so it’s like blahblah I dunno what to do!  I want a baby though, that’s for sure. I’m glad baby is letting me feel okay about it so soon. I think she knows I need it. I need something/someone to take care of in my life that will demand my time and passion. A baby gecko would be perfect for the job…

#: 290

It’s a very humbling experience to experience death first hand. I don’t mean finding something already dead. Of course, that is a humbling experience too. But having something that was alive, breathing, die while you’re sitting there witnessing it? Maybe I’m just dramatic, but it mentally seems to be a life changing event. It makes you feel less… angry at trivial things. My baby leopard gecko died in my hands today. I cradled her in my hands and watched her final twitches. I don’t want to think about it too much, because when I think of it that way it’s kind of a scary thing to think about. It’s something you think would only happen in a movie – never to you. But I guess it kind of already has happened to me. And maybe it traumatized me for life and it’s one of the reasons why death scares me to nearly an irrational point. When I was in 3rd or 4th grade my dog, Lottie killed my other dog, Muddie. She was torn up very badly and laying in shock on this pull-out mattress thing that was part of my bunk bed. I think I absolutely lost my mind, and it was my first, biggest episode with death in my life. I don’t remember that I actually watched her take her last breaths, but I remember my dad saying she was in shock.

Anyway. I’m very sure I saw my baby take her last breaths today. I don’t know how death works, but there were a few head things she did. She was so motionless in my hands. I had been trying to feed her this slurry stuff. It’s got pedialyte, and ensure, and mealworms, it’s like a protein shake for geckos who can’t eat. Or something. She had been moving sometimes when I was giving her it, like she’d get annoyed that I was trying to give it to her. And suddenly she stopped moving. I took her to the bathroom to give her a warm soak. She wouldn’t hold her head up. Previously when I gave her soaks, she would hold her head up. I started getting worried at that point. Sometimes she’d be so sleepy that I could touch her a few times and she wouldn’t respond. But it was different this time. She was so limp, and really not doing anything.I then really thought she was dead. When I kept moving her legs and they were just lifeless and non responsive. I started crying and talking to her and apologizing. In my head I was talking to ‘God’. But not really. I just wanted her to be okay. I had her in my hands and started thinking that my gecko was dying in my hands, and death scared me, and death was gross. But at the same time I was just torn with grief that this little thing that I’ve loved so much for 2 weeks… this little thing that has been my world, is not going to be my world anymore.  My grief definitely won the battle. I was rocking back in forth wishing she was the type of pet you could just snuggle. Even though I knew she was dead, an icky dead corpse, I wanted to snuggle my baby and tell her I loved her and tell her it would be okay now, and tell her I’m sorry because she never had a name, and tell her I’m sorry because I didn’t save her. I held her and was hunched over and rocking a bit. I then looked close and saw her breathing.  I got excited, and I guess that was the point where I really thought of ‘think-talking’ to ‘God’. And I kept chanting, ‘Please please please’, but of course she was really dying here. Her limps were lifeless. I would touch her and she would not respond at all. Then over the course of 5 minutes or so, she probably jerked her head faintly maybe.. 3-4 times in intervals. I assume that was an electrical response or something. Just her systems shutting down, using extra energy. After a few of those jerks I really stopped thinking it was her getting any ‘better’. Maybe the first one I thought she was fighting to stay alive. After that I just figured she was dying slowly… in my hands. I decided to put her back in her tank so she could rest peacefully. I stood there for a minute thinking about it first I think. Bawling my fucking eyes out, with my tiny gecko in my hands. I put her down on the paper towel, and of course I can’t lay her flat if she’s laying flat in my hand. I put her down and she was kinda tilted on her side… and she just kinda.. didn’t fix herself. It made me cry more and really just… made it a deafening roar that I could no longer escape. I put her hide over her even though she had to be gone. I think I said I love you and I’m sorry. I think my dad walked in the house not even 5 minutes after that.

As I was changing into work clothes in the bathroom I heard my dad taking off the top of the tank on her cage and moving stuff in there. By the time I was out, he was too, and it looked as if she wasn’t touched. I then told him my experience that I just listed here, and he said, ‘Well when I just went in there and held her… I don’t think she’s with us.’ I really kept my composure well. A few minutes after that, he said, ‘If she’s stiff before you get home, she won’t be there anymore.’ my response was, ‘Okay, please ut her with everyone else (wilbird and Cezzie in the front yard). ‘

My coworker, Brandon, who’s what I’d consider an acquaintance I guess, but could be a friend. He’s definitely a friend when we’re at work, but we’ve never hung out outside of work, but if we did I would consider him a friend. He came into my office when I was crying, I wiped my face and knew I couldn’t play actress, no way in hell. SO I just told him. He made it much easier for me to work. He hugged me multiple times and apologized and we talked for a good 10 minutes or so. It was really helpful, along with teaching kids I actually like. I didn’t necessarily care like I normally would… it was hard to stay positive and focused rather than lazy and looking at my watch every 30 seconds. But the cupcakes were a nice touch..

Driving up the hill on Plyers Mill Rd was hard. It was full of anxiety. I knew it was going to be devestating to not come home to that baby anymore. To come home and not have that need to help her… that want to have her in my life for a long time. What do you do? It’s life altering. I attach easily, and suck things into my life. If they’re taken away… how do you adjust? I don’t know. But as soon as we pulled into outside of our house and I walked up the steps, it got worse. I saw the fresh dirt and I teared up. I blew her a kiss and said I love you. I can’t wait until the pain subsides and it’s just normal to see her in the ground in the front yard instead of seeing her every morning in my room. God, I miss her so much.

Experiencing death that way is life changing. Experiencing sickness, experiencing just… a race against time. Trying to run from death, changes you. I tried to sprint with that baby, I tried sprinting from death with her in my hands. But I guess I don’t run very fast.

I love you, baby. Rest in peace, okay? I hope you’re not hurting anymore. I’m sorry I couldn’t take the pain away. I’m sorry you couldn’t eat so much like I know you wanted to. I would’ve fed you anything you wanted. I fucking hate crickets.

But I fucking love you.

Good night, sleepyhead.

P.S. The PC has windows on it now. But I could give a shit less.

#: 284

So really. If I’m like this over a baby leopard gecko, I’m really concerned that I’ll be one of those gay overbearing parents to a real human child. I’ve been losing some sleep over this baby gecko. And I’ve had a gecko dream in the last week, etc. Today’s crisis has been going on off and on for a few days, but the temperature was so low today that I just kinda lost it a bit. I finally decided that the heating pad under baby’s tank is bad. I’d guess it’s been going on for at least 3 days. It would suddenly get cold in the tank. It was really stressing. I mean with Schnee if he has a few hours, or even a night or two in the cold I’m sure it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll find him dead. I think with the baby every little thing counts. The heat helps them digest properly, etcetc. And if they don’t have the proper head for some time (less extreme drop) they won’t eat as much (kinda like a hibernation-type deal). So yeah, I think the roller coaster temperature might be affecting my baby’s eating. I’d really like to get on a normal schedule of 3-5 crickets a day. I really loathe crickets, but I mean… if the baby likes crickets, I’ll just have to deal with that. Schnee and Cezzie were easy and would eat Superworms. Of course they like chasing crickets, but I really hate crickets. I have to catch them after they’re done eating, and they give disease, and sometimes they’re loose in my room… they’re just gross. I think when I go to the store today I might get some phoenix worms to see if baby will eat those. So far s/he is not big on worms. Wouldn’t eat a wax worm (high in fat, supposed to only serve as a ‘treat’ sort of deal… but wanted the fat for his/her tail), s/he ate one meal worm the first day s/he ate, but puked it out. Or didn’t digest it well, and it didn’t like… turn into poop. it was still a worm. So yeah. Only crickets so far, but hopefully when s/he is older we can start using a food source that is easier. Crickets are just fucking annoying.

Anyway, yeah. Any people who are faithful people hope/pray/wishuponastar for my baby to pull through. <3

Thanks,
Alyx