I thoroughly apologize to anyone who may check emevas like… once a month or something, and you see all these blank videos. I’m fed up with the webcam widgets for wordpress, I guess I’m better off recording it on the built-in program for my webcam, and then upload it. I am lazy and like to prevent that type of work by simply recording it to here, but history has shown that it won’t work this way.

Anyway. I’m mildly concerned for the state of my livelihood as a young, vibrant 23-year-old woman. I was just sitting here after spending a few hours on homework. And I was sitting here thinking. ‘Wow, I’m 23, I don’t go to work until 4 tomorrow… and I’m about to go to sleep at 11:30PM… I’m living an amazing life.’ It’s really concerning the lack of social life I have. I’m sure I’d ever even think about it if Kylin never introduced me to her clique of friends back when she did. I think I’d just assume it was a normal lifestyle for me. I feel so abnormal on so many levels lately it’s not even funny. Iwonder if I’ll ever be able to lead a productive, non-psychotic life.

I see on these shows about these girls saying, ‘I’m 24 and I met my husband….’ It’s really kinda concerning that I don’t think I’ll even live together with my boyfriend within the next 5 years, let alone get married to him… Not to mention moving out of my parents doesn’t seem in my near future. Financially it doesn’t look like it will happen for at least 10 years. It’s really disappointing to think that I really could see myself living in my parents house that is falling apart… when I’m 33. I can’t eat properly or lead a healthy lifestyle like I want. ugh. Everything sucks. I hope I can get through this semester without getting bored and giving up. I’d like to set a goal of getting a 3.5GPA or better.

Anyway. I love my boyfriend and miss him very much. I miss holding his hand, or waking up and opening my eyes to see that he’s there with me. I miss his desire to make me smile. I miss our mutual want to make each other happy. I just miss being together IRL. I’m glad that even after nearly two years, we’re still very much in love. We’ve been through a lot, but I still think we’re going strong and try to make it work despite the distance; a distance most people could not tolerate for even a short time.

I made 80 on WoW, with a lot of help from Dani. I also am already struggling to keep up with my school work on top of my long hours at work, and my desire to finish organizing my room the way I’ve been dreaming of for at least a year. The clutter is driving me nuts even though it’s considerably better than it used to be. Adjusting to the living space that is 10x better than what I had before is hard simply because of my barriers. When you live in a house like this you have to put up barriers to survive. If you walk around like you would in every day living, stuff would drive you nuts. Things at work on desks drive me nuts all the time. If I came home with that mentality I would lose my mind from everything. And sometimes my barriers slip and I just lose it. Certain triggers ignite these emotional outbursts that no one really understands. But you wouldn’t understand.

You wouldn’t understand because you probably haven’t been living with a hole in your wall for a long time. You don’t have a hole where a barrier between my room and the bathroom should be. You probably don’t have to hear the noises of people pissing, shitting, puking, etc, in the comfort of your own room. Well, I do. You probably don’t have to worry too much about what step you’re taking, in a simple walk from your room to the kitchen. You probably don’t have to worry about stepping in dog shit, or tripping, or twisting your ankle on something on the floor. You probably don’t have to worry about doing dishes in your bathroom. You probably don’t have to worry about looking at the innards of walls while you’re taking a shower. But I do.

I could go on and on about the things that you normal people don’t have to worry about, that I do after to worry about. These things I run into every day, that I some how have to protect myself from, so that I don’t have mental breakdowns daily.

Cheers.
Alyx

GRRRR!!!! I need to find another video posting app thing for wordpress, that one quite apparently BLOWS.

Weird, but I found the video that I thought wouldn’t work before…

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I had recorded a video of me talking about what’s wrong, but it wouldn’t post so I think it was too long. The Gods like you people who take your time here! It was an 8 minute video which ended up with me crying! hallejuah you were not subjected to it.

Summary – When I lay in bed at night, I generally always end up thinking about death on some level or another. I worry about how I’ll function when this person or that person, or this pet or that pet dies. Sometimes I dwell so much and get so scared of the eventuality of death that I cry myself to sleep. My video essentially talked about my worries and concerns about my mental health as I think about these things every night. Every night. I explained how I was not depressed lately, or even overly stressed even though I have lots to be stressed about. I then went on to explain how I don’t trust mental health doctors simply because of the complexity of the brain; it makes me feel like they can’t possibly know what’s really wrong with me.

Anyway. The video went into more detail, but I should’ve gone to bed a long time ago.

-Alyx

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Forgot to mention that I’m enrolled in college this semester… yippee. lol.

Heya! Finally, a post.

Stuff has been CRAZY the last few weeks, for real. The gym is doing really well, it’s great for my sister and anyone else who put money into the business. I’m glad for them that it’s going well. It’s a catch-22 for me. It’s really great that we get more kids, because we get more staff, and it means less weight is lifted off my shoulders. But at the same time, having more people means I’m in there waayy more than I was in the beginning.

Anyway, having long hours makes me stressed on the weekends. I kinda wish my long days were more spread out. It’s kinda sad when I tolerate a 8-10 hour day really well, but then when I have a 12-14 hour day, I just lose my fuckin’ mind. Had a fight with my dad after one of those long days. Just absolutely lost my shit. We had a screaming match for a good 10 minutes, took me at least 30 to calm down.

Moving on… I’m REALLY proud of myself. Like super siked. Generally the way I have always worked, at least in the past… is getting what I want to get done all at once. If I don’t get it done all at once, I feel like I’ll never get it done. Same with when I want something. If I want to get something, my motivation is so great that if I don’t get it then, I feel like it’s no point in getting it later unless I get it then. IE. the webcam I got to do videos on facebook with people… Anyway, so my point is, I’m proud of myself because I’ve essentially done my room the way I want it, without having a huge allotted time to do it in. I’ve done it collectively over time, which is kind of unheard of for me. I had so much motivation to change my living space into something more livable and healthy, that I started around Thanksgiving break, continued in some of Christmas break, and bought my furniture, and have been making smaller efforts on my short days of work, or my Fridays off. Seriously, doing that kind of overhaul over time is something UNHEARD OF, for me. There are certain things I’d like to change that are somewhat out of my hands… but if you saw the before and after, you’d understand why I’m pleased. To a normal person my room currently would probably be terribad, but to me it’s getting better and being livable, and I’m already more cheery, even when things don’t go well at work, and I’m there long hours.

The things that are out of my hands are like… house repairs, sorta? Things that really… someone should be called in to fix. Or my dad, or some big burly man, or some butch lesbian should fix for me. Also, I’d like a new, clean door. I’d also like to scrape the SHIT that is smeared on my wall from my brother and the VOMIT that is on my wall from when my brother used to live here and he never cleaned it up. Yes, these are the sanitary conditions I have lived in my whole life. Power to my parents, right? Word. Anyway, steering AWAY from ranting now. I’d also like a new window (dad fix) in one of my windows, I’d like the hole in my wall to go away, as well as the hole in the ceiling, and maybe a new cooat of paint. I took the effort to vacuum on the ceiling and walls where cobb webs were, so that makes it feel more clean. I also started taking up tile in my room. There’s hardwood floor under it! It makes it look less dirty. The tile is so fucking GROSS. Like 30 years of grime and bullshit and yucky on them.  I haven’t finished taking the tile up yet. Each time I do one of these overhaul sessions, it takes a sincere toll on my body. Lift these heavy furniture boxes into my room, then putting the stuff together, then lifting pieces to fit onto other pieces, then moving them where I want them to go. All of that stuff. Generally furniture situations happen when you’re moving to a new place. So it’s exciting and you have friends come over and help you. Yeah, I don’t have that option. So I’m doing everything by myself. But my dad has to help me sometimes when I screw up.

Anyway, wanna see pictures? I got too into it and it’s hard to see progress I guess, lol. I thought I had more ‘in between’ pictures’ Buttt I guess not, too. >:

Progress, I swear! lol. Note the shovel...

See? Not really progress... just kinda done.

I hate to upset people... but honestly. I look fucking gay. In a bad way.

I can has floor! See how nasty the tile is? gross, son.

Duvet comforter from IKEA. All those colors are TOTALLY me.

I think this is showing that my bed is together. The biggest struggle has been finding space for all of my stuff while deconstructing and constructing furniture...

Nice bed. BIG bed. Gross window sill and walls...

Desk from IKEA. Took me FOR.EV.R. to put together. It made me cry. Literally. Not sure if you can see on the big version of it, but I scratched it all up in the process of putting it together.

There was this qt spider on the underbelly of my old mattress.

Magicians, fix my wall pls ;.;! I think you can tell in this picture that I don't have my shit together yet. I just put stuff down where I can until it has it's on 'place'. Need to organize. For real.

My 'in progress' clean room. Again, putting stuff where I can because it doesn't have it's on place yet! Grrr~

Tomorrow is my day off, and I think I’ll put together my dresser tomorrow. My desk literally took me 6+ hours to make, so I’m hoping I’m not nearly as challenged with the dresser, so I can make my dresser and my book shelves.

Anyway. It took lots of energy to compile this entry. I think I’ll go to sleep now. Wish me luck for tomorrow! Bob the Builder, can we do it? YES ME CAN!

Dear world,

If I had Lady Gaga’s body, I would love myself very much.

Sincerely,
Alyx

I need to remember to post pictures of the progress in my room. I’ve made significant enough progress that I don’t need days set aside to finish it, I think. I’m too tired to post stuff now, however for anyone who has been rooting for my progress, you’ll be so excited! Not as excited as me, but ya.

I’ve bought a new desk from Ikea, and a new dresser. I haven’t set them up yet, and I also need my bed and book shelves. They were too long to fit in the car.

I have positivity since I’ve cleaned my room. I have sincere aspirations in my heart to be more healthy… if only being sincere helped execution.

I have a stomach ache from eating too late. I need to fall asleep because I’m taking Schnee for a check up in the morning… but I think my stomach ache will make it next to impossible to fall asleep like I need to… I guess I’ll go try to fall asleep.

Oh yeah… Daniel was grumpy today. I felt down because I couldn’t help him feel better. I felt like such a failure as a girlfriend. I know he’ll feel better when he wakes up… but it makes me feel so incompetent that I can’t bring a smile to his face when he needs it most. I tried to stay positive while it was happening, ‘You need to keep trying, you can’t always give up when he gets upset, you have to find ways to try to support him like he does for you!’

</3 tummy
nite

I’m not sure what I deserved to have such a shitty life. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t worship a deity, or because of all of my laziness. I don’t know what it is that makes it so I deserve all of this shit. I’m not sure if I’m just being a drama queen, or if it’s warranted that I think this has been the worst year of my life. Maybe life is a give and take kind of thing. So I guess in theory I got to see Daniel which was more than I deserved, so in turn I had to deal with death, stress, etc. all year.

Is it wrong for me to see all of it as unfair? Am I so selfish for feeling like life is unfair to me, when there are people in the world who don’t eat? When there are people in the world with cancer? When there are people in this world without a roof over there head or a meal in their stomach? Of course. I’m a brat for feeling like it’s unfair for me to work three 12 hour days in a row, and then have to come in the next day even though I had planned to have that day off. Of course I’m a brat, because my mom and brother are there all day just the same. And aren’t there people in the world who REALLY work for very little?

Then it must be wrong for me to think it’s unfair that I have been surrounded by death, for at the very least, the last 6 months. My aunt killed herself this past may. No one liked her, but my uncle did. Very much. He adored her. And everyone adores him. 6 weeks later my uncle died, from the same side of the family. The youngest of 5 brothers, dead. Michael Jackson died around the same time, and Farrah Faucett. People kept dying after that (not people I knew, but experiencing death first hand not long before made it touching in all the wrong ways to watch about these people dying. One of my mom’s cousins died shortly after the deaths on my mom’s side of the family. Our family bird, Wilbird died some time later. During these deaths more famous people died, and we all watched on TV about their lives and felt touched as if we knew them. More recently, a few weeks ago Jerry Walsh died. He was a family friend whom I saw just over the summer. Last weekend my baby, Cezzie died.

I always feel targeted when life shits on me. For months, nay, a year, I’ve wanted nothing more than to clean my room and repaint and refurnish so I could live in a livable space apart from the rest of this dumpster. I made a valiant effort over Thanksgiving break to clean my room so I could put new furniture in. I had planned to take the time to get it finished during some of the days of Christmas break. Today was going to be my first day for that. By ’shitting on me’ I mean that it’s not enough for life to just have one thing thrown at me. Instead, one thing stresses me out and I don’t even have time to recover before something else stresses me out. I’m constantly trying to get over the fact that I don’t really have friends besides Daniel, and maybe Lizzie. And that’s always stressing, but then I have the added stress of my job, and wondering when I’ll see my boyfriend again, and the stress of my gecko getting sick, and the stress of taking her to a vet, and the stress of long hours at work, and the stress of spending money on Christmas, and the stress of living in this house, and the stress of my gecko dying, and the stress of self-loathing from not getting through school, and the stress of wanting to try school again but not having the money, and the stress of back to back long days at work, and the stress of worrying and stressing my boyfriend out, and the stress of not getting to do things I want to do, and the stress of finally having the motivation to do something (ie. clean my room), only to be shot down again by not being able to find the trash bags.

Why me, really?

I wish I never existed.