I’m really sad. I’m feeling really lonely and missing my boyfriend a lot lately. I miss companionship and stuff. I miss him being around, I miss talking to him with him being a few feet away. I love giving him kisses whenever I want even if it annoys him. I miss giving him hugs even if he’s trying to duel someone. I miss my boyfriend. I won’t get to see him for a long time still. It’s been about 7 months now, maybe a bit less, or a bit more, but I probably won’t get to see him for another 8 months, maybe we can see each other in July. Maybe once we make concrete plans to see each other again I’ll miss him less. Right now it feels so depressing and heart breaking to be so in love with someone to only see them once every year and a half. It’s really depressing to not know when I’ll see my love again.
It’s really sad to crave attention from anyone who will give it to me, and physical affection from anyone who will give it to me, but in the end I just want it from him. I just want his love, and I love him so much. I miss him so much. I wish we could be together. What’s terrifying further is thinking if this relationship is worth it. Wondering if we’ll ever be able to be permanently together. To say ‘I haven’t seen my boyfriend since July, but I probably won’t see him until December’ is scary, it’s a scary realization, and it makes me wonder if we can stick it out until we can afford to live together, and what makes me more scared is that I have NO idea when we’d be able to afford that. It costs so much to live here… I hope we’ll last, I like our relationship so much.
Good night.
Alyx
Heya. Any unhealthy people out there reading this? Well, I wanted to try to help you out. I’ve been thinking for a bit now about my mounting risk for health problems such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, etcetc. due to my weight, lifestyle, eating habits, etc.
For the past year, or more I’ve had my mind torment me with motivation to be a more healthy person. I have struggled with the starting point of the change of lifestyle. But I guess there was always that underlying fear of not being able to get healthy because of my psychological problems with food. So that factor alone would defeat my whole mindset, and I’d never start going with my fights against my unhealthy weight and lack of movement. I started multiple times with trying to drink water, with trying to exercise, etc.
However now, I really think I have the right motivation; prevention. If I start being healthy now, I don’t have to regret shit in 10 years. I don’t have to worry about my health as a demon when I’m trying to worry about raising my children and taking care of the house and husband, and job, etc. Even small changes in my lifestyle can make it so I’m doing that much more for myself. I’ve read that losing just 5-10lbs is that much better for you. And exercising even a little bit is better than none. So I know I’m an all or nothing kind of person, but I can’t do that with this. I gotta do what I can. I’m drinking water instead of soda. Anytime I crave it, I look at it and think, ‘It’s not worth diabetes.’ And it makes it that much easier. It’s better motivation than ‘I want to be healthy’. It’s a more specific reason. ‘I want to prevent the onset of these diseases, since I am able to prevent them.’ And on the way to prevention I’ll get rewards like looking, and feeling better.
I’m already taking active steps towards living this prevention lifestyle. They’re small steps, but you have to start somewhere. I’ve been actively putting less butter in my noodles, and less cheese. I want to try to eat smaller meals, more often. That will be really tough with my job, but I’ll do my best. I also want to make a list of ‘healthier’ foods that I think I will eat, or will be able to try to adjust to eating, instead of fast food everyday. I really would like to exercise everyday even if it’s a bit, but I really want to make the time to exercise at least an hour a day.
Anyway. I really want YOU to be healthier, too. Even if you’re skinny, you can’t eat crap all the time… you can still get sick, you can still get these diseases. I got lots of great information from this website, and if you have trouble getting motivation, maybe try prevention as your motivation. http://www.diabetes.org
Thanks for reading,
Alyx
FUCK YOU.
You don’t even realize what we’re talking about. You think it’s just the same old shit. Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. I don’t remember the last time I’ve been so pissed off at you, or if I’ve ever been this pissed at you. What’s really funny about it is that you don’t even know why. You really don’t. You always think you know what’s going down, you think because there’s been all this time that you just always know what’s down. Seriously. I prioritize my time to include you, and you just fucking throw me into the top of a cyclone so I can slam to the bottom… WHEN I HAVE OTHER SHIT TO DO. FUCK. YOU. I want to fucking punch a wall. I feel my face hot with anger. When I used to read that in books, I always figured it was just some figure of speech. No sir, that shit is real. If I looked in the mirror right now, I’m sure my cheeks would LOOK like they were hot and uncomfortable.
I’m just done with this shit. Seriously. I’m going to do the shit I should’ve done when I got home. I need to better at priorities. late on turning something in, and I come home and play WoW. Did I choose WoW over my homework? No, I chose my boyfriend over my homework. I honestly need to find a better balance. I feel like when I choose my homework, he can get upset if I get too busy. And then my homework piles up, so I have that need for spending NO time with him to catch up. It’s a vicious cycle that I wish never started. I kinda wish I didn’t start school this semester. I don’t have time to juggle school, work, and my serious relationship.
I have too much shit to deal with. I’m stressed, and can’t psychologically handle anything. But I can’t say any of that, I’m just a whiner. I’m just a baby. I guess it sucks to be spoiled. It sucks to be sheltered. It sucks to have all the material things you want your whole life. We don’t communicate because weren’t raised the same way. Things that don’t mean shit to me, mean a lot to him, and vice versa. Things can affect him like crazy that don’t phase me, and vice versa.
In good news, my dad hugged me today and apologized for being an asshole.
Good night.
Tonight sucked. When the day/night sucks, it makes me realize how much my life sucks.
Soo… yeah. I’m kind of shocked that they showed the footage on tv. What footage, you may say?
The footage of the Georgian luger that died today while practicing for the Olympics in Vancouver. I heard about it earlier today, but have been at work most of the day. Corey looked up the footage online… but of course you don’t expect that type of thing to be on national television… Well, anyway, I didn’t see it on national television. HOWEVER. I remember my dad exclaiming, ‘Holy shit I can’t believe they’re showing this on a national televised broadcast!’, he then went on to comment on them doing CPR on him while his head is all visually fucked up. What about those people who can’t stand to see things like that? What if someone in this country knew that guy? What if children were watching? I saw a version of the vid online, accompanied by very GRAPHIC photos. Depending on how the definition was of the video shown on tv, that could be traumatizing to someone who can’t handle that sort of thing.
For instance, when I watch something like that sometimes I have recurring visions of it in my head, and it can be scary. I chose to watch it on my own accord, but for those watching the news before the game, or whatever coverage showed that, I’m sure watching could be an after dinner family time. I’d be outraged if my child(ren) had to watch that.
I’m watching the opening ceremony and it’s amazing to see them have a moment of silence for that guy. The reason it’s so touching is that it’s 60,000+ people there… being silent for a whole minute, which is a long time when you’re sitting there doing nothing. It gives me the chills to see the huge feat of respect.
I’m really not even into the Olympics (summer or winter), to be honest. I’m not sure why. I’ve kinda thought about it and have a theory I guess. Maybe I’m just not a sports-watching person (aside from football, of course, and I think I could easily be a hockey fan, I just don’t have time to sit down and teach myself the game… plus they have a bigger watching commitment… way more games). I guess the theory I’ve come down to, is that because I did gymnastics for such a long time I just don’t find ‘amazing feats’ amazing. More recently I’ve decided that maybe from gymnastics I know that when you practice and train your body, these ‘feats of amazingness’ aren’t all that amazing if you’re prepared for it. It may be hard for you or I to do these things, but it’s not hard for them, because they’ve spend years of hard training doing it. I guess in theory anyone can do it with the time, training, and dedication. Because pretty much anyone can do it with training and practice, I’m just not impressed. It’s kind of sad though, because I am impressed with small things, and get excited over little things.
I’m pretty upset right now. Starting… last Saturday, I’m supposed to have Saturday mornings off (no longer work from 9-9, sometimes more). So my mom just walks through and lays on me, ‘Oh Alyx, I know you’re supposed to have off on Saturdays now, but can you go in tomorrow just to be sure’. She’s now really making me think she’s the worst manager in the world. I feel like she doesn’t plan at all. Fucking pisses me off. Oh, it would seem as though she was just ‘preparing’ for any mishaps tomorrow. Which would be a great thing for a manager to do, for themselves, so they don’t have to cover people not being there because they weren’t clear with their schedules. One instance of why I think she’s a shitty manager, is that today I went in to work on birthday party preparations. I was figuring I would just be there a few hours, and then I’d maybe go home and get to do some homework, and maybe get to play WoW with Daniel. WRONG. I ended up teaching TWO back to back fucking classes. (Just to be clear that’s 2 hours of wasting my time that I could be doing homework). Oh, well you may say it’s not her fault that some bad employee didn’t show up (my niece). The problem is that my fucking mother, I mean my manager, didn’t make a schedule for the new session, so everyone knew what they were doing in this session. I actually told her that she should do this, at least two times prior to the new session beginning (it’s been disrupted by huge snow storms anyway. Anyway. She had allll those days off to put together a schedule and distribute it to employees before the new session. Also, there is this one employee who she always uses ME to text him. Sometimes she does it for his friend who’s also an employee. How irresponsible. She should have his number. She’s not the ‘boss’ but she’s pretty much in charge of the scheduling. Since she’s in charge of scheduling she should have all employees numbers and availability, no? I’m concerned about the state of the company when we have dozens of employees with hundreds of classes. In hindsight, my manager at Silver Stars had her shit together. It sucks to say it, because I hated her majority of the time, and she fucked me over regularly. However, my mom fucks me over more. She guilt trips me and shit. PUL-EEZE. Any other manager, really? Would ask me to come in tomorrow at 9AM, at 12:30AM the night before? Really? And not because someone was sick, or someone was absolutely not coming, but ‘just in case’? No, I’m pretty sure no manager would do that to anyone.
Anyway, so when she first asked me, and I did the ‘deflating’ kind of hunch with the shoulders and heavy sigh, she immediately said ‘Fine, don’t worry about it’, or something along those lines that will try to make you feel like an unhelpful piece of garbage (she’s a black belt master at this). Then she went into the bathroom and since there’s a hole in the wall our conversation continued. I said, ‘Well I wouldn’t feel as bad about going in if I wasn’t there so long today.’ She went on to mention the snow days, and all of that sort of stuff. Even with the snow days, I ended up doing shit I needed to do, ie. put my book shelves together, and clean my room up some. I also have done some homework, and taken some much needed self-time. I hate how this society finds you lazy if you take ANY time to yourself, over other responsibilities. I’m sorry, if I don’t try to get some WoW time in every now and then, I’ll go fucking nuts and have a psychotic explosion all over the fuckin’ place. My mom is a workaholic and it makes me feel angry inside. Even on some of the bad snow days, she still opened the gym. It’s like she’d rather be there than here, I don’t understand it. And I think she feels upset when other people don’t feel the same way. Sorry, I have little interest in being guilted into spending a 12 hour day at the gym verses a 8-9 hour day at the gym. Another point, she mentions all these snow days and shit, well fuck you, homeslice, you can’t compare all those short days to replacing it with one huge long day and expect me to want to do that. Maybe I am lazy, dunno. But I feel like all I want in life right now, is to move out of this house, and have very little to do with Dynamite.
Oh, and to end the saga, after she was out of the bathroom, I told her ‘can you try to go down a list in your head about what classes there are and who is expected to be there, and who you know is coming?’, because it’s really absurd that she wants me to come just in case. I hate wasting my time there. It’s one thing to be at work the night before and go through the book of classes and see that you’re missing a teacher for something, and say, ‘I’m really sorry, I messed up, can you come in tomorrow?’, also it would’ve been fine if she told me earlier, if that would’ve been the case. When I know I’m waking up at 7:30-8, I actively go to sleep earlier than what I normally do (10:30-11). And then, she was like, ‘well did you talk to Julian?’ (another one of those things where I am communicating with people where she should be), Once I told her that Julian said him and Brandon were coming tomorrow, she was like ‘Oh don’t worry about coming then, Corey’s already extra’ BITCH, LOOK. WHY HAVE THAT STRESSFUL CONVERSATION IF IT’S NOT NECESSARY? /PLAN/, GOD DAMN! ugh. I hate my job.
I wanted to go to bed a half an hour ago, but when I hit ‘publish’ it lost some of the post. I tried to rewrite some of it within the context. Some of it exploded out of me after the fact, and after I would’ve posted the original post.
Good night,
Alyx
So, if you’re one of those people that goes ‘ewwwwww’ easily, stop reading now.
First of all, the whole reason I thought to write, is this: I need to take a shit. “Well then go shit.” Oh friend, I’d like to! This is the problem… If someone is in the shower or bath tub, you generally don’t go in there while they’re in there right? Or you can’t, because maybe the door is locked? Well, we only have one bathroom. The problem with us having one bathroom, is that my mom can literally stay in the tub for a whole day if she was given the chance. The problem with this is, I feel RUDE about going to the bathroom when she’s in there. But I also feel like it’s an invasion of my privacy all the same as it is of her’s. For some reason I feel like she doesn’t care (I guess because everyone else goes to the bathroom multiple times when she’s in there, and because she still takes long baths even though we’ve all gone to the bathroom while she’s in the tub. Then I feel rude saying, ‘can you get out soon?’ because I guess if I liked sitting in the tub for a long time I’d feel irritated with people interrupting that, so maybe she does too. But really, this is unfair. I need to poop. It’s uncomfortable.
Anyway. I’m overwhelmed with things I need to have done. I have a ridiculous amount of homework/studying to do. I’ve wasted all day, and all day yesterday… It’s so disappointing that I wasted that time, because I had days off from work that I won’t have anymore in a long time. Wasted time writing this too.
Mom is still in the tub. :\
Alyx
I thoroughly apologize to anyone who may check emevas like… once a month or something, and you see all these blank videos. I’m fed up with the webcam widgets for wordpress, I guess I’m better off recording it on the built-in program for my webcam, and then upload it. I am lazy and like to prevent that type of work by simply recording it to here, but history has shown that it won’t work this way.
Anyway. I’m mildly concerned for the state of my livelihood as a young, vibrant 23-year-old woman. I was just sitting here after spending a few hours on homework. And I was sitting here thinking. ‘Wow, I’m 23, I don’t go to work until 4 tomorrow… and I’m about to go to sleep at 11:30PM… I’m living an amazing life.’ It’s really concerning the lack of social life I have. I’m sure I’d ever even think about it if Kylin never introduced me to her clique of friends back when she did. I think I’d just assume it was a normal lifestyle for me. I feel so abnormal on so many levels lately it’s not even funny. Iwonder if I’ll ever be able to lead a productive, non-psychotic life.
I see on these shows about these girls saying, ‘I’m 24 and I met my husband….’ It’s really kinda concerning that I don’t think I’ll even live together with my boyfriend within the next 5 years, let alone get married to him… Not to mention moving out of my parents doesn’t seem in my near future. Financially it doesn’t look like it will happen for at least 10 years. It’s really disappointing to think that I really could see myself living in my parents house that is falling apart… when I’m 33. I can’t eat properly or lead a healthy lifestyle like I want. ugh. Everything sucks. I hope I can get through this semester without getting bored and giving up. I’d like to set a goal of getting a 3.5GPA or better.
Anyway. I love my boyfriend and miss him very much. I miss holding his hand, or waking up and opening my eyes to see that he’s there with me. I miss his desire to make me smile. I miss our mutual want to make each other happy. I just miss being together IRL. I’m glad that even after nearly two years, we’re still very much in love. We’ve been through a lot, but I still think we’re going strong and try to make it work despite the distance; a distance most people could not tolerate for even a short time.
I made 80 on WoW, with a lot of help from Dani. I also am already struggling to keep up with my school work on top of my long hours at work, and my desire to finish organizing my room the way I’ve been dreaming of for at least a year. The clutter is driving me nuts even though it’s considerably better than it used to be. Adjusting to the living space that is 10x better than what I had before is hard simply because of my barriers. When you live in a house like this you have to put up barriers to survive. If you walk around like you would in every day living, stuff would drive you nuts. Things at work on desks drive me nuts all the time. If I came home with that mentality I would lose my mind from everything. And sometimes my barriers slip and I just lose it. Certain triggers ignite these emotional outbursts that no one really understands. But you wouldn’t understand.
You wouldn’t understand because you probably haven’t been living with a hole in your wall for a long time. You don’t have a hole where a barrier between my room and the bathroom should be. You probably don’t have to hear the noises of people pissing, shitting, puking, etc, in the comfort of your own room. Well, I do. You probably don’t have to worry too much about what step you’re taking, in a simple walk from your room to the kitchen. You probably don’t have to worry about stepping in dog shit, or tripping, or twisting your ankle on something on the floor. You probably don’t have to worry about doing dishes in your bathroom. You probably don’t have to worry about looking at the innards of walls while you’re taking a shower. But I do.
I could go on and on about the things that you normal people don’t have to worry about, that I do after to worry about. These things I run into every day, that I some how have to protect myself from, so that I don’t have mental breakdowns daily.
Cheers.
Alyx
GRRRR!!!! I need to find another video posting app thing for wordpress, that one quite apparently BLOWS.
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